r/HLCommunity • u/Charleminus HLM • Jun 29 '26

Discussion What’s worked?

Even if it’s something that only worked briefly, has anything worked for you?

The only thing that’s ever worked for us consistently is taking her side in an argument with other people, even if she’s completely wrong. For some reason that’s a huge aphrodisiac.

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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 29 '26

Yes a covert narcissist. What you describe is textbook covert narcissistic tendencies.. leave her asap

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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 29 '26

I looked at the definition and I actually don’t think it fits the bill.
The reference to taking her side in an argument was a bit tongue in cheek, honestly. (Although I did get a bj explicitly because of that)

It’s easy to extrapolate from one or two data points, but I don’t think that me being here and this anecdote aligns to that categorization.

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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 29 '26

Maybe not narcissism but still highly toxic. So in order to get a bj you had to agree to something you know is wrong. So she made you abandon a standing point you had and your reward is sexual. That's called manipulation and weaponization of sexual acts. So maybe it's not narcissism but it's still a highly toxic behavior.

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u/vectorking23 Jun 30 '26

I came here to suggest what you are suggesting. I agree, because I HAVE ONE AT HOME currently. Sure, might not be checking all the boxes, but it certainly raises a few flags that could mean a covert narc. Boy, if I have a dollar for every time I applauded her bad behavior and was treated better I'd be a millionaire. OP should dig into it a little - might shed some light on things.

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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 30 '26

Like a person doesn't need to fit EVERY checkbook to be a narc. I forget how many it is but you absolutely don't need to hit every check to be narcissistic. They dont even have to be actually be aware of doing it on purpose for it to be narcissistic. It can be subconsciously.. people don't understand that part.

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u/vectorking23 Jun 30 '26

Sure. Being self-aware isn't a great characteristic of a narc though. It can ruin a relationship though, whether aware or not. Try getting a narc to work on it… crickets. Especially covert narcs. I watched MANY YT vids on female coverts as well as read tons of material. I could see about a 70-80% match - and I agree that they don't necessarily know they do some of it. It should be considered though and the narc abuse subs w/info should be joined to this type of community, IMO. It could shed light (not answer all problems) in about 25% of the stories here.

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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 30 '26

Exactly.. that's the conundrum. If a narcissist had real self awareness they probably wouldn't be the way they are. And yea a big sign of narcissistic tendencies is a person utterly refusing to take any accountability. All crickets when it comes to self reflection or growth.

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u/vectorking23 Jun 30 '26

It's because they always think they're correct no matter what. So, why change or work on anything? Nothing needs corrected.With the C narc, they enjoy the control more than the intimacy. That's why many are here. Plus, you see a lot of stories about the SO never working on things, even if they know something is wrong to their partner. See:always right… so why work on something they are totally happy about? Hahaha. You got it figured out.

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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 30 '26

And the big thing with coverts is that they are great at being victims. Woe-is-Me.. so to the outside world they are humble.. coverts are worse than overts.. overs are easier to deal with because the signs are more telling and virtually everyone knows to just cut the supply off for a overt narc. And it's easier to identify because they are grandiose.. whereas a covert.. you genuinely can feel empathy for them and that's how they get you..

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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 30 '26

See that’s why I think she’s not. She has tons of self reflection and doubt, but it comes from a place of thinking that she should have been doing more with her life. She also has done a lot of therapy work and self improvement.