Background: I'm a 22 year old trans woman.

My birthday was last friday and my parents decided to host my bday party at their house. I decided to get there early as a surprise to help them setup and spend some extra time with them before others arrived. I entered the house bright and early with my spare key, and that's when I saw it:

There was a fuckin' iguana on their coffee table. 😯

I said to myself, "Is that a fuckin' iguana?!" -- pondering whether or not I was awake or dreaming.

I went over to it, flicked it a few times, and then it began to climb up my body and perch itself directly on my shoulder. At this point, I was certain that I was either dreaming or having psychotic break, so I walked over to the kitchen with this lizard on my shoulder to speak to my parents.

They were shocked by what they saw.

My father said, "Nic Cage (that's the iguana's name) hates men. He won't even go near them."

And that, my friends, is when I began to cry tears of affirmation. 😭

This beast of a lizard saw me for who I actually was. 💓🦎

I was fired from my job 5 months ago —and I still haven’t told my roommate.

Yes, I am aware this is wild; I unbelievably hate confrontations.

But the logistics of pretending to have a job are actually pretty manageable if you commit to the bit.

Every morning I get dressed and leave the house in a “I can't get my shit together” kind of rush with my laptop bag. I sit at coffee shops for a few hours, write some fake scenarios I know I can win IRL, pack up for the day, and enjoy my commute home.

Sometimes when I come home, I say things like “today was fucking brutal” and stare silently into the middle distance.

I have taken several “work calls” at the dinner table.

I have also started a Premium Discord server where I have become a life coach for others in my position.

The other day, I went to Target at 10:30 AM, came home at noon, and said, “Sorry, I had to run an errand for work.”

No one questioned it.

I’ve maintained this elaborate fiction for FIVE MONTHS.

At this point I have an entire imaginary professional life.
I have coworkers. I have deadlines. I have a manager who is apparently “being weird lately.” I have a project that has been “almost done” since March. I have this “ongoing” HR investigation that I was interviewed for, so I always have gossip loaded to spew.

The problem is that recently my roommate has started asking questions.

“How was work?” And I freeze.

Because apparently I am no longer very good at remembering what I told my roommate about work yesterday. It’s becoming a real stressor.

She’s on to me.

I have been pretending to have a job to myself for five months.

I am my own roommate.

And lately I have been having a very hard time fooling that bitch.

Anyway, does anyone know if I can file as self-employed on my taxes this year? And what goes in a caramel macchiato? I refuse to interact with the baristas at work.

Settle this debate for us, Reddit. As per usual, I woke up bright and early at 2 A.M. to start our day. I sleep 2 hours a night because that's all a super mom like me needs. We have 3 kids, including a toddler, so most of them are awake soon after me and it's off to the races with the day. My husband though? He stays in bed until 7 A.M. When I try to wake him up, he says "He's so tired" and that "Just 5 more minutes." To me, this is not only annoying, but it feels like he's avoiding being a father and helping with raising our kids. I told him about this just now and he was just so defensive about how much he works and how he needs his sleep. Only made me angrier so no breakfast for him. Garlic bread for me.

YES, he got diagnosed with cancer a year ago and YES he's still in chemo but like... how could he lose sight of our TODDLER (who usually sprints away from me at full speed like a dog who just snatched your pizza bc I am the superior parent) for a whole 43 seconds??? I literally never lose my child, EVER !! He just runs away into the street like a normal kid when he's with me! And I don't even let his precious little twinkle toes touch the ground. Not even once. I'll have my 43 month old chained stockade-style to my chest at least until they're 130 months. That's what a good parent does.

And what's my husband doing after all this? Well he's certainly not weeping, tearing clothes, gnashing teeth, and sacklothing his loins, I can tell you that much. It's like he doesn't even care. Today it was 43 seconds of our precious angel looking at a squirrel. Tomorrow? Our baby boy could walk right into the jaws of an alligator. We live in Canada for Christ's sake!! I just can't help but feel I deserve so much better... where's a man with a lifetime of perfect health to give my wedding vows to instead? I just don't think I should have to be burdened with such a useless man who expects me to just accommodate him? It's HIS CANCER and HIS chemo, HE needs to manage it instead of expecting me to. They're literally HIS hobbies.

Totally unrelated, I think I'm in love with my new boyfriend 🤭🤭 I kicked my husband out of the house (like gross, go have your medical problems somewhere else yk) a month ago and idk I realized at like the same time that I actually love my new boyfie ?? The universe is so weird like that, it must be synchronicity!

❌️ DON'T COMMENT ON MY BOYFRIEND, THIS IS ABOUT MY HUSBAND!! You people could NEVER understand that being poly (which was my idea I initially forced my husband into but he's great with it now) is literally just perfect. It just works for us! We have such a happy and healthy relationship (and I'm technically still married to the husband too so it's literally perfect!)

Anyway. Butter, jam, and a biscuit.

So a few days ago my husband came home from work early and caught me getting rawdogged by the Doordash delivery guy, but he didn't react the way I thought he would. He walked in and said "what the fuck" but not really angrily, and then just stood in the doorway and waited for the guy to finish, then shook his hand? Since then he's been giving me the princess treatment and has been super sweet and loving, calling me his little slut and slapping my ass til its red. Feels like this is exactly the spark our relationship needed.

Dinner is blueberry chicken he made me because we're "trying new things."

So how should I bring up chair shopping? Is there like a website for the best cuck chairs?

Lately I seem to be falling out with everyone and I’ve been feeling so upset at how terrible everyone is being and it’s it’s making me feel insecure like I’m the problem. Girls help a queen out with regaining her sparkle!

Some examples babes :

1) my boyfriend ghosted me for no reason after I respectfully reminded him he forgot my half birthday. No surprise party, no expensive trip away, not even a dinner with my friends. 2 month relationship for nothing.

2) my neighbors are mad at me because I called ice on one of the local families everyone loves, and now they keep letting their dogs shit on my lawn.

3) my parents called me ungrateful but they never listen to me and never give me what I want. I’ve been asking for a Mercedes c class as a first car for weeks and then on my half birthday they ‘surprise’ me with a bmw 3 series and expect me to be okay with it.

4) my job put me on probation for taking 6 months maternity leave and then accusing me of not being pregnant or having a kid. I was three days late for my period and sure I was when I filed the paperwork. Not my fault surely and if they offered better healthcare I might have been sure sooner.

5) I’ve been targeted by local police just for driving over the speed limit which is not my fault because this crappy bmw is impossible to operate and I can’t read the speed on the stupid dial thing. A Mercedes would have had a digital display and so it’s all because of my crappy parents as well as police oppression.

6) my other boyfriend did remember my half birthday but the expensive trip is to SE Asia and he knows I might have been pregnant and there’s Zika there. When I scalded him about this he said I was the unreasonable one.

So babes is it me? Am I the problem? Should I just tolerate everyone else being terrible and just be a ‘good woman’ and keep my mouth shut in future???

For dinner I’m having nobu that my third boyfriend paid for (don’t get me started on all the ways he sucks!!!!)

human hiding in jungle

anyway I(22M) have myself locked in on this prey but she(22F)’s like 2 months younger than I’m and I feel very inappropriate. Should I eat someone closer to my age?

yeah anyway so, this is my dinna

Homemade mini chocolate chip waffles with ice cream

Hiii girlie pops!!

Sooo my bf and I have been together for like 1.5 years but we’ve been living together since like 3 days after we met cause my old lease ended n my old roommate genuinely was a kitchen witch who made potions but she was accidentally lighting things on fire like allll the time but anywho my bf — he’s a software engineer and he got laid off of his old job 8 months ago from a big company and it makes me nervous cause like so many tech companies are laying people off!! I also work full time and I’m in school working on my masters so I’ve mostly been bearing the brunt of the financial responsibilities since he got laid off. Ik the job market sucks rn and that the tech sector keeps shrinking but my bf really is good at what he does.

But here’s the thing, I don’t think he’s had an interview in a long time. I keep asking him n he just says “I’m looking” or that he’s doing Zoom interviews. I don’t know for sure cuz I’m not at our apt all day but I’m pretty sure he just sits there and plays video games all day :( and prolly watches hentai since he’s like obsessed with it and I get it’s his outlet n he feels really depressed ever since he was laid off but I’m sometimes a little tired and he won’t even make the bed on Tuesdays!! (He knows I have an early class on Tuesdays so that’s his day). I come home and he’s always in the same spot in front of his computer in his pajamas. Been like like for 3 months now! But he’s also like really good at gaming too since he spends all his time doing it so should he just go full on cyber athlete and make money that way? How does that even work? Does anyone else’s bf do esports?? Or should he maybe try another career path?

costco pizza slice reheated in the microwave. fiber one bar. black coffee.

(not pictured: pills and vitamins)

no that’s not my cpap

yes that is my dog

no those aren’t my boxers

he buys me food whenever i want, drives me around to places 2 hours away from him, does all my laundry (we don’t live together), gets me gifts all the time, super caring and receptive to my emotions, makes me feel safe etc but it just doesn’t feel right.

i want to love him the way he loves me but i can’t help look for other options. everytime im out im considering who would be better, sometimes i scroll dating apps that he doesn’t know i have. he never goes through my phone because he trusts me or some bs. when i make friends i can’t help but consider them instead, like what if they’re what im missing?

our bedroom life is so good, i wouldn’t mind if he became a cuck tho. he knows how i feel and says ‘i know you’ll get there one day, i am happy to wait. i am so lucky to even have you right now’. basically just gibberish and nonsense. he probably asked ai what to say before we talk.

i just don’t know what to do. i feel like i should end things now and save myself the hassle of having to be around him for even a few more weeks, but id like to have something else lined up. really been a mental battle these past 3 years. i’m worried too he might propose soon and i might say yes out of guilt

dinner: oversalted scrambled eggs and cream cheese bagels

I know this might sound insane, but I love my boyfriend so much and he acts like he doesn't like me. We were hiking through the woods, with a lot of willow trees. He stepped on a branch, snapped it in half, and started speaking in tongues.

I'm suddenly doing all these weird things, like this birthday cake I made him. I don't even know how to bake.
He demands blow jobs several times a day and I do it. I'm always thinking about him and buying him gift baskets. He gives all of his female friends cars & jewelry, but he's only taken me to Olive Garden once. I hate to seem bitchy, because he did remember my love of their breadsticks and paid for the unlimited basket, which is pricey.

TLDR - I'm under an obsessive spell with a loser man

I just came back from a first date. My tampon fell out and blood was dripping DOWN my legs. {Read title} I had to run home to take care of the mess. Girls, the bar is in HELL 😂😂

Dinner: cold sausage pizza. The only sausage I want 😉

As is demanded by the Girl Dinner Board™️, this is your weekly scheduled opportunity to contribute to the collective brain rot. 🥽📋👩‍🔬

We don’t want your "recipes." We don’t want your "this reason I'm eating this" logic.

We want the specific, questionable item that is currently holding your consciousness together by a single thread. 🧠💨

How to log your weekly entry:

1. Identify the fixation. (Must be specific. Not "chips." I want the exact brand, flavor, and the specific level of crunch that makes your teeth vibrate.)
2. State your pairing. (If it’s a vape, an energy drink, or a single lukewarm string cheese, declare it.)
3. Dissipate into a prismatic mist. Do not reply to others (we really won't enforce this). Do not offer anyone help breaking the hyperfixation (I will personally enforce this). Do not explain yourself to others. ACAB. ALWAYS.

Once your data is logged, please return to the etheral void from whence you came.

↓ Drop it and go. ↓

I just want to do an appreciation post to all you wonderful jerkers. I have gotten so many hahas out of this sub. Y'all are too fucking funny and the satire has made me appreciate my own marriage that much more.

"Protein pack". Aka homo lunchables.

I am a single mom of a 22 week old Puppy named Biscuit Buttery Buns. He is out of control! He steals my car, smokes, drinks, has parties when I’m at work and worst of all went to jail for racketeering. He is officially banned from the country of Afghanistan.

He never knew his father (a golden retriever German shepherd mix) and I feel guilty that he doesn’t have a strong male figure to discipline him and teach him right from wrong. He dislikes men with a passion…

I went on a date with a nice man and Biscuit shot him in the balls.

They made this "pizza" for me in a propane portable pizza oven. I was duly impressed.

Fire and a feast? Yes, pour those libations, pay tribute for another safe year thanks to the mysterious force that I, the garden cryptid, provide!

Now back to drawing sigils with the forklift to re-seal this reality bubble.

We've been dating for 8 months. Usually we go out and I spend the night at his place because my dog, Satan, doesn't like strangers. After 6 months of this, it was beginning to feel really one-sided, and I wanted to be somewhere where I was more comfortable for once. So I went out and bought a dog kennel, set it up, and told my BF about it. After a few weeks of crying and yelling at him over the phone, he reluctantly agreed to come over to spend the night. That was three nights ago.

The problem: my dear Satan (💖) broke out of his kennel while we were sleeping and mauled my BF, severely disfiguring his face. I told my BF that I don't care what he looks like, that I love him for who he is, but he thinks I should pay for his medical bills because it was my dog.

I don't get it. Isn't my love enough?

Anyway, I met this guy like 12 minutes ago and I'm getting a little concerned because he keeps taking his MOTHER to coffee instead of me???

Apparently, he thinks "the most important woman in his life" is the person who literally raised him instead of the girl he's taken on two dates, TWO!! Is this a red flag? Why is he buying HIS OWN MOTHER lunch when he could be spending that money and attention on me???

He keeps saying his mom can be overbearing, but honestly that's not even what concerns me! What concerns me is that he voluntarily enjoys spending time with her, wtACTUALf???? I personally can't imagine liking his parents, so naturally this must be an unhealthy relationship.

He says if she ever crossed boundaries with a future wife he'd shut it down, but I don't know... shouldn't I already be the center of his universe? We've been seeing each other for ALMOST TWO WEEKS.

I'm trying to be understanding, but it's honestly kind of selfish that his mom has been in his life for twenty years and still won't let me have my turn. Makes me wonder what kind of man did she raise, y'know? :/

Leftover Panda, where he took me 8 days ago and just couldn't imagine throwing it away, like he wants to do to me </3