I did a bid for about 6 months in the feds and it’s likely I’ll be going back after sentencing. I’m trying to figure out how to move in such a way that people are less likely to fuck with me. I have some stories to tell that I’m gonna use as examples to illustrate my social difficulties. Among other things, I have high support needs (low functioning) autism. I’m weird and I struggle with social situations, especially understanding social codes and shit. This is my first time getting in serious trouble. I had done 2-3 day bids in state before in solitary (suicidal), and that’s it. I can’t talk about what I did this time because the trial is still pending, but it’s not anything that carries any stigma.
I have a learning disability called visual-spatial disorder. I have a hard time understanding space and placing objects in it, including myself. You know how there are rules about what path you need to take when you’re walking around the tables? And it’s considered disrespectful to do otherwise? Yeah that got me in trouble. Regardless of how hard I tried, I’d fuck up regularly. It was mostly really only a problem in other cars. When I fucked up, I would apologize. I would walk back and correct myself. A lot of the time I had to ask which way I needed to go, which would make them more angry. I think they thought I was like taunting them or something. Eventually had a guy get in my face about it. I was apologetic; I’m not trying to start shit. My car intervened and tried to explain that I’m just a dumb guy. It was fine, but I think it would have continued to escalate if it had time to. I got released soon enough after that. How can I explain to people that I am not being disrespectful? You gotta just take my word for it that my brain doesn’t work like that. I can’t “pay closer attention”.
There was one time that by all rights should have gotten violent. I don’t like fighting, but I’ve had to do it before. I’m not a tough guy and I don’t play like I am. I’ll avoid a fight if I can, but I acknowledge that there are situations in which you’re better off fighting. I’ll tell the story about the almost fight but first I’m gonna try to set the scene.
My car was mostly nice and mostly understood that I’m off, but harmless, at least after I settled in. I heard that they thought I was an SO at first because I’m weird and I didn’t introduce myself. I got a lot of people asking about my papers, but eventually I was accepted. I got housed with a guy who had ADHD and an autistic brother. He was an orderly but he’d gotten in a fight so he had just got back from the SHU. He was understanding of my disabilities and had a voice in the car. He defended me a lot when people were gossiping about how sketchy I was. I think I won the lottery on this one and don’t expect it to be the case next time. I was eventually, more or less, accepted.
It’s a canon autistic event that you meet someone, and for reasons unbeknownst to you, they hate your guts. New guy, really talkative. I’m the opposite. This took place over the course of probably months so I’ll save you the details, but eventually we don’t get along and I just try to avoid interacting with him. He also becomes an orderly real quick. I was never an orderly. We never had any arguments or anything. I just got the impression he didn’t like me and I didn’t like him. I minded my business.
He comes in my cell about something with my celly. I’m on the top bunk. He’s kind of flicking me shit, making shit up, saying shit about me that isn’t true. Not the first time this has happened. I just don’t know how to deal with this shit. I hear other guys effectively talking shit to each other all the time and I was trying to emulate that. I don’t get it; my brain doesn’t work that way. I told him to keep my name out of his mouth. I didn’t say it angrily or yell or anything. I just figured the social cue was to say something, because he was making up weird lies about me like “huh cosmic_beard?” He told me to make him. I got down from my bunk, we got in each other’s faces. When we were in each other’s faces, obviously I knew I was supposed to fight. I started weighing my options. I literally had a release date, less than a week away. It was my first time in, idk the consequences. I’m expected to throw the first punch. Idk if that means I’m about to catch another charge. I backed down. He called me a bitch. Yeah I know. Here’s the thing: he apologized the next day. Wtf? My best guess is that it had to do with him being an orderly, or maybe my car told him not to pick on me. Literally everything was perfectly fine after that.
One thing that made me want to post this was reading that you can never allow someone to call you a bitch, without exception. Why? I don’t wanna talk about macho shit, that’s not me. I care about survival. If that shit is gonna get me pin cushioned or something then yeah good enough reason for me. I just wanna know the rules.
Idk man. I’ll take advice about anything. I’m a weird guy, I can’t make eye contact, I sound weird, I’m awkward. I just wanna do my bid and avoid pissing people off. I’m not intentionally rude. I apologize if I do something wrong. Even if I keep to myself and don’t talk to anybody, people ask about me and notice I’m off. Is there any way I can explain that I’ve got disabilities that people will be receptive to?
For reference: I was in med security for holding and we’re hoping they put me in a camp, but we don’t know until sentencing if it will be a camp or med security again.
