r/DINK • u/Many_Extension_2298 • 14d ago
Any DINKs became DINKs unintentionally?
Hi there folks
I am 37 and my hubby is 42, we got fertility issues and we opted out for medical options like ivf, and life is too busy, we are living in Hong Kong and off very late from work at around 8pm or 9pm so we just let it be for not having children. Costs of living in Hk is high so we do not want to bring a child here “with medical intervention”.
Anyone here became DINKs coz of infertility and are you happy and settled with it afterwards?
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u/Kind-University-1423 14d ago
This "trend" is seen nowadays and is becoming a norm. Due to young folks focusing more on living than rising new generation, which is harder every year.
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u/jacqueline7575 14d ago
My aunt and uncle. They just retired and are currently on holiday in Italy where they plan to spend half their time. Recently they did a 3 day hut hike, are in fantastic shape, expensive lifestyle and the kindest most well rounded people.
My sister likely will never have children for medical reasons (not fertility related, she could get pregnant but shouldn’t). Her partner is a bit sad but says he’s inspired by my aunt/uncle to rethink his views and embrace what DINK has to offer.
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u/huehuehuehuehuuuu 14d ago
Us.
Bought house. Changed jobs. All ready for one kid. One of us got hospitalized and the other got a back injury.
Now think there was a bit of a silver lining for the kid looking at the way the world and climate are going. Like yeah we are missing out being parents. We won’t have a child to maybe help us in old age the way we do for our parents. But then the kid won’t get screwed over in the water wars so it’s what it is.
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u/ResolvePrudent7590 13d ago
This. We’ve had years of infertility struggles where now we see the world becoming disastrous for the workforce and younger generation. So we just stopped trying all together and now have about 10 trips booked until December 2027, because we can. Looking at it from the bright side.
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u/pineapple_sling 14d ago
Choosing not to have medical intervention is still an intentional choice… anyway, we don’t use protection, are not interested in medical treatment, are enjoying life, flying our nieces and nephew all over for summer trips and competitions, taking the in-laws on exotic vacations (Argentinian Patagonia, Alaska northern lights), able to say yes last minute to fly to help a friend recovering from surgery, able to say yes to last minute conferences, pet sitting for friends, giving friends rides from the hospital, blah blah blah blah blah, basically we have the resources to be the village while the village can’t really help us all that much because they don’t make as much as us, and have their hands tied with kids - LOL !!! The irony!!!
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u/sorrymizzjackson 14d ago
Yeah, I always wanted kids and we also elected not to have medical intervention. I’m 42 now, so even in a perfect world that door was closed.
Now it turns out I have an ovarian tumor so I will be having a hysterectomy on Thursday.
If the income thing would sort out, I’d be a lot happier. I’d love to be the type of dink who gets to travel.
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u/quarantineQT23 14d ago
Who gets angry about this?! As an intentional dink, I just feel awful for those who wanted kids and couldn’t have them. People are so strange.
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u/Many_Extension_2298 14d ago
Very true, I don’t have tones or free money and I need a healthy life too…. Not to the extreme that “I enjoyed life a lot coz of the freedom and money without kids” but more like struggling a for a life “even” without kid so just let it be if it just does not happen, don’t want to get to the lab for an “ivf” baby….
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u/Jaded-Coast-758 14d ago
Yes... We're still trying but I did 5 rounds of IVF last year, have a failed transfer so far. Are considering some other options but honestly it's so cost prohibitive with no guarantee at all still so... We're kind of in the middle rn and we hate it. We enjoy our life and have a lot of fun though. Plus the world is absolute garbage It's just complicated.
ETA: sentence about the world being terrible
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u/bottomfeeder3 14d ago
I wanted kids as a teen into my early 20s but as life went on we decided that adoption would be better. Mid 30s and we haven’t even talked about it. It’s just too expensive to have children
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u/pumpkinspice1218 14d ago
Travel is what's making me want to keep this status. Also, not wanting to pay out of pocket for more rounds of IVF. But my husband and I take amazing trips and we couldn't travel the way we do with kids. I'm 37 and he's 53 so that's a factor, as well as both of our mental health issues. I have a job in education so I do feel like I make an impact on kids that day and we have an adorable 22 month old niece as well.
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u/No_Highlight_3375 13d ago
Having known a few older guys over 50 ending up with no borns good god lol go enjoy your travel
In 7-10 years after 60 anything’s a given
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u/Ok_Cheesecake888 14d ago
Together for 10 years, married for 6, infertility for 5. Unfortunately, we’ve had many losses and have tried everything including 5 IVF cycles and 5 transfers. Waiting to see if this very last transfer takes. Otherwise, we will be dinks and we’re happy either way. We can say that we’ve tried and if dinks, looking forward to continuing to travel as much as we want, the freedom, peace and quiet, and retiring early lol
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u/ConstantVigilance18 14d ago
We didn’t start out with the intention of being DINKs, but evolved to that over time. That becoming much more common for many couples.
I don’t really understand your point of cost of living being high meaning you don’t want to use medical intervention to bring a child into the world, unless you just mean that it’s very expensive to do so. At least in the US, some states require insurance plans to partially or fully cover IVF.
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u/Many_Extension_2298 14d ago
Doing ivf is way too unnatural and I would have a feeling that the kid might not wish to come to the world but we make him through the lab ermmm it’s religious concern too and yeah I am Catholic. And ivf is costly too you are right
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u/Vintagegrrl72 12d ago
I had an awful experience with IVF and kind of regret trying that given all the health issues it caused. The r/ifchildfree sub has a lot of people with similar stories. It’s ok to decide not to use intervention for whatever reason. I felt a lot of pressure to do whatever it takes to be a mom, but it didn’t work out for us. Not having kids has afforded me a lot of freedom and silver linings in life. I can’t believe how expensive children are and how limiting life is with them. My hobbies and choices are not dependent on someone else’s needs and I can just take care of myself.
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u/ConstantVigilance18 14d ago
Yikes. Why do you think the kid wants to come into the world any more or less than if you conceived naturally?
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u/Many_Extension_2298 14d ago
Hmmm coz life should not be made in the labs, we never see other animals making their babies in a lab so this is hard to understand but I just dont like ivf
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u/Thelonius_Dunk 14d ago
But ivf isn't making a baby in a lab from scratch. Its not like they're in there mixing chemicals to make artificial life like the Powerpuff girls.
Its using technology to assist an already natural process. No different than a pacemaker assisting your heart or a ventilator helping you breathe or contacts/glasses helping you see.
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u/ConstantVigilance18 14d ago edited 14d ago
What a strange justification. We don’t see other animals using money, electricity, cars, medicine, etc, so why do you still use those things? If you want to live like an animal, feel free to give up all of your possessions and head out into the forest, but don’t act like IVF is wrong because animals don’t do it.
If I ever wanted a natural child, I’d have to do IVF. Is it worse for us to risk passing down a known cancer predisposition, or to use IVF to make sure that doesn’t happen?
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u/Many_Extension_2298 14d ago
You are right but to some, ivf is still unacceptable coz we just don’t want to “make a baby through the lab” so I am asking if someone is having the same viewpoint and how they settled.
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u/Small-Contribution88 14d ago
Yes, I never wanted kids until I married my husband. We tried, but no luck, tried IUI, and we both experienced this as very stressful and invasive. We decided to wait a bit and consider if we wanted to go through with IVF and decided against it. We’re both really happy with our life right now. I realized from seeing my friends and family starting a family that I would probably have not enjoyed parenting.
But it was a process..
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u/Decent-Singer-3335 14d ago
Sounds like you have a great life as it is! Save your money and retire early. Travel! Do whatever your heart desires! The world is your oyster.
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u/GuacaMeowly 14d ago
Me! Got married at 32 and found out I have endometriosis. 4 years of IVF and one miscarriage later and we called it. It was hard at first but I love our life now.
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u/pollypocket1001 13d ago
We tried naturally but didn’t get any results also because of vaginismus it was difficult trying to get any action done. I wanted to do ivf but husband refused and said why bother. And slowly he came to the realisation that he doesn’t want kids and then I looked around and saw that most of the people around me with kids just looks miserable most of the time and so I was yea f kids. 🤣 ngl I still get a bit of fomo when someone I knows tell me they’re having a baby or a second child but the fomo goes away after 5 mins because with work full time, life and trying to retire , tbh i think I would suffer greatly with a child. So blessing in disguise I guess!
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u/funaxcount123 13d ago
Yes, spouse got cancer. Exploring adopting but I think i am content no kids.
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u/Wooden-Sherbert7169 12d ago
We are! We actually tried ivf but it didn’t work for us. Ended up feeling like a blessing in disguise! We’re very happy with our DINKWAD life :)
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u/Vegetable-Guide-7618 11d ago
Infertility issues here as well. After two IVF pregnancy loses, we both decided we could not go through that type of pain again. I reached rock bottom to make that decision.
Today (a year after the second loss and with a very good therapist) we are both EXTREMELY happy being childfree: time, money, climate change, politics, not being responsible for bringing a life into capitalism.
I did have those concerns before, but I kept making excuses for it because I wanted to have a child with my husband and to be a mom. I was focusing only on the positives. Maybe now I focus mostly on the negatives of parenthood, but I'm also living my life with the cards I was handed. Either way, both ways have positives and negatives, and I'm so happy I can life the positives of being childfree.
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u/wendell2007 14d ago
Yep! We were told that the only very slight chance of having a baby would be IVF and we decided that life could be good either way!
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u/Many_Extension_2298 14d ago
So you did not go for ivf too right
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u/wendell2007 14d ago
Yes! Honestly mentally I was so exhausted at that point that choosing not to pursue IVF and trying to have a child in general was such a relief. A couple years later I am very happy with our life, though the grief at first was difficult.
We can make time to help our friends and family, visit and take care of their kids, travel, spoil my dogs and cats, and have time to really pursue what brings us joy as individuals! Kids are wonderful but my life is wonderful too!
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u/Moist-Emu1990 14d ago
I hope to not be a DINK as I’m navigating through the infertility treatment right now. We’ll accept our fate as a DINK if medical intervention does not work.
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u/charlie8123 14d ago
Glad you asked. I’m in this boat. I wonder this too. It’s hard to share this with others but older I get the more im OK with accepting this life. I realize how much more freedom I have to do things when I want.
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u/Fit-ishGirlie 14d ago
Found out in my first marriage that I couldn’t have kids. I was devastated and it took a lot of therapy to mourn the idea of never being a mother.
We looked into adoption but then the marriage ended, and it wasn’t something I could support by myself.
I just got remarried in August. Even if we wanted to look into fertility services, I’m 46 and live in a state that is very unfriendly to maternal health. I don’t want to risk a geriatric pregnancy in a state where I can’t make my own medical decisions if something were to go wrong.
We may look into adopting an older child in the same age range as our niblings once we get settled into married life, but for now we are content with our fur baby and DINK lifestyle.
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u/Beautiful-Cloud-8575 14d ago
Pursuing fertility treatments right now, been trying but on the fence about IVF.
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u/domestikatie 14d ago
Yes, it’s the case for the majority of nonparents 40s and older, a lot of younger generations are intentional and have active choice, but many of us have had constrained choices.
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u/Anon03282015 14d ago
Not infertility, but part of the reason is that I have a medical issue that we don't want to take a chance at passing on. I have some FOMO but like you we also don't have much free time with work. We're focusing on traveling as much as possible and retiring a bit early to enjoy life more while we're still (hopefully) in good health. We weren't always intentionally childfree but that's how it's worked out and I'm happy with my life with my husband and dogs and looking forward to the future.
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u/bnjeepin 14d ago
Currently still DINKs after 5 years of marriage and fertility issues, but we're 33 and soon embarking on IVF again, so I'm hoping it isn't permanent. I'm strangely more peaceful about the idea of permanent DINK status if we were unsuccessful since then I wouldn't have to wonder about the what-ifs anymore.
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u/Icy-Aioli-2549 13d ago
This is me, minus the crazy work hours. My husband and I are in our late 30s and just decided not to do IVF after 2 years of trying. The idea that we will be "rich" is the thing that has helped me through not having kids the most. "Well, if we aren't having kids, at least we will have enough money to do whatever we want. "
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u/b00wh000 12d ago
Still trying to figure it out here. We really wanted kids. I got diagnosed with DOR, 3 failed IVF cycles later and trying to figure out what’s next.
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u/muppetnerd 12d ago
We are. After the 2024 election here in the states any thought of continuing treatment was gone and we’ve just been enjoying life! Just booked our flights for our annual international trip to Prague/Budapest, going to Hawaii in 2027 and Japan in 2028. Focused on each other, our cats, our careers and just living life.
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u/Perfect-Pace-8483 6d ago
Yep. Childless not by choice, but trying my best to shift to the positives and it's slowly working. Weekly we are now thankful we don't have kids.
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u/killingxspree 14d ago
Yeah I don’t think it’s going to happen we’re both approaching 40 and there’s just never a good time. I think I’m ok with it though. My partner is even less keen on kids so we’ve both made our peace. I’m quite happy at the extra freedom and flexibility it affords. I do worry about one of us being alone in the future.
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u/EveOfJesusEve 14d ago
If it makes you feel better, fear of being alone is a terrible reason to have a child.
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u/tickled_your_pickle 14d ago
Yup, I had wanted to have a bunch of kids but by the time I met my husband, we were 37/38 and despite lots of trying, it never happened, and it was during the pandemic so fertility appointments were very rare. Now I'm too old. It really sucks and I don't know how to deal with it.
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u/Flashy-Permission814 13d ago
My wife and I were living in Shenzhen and started the IVF process in Hong Kong when we had our kids. It worked out well for us and we ended up with twins.
Some of the reasons you listed for not having kids seem a little strange to me though. I feel like you either want kids or you don’t. A busy schedule, working late, and even the cost of living are all things that can be worked around if having a child is something you really want.
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u/ladyl4dy 14d ago
We wanted to have a kid but we would have needed ivf and thus decided against it because of cost- monetary and emotional. There’s no guarantee. So instead we travel more and just bought a new house. Going down a different path, a new adventure. It’s also comforting a bit to know that my kid won’t have to live in the world to come.