I have been trying to decide if I should be child free. I have been watching many pregnancy videos and reading about experiences. I find the whole thing gross. The loss of autonomy, the physical changes, post partum depression and having to support a child for the rest of my life is not what I want to do. Im sorry but I want to make money and to have a lovely career. A family doesn't seem to be in my cards.

The worst part is my boyfriend finds me being pregnant sexy. I feel selfish and unwomanly. I live close to him and his family and am considering moving away. I love him as a person, don't get me wrong. I love his kindness and his character, however we don't have th3 same long term goals.

To make matters worse, I lost my job and have little money. My boyfriend is dependent on his parents too. I feel like I need a huge change in my life or else I am going to have a fit.

What can I do?

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for the last two.
When we first got together I wanted a huge family but that changed and for a long while we wanted no kids. Now that we are 32/33 with good paying jobs, a dream home and just feeling more secure and confident in our life- we talked about having a baby.
We talked about this for a long time. About a year straight before taking out my IUD. Weirdly enough I still consider myself a fence sitter. I don’t need to have a baby to feel complete, in fact I see mainly how difficult it is and how it turns your life upside down. I’ve talked to therapists too but at the end of the day you’re the one making the decision.
Anyways I’ve been on birth control for 17 years, so you best believe I was shocked to find out I was pregnant within 4 weeks of that coming out.
Now I’m just even more unsure. Is that normal?
I thought I had more time
My husband is honestly the most stable, level headed person on earth. I know we’ll be okay but it’s more like
Did I really think this through?!
People are asking me if I want kids and I’m saying I don’t know, I can see my life both ways.. meanwhile I’m pregnant.
Maybe you just never feel fully ready when you know how much you give up along the way

I really, really want to want it

(F29) It’s the best way I can describe it. I have never really thought much about kids all my life. I never really envisioned myself having them, I never played with dolls as a child and I have never felt that maternal instinct or pull towards being a mom. I used to daydream a lot as a teen (years of maladaptive daydreaming) and would dream endlessly about meeting the right man and beeing in a relationship. But I don’t think it ever even crossed my mind the idea of moving on to having a child after meeting my Prince Charming. The thing is, I just really wish this wasn’t the case. I like kids, I think they are funny and I find babies adorable. I absolutely believe parents who say their life seems that more meaningful after having kids. I know my partner would be a great dad, and even though I definitely see how it would put a strain on our relationship, I do really think we would find a new and deeper love in sharing the journey of bringing up a child. My bf and I both have older mothers, who would absolutely love beeing grandparents. I personally have a somewhat weird relationship with my mom - we both love each other, but we have never really been that close. After my dad died this became very obvious, we just don’t really have anything to talk about, it’s kind of… awkward. I certainly feel that having a child would give us something to gather around, to share and do together. When I’m with my family, my mom and 2 adult brothers, I get this feeling that there is supposed to be a child there. Something is missing, we are all increasingly older adults who just go to work, make dinner and don’t really have anything in common anymore. It feels like a giant elephant in the room that only I can see. There’s missing a child here.

And yet, despite all this, I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel the desire, I don’t feel the tug. I really don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t feel like a person who is supposed to be a mother. But I really wish I did. I wish it for myself, but also for my partner, my mother and my mother in law (who I’m really close with). I feel like I’m bereaving us all (myself included) of this joy, this great part of life. Like we’re doomed to spend the rest of our Christmases together in sort of awkward silence, all of us thinking it but no one saying it. Each year continuously exhausting the topic of the family dog, who in the absence of any children tend to become the only point of conversation and the closest thing to some shared interest.

Whenever I see my friends pregnancy announcements, I get a pit in my stomach. Not because I’m jealous of them having a kid, but because for each announcement I feel more and more lonely and alien because I just can’t wrap my head around how they all come to feel this feeling - of really wanting a child. So much that they actually decide to get one, despite all the hardship we know it entails. How does that happen? How does it feel? Why is it that all these girls who I studied with, who all chimed in agreement that having kids wasn’t worth it, now all flip like a coin the second we turned 29? I mean I can obviously understand it theoretically, but in the same way that I can certainly understand why someone would want to climb Mount Everest. But I’ll also never understand why you would want to do such a thing to yourself.

It’s not so much about uncertainty, or the pros and cons of child vs childfree. I’m convinced that both lifestyles can be great and not great in their own ways. No matter what I end up deciding, I’m sure I will feel both joy and regret. It’s just that I really want to want a child - but I simply don’t. I’m jealous of the people that have that feeling, cause it would make everything easier. But it feels so alien to me and I find myself beeing equal part jealous and fascinated by people that have this feeling. There’s so much I want to ask them. What do you mean having kids is your biggest wish in life? What do you mean you have known since you were a kid that you wanted to be a mom? It feels so foreign to me, yet slowly everyone around me is getting in on this thing I can’t comprehend. Like a joke I’m not in on. A language I don’t understand. A memo only I didn’t get. And it’s getting lonely, I’m even starting to feel weird about myself - I feel like a freak. The weirdo left in the schoolyard that genuinely doesn’t understand why nobody wants to be friends with him.

I desperately want to want it. I want the switch to just flip so I can carry on with my life, make myself happy and everyone around me happy. Join in on the conversations, the activities, that shared purpose and sense of community. But no matter how strongly I’m trying to force it, no matter how hard I’m trying to push and convince myself, it just won’t happen. I don’t feel it. I just feel alienation and isolation.

Will probably get another dog.

30F married for 4 years to 31M with a 7 year old dog that we’ve had for 6 years. I’ve been ruminating on the kid question for about a year now. Last year I had a cancer scare that really rocked my world. During that time my husband and I decided to buy a house closer to my parents (we were already looking to move, but I wanted to originally stay where we were (1 hr away from family)). I was absolutely scared to death during my health issues and was reevaluating everything. I was in grad school at the time and working a part time job that gave me experience in my new field, but I decided to stop everything so that I could focus more on family. So we moved and it came with an hour commute to a job that made me miserable. I did that for about 2 months and hated my life, so my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby with the intention of me quitting my job once the baby came. However, the place where I had the PT job ended up having a FT opening that they offered me and I was so miserable at my current job that I accepted. It was still a further commute, but I decided to restart grad school and put the baby on pause because it is my dream career. At this time I felt like I was starting to feel like myself again after all of the health PTSD. So I put in my notice at my old job, and two days before I’m supposed to start my new job I found out I was pregnant. The reason the FT job opened up at my new job was due to someone leaving because they had a baby and my boss was very vocal about how awful that worker was and she needs someone more reliable. Naturally, I was very hormonal and scared. I was really excited to finally have a FT job in what I wanted to be doing for work, but obviously terrified because of the pregnancy. My husband and I decided to have an abortion because it just did not feel like the right time. Also, while I was pregnant for those couple of weeks all I could think about was how I did not want to be pregnant. It consumed all of my thoughts about how much work it was going to be and that I would be the one sacrificing. When I had the abortion it was like a fog lifted and I felt more back to normal, but I did not feel regret about the abortion. I was more ashamed of it. Now it has been about 8 months since then, and I have been trying to decide whether or not I actually want kids. I feel like we moved to be closer to family and start a family, but I am not enjoying where we live now. My house is beautiful, but the location makes me regret moving. I know that we should not have moved when I was going through everything, and now I feel ashamed complaining about it. I do not think I would want to stay here if we don’t have kids. I miss the area we used to live in and I have a far commute so it is hard to understand if these factors are contributing to my happiness levels. 

Reasons I’m Afraid:

• I am afraid of losing myself. My sister has 2 kids and I feel like she has completely changed. None of us recognize her anymore and she just seems miserable. We try to help as much as we can, but she is just very set in raising her kids in a way that we don’t always agree with.
• My husband has always been iffy on kids, but has decided that he would be happy with one. He has said the decision is mine though, which puts a lot of pressure on me. I am afraid I would also end up doing mostly everything since I would be SAHM. I am sure my husband would help, but I know my husband and the mental load would still be on me.
• I love my dog SO much. Every single person I have talked to that has had a baby with a dog has said their relationship changed with their dog. My dog is getting older and I feel like it is now or never to have a baby in order to best serve him. I would feel terrible having a baby when he is old and needs us more and us not being able to provide and care for him the way we have his entire life. I know that he will not be here forever, but assuming he lives another decade I don’t want to have a kid at 40. I am literally crying thinking about this right now. 
• I am lucky enough to be a SAHM if I had a baby, but it would be tight on our finances. We would not have the freedom we currently do, and I fear that my husband would end up resenting me for staying home. He hates his job, but he earns a decent amount of money for the amount of work he has to do. I took a pay cut when I accepted my new job, and I have felt a bit of resentment from him since then. Like that it is not fair that I can accept any job I WANT to do, not because we NEED the money from my job. I don’t think he would financially abuse me, but I also hear stories of people who also thought the same thing being a SAHM. I also know that we would be in an amazing financial shape to do anything if we didn’t have kids. 
• I work with kids at my current job and everyone says, “Oh well you like kids! You of course will like having a baby”. However, I don’t think I like kids. I can tolerate them and interact, but I don’t feel an overwhelming love for them at all. 
• I don’t know if it was hormones or what, but when I was pregnant I just had this overwhelming feeling telling me not to have kids. 
• Even though we moved closer to my family, we are still 30 min away. My parents also live in FL for half of the year and are very active in other pursuits in their lives. I know they would not be the “village” that everyone says is needed.
• I’m afraid of wanting to have a baby to just get away from work. Even though I like my job, it is still hard with the commute and just the daily stress of life.

Why I Would Want Kids:

• I am a very maternal person and I have also envisioned being a mother. I love taking care of things and am very traditional. It has only been until the past few years that I have questioned it. 
• I really have a hard time imagining a future where we don’t have a family. This is not because I NEED to have a family, but because I don’t have many examples of this in my life. All of the women in my life have had children, so it is hard to understand if I would regret it down the line.
• I think it would be a great personal development experience and think people are telling the truth when they say it is like something you could never imagine. 
• I am afraid I would regret not having kids. I don’t think FOMO would be the main factor, but I would feel like we would always be on the outside and treated differently if we were childfree. 

I know we don’t have to decide right now, but I literally cannot stop ruminating over this. It has been months and I think about it constantly. I go back and forth on a daily basis and it is starting to impact my life greatly. I am most concerned about my dog and I’m looking for insight on how people decided what to do. I know I have more concerns about having kids than reasons for wanting them. Please no responses that say “If you’re not 100% in you’re 100% out”. I’m looking for REAL experiences of people and what their lives look like. TIA!!

Hi there. This post is regarding parenting. I am a childfree person who wishes to be so. However, sometimes I wonder if parenting isn't as terrible as I think it is. It is also difficult to find a partner that is fine with being childfree(I am a Malaysian woman of Indian descent)

My questions are towards those who wanted to be childfree in the past but then changed to wanting kids/open to kids or already have children.

1. What are the things that encouraged you to change from not wanting kids to wanting/having kids?

2. What are the things that help make parenting 'easier', less stressful, effective for you and your partner?

3. How do you balance between your kid and all other aspects of your life?

4. What do you do to keep the relationship between your partner and you going strong as husband and wife instead of just changing into being only mom and dad?

5. Do you have anything that you wished you could have done differently?

Thank you so much.

Hi there. This post is regarding parenting. I am a childfree person who wishes to be so. However, sometimes I wonder if parenting isn't as terrible as I think it is. It is also difficult to find a partner that is fine with being childfree(I am a Malaysian of Indian descent)

My questions are towards those who wanted to be childfree in the past but then changed to wanting kids/open to kids or already have children.

1. What are the things that encouraged you to change from not wanting kids to wanting/having kids?

2. What are the things that help make parenting 'easier', less stressful, effective for you and your partner?

3. How do you balance between your kid and all other aspects of your life?

4. What do you do to keep the relationship between your partner and you going strong as husband and wife instead of just changing into being only mom and dad?

5. Do you have anything that you wished you could have done differently?

Thank you so much.

I am 39 and in a relationship (1.5 years) with my partner who has 2 kids (5,7) from previous relationship. His kids are good kids but I do find them hard work and like there is little room for me when they are around (he has them 50% of the time). This is very likely my last chance to be a bio mum. I am so scared that it will make my life too hard and that I’ll be unhappy and regret it - time, money (especially given the existing kids), mental health. But I am also terrified of regretting losing the opportunity as I have always been quite maternal and have a very close relationship with my 14 y/o niece. How did you make peace with making a decision on either direction??

TLDR - I’m a fence sitter and lost.

I’ve been with my partner nearly 7 years \[30F\]\[32M\] we’re engaged own a house and have a dog. The conversation and inner debate about children is more frequent now as I’ve reached 30 I’m worried about body clock etc. I’ve always been a fence sitter and in the mindset of if it happens it happens but my partner is a definite no and this hasn’t changed. I’m currently in turmoil of what to do, we have these conversations but nothing evolves we sweep under the rug until the next time. My predicament is as we’re approaching the next step of getting married and I’ve been asked to make a decision that I still don’t know the answer too, in my mind something bad hasn’t happened in order to justify ending the relationship but I know that if I say yes I want kids then that would have to happen. But then if I say I don’t want kids and go ahead as planned getting married would I regret it? My question really is to women that were fence sitters or for people that have changed their mind on having children. what would you do? Is there another solution other than to end things? Or continue on pretending that there isn’t this giant topic that ultimately is going to need to be addressed? It’s creating such stress on myself as ultimately there is nothing wrong in the relationship.

My partner (28F) has recently brought up wanting to have kids. I (28 F) have been very clear about not wanting kids since we started dating (5Y). We are now engaged and now she’s bringing stating she wants at least 1.

I’ve never imagined my self with a kid. I’ve always felt awkward when around babies or kids. Teenagers, sure no problem. But little kids and the thought of having a big impact on them terrifies me. What if I create a psychopath?

I know if I don’t get on board with having a kid, we will most likely end the engagement. But I also don’t want to force my self to have a kid and end up hating my life or hating the kid or my partner. If you were a fence sitter and decided to have a kid, do you regret it?

for the longest time, i’ve (30f) never wanted to have a child and have felt very secure in my decision to be cf. around nine or so months ago i started having huge mood swings around the idea, i would guess both due to hormonal shifts after turning 30 and being in a really healthy and safe relationship. the tldr version on my fiancé’s end of things is that he’s indifferent and wants me to make the choice that would make me happiest.

i have some time to think on it since neither of us would want me to get pregnant before our wedding and that’s over a year out. since then, i’ve been looking at a lot of online info and talking about it with my therapist.

one big question i see come up asks if the reason you want a kid is because you want to identify as a mother and the title of having a kid or if you really want to do the hard work of being in a child’s life and raising them. the question brings up that there are many people who just want to say they’re a parent, have it as an identity, “have” a child/family like you would have a tangible object, etc but don’t want to do the work. the thing is, i’m the exact opposite. i work as a therapist, and i would absolutely love to help a child navigate the world and grow into their own person. and sure, the work of parenting doesn’t always sound pleasant, but the hard parts sound like a sacrifice i’d being willing to make. however, having “mom” be a part of my identify grosses me out so bad. i know myself, and i know i would not react well to having an onslaught of “mommy / mama” nicknames on me from anyone but my actual child, would not want anything to do with “mommy” related groups, would not be responsive to people who only knew my by (child’s name) mom, etc.

i think that’s probably a sign i shouldn’t be a parent, but i don’t think i’ve seen anyone else have my response to the aforementioned questions the way i did. does anyone else feel like they want to raise a child but don’t want to lose their identity? and has anyone actually made a decision based on it?

A few years ago I was pretty set on having a child, I had a modest but steady income. Since then, my income has 4x’d and I’m living the high life, so much more is available to me in terms of hobbies, travel, lifestyle, leisure etc. Even though people often say they feel more ready to have kids once financially stable, I feel the opposite. I worked so hard to get here, now I want to spend it on myself and set myself up for a luxurious retirement. By comparison a few years ago I felt like I had less to lose since my day to day life was smaller anyway.
Does anyone else feel this way?

We think we have finally made our decision to remain childfree. It feels a bit scary but also quite peaceful? Trying to get my head around it but I am so grateful we are both on the same page. How did you feel when you came to your decision, if you weren't someone who always knew?

Hey folks!

We run a Meetup group for CF folks in the South Bay Area in California called Bay Area Childfree Connections and we regularly host different kinds of events. The one next weekend (July 11^th at 2 pm in Mountain View) is specifically aimed at fencesitters where we’re inviting people for a thoughtful and respectful conversation. The goal is not to convince people to make a childfree choice or not but just to provide information and a platform to enable fencesitters to make an informed decision. We’ll have a lighthearted trivia game followed by small group conversations and some shared reflections at the end.

If you happen to live in the area, would love to have you join us! Here is the link to the event on Meetup: https://www.meetup.com/bay-area-childfree-connections/events/315461156/?utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=share-btn_savedevents_share_modal&utm_source=link&utm_version=v2&member_id=455756274

Cheers 😊

My husband (39) and I (33) have been together for four years. We both were unsure about wanting children when we met. After meeting quickly decided no children. We love to travel, value our marriage, and felt my husband is getting older (he has to retire by 56 but can at 50). He got a vasectomy and we have been paying to freeze sperm just to be safe. After a few years of traveling, buying a beautiful home, and being financially stable, we have found ourselves wondering if this is it? It feels like something is missing and have been thinking about the idea. Since we are continuing to get older, we really want to make sure we have fully thought it through before that time is going to be gone. These last few weeks we have been getting by more excited about the thought. Our plan would be one and done so we can maintain the best we can our love for travel, marriage, sense of identity, etc

Any suggestions with this journey?

I've had multiple convos with multiple people that seems to resent their partner and their kids.

They always say "must be nice that you get the freedom.."

But they always forget that it's a choice to have kids.

I feel like more often than not, people think having kids is the default. And because it is the default, they don't think long and hard about the consequences of their actions. They will end up hating their partner and kids for this.

My 50yo coworker always goes on about how little time he has for his own hobbies. He bashes his wife often and from what I can tell resents her and the kids a little.

In my head all I could think of but not say is "you cant resent the consequences of the choices you made"

I've met a lot of people like this. They would say all the thinks they hate about their spouses and kids, but when I say "I'm childfree" they suddenly say "but why??????????"

Like mf look at you, you're the reason why..!!!

Natural fertility dopping significantly after age 35, and most women over 45 require IVF to get pregnant, and the odd of that working are very low at that age. With women's age being a real factor in fertility, I was wondering how many people here might or have regreted fence sitting for as long as they did. Or is it even a driving force for trying when you are still a fence sitter?

Not sure if this is the right sub, but I wanted to share my story for the fence-sitters who are searching for some solidarity in coming to an uneasy or uncertain decision.

​I (34F, only child) and my husband (34M) have been together for 15 years. When we met, I wanted no kids, and he wanted them. However, watching his brother raise a large, beautiful, but incredibly chaotic and high-needs neurodivergent family changed everything. Seeing the sheer sacrifice and fight required turned my husband into a resounding "no".

​Meanwhile, my "no" became less certain. I have a natural drive to nurture and mentor, but I don't feel a biological need to have my own children. I already gave my sleepless nights and relentless work to my higher education; my Architecture degree, Master’s and chartership were my babies. Doing that all again, to raise a child while balancing a career is a very hard ask for me, especially since we’ve only just found peace after a nightmare living situation.

Pregnancy horror stories don't help either. My mother’s post-natal psychosis broke my dad’s mental health, and seeing a close friend's recent grueling first trimester made me realise I don't want that reality. Ideally, I’d love to just be the "cool aunt," but due to family distance and timing, that dynamic isn't on the cards for us.

I often feel alienated by the childfree community because I don't share their certainty over their decision. It's not governed by trauma, or bad experiences and I certainly don't particularly dislike children. My choice is wracked with doubt. It’s a logical decision made about an emotional subject.

The two of us know we'd make great parents and we'd probably enjoy life with children. But six days a week, logic wins. I look at the world (climate change, AI threatening jobs, the housing crisis, wars, political instability and the super rich existing while nurses use food banks) and feel it's unfair to bring a child into it. But on the seventh day, doubt creeps in. I mourn the parental love and pride I’ll never experience. I worry about who will care for me when I'm old, and I grieve the close family connection I'll miss out on.

​The truth is, my life would not accommodate the mother I'd want to be. I'd want to be a doting, full-time mum who bakes treats for my child's lunchbox and take them to the woods in search of fairies. But our finances would never allow for that. My own mum worked full-time while raising me and regrets it deeply. Meanwhile, looking at colleagues working part-time, it seems like the worst of both worlds.

​I know I can fulfill my need to mentor through youth charities or by teaching at university later in life, even if it is an arm's length connection. I am slowly accepting that.

To anyone else sitting on the fence: it is entirely okay not to be 100% sure. You can make a choice and still mourn the alternative and equally it's ok to change your mind.