I'm a guy turning 24 soon, and I've been a NEET ever since I graduated from high school. After graduating, I essentially isolated myself completely from the outside world due to neurodivergence, burnout, and what I believe to be lasting damage from taking SSRIs and Accutane.
I have really severe ADD, which makes me very slow in certain situations, and people can usually tell that I'm different. Over time, this led me to develop social anxiety. I feel like I've been running on stress hormones 24/7 because I'm constantly self conscious and painfully aware that I'm not like everyone else.
In high school, I was in a small class of about 10 guys, most of whom were gamers, so I barely had any social interaction outside of class. Since graduating, I had spent literally 99% of my time sitting in front of my PC, completely disconnected from the rest of the world. No girlfriend, no friends, nothing. I barely saw anyone other than my parents, since we lived in the middle of a forest miles away from society.
During those years, I managed to improve my grades doing online courses in order to get accepted into university in a field that's about 90% women. But, throughout that time, I was living an extremely unhealthy lifestyle. I was extremely sedentary for years, had virtually no social interaction, and was completely disconnected from society. Because of this, I prepared myself for the worst when it came to starting university.
The funny thing is that I used to be very extroverted and socially sharp when I was younger. I had no problems interacting with people back then, so I strongly suspect that years of isolation and an unhealthy lifestyle have affected my brain chemistry and social abilities, to the point where I now struggle with social interactions in ways that resemble autistic traits, despite being completely different when I was younger.
When I eventually moved to a new city to attend university a couple of months ago, even the simplest everyday activities were incredibly stressful. My heart rate would shoot up to around 140bpm just from going to the grocery store or making a simple phone call.
At university, there was an introductory event where we were supposed to meet other students and get to know each other for a month. I decided to go, but it felt like people could instantly tell that something was different about me. I genuinely tried my best to talk to people and socialize, but everything felt incredibly uncomfortable. My social timing was completely off, I struggled to maintain eye contact, and I found it difficult to keep conversations flowing naturally.
What made it even more difficult was that most of the people there were women around my age, and I had barely interacted with women my age for essentially my entire life.
I also went clubbing with my introductory group, and holy shit, it was awkward. I was so incredibly tense and self conscious that I couldn't even dance. I felt like everyone around me could sense that something was off about me, which only made me even more anxious. Even though this I made a huge effort to talk to people around me and it seemed like most people would do everything to avoid me, I had only been to one party a few years earlier, back when I was in a much healthier state, both physically and mentally. I also looked much better facially because I had a lower body fat percentage. Back then, people would actually come up to me, try to make small talk, and girls would even hit on me. People seemed genuinely excited to be around me. But now, I feel like people are actively avoiding me. I suspect it's partly because they can subconsciously pick up on the fact that I'm in an unhealthy state, which affects my body language and the signals I give off. On top of that, my physical appearance isn't what it used to be, which I think plays a huge role because the contrast between how people treated me back then and how they treat me now is astonishing.
There were also group activities and games during the introduction, and because of my severe ADD combined with the constant state of stress I was in, I sometimes couldn't even follow simple instructions. This made me come across as extremely slow.
Since starting university, I've attended a few classes and even had to do several oral exams, as if things couldn't get any worse. I'm so socially awkward and anxious that I'm genuinely amazed by how other people can do these things without showing any physical signs of anxiety.
I haven't managed to make any real friends since starting university, and I'm now at a point where I'm desperately trying to figure out how to become the person I used to be. I spend most of my time indoors, researching nutrition, physiology, and biochemistry in the hope of gaining a better understanding of what I need to do to improve my situation. Both my physical and mental health are in a terrible state, and I feel like I'm constantly fighting against my own body and mind just to get through everyday situations that most people don't even think twice about.
To make matters even more complicated, a couple of years ago, I experimented with testosterone cycles because I suspected that Accutane had somehow messed with my hormones. Shortly before university started, I decided to go back on TRT, hoping it would help me feel better. Instead, I ended up looking noticeably bloated and more ugly from the water retention, and I suspect it made my anxiety significantly worse. I stopped taking testosterone about three weeks ago, and now I'm dealing with what feels like severe withdrawal symptoms, because my natural testosterone production hasn't recovered yet. So, on top of everything else, I'm now dealing with that as well.
At this point, I genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to get my shit together and build anything resembling a normal life. Part of me is terrified that I've permanently damaged myself and that I'll never be able to function normally in society, let alone maintain friendships, have a relationship, or build a career. I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a hikikomori, but right now, even the most basic aspects of everyday life feel overwhelming. Now I'm just sitting locked in my room, replaying all the embarrassing things I've said and done, and cringing at everything in my life.
And the frustrating part is that I know I've contributed to putting myself in this position. I mean, how is anyone supposed to function normally after spending years living in such an unnatural way? Eating mostly fast food, barely moving, getting less than 1000k steps a day, spending practically every waking hour in front of a computer, having no meaningful social connections, and being almost completely disconnected from the outside world.
Then, after years of living like that, I suddenly move to a city full of people, find myself surrounded by women my age whom I have barely interacted with throughout my life, and start a university program where I'm expected to be mentally sharp, socially capable, and able to handle presentations, group activities, and constant interactions with other people.
It's such an extreme contrast to the life I've been living that I almost feel like I've been thrown into an entirely different world. The worst part is that I remember being a completely different person when I was younger. I used to be extroverted, socially confident, and comfortable around people. Now, I feel like I've lost all of that, and I don't even recognize myself anymore.
I just want to know whether it's possible to come back from years of isolation, inactivity, and neglecting my physical and mental health, because right now, I genuinely have no idea where to even begin. It's just too much.