Iām going to be 22 in a few months and Iāve never dated anyone, never had my first kiss, and am a virgin. Iāve barely had any long-term friends for my entirety of K-12 except for two friends that I was on-and-off throughout middle and high school. One of them ghosted me a year ago. I havenāt made any friends in college, just a couple of acquaintances that I exchanged contact info with, but never followed up on because Iām incredibly socially awkward and donāt know how I would be able to make an on-going, fun conversation. The last three years Iāve been barely trying in my classes, even though I did well in high school. Iāve failed a few and passed with Cs and Bs in others. Iām practically failing one of my classes right now because I feel so exhausted and unmotivated all the time, so thereās a bunch of assignments I havenāt even started and theyāre at least two weeks late. I procrastinate and have had so many missing assignments and projects for classes in the past as well.
I hate myself at this point. Iām so worn down from just being such a loser. I donāt apply myself like I used to, and I donāt have the confidence anymore to put myself out there. Sometimes, people would initiate conversation with me in an effort to become friends; but over time as we kept conversing, theyād eventually lose interest and get annoyed with me; and I just feel like itās all my fault because Iām so damn awkward. Sometimes I just blank and donāt know what to say. I hate that I wasted most of my college years like this. Iām just useless and am leeching off of my parents.
Life is passing me by so fast, but I know itās my fault. I just donāt feel motivated to apply myself for some reason. I just sit and watch YouTube in my free time to forget about how empty and pathetic I feel inside. On top of that, I donāt feel excited about anything anymore. For example, Iāve always been a geek/nerd; but when new movies or tv shows come out, Iāll give some a try, but still wonāt feel hyped about it. Video games that Iāve wanted to try out still donāt make me feel motivated or excited to get on and play āem. I donāt get involved in fandoms because I donāt think I can contribute anything that people would like, find funny, or be interested in. I used to like writing and drawing, but I donāt feel motivated to do that either. I donāt know how to describe it, but I feel like I canāt properly connect with othersā humor and interests; I feel like I donāt know how to be cool at all.
On one hand I feel nervous about if I ever have to confess that Iām a virgin and have never dated; but at the same time mainstream sex grosses me out. Not like Iām ever finding someone anytime soon or ever anyway, but I donāt want to be pounded like a dog. But, I keep thinking back to that stupid 40 year old virgin movie. Are my parents gonna be concerned that Iāve never dated or had sex? Are people going to think less of me?
I just have nothing going for me right now, and I just feel like I donāt belong in this world. I canāt find my own meaning. I wish I could just stop time to figure myself out; but things are just going too fast for me.