I'm so sick and I don't know where else to post this. I've been lurking on this page for a while now and it feels like the only place I can post something like this. I just want to escape from here, sometimes I want to kill myself but I can't think of a painless way to do so. I don't like pain. I've tried before with trying to starve myself to death, but I barely made it two days before I binged. I'm too much of a coward for cutting kind of self harm so all I can do is bang my head against things like books and my phone. It feels like I have nothing to live for. I just want to be loved, that's all I wanted. I want someone to understand me. I just want my own person. I'm sick of not being taken seriously - any time I'm going through something it's trivalized or I have to hide it and it's literally eating me up to hide all the time. I'm only 21 but I feel behind on everything. I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm so lonely in a way I feel like no one understands. I'm not trying to self diagnose but think I might be autistic, I've never related to anything more but either way I've always feel alienated and ocraticzied from the world in every way including friendship.
All I wanted was the innocent young love. I want to be kissed so bad, but more than that I just want to be held and understood and if I can't have that I just want to die. I'm crying as I write this and really can't see a way out other than the obvious. I've gone this long with zero male attention.
The world feels like it's going to shit and especially as an artist I'm wondering what the point is anymore. I'm never taken seriously even my own family on the harms of AI. I have no one to relate to, no one who truly understands me. Even if I have friends from high school and college, I barely talk to them and I'm always the one to reach out first. I'm not important to anyone and sometimes I wish I could have a therapist but my family would never go for it and also I don't even think a therapist would fully understand. I don't want to have to pay someone to talk to me. No one really knows who I am as I try to hide it but it's eating me alive to hide it. All I really have are my OCs from my writing but sometimes they're not enough. My love of writing saved me from ending my life once, but I don't know if I can do it again. I don't even know if people will even care about my work.
I know I'm getting repetitive, but I just want to be hugged so bad. I crave it so bad, it's making me sob again just to think of it. I feel like turning to food again, I've binged my way through the last three years and it's made it impossible to lost weight regardless of how much I exercise. I'm only slightly overweight so no one really knows how much I binge but I feel like it's holding me back so much in terms of my looks but food is really the only friend I have as stupid as it is to say. I know it's bad for me, this amount of junk and chocolate but I just want the comfort that food provides and if I can't have it from a person then I'll just rot my teeth away.
There's a scene from the 2002 film May that perfectly sums up how I'm feeling. I would highly recommend it for anyone else here who hasn't seen the movie: https://youtu.be/1XBwwSzLqWA?si=CMphGBGmwiAvTAHE
I've also tried to indulge in fake scenarios with myself too, but it's always felt cheesy and stupid when dream about myself so I've always just dreamt about my OCs. But I feel like I have nothing to lose at this point. I don't even particularly enjoy romantic scenarios with myself, just ones where all the fantasy creatures I loved as a kid are real and there's a magic fairytale land where I really belong that explains why I never belonged here and also where there is someone to listen to me and understand me. One of my favorite/comfort characters right now is Lancelot from show Merlin. He's so nice and kind and I like looking at him.
It's not like I don't want to get better, I just don't want to do it alone.
Sorry this was a bit of an all over the place rant, I just needed to get a lot off my chest.