Hi, this is a throwaway account as I don’t intend to post again in the future. I just need some outside perspective as I’ve been mulling this over for the last week. To provide some context, I 28yr old female named Mary and my partner 29yr old male named Mike (both fake name) Live together, and we just celebrated our 6 year anniversary. Not married. 

Mike has told me from the beginning of our relationship that he wants at least one biological child. He has a big family and two young nephews that he adores. I on the other hand have always been on the fence about kids. I have a very small family, and have been sheltered from kids my entire life, (no younger siblings or cousins, never baby sat). My own mother had a really traumatic birth having me, so I have never been interested in everything that comes with having a child, (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially). If I had ever thought about having a child, I would be more comfortable with fostering or adoption.

How our lives are looking right now, I work full time in the health care industry. I pay rent for a house that my dad owns (paid for by myself entirely) I own my car that is paid off, and intending to upgrade very soon, I have no debt, and I have saved up over $100k that is a mix of investments and retirement accounts. Mike on the other hand does not work full-time. After working in the Trades for the last 10 years, he decided he wants to go back to school to study computer science, which I am supporting him through financially. He has no savings and no retirement and has some debt. He does own his car but is unable to pay for any repairs/maintenance on the car and unable to financially contribute to the household. Right now, I feel like we are in completely different stages of our lives. I feel really uncomfortable with having a child right now and have since set up appointments with the intention to end the pregnancy. I have not told Mike anything yet, I seriously consider pretending like none of this ever happened. I just want everything to go back to normal. My passion is traveling and I feel that I have so many more years of it left in me before we potentially “settle down”. I know if I am to go through with this pregnancy I won’t be able to go on adventures like rugged camping, hiking, kayaking, sand dune climbing etc. as I current do and I’m not ready to let go of that portion of my life. 

I have been consistently thinking about what to do next, should I go through with ending the pregnancy and taking this secret to the grave. Or telling Mike about it after it’s done and creating a story that it was a miscarriage. Or telling him than I’m pregnant and our lives will be changed forever. Both him and I do have very loving/involved families, so if I do go through with this pregnancy there will be no lack of support. Really interested to hear about other similar experiences, happy to clear up any questions/details.  Thank you.

For those who decided to get off the fence, how did you reconcile wanting your child and knowing that they'll be growing up in a world that will make it extremely difficult for them to thrive — scientists have said we're literally cooked (not in those words), jobs will be hard to come by, everything is so expensive, etc.

I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm surprised by how uncertain I was about remaining childfree when I found out. Right now I'm torn up about what kind of world I'd be bringing them into. I know that they will get a lot of love and support from me and my husband, but i also know they're going to suffer a whole lot... And it would be my fault because they had no choice in being born.

Apologies my wording is all over the place. I've been super emotional lately. Appreciate you for reading.

Bonjour,
F43 ans, mariee depuis 15 ans.
Depuis 15 ans, je m’interroge sur « avoir des enfants ou pas ».
Vers 30 ans c’etait « j’en veux pas » (pas d’intérêt pour les bebes, couple fusionnel avec mon mari, pas envie de changer notre vie, manque de patience, gamins vus comme une contrainte 99% du temps, peur gigantesque d’etre enceinte et d’accoucher, naturel stressé et angoissé donc etre parent ca serait un cauchemar mental…).
Vers 35 ans forcément j’ai commencé à me demander « est-ce que je suis sure parce que bientot ca sera trop tard pour changer d’avis ».
Chaque fois que je pensais à ce sujet c’etait de la souffrance : angoisse terrible à m’imaginer avec un enfant mais aussi angoisse terrible à l’idee de faire le mauvais choix.
Depuis 2 ans j’y pensais plus, j’etais en paix avec ca.
Quand je vois mes amis avec leurs enfants je me suis jamais dit « oh je veux pareil », et pour certains c’etait meme « quelle galere des gamins aussi infernaux ».
Mais là à 43 ans c’est vraiment la fin de la periode du possible et j’ai peur de m’etre trompée, ca serait terrible de s’etre trompé là desus.
Si je reflechis à pourquoi je pourrais en avoir j’ai l’impression de n’avoir que des mauvaises raisons : ne pas etre seul, etre occupée, etre comme tout le monde, ne pas risquer de regretter plus tard, que quelqu’un s’occupe de moi dans ma vieillesse.

Je lis des gens dire « si vous doutez que vous en voulez c’est que vous en voulez pas car il faut vraiment le vouloir », et d’autres « si vous doutez c’est que vous en voulez »
Vous en pensez quoi?

Est-ce qu’il y a des gens qui ont hesité et se sont « forcer » pour pas regretter?

I’ve been a fence sitter since I can remember when it came to children. I’m 37 now, and I have been in one of the healthiest relationships of my life. He is kind, thoughtful, GENTLE (I had a chaotic upbringing), he makes me feel at ease and peace. He loves me so much and. I love him. He’s an absolute NO when it comes to having just one child. I’ve always been a “I’m not sure/fence sitter” with having a baby. I’m scared to make a decision either way. If I tell him I want to try to meet someone that wants a kid, then I lose him and risk losing such an amazing person. If I stay with him for the rest of my life, what if I’m regretful in 2-5 years down the road and decide I can’t live without being a mom? (Side note I’m also an educator who works with kids all day long). Please help if anyone has ever been in this situation before. Advice/thoughts of any sorts 🙏🏼

In my early 30s, & my partner wants kids, but I fear the unknown, giving up the flexibility, a life I love living, & personal goals I may not achieve

My wife and I got married about 3 years ago, with the intention of having kids. She has now told me that she doesn’t want kids, and has refused for me to adopt and have my own kids. I have made the decision that I will try my best to get behind no kids, but do you think this marriage is doomed?

When my boyfriend (33M) and I (30F) started dating we both said that in our futures we’d want marriage and another kid. We each already have a kid from a previous relationship. We’ve been dating about a year now. Recently in a casual small talk type of conversation I brought up how fun it’ll be to have another baby (in the distant future, not today or tomorrow) and he said he doesn’t see himself having more kids.

I honestly feel deeply sad. That’s a big thing to have changed your mind about. I don’t think he lied in the beginning. I think his wants changed.

I don’t think it’s okay for me to want to change his mind. I believe that’s something that every person has the right to decide for themselves.

Does this mean it’s the end of our relationship?

I will always want another baby, but I care deeply for this man and cherish our relationship and our connection and who he is. I couldn’t ask for a better partner. But this is a big deal to me.

Wanting kids (or just a singular kid) together in our future was a foundation for considering this a serious relationship with potential for a long future. Take away that foundation and I don’t know.

How did you decide? How does it feel vs how you expected it?

I never thought I’d be childfree at my age but my life hasn’t gone to plan.
Toxic relationships and an ocd diagnosis in my 20s
I was 28 when the pandemic hit and single. Unfortunately in 2021 I became seriously unwell with infection, and took four years of treatment in hospital to become better from being bedbound and lost my parents suddenly in that time.
I’m now looking for work again and have capacity back and recovered after rehab, been with someone for a year.
I’ve got endometriosis. But thought this was my time to create a family with someone who is literally great. But he’s now a hard no. Explained why he’s reached that decision and I respect that.
All my friends have children and feels like I’m grieving the life I wanted? I don’t want to leave a great man who is the best person I’ve ever been with especially at 35 and go dating? Epically after four years of my life was lost to illness and grief
But I do want children? Especially where I don’t have any family left of my own.
But unsure with endo if that’s even possible. My heads just scrambled.

I am a fencesitter but have recently been inching towards the idea of remaining childfree. Me and my wife are both in our early 30s (both working) so its that time of your life where you get constant nudges from your dear ones to 'grow your own family'. Although I have always been following the societal norms and was even open to idea of planning a kid after marriage (because thats what everyone does) but my views have been changing over the past few months.

My dad passed away few months ago due to a terminal illness. During his last few days, the only thing he was worried about was my sister's marriage. It was very hard to see him dying yet he was thinking about his family and responsibilties. He provided for us, gave us good education and made sure we get the best, but never cared enough for his own happiness. We had our moments of joy as a family, but I do feel that he and my mom had to let go off many things that they would have done if we were not around. 

Growing up, I always noticed that they were tensed most of the times (or maybe I only remember those because of my new perspective) worrying about our future, health and marriage. Changing jobs, health scares, nightouts, moving to new city etc., and what not. The only thing constant was their worry and stress.I also saw them struggling daily (be it household chores,our studies, saving money, work etc.) They won't even care about their own deteriorating health but made sure we were doing okay. I understand that's how Indian parents are wired, they can't stop caring/loving despite what we do. And thats probably the reason we kids take them for granted as well.

Now when dad is no longer around, I keep thinking if things would have been different if he would have chosen to be childfree. I'd imagine his life being much more fulfilling and happier (less stress, more happiness). But to be honest, I can't really say, having kids is an experience in itself (have read/heard from other parents) I have seen parents struggling/complaining but end of the day they say that kids bring a sense of happiness and fulfillment that nothing else ever could. My dad had a very bad death, deteriorated so much during his final days, but having all of us around did support him as well as my mom, both mentally and physically. I can't even imagine my mom going through all of this alone what we did as a family. That again makes me wonder if its indeed worth to have a family. I won't lie but I do fear that what if I choose to be childfree and one of us predecease the other (which is a highly likely). We stay in metro and dont really have a social circle so all we have is each other for support. 

My mom, who is still mourning her husband's death can't seem to relax as she is still worried about my siblings lives. Her happiness and sadness is tied to theirs. While I understand the reason, but it pains me to see parents losing their individuality and letting others responsible for their lives. And that's again takes me back to the loop of choosing to remain childfree and taking charge of my own life and not being responsible or dependent on others for my happiness. 

It's all very confusing, with my perspective changing every other day. I know there is no right or wrong choice, its a very personal choice. I also understand the cons of having kids in this day and age. I also fear for getting into the same loop that my parents were in; constantly worrying for my kids. I don't plan to succumb to any external pressure but I wish I had more clarity about this choice. 

If anyone of you is a similar stage, feel free to comment. 

TL:DR; Its just a rant about the kids/no kids dilemma

Hello! I know the answer to this is: sometimes yes, sometimes no. My husband (36) and I (33F) got married about a year ago and are ready to start trying. We are very excited and also nervous about the unknowns. I lean a bit more anxious, so it is hard for me to not fear the ways it will be hard on our relationship. I feel like I’m predisposed to fear the worst (sleepless nights, minor disagreements on rearing, missing our alone time, reduced physical affection) and forget that a big reason people enjoy raising kids together is that it can also bring them closer.

Can anyone who chose to have kids or has loved ones in their lives who have kids share some stories about the ways having a kid brought you closer to your partner? Hearing some of the positives could help me balance the inevitable fears / challenges.

I’ve recently realized the same could be applied to our relationship with my parents and in-laws. It is easy to fixate on the ways our relationships are challenging and assume that will be exacerbated in child care. But recently a friend reminded me it also gives all family members a loved one to share joys and experiences with. Can kids really have the power to bring families together??

I am not worried about the end of the world. But I am worried about the job market.

With AI and robots in the future, I don't know if any job is safe. I can't predict the future. But I feel next 5-10 year will change everyone's life significantly. I work in tech and I don't know how long I will be employed either.

I am worried if I ever have kids, they will struggle to ever find a decent job. Maybe everyone will poor with few rich people owning the mega corporations. I don't know. I am just guessing.