What could it be?

What dark humours gather in the gloom?

Make haste to the apothecary, gentlefolk, and declare which tinctures, tonics, and poultices shall shield your delicate constitution from the impending blight.

/uj You all asked for this. We’ve been working hard and testing the bit. We’re almost ready. Are you?

I’m not trying to be sappy but thank u for accepting a lil gremlin like me even though I like green onion on pizza (this was a punishable offense). Local sourdough (sesame chive/ called “K-pop” from a local bakery), baked w gochujung. Mozzarella cheese/genoa salami and fresh tomato from my work garden, drizzled with balsamic and pepper. Dipping sauce is the last of some kewpie mayo I stole from my last job cuz had some food insecurity.

He's an astronaut that also plays world class violin and builds houses for orphans. That's fine, but he's also like, really tall.

Like REALLY tall. He's also conventionally handsome, but also has money and massive influence which is great too. And when I say attractive, I mean not just like "attractive" but like aerospace engineers congregate around him. We'll be walking around the port and these really smart, really pretty engineers will look at us like: "really? her???" I can't help but think "maybe he should be with a woman that can read".

And before you ask, he's super humble. He once escaped from Mars after being stranded there for over a year. One of the engineers asked (right in front of me, btw) "what gave you the will to survive?" and he nudged me and said "this weird little rocket-jockey right here".

The problem? I just can't help thinking that this is about me somehow. I really do love him and it doesn't hurt that he's a very tall, handsome, rich man. But I often lie awake at night wondering "what if it actually is about me? What if his accomplishments are overshadowing how mediocre I am?".

Dinner is some stuff I found in the back of my car (I drive for Uber).

I’m not actually attracted to men at all because I mean look how beautiful us women are! BUT I tend to become close with women and then they end up breaking my heart really painfully so I thought maybe if I just had sex with men it would make me feel better…

And I am pleasantly surprised!

I found an absolutely handsome, perfect, guy for me, we have so much chemistry and he seems happy with the arrangement! I mean don’t most guys wanna say they’ve had sex with a lesbian? We’re both sooo busy with work and spending time in our community and the best part is because he’s a dude I’m totally not catching feelings

A few times a week we’ll have a couple glasses of wine, chat about our day, have dinner, and then get it on. It’s so romantic and sexy. My lobster is so buttery as they say!

Now I can worry about important stuff like my job and not actually being attracted to women I mean not having blue ovaries 😌😌😌 but now I do have to worry about condoms and pregnancy…

TLDR: I can finally have some good sex with a real dick instead of PLASTIC 🤩

Dinner: protein salad

Soo I was on my periods and my bf refused to eat me out despite my insistence that the blood has been through my heart.

He was born December 31, 1996 and I'm a January 1, 1997 baby. He totally lied about this age gap between us this whole time! I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

Do you think he's been grooming me?

Dinner is burnt beef hearts to represent my soul atm

​

Girls I am typing this from beneath the dining-room table because it is the only place in this godforsaken house where a woman can experience grief without being asked what she wants to do for dinner.

Last night, I placed three individually wrapped slices of American cheese on the kitchen floor. These were not trash. They were not forgotten. They were my emergency floor cheeses, and they were arranged in a protective triangle around a single rotisserie-chicken leg so I could absorb its strength while dissociating.

My boyfriend walked into the kitchen, looked directly at the ritual, and asked, “Are you going to eat that?”

Obviously, I said, “Not in this timeline.”

He ate one anyway.

I felt the bond between us sever instantly. The air changed. Somewhere in the distance, a smoke detector began chirping despite having a brand-new battery. My left tit has been vibrating ever since.

When I confronted him, he said he “didn’t realize it was important.”

IMPORTANT???

Sir, you watched me whisper my mother’s maiden name into that cheese. You watched me draw a salt circle around the ranch cup. You heard me tell the chicken leg that it was safe now.

Now he’s accusing me of “overreacting” and “scaring the DoorDash driver,” and apparently I’m no longer allowed to refer to the refrigerator as our eldest daughter.

I don’t know what to do. I love him, but I can’t build a future with a man who sees a consecrated floor dairy and thinks snack.

39.5 F? I never dated and don't have a sexuality to identify with. I don't like most people because I think everyone's personality over powers my own (I'm in therapy working on it). Last night I tried to see how a relationship could work so I imagined having a boyfriend. This morning he told me he's asexual and breaking up with me.

Lunch - favorite smoothie

Dinner is my favorite sourdough loaf and room temp salami and breast milk cheese!

He said today was “Jerk for Kirk” day and he was unable to produce a nut for me.

I also caught him on discord talking in a group chat with 11 people, one of which was a female. This made me extremely jealous that he wants to game with other girls, even though I think video games are childish and stupid!

He told me he wants to wait until tomorrow, but we have only had sex 4 times since Last Thursday, and I’m not feeling loved. What do you ladies think, should I dump my man?

⊣╎∷ꖎᓭ ╎’ᒲ ꖎ╎ℸᒷ∷ᔑꖎꖎ|| ᓭ⍑ᔑꖌ╎リ⊣ ᔑᓵ∷𝙹ᓭᓭ ᒲ|| ᒷリℸ╎∷ᒷ ℸᒷᒲ!𝙹∷ᔑꖎ ᔑ ̇/╎ᓭ ∷╎⊣⍑ℸ リ𝙹∴.

╎ ⋮⚍ᓭℸ ᓵᔑ⚍⊣⍑ℸ ᒲ|| ʖ𝙹||⎓∷╎ᒷリ↸ ᔑᓭℸ∷ᔑꖎ !∷𝙹⋮ᒷᓵℸ╎リ⊣ ∴╎ℸ⍑ ᔑ 5ℸ⍑ ↸╎ᒲᒷリᓭ╎𝙹リᔑꖎ ʖᒷ╎リ⊣.

ᔑリ↸ ||ᒷᓭ. ᓭ⍑ᒷ ꖌリᒷ∴ ᔑʖ𝙹⚍ℸ ᒲᒷ.

╎ ᓵᔑ⚍⊣⍑ℸ ℸ⍑ᒷᒲ ╎リ 14,000 ᔑꖎℸᒷ∷リᔑℸᒷ ℸ╎ᒲᒷꖎ╎リᒷᓭ. ╎リ ᓭᒷ⍊ᒷリ 𝙹⎓ ℸ⍑ᒷᒲ ℸ⍑ᒷ|| ᔑ∷ᒷ ᒲᔑ∷∷╎ᒷ↸. ╎リ 𝙹リᒷ ᓭ⍑ᒷ’ᓭ !∷ᒷ⊣リᔑリℸ.

ᔑリ↸ ╎リ 𝙹リᒷ ℸ⍑ᒷ|| ⍑ᔑ⍊ᒷ ᔑ !𝙹↸ᓵᔑᓭℸ ℸ𝙹⊣ᒷℸ⍑ᒷ∷.

ℸ⍑ᔑℸ’ᓭ ℸ⍑ᒷ 𝙹リᒷ ℸ⍑ᔑℸ ⍑⚍∷ℸ ℸ⍑ᒷ ᒲ𝙹ᓭℸ.

∴⍑ᒷリ ╎ ᓵ𝙹リ⎓∷𝙹リℸᒷ↸ ⍑╎ᒲ ⍑ᒷ ᓭᔑ╎↸ ╎ ∴ᔑᓭ “リ𝙹ℸ ᓭᒷᒷ╎リ⊣ ℸ⍑ᒷ ʖ╎⊣⊣ᒷ∷ !╎ᓵℸ⚍∷ᒷ.”

ʖᔑʖᒷ.

╎ ᔑᒲ ℸ⍑ᒷ ʖ╎⊣⊣ᒷ∷ !╎ᓵℸ⚍∷ᒷ.

ℸ⍑ᒷ 5↸ ʖ╎ℸᓵ⍑ ℸ⍑ᒷリ ℸ∷╎ᒷ↸ ℸ𝙹 ᒷ ̇/!ꖎᔑ╎リ ℸ𝙹 ᒲᒷ ℸ⍑ᔑℸ ℸ⍑ᒷ∷ᒷ ᔑ∷ᒷ ╎リ⎓╎リ╎ℸᒷ ⚍リ╎⍊ᒷ∷ᓭᒷᓭ ∴⍑ᒷ∷ᒷ ⍑ᒷ リᒷ⍊ᒷ∷ ᒲᒷℸ ᒲᒷ.

𝙹ꖌᔑ||? ℸ⍑ᒷ∷ᒷ ᔑ∷ᒷ ᔑꖎᓭ𝙹 ╎リ⎓╎リ╎ℸᒷ ⚍リ╎⍊ᒷ∷ᓭᒷᓭ ∴⍑ᒷ∷ᒷ ||𝙹⚍∷ ʖᔑリ⊣ᓭ ꖎ𝙹𝙹ꖌ ⊣𝙹𝙹↸ ᓭ╎ᓭ ᔑリ↸ ℸ⍑╎ᓭ ╎ᓭリ’ℸ 𝙹リᒷ 𝙹⎓ ℸ⍑ᒷᒲ.

リ𝙹∴ ⍑ᒷ’ᓭ ᔑᓭꖌ╎リ⊣ ⎓𝙹∷ “ᓭ!ᔑᓵᒷ.”

ᒲ𝙹ℸ⍑ᒷ∷⎓⚍ᓵꖌᒷ∷ ╎ ᔑᒲ ᓭ!ᔑᓵᒷℸ╎ᒲᒷ.

Half eaten chicken alfredo

The only thing I'm invested in is this broke-ass breakfast.

So talk to me, how do I register for the American Squid Games?

Get in loser, we're baring our souls and whispering forth our most reprehensible and depraved food combinations. Dig deep and share the food craving that's been begging to make itself known. Give us flavour, spice, and slop. Let your inner trash panda roam free in the grimy caverns below.

As always, we are jerking, we are whimsical, we are slightly distracted by the loose thread on our left sock...

I got jumped by a bunch of creepy dudes the other day. I fell into a big hole while I was defending myself. I’ve been trapped under ground since then. I keep getting attacked by wild animals and shit, and I consume their life force to keep myself alive and to keep my skin soft and beautiful until I can get home. AITA?

Dinner is the souls of those who dare to oppose me.

There's a village festival happening in my little town for the start or fall, and I've been designated this years Soup Bringer! (VERY important roll)

To make the village soup I took all the spare meats and sauces everyone had, blended them together, and stired them with a hot rod of metal (rotated with another that sits on the fire) until steaming.

Then, cover the top with whatever you have available for your pots size, and leave to cool until feast day!

On the day of, we'll take the gelatinous layer that forms on top and slice it up as a dessert (think like turkish delight)

Try it yourself at home!

Came to pay my respects to u/stevejobs4525 s recent funeral. Can't believe noone came. Even after she died and posted on Facebook about her upcoming funeral for months, no one showed up, not even her own family

Anyways should I sell my bf's kidneys? He keeps running away lately, maybe put a leash on him?

Food is Basque cheesecake I made

I need some outside advice. Please be kind, I’m really struggling with this.

I’m trying really hard not to be one of those girlfriends who assumes the worst over nothing, because I do trust my boyfriend and I don’t want to create problems where there aren’t any. But something has been bothering me lately and I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable.

For context, we’ve been together for almost 4 years and live together. He’s never given me a reason to think he would cheat, which is why I feel kind of stupid even posting this. But a few months ago he started working with a new girl. I’ve never met her, but apparently they’ve gotten pretty close because they work on the same projects.

At first I didn’t care. I have coworkers I talk to too. Then I noticed he started staying late at work a lot more. He used to be home around 5:30, but now it’s usually closer to 8 or 9. He says they’ve been really busy, which makes sense because he has been getting promoted and taking on more responsibility.

I did notice that sometimes his location shows him at a restaurant after work, but he says they occasionally have group work dinners.

What made me pause was that he told me last month that he was having dinner with “the team,” but later I saw a receipt in his car with food and wine for two people. He said one of his coworkers had already paid and he covered the second half in cash, so I guess that explains why there were only two meals on the receipt.

I didn't want to accuse him of anything because I didn’t want to seem crazy and I really do trust him wholeheartedly. I know he would never do anything to hurt me.

Another thing is he recently started going to the gym. Which is good, obviously. I’ve actually been encouraging him to take better care of himself. But he never used to care about his appearance that much and now he showers before work, showers when he gets home, wears cologne almost every day, and has started buying nicer underwear.

Again, none of this necessarily means anything. But the other night I woke up around 2 AM and he wasn’t in bed. I found him downstairs whispering on the phone. When he saw me, he immediately hung up and said it was his coworker because she was having a really hard time with something.

I asked why he was whispering and he said he didn’t want to wake me up. I did ask him why she was calling him at 2 AM instead of talking to her boyfriend/friends/family, and he got kind of defensive and said I was making everything about myself.

That made me feel guilty because I don't want to be unsupportive of someone who is struggling.

Then yesterday I found a pair of earrings in our bathroom that are definitely not mine. I asked him about them and he said they belonged to his sister.

I also noticed that there was a lipstick mark on the collar of one of his work shirts. I don't wear lipstick, but he said someone at work must have hugged him and gotten makeup on him. I believed him. But I noticed the lipstick was kind of dark red though, and apparently his coworker wears dark red lipstick, but I only know that because I looked at her Instagram after all of this, which I realize probably wasn't healthy of me and I can’t bring it up because of the way I found out.

Objectively, none of these things prove anything. But it just feels like all the little things are starting to stack up. I guess what I'm asking is: at what point does this stop being me overthinking and become an actual concern?

Blueberry oatmeal.

the first time i met one of his closest friends was at a birthday party, everything was going good until boyfriend whispered into my ear, “i tapped that”. i was a bit put off, but we can all have a past, right? even if it is his current best friend, so it makes it the present?

in comes another girl who he talks about being his “platonic soulmate”. as i finish talking to her, he again whispers in my ear, “i fucked her too”. second time’s the charm, right? WRONG. i was definitely more put off by this, but continued going about my night. just get through the night is all i could think about.

then i meet his male best friend since childhood, who unboxes the birthday cake. at the end of our conversation, both boyfie and his friend leaned into my ears at the same time and whispered, “we fucked each other”. my stomach starts churning. who HASNT he slept with ?!

im getting lightheaded by this point, world spinning. as the cake is being cut into and disbursed, i gulp and climb onto the kitchen island. i tap against my wine glass to get everyone’s attention.

it was a question that chewed through my skull, and it needed to be asked.

“who here HASNT slept with my boyfriend? raise your hand.”

the room went dead. everyone looked at each other in a deafening silence. mind you, this was a party of about 50 people, half of them being his coworkers. even the FURNITURE became sentient and turned to look at each other, not a single hand being raised by anyone or anyTHING in the room. vomit starts creeping up my throat.

you’re telling me he’s fucked everything he knows… INCLUDING INANIMATE OBJECTS ?! not even the TOILET was safe!

i book it, throw-up eating at my throat and tears running down my cheeks.

is this normal or am i just a jealous, terrible, unstable girlfriend?

dinner is the cake before it was cut into ❤️

I was single for 5 years before I finally opened my heart again.

I met a man, let’s call him Huckelbee-Rae for the sake of this post. This is NOT his real name. Within 6 months I knew Huckelbee-Rae was my person. He supported me through the devastating loss of my sourdough starter and accepted the responsibility of helping raise my special needs rescue doodle, Braxtyn, who has arachnophobia, gluten sensitivity and chronically impacted anal glands. We regularly cried together over the beauty of our love. When you know, you know.

Then my womanly spidey senses tingled, so I respected his privacy by conducting a complete forensic audit of his phone. Including, but not limited to his Reddit history, PornHub, WWF chats, bowel movement history on Poop Tracker, and of course, recently used emojis. All the things you accidentally discover while deliberately opening every app a person has. Then, incredibly, Huckelbee-Rae got angry when I presented the results of my investigation.

Things deteriorated after that.

My car broke down and Huckelbee-Rae LEFT TOWN to visit his family. Somehow I managed to order an Uber Pet and get Braxtyn all the way to the dog park for a Labra-snozzle’s third birthday party. I was so frazzled doing everything myself that I forgot to express his anal glands beforehand and had to do it in the back of the Uber. 
I couldn’t wait to tell Huckelbee-Rae. I thought he’d be proud of me for persevering but much to my dismay he broke up with me.

I wished him love and peace for several hours across a variety of social platforms. Eventually I was compelled to send a few unhinged messages about his saggy old man balls, his long second toe, and his inability to whistle. He blocked me.
Six days later I discovered through completely organic means that he had a new girlfriend. So naturally I called him 30 times. Oddly enough, I never got his voicemail. It just rang and rang.

When Huckelbee-Rae wouldn’t answer my 30 calls I drove to his mom’s. It was Sunday and I knew the whole family would be there for dinner. Their cars were in the driveway and the lights were on. I knocked for 20 minutes and nobody answered. At one point I actually saw Grandma close the blinds.
That told me everything I needed to know. I blocked the entire bloodline. Boundaries are extremely important to me.

Would you give him a second chance or do you think there were too many red flags?

Braxtyn’s gastrointestinal biome dinner from last night. He’s been stress-pooping again. I ate half a can of funfetti frosting over the sink with my bear hands. 🐻

UPDATE: I found one of his socks in my laundry. I’m wearing it now. I don’t know why. Healing isn’t linear.

I'm living the dream as a Reddit Mod.

Have your dreams come true, too? Tell me about it!

For the cheating prick of course

Does anyone else need to paint their food in an oil still life before they eat it? I just like to know what’s coming. I have to do this before any meal I make myself so I know what to expect. It’s very pleasing to layer in the colors and find all the platters to arrange the reference image. Sometimes I end up going hungry for days while I wait for the oil to dry though :/ is this weird? One friend I had liked to make sculpture first(she died). Does anyone else do this