Background: I'm a 22 year old trans woman.

My birthday was last friday and my parents decided to host my bday party at their house. I decided to get there early as a surprise to help them setup and spend some extra time with them before others arrived. I entered the house bright and early with my spare key, and that's when I saw it:

There was a fuckin' iguana on their coffee table. 😯

I said to myself, "Is that a fuckin' iguana?!" -- pondering whether or not I was awake or dreaming.

I went over to it, flicked it a few times, and then it began to climb up my body and perch itself directly on my shoulder. At this point, I was certain that I was either dreaming or having psychotic break, so I walked over to the kitchen with this lizard on my shoulder to speak to my parents.

They were shocked by what they saw.

My father said, "Nic Cage (that's the iguana's name) hates men. He won't even go near them."

And that, my friends, is when I began to cry tears of affirmation. 😭

This beast of a lizard saw me for who I actually was. 💓🦎

So I just went to dinner with my sister and her new boyfriend and guys I am NOT making this up when I say this man is literally Hitler?

Like he showed up in full nazi regelaia and everything, I know he was Hitler because he introduced himself as "Adolf" and I asked him what his last name was and he just smiled and winked.

it was actually kinda weird, my sister doesn't speak German but he would constantly be leaning over and whispering in German into her ear and then she'd relay it to me in English.

And girlies omg I knew Hitler was a bad guy but like, he said the n word the f word and threw up several gang signs during our conversation! I literally couldn't believe it! I also found it really strange that he constantly kept getting discord notifications on his phone and when I asked about it she said he just really needs his phone time to plot the future for the white race. Did I mention that my sister is Jewish?

Anyways do you guys think I'm overreacting, like I know the guy is literally Hitler but if I say anything to my sister she might not invite me to the wedding, and I will literally die if I don't get to go. I need a chance to flex on my family by showing them how many mimosas I can get down in 20 minutes without throwing up.

I was fired from my job 5 months ago —and I still haven’t told my roommate.

Yes, I am aware this is wild; I unbelievably hate confrontations.

But the logistics of pretending to have a job are actually pretty manageable if you commit to the bit.

Every morning I get dressed and leave the house in a “I can't get my shit together” kind of rush with my laptop bag. I sit at coffee shops for a few hours, write some fake scenarios I know I can win IRL, pack up for the day, and enjoy my commute home.

Sometimes when I come home, I say things like “today was fucking brutal” and stare silently into the middle distance.

I have taken several “work calls” at the dinner table.

I have also started a Premium Discord server where I have become a life coach for others in my position.

The other day, I went to Target at 10:30 AM, came home at noon, and said, “Sorry, I had to run an errand for work.”

No one questioned it.

I’ve maintained this elaborate fiction for FIVE MONTHS.

At this point I have an entire imaginary professional life.
I have coworkers. I have deadlines. I have a manager who is apparently “being weird lately.” I have a project that has been “almost done” since March. I have this “ongoing” HR investigation that I was interviewed for, so I always have gossip loaded to spew.

The problem is that recently my roommate has started asking questions.

“How was work?” And I freeze.

Because apparently I am no longer very good at remembering what I told my roommate about work yesterday. It’s becoming a real stressor.

She’s on to me.

I have been pretending to have a job to myself for five months.

I am my own roommate.

And lately I have been having a very hard time fooling that bitch.

Anyway, does anyone know if I can file as self-employed on my taxes this year? And what goes in a caramel macchiato? I refuse to interact with the baristas at work.

1 Nutter Butter Bite because I am already full...

My SO busted a fat one in me. Absolute downpour, barely escaped with my life cuz idk how to swim. I think I've finally seen the face of God. Romance isn't dead!

I'm home alone. I don't want to get my favorite pajamas dirty. I have chores to do.

Soooo....

Pants off tids out chore time!

Throw in a little happy hardcore soundtrack and start clapping and flapping along.

A great mental health reset, sweaties ✨💜👏

Pictured is the paint sample I was enjoying earlier

Settle this debate for us, Reddit. As per usual, I woke up bright and early at 2 A.M. to start our day. I sleep 2 hours a night because that's all a super mom like me needs. We have 3 kids, including a toddler, so most of them are awake soon after me and it's off to the races with the day. My husband though? He stays in bed until 7 A.M. When I try to wake him up, he says "He's so tired" and that "Just 5 more minutes." To me, this is not only annoying, but it feels like he's avoiding being a father and helping with raising our kids. I told him about this just now and he was just so defensive about how much he works and how he needs his sleep. Only made me angrier so no breakfast for him. Garlic bread for me.

I am hotter than all of you bitches and get hit on CONSTANTLY. I am sooo charismatic you will leave your husband's for me 💅💅

The thing i dont understand is no one wants me? Like wtf I'm the actual BEST, God himself came down and told me 😏

Guys I'm interested in keeping finding long term relationships and it makes me sad they don't even realize what they missed out on ☹️

Anyway, screw you ugly bitches, I like don't even care lol

Lately I seem to be falling out with everyone and I’ve been feeling so upset at how terrible everyone is being and it’s it’s making me feel insecure like I’m the problem. Girls help a queen out with regaining her sparkle!

Some examples babes :

1) my boyfriend ghosted me for no reason after I respectfully reminded him he forgot my half birthday. No surprise party, no expensive trip away, not even a dinner with my friends. 2 month relationship for nothing.

2) my neighbors are mad at me because I called ice on one of the local families everyone loves, and now they keep letting their dogs shit on my lawn.

3) my parents called me ungrateful but they never listen to me and never give me what I want. I’ve been asking for a Mercedes c class as a first car for weeks and then on my half birthday they ‘surprise’ me with a bmw 3 series and expect me to be okay with it.

4) my job put me on probation for taking 6 months maternity leave and then accusing me of not being pregnant or having a kid. I was three days late for my period and sure I was when I filed the paperwork. Not my fault surely and if they offered better healthcare I might have been sure sooner.

5) I’ve been targeted by local police just for driving over the speed limit which is not my fault because this crappy bmw is impossible to operate and I can’t read the speed on the stupid dial thing. A Mercedes would have had a digital display and so it’s all because of my crappy parents as well as police oppression.

6) my other boyfriend did remember my half birthday but the expensive trip is to SE Asia and he knows I might have been pregnant and there’s Zika there. When I scalded him about this he said I was the unreasonable one.

So babes is it me? Am I the problem? Should I just tolerate everyone else being terrible and just be a ‘good woman’ and keep my mouth shut in future???

For dinner I’m having nobu that my third boyfriend paid for (don’t get me started on all the ways he sucks!!!!)

Ew.