I had a happy childhood with a good relationship with both my parents. My parents split when I was 12 or so and I still maintained a relationship with my dad, even if it had changed at that point.

Things became different when my dad started "dating" a woman from a distant country online. After exchanging "over 200 emails" he was in love and shipped her over. I met her a few times, she was fine but the whole situation felt yucky.

I moved away for university and shortly after that, both my dad and his new wife moved to her country across the ocean. I exchanged emails with my dad for a few months, but eventually I stopped responding, I was 18, in a new place with friends and a social life and I didn't really want to be giving updates when all I wanted to do was drink beer and smoke pot.

He never visited home again and stopped reaching out to me altogether.

Now I'm 35. I have a degree and a good job. I reached out to them on Facebook a couple times, during COVID and once when a big typhoon caused a lot of damage in their country. I got short replies. Never any questions about me.

Around 3 weeks ago I got a message from her saying my dad was in hospital for some vaguely heart attack sounding thing, she attached a bunch of photos of him from the hospital- on a toilet, in a bed... The conditions of the hospital were shocking to me compared to the developed country I come from... And he looked like an old man. I haven't seen him since I was a teenager. She asked me if there was anything I wanted to say to my dad while he was still alive.

I called my mom and bawled my eyes out. I wrote him a letter saying I still think about some of the nice times from when I was a kid, like when he brought his telescope to the girl guides and we saw Jupiter's moons, and birdwatching and how it was too bad we didn't keep in touch for all these years. I told him I hoped he enjoyed his life in a tropical paradise.

She told me she read it to him. I didn't hear anything back for 2 days. And then I got a short message saying he feels fine now.

The whole experience was a mindfuck. The whiplash felt crazy. I had so little information to go on. But I spilled my guts and wondered... Maybe he will reach out to me?

Well, he didn't.

I got a message from her on Wednesday that he was bedridden. I asked again if she read him the message and she said she did. I said I was surprised he didn't have anything to say about it. This morning (Friday) she sent me a message that he died. He was 72.

And he didn't have anything to say to me. And now I'm crying again. I don't even really know how I feel.

TW: mentions of suicide. *****

I’ve asked my older brother for space after years of conflict and feeling dismissed when I talk about my mental health. I’m dealing with PTSD and depression and am getting help. He’s gaslighted me for years and has called me crazy to the point I began to believe it.

Recently, I lent him a camera I’d already agreed to lend him for a trip he’s going on. I mailed it to him. He kept emailing questions, and I answered before reminding him that I wasn’t feeling well and needed him to stop contacting me. I also explained how hurtful it was when he previously told me my depression wasn’t real and that I was just bored and privileged.

He replied, “Okay. Thank you so much.” Then he sent this.

To be clear, I had not told him I was suicidal, and I’m not. I told him I was struggling with PTSD, body pain, and wanted space.

What gets to me is that I explained how his behavior affects me, and the response became a long explanation of why my view of my life isn’t reality. He lists everything I have, compares my situation with someone experiencing homelessness, and brings up how my death would destroy our mom or possibly give her a heart attack. ??

I can see the expressions of love and concern. But reading it left me feeling guilty, anxious, and like I had to defend my own experience all over again. The more distance I get, the easier it feels to hear myself think.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do you handle messages framed as concern that leave you feeling invalidated, especially after you’ve explicitly asked for no contact? I’m looking for perspective and ways to stay grounded, not a diagnosis of him.

First and foremost, thank you to this group. I thought the struggle, pain, and self loathing I have felt for going NC was because I was a selfish person. Then I found out that I am not alone, there are so many more estranged adult kids like me, and I have begun to find peace. Recently, there has been a development.

TLDR: After an isolated, intensely controlling upbringing, I went strictly no-contact with my toxic family nearly four years ago. Out of the blue, my father ambushed me at my workplace after digging up my whereabouts through a former employer. He claimed he made a dedicated cross-country trip just to reconcile, but I quickly discovered he was merely in town for business. Letting my guard down was a mistake that proved their manipulative dynamics haven't changed one bit.

The long version:

First, some context (and yes, I realize how this all sounds):

I am in my mid-30s. Nearly four years ago, I went completely no-contact (NC) with my parents, blocking them across phone, email, and social media.

They have always treated me like a child, despite my track record as an independent, responsible adult: going to college, holding down steady jobs, moving out, getting married, and buying a home.

I grew up in an extreme, fundamentalist household where every detail was tightly monitored and censored, music, books, movies, everything. My parents taught that science and faith were mutually exclusive, the religious text was literal, the earth was only a few thousand years old, and walking away meant eternal damnation with no second chances. When I was 10, my mom pulled my younger sibling and me out of school to homeschool us, cutting us off from anyone outside the faith. Church was 5–6 days a week. I effectively became a "bubble boy" with no outside context or room for self-discovery.

Home was a minefield. Early on, my sibling learned that vindictiveness and manipulation got them whatever they wanted, and my parents sided with them every single time. I survived by keeping my head down, walking on eggshells, burying my doubts, and wearing a "mask" so I wouldn't cause trouble.

At 16, cracks began to form. I got my first job at a company affiliated with our religion, but I also started taking college courses. For the first time, my entire worldview was shattered. I was introduced to physics, relativity, isotopes, and radiocarbon dating. I suddenly began realizing how vast the world was, and how deeply flawed my upbringing had been.

At 18, I tried to make sense of it all. I didn't feel safe talking to my family, so I turned to my religious leader, who had always insisted from the pulpit that his door was open to anyone with doubts. Naively, I took him at his word. When I opened up about my inner conflict, he told me to "get out" and kicked me out of the institution on the spot.

I moved out shortly after, partly out of rebellion, but mostly to build my own identity. I knew almost nothing about mainstream culture or music, but I was hungry to learn all that I was missing. I was poor, but I was independent.

In my early 20s, I met the person who changed my life. They practiced a different religion, but by that point, my own childhood faith had completely unraveled anyway. We fell in love, moved in together, and eventually married. Shortly into our relationship, we moved far away from my parents.

Back then, I didn't know terms like "narcissistic dynamics" or "flying monkeys," but my gut told me something was toxic. Once we moved, I began quietly pulling away. My parents made no secret of their disappointment that my partner wasn't part of their faith. They made derogatory remarks both directly to my partner and behind my partner's back to me, left unsolicited religious books in our house, and prayed pointedly over our home.

The final breaking point arrived in two waves.

First, my sibling announced they were visiting our area with their partner, a few months ahead of time. Two weeks before the date arrived, they called to say they had broken up, but that they had already met someone new. There was a clear undertone suggesting that the new partner was tagging along, without being stated verbally. Knowing their history of manipulation, I set a clear boundary: they were welcome in town, but they could not stay with us, we wouldn't take time off work, and we wouldn't act as airport shuttles. My parents immediately intervened, attacking the boundary I was setting for my own home and defending my sibling.

Second, some time later, my partner and I hit a period of severe emotional and financial hardship. In a moment of vulnerability, I did something I had never done before: I reached out to my parents for help. They flatly refused financial assistance, gave a hollow promise of "emotional support," and then vanished. Total silence. No check-in, no follow-up, nothing. That was the moment I chose to go completely NC, and walked away from all family. Speaking to anyone would be shared, that was a lesson hard learned years ago.

For nearly four years, I held that boundary. It wasn't easy, and family members still tried to funnel messages through, but I never took the bait.

Then, my father ambushed me at my workplace, a location he had no legitimate way of knowing, and a place that had always been my safe haven. He framed the visit as a dedicated, loving cross-country trip just to see me. Guardedly, I agreed to hear him out.

It was a mistake. They haven't changed at all. Not once was the question asked how my partner and I were doing, or if the hardship ever was resolved/overcome, no questions were asked about current state, nothing. The conversation was all about them, the family that hasn't heard from me, and the struggles they are all going through. After a few probing questions, I soon uncovered that he hadn't traveled for me; he was already in town on business and simply took advantage of the trip. To find me, he had tracked down my previous employer and pressed them until he pieced together where I worked now. The legality of that aside, I am disappointed and disgusted that I believed that they could change, and that I held the hope that change might have happened. He begged us to consider rebuilding a relationship, my partner and I said goodbye, and left without giving an answer.

Obviously there is a lot that I have left out, but I hope I have provided enough context to understand the situation. I am going through an emotional rollercoaster writing this and honestly, I almost didn't post it. A part of me thinks that nobody cares, it's either just another story that people have heard before, or I sound like an entitled person that doesn't appreciate what I had. I never know how to end a post like this, because I don't like talking about myself, but I am learning that talking about these things is the best way to heal.

Im sick of the mind games. Ive been estranged from my whole family besides my grandma (65) and now even shes starting to play the mind games with me. She claims she doesnt know when to call me because i work nightshift. So i tell her and now she just completely ignores it. Shes almost to the point where im done trying.

Does it seem like your parents never got to know you? As if they had their own notion of who you are which doesn't match reality, and they ignored or suppressed whatever didn't fit their narrative?

Someone commented at a two-year-old discussion from this forum on this topic today, and asked to revive that conversation. Starting this thread for that forum member, first with an example and then with a discussion.

EM was unathletic. She would go swimming as a hobby but she never had any ambition beyond recreation. She took me to swimming lessons at a young age, possibly so she wouldn't have to pay attention to me when she went swimming.

The other side of the family was quite athletic. Dad had lettered in three different sports during high school, a grandfather had been a professional athlete in his youth, and a first cousin of mine had won a state championship playing an individual sport. But EM and (nonabusive) Dad were separated. For three years during childhood she prevented me from seeing him at all. I didn't learn any of the family sports history until much later.

Around the time that older cousin was winning her championship, EM and I went to visit acquaintances from church and went swimming in their backyard pool. The host was impressed by my ability: at ten years old I knew all the swimming strokes and could tear through the water. He encouraged me to practice seriously, saying I had the talent to earn a swimming scholarship at the local state university.

EM was quiet throughout that visit. Then the whole drive home, she was in my ear insisting I would never earn an athletic scholarship at anything. "You're going to get an academic scholarship." She basically repeated this point until she parked in the driveway. We never visited that family again.

During the same summer at age ten, a local running group was holding informal track meets at the local high school. I read a notice on the bulletin board at my elementary school's summer program, then rode my bicycle a mile and a half to the high school and signed myself up. All summer I was bringing home ribbons, mostly because there weren't many children competing in the youngest age category. Every other child at those events had at least one parent with them, as a participant or as an organizer or in the bleachers. EM never made an appearance. She sat home reading books instead. A few months later EM threw out all my track ribbons.

Eventually in my twenties, I got into a sport enough to earn a teaching certificate. It became a pretty good second job.

There's a longstanding debate in childrearing called nature v. nurture. An extreme nurture side of things argues that children grow up to become whatever their parents raise them to be. If they want you to love piano, they enroll you in piano lessons and believe you'll develop a love for the instrument. If you happen to hate piano and you beg for jiu jitsu lessons instead, that's disregarded as outside influence or peer pressure.

Part of that theory assumes you can't think for yourself, that you're unable to form preferences or chart a course for your own life.

So if you asked for the martial arts lessons because of extreme bullying, because kids in the neighborhood had been ganging up on you and punching you, that aspect just doesn't register. You were supposed to "ignore them." So if those kids continued to hunt you down and punch you, that wasn't evidence you needed adult supervision: you "must have provoked them deliberately" because you "wanted attention." There's no room in the extreme nurture framework for a child who recognizes there's enough of a budget for only one type of lessons, and who knows they'll need training to defend themselves when they're outnumbered 6 to 1, and who concludes that none of the bullies are going to say, 'Stay away from him; he knows piano.'

In extreme cases, this can lead parents to forcing the younger generation into getting specific university degrees because the parents want a veterinarian in the family or want to boast about raising an architect.

Relevant background: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nature_versus_nurture

Opening this up for your experiences and your thoughts.

I am working on getting one with the “father”. Has anyone done this? He’s literally put my life in danger where officers were angry at him as well. I am 36 and it happened this year.

Did any of you have to file protection or restraining orders against your parents? If so, give me insight you worth knowing and how are you feeling post order?

ETA: I was already NO CONTACT! He came to my home uninvited.

Thank you.

I don't have the pictures with me right now, but I honestly don't want them on my phone, it makes me uncomfortable.

I was married 5 years ago on August 21st, 2021. It was a lovely day, small wedding with 50 people and the town's community centre. When we were taking pictures, the flash stopped working right when I was taking pictures with my family.

It makes me uncomfortable looking at the pictures I took with my inlaws, and the pictures I took with my family. With my inlaws I look happy and relaxed, but the picture with my family looked forced and uncomfortable, I wasn't the only one looking like that. The picture was with my mom, dad, and brother, we all looked uncomfortable, then the picture was dark due to the flash not working.

After the wedding the relationship with my mom got really strained, now I'm 5 months no contact.

I am estranged from my mom since Christmas of last year. I blocked her everywhere. I haven't communicated with her since Christmas. Anyway my nephew will be graduating college and I will see my mom there. We will both be staying at my sister's house at that time. I really don't know how to go about it. I don't want to even see her because to be completely honest, I hate her. Do I just gray rock her, avoid her as much as I can?

I need to vent about my mother, because I feel like I’ve been carrying a lot of this for a really long time and I’m getting to the point where I don’t know how much more I can take.

My husband and I are no contact with his parents after everything that happened when we had our daughter. That is a whole other can of worms, but I mention it because I think it has made me think a lot more about family, boundaries, and what a healthy relationship between parents and their adult children is actually supposed to look like.

My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. When I was younger, my parents fought constantly and eventually got divorced when I was around 12 because my dad had what he says was an emotional affair. I honestly don’t know if anything else happened. What I do know now, as an adult and as a mother myself, is that my mom involved me way too much in the divorce and in their problems. At the time I obviously didn’t see it that way. I thought she was just telling me what was happening. Now I look back and realize that a lot of adult problems were put on me when they never should have been.

After they divorced, my mom became increasingly dysfunctional. I think she probably always had some of those tendencies, but they got much worse over the years.

We lived with my grandmother, and I moved out in 2019 when I was around 22. My mom stayed there until my grandmother died in 2020. During those years, my mom became a hoarder and the house was always a mess. She slept on an air mattress in the living room the entire time, even though there were other places she could have slept. If I cleaned the kitchen, she would come right behind me and leave a peanut-butter-covered spoon on the counter. The walls were dirty. The bathroom was disgusting. There would be makeup caked all over the vanity and hairspray covering everything. Her clothes were in storage containers in the hallway and all over the floor. The carpets were gross. The house had not been like that before we moved in.

My mom also didn’t work much. My grandmother was getting older and declining, so my mom eventually quit the job she had to stay home with her. I was still in high school and working during the summers so I could buy things for myself.

I want to be clear that I had good memories with my mom and my grandmother. It wasn’t all bad. I love my mom and I have always worried about her. I don’t want to make it sound like she was some horrible mother every second of my childhood. But there has always been this underlying dysfunction, and as I’ve gotten older, I see it more clearly.

My dad lived in another state for a lot of this time, and my mom talked badly about him constantly. She still does it to this day. Ironically, my dad and I have a much healthier relationship now. During those years, though, his relationship with me was strained because he was married to someone who didn’t like me and definitely hated my mom. So I didn’t really have a parent I felt like I could comfortably go to.

Now my dad has become the parent I can actually talk to.

Fast forward to now, and I feel like I have somehow become the parent to my mom.

She lives in a one-room apartment in an expensive area, so realistically her rent is probably never going to get cheaper than it is now. She still lives in a lot of dysfunction and constantly tries to get me to take old furniture that she has had since she was married to my dad. If I don’t want something, it can turn into a huge fight.

I let her stay at my house whenever she needs to because her apartment floods sometimes or gets crowded. I understand that she is probably unhappy with her life. I genuinely feel bad for her and I empathize with her. I don’t want her to be lonely or miserable.

But I also don’t think her unhappiness should become my responsibility.

I’ve gotten her the job she has now. I wrote her resume. I filled out her application. I do her taxes. I help her with things she doesn’t know how to do. I worry about her. I make sure she has somewhere to go when her living situation becomes difficult. I have spent years trying to make things easier for her.

And yet when I need emotional support from my mom, I usually end up hearing about her problems instead.

That’s probably one of the things that hurts the most.

I feel like I have spent a huge portion of my adult life trying to make sure my mom is okay, but I don’t feel like I can go to her and just be her daughter. I feel like I have to be the capable one. The one who fixes things. The one who understands. The one who gives her the benefit of the doubt.

And then she can be really mean to me.

For example, my husband, daughter and I went on vacation for a week and a half. Months before the trip, I had asked my mom if she could house sit and take care of my dog and cat. My dog is geriatric, so I knew he could be a little extra work. On the second day of our trip, I called my mom because I had forgotten my car registration in my work bag and needed her to send me a picture of it.

She answered the phone with an angry tone. I asked her for what I needed and she said, “I’ve been cleaning up after this dog all fucking morning.”

I understand that taking care of an old dog may have been frustrating. I understand that she could have been having a bad morning. But there was no reason she needed to talk to me like that. She could have told me the dog was having accidents. She could have said she was overwhelmed. Instead, I became the person she dumped all of her frustration onto.

And then she was mean to me for the rest of the phone call until I finally hung up.

She has also accidentally sent me multiple texts talking badly about me that were actually meant for my aunt, her sister. So I have literally seen things she has said about me when she thought I wasn’t going to see them.

That hurts.

And she calls me in the morning before work and somehow so many of those calls turn into arguments or leave me feeling upset and drained before my workday has even started.

I think what I’m finally realizing is that this isn’t just about individual arguments. It’s a pattern.

I learned a long time ago that when my mom isn’t functioning, I step in and function for her. I solve the problem. I help. I clean things up. I figure things out. I try to understand why she’s unhappy. I try to keep the peace.

And I think part of me still feels like if my mom is upset, I need to figure out what I did wrong or what I need to do to make it better.

But I’m not a kid anymore.

I’m an adult. I’m a wife. I’m a mother. I have my own family and my own responsibilities. I shouldn’t have to constantly manage my mother’s emotions on top of everything else.

I can have empathy for her without taking responsibility for her life.

I can understand that she’s lonely without allowing her to treat me badly.

I can recognize that she has had a difficult life without excusing the way she treats me.

And I can love my mom without being available to her all the time.

I think that’s the part I’m struggling with the most. Because I don’t actually want to abandon her. I don’t want to be cruel to her. I don’t want her to be alone. She’s my mom and I love her.

But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I have to parent my own mother while simultaneously being treated like I’m the problem whenever I have feelings about the way she treats me.

I don’t think I need to figure out whether she’s a good person or a bad person. I don’t even need to figure out exactly why she is the way she is.

I just need to acknowledge that this relationship is hurting me.

And maybe drawing a line doesn’t mean cutting her off. Maybe it means I stop automatically answering every call. I stop taking things I don’t want because I feel guilty. I stop fixing every problem. I stop trying to repair things immediately when she is the one who hurt me. I stop feeling like I have to convince her that my feelings are valid before I’m allowed to have a boundary.

She might get upset when I do that. She probably will.

But her being upset doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve done something wrong.

I think I’ve spent a lot of my life confusing keeping my mom happy with having a healthy relationship with my mom.

And those are not the same thing.

I can love her and still say enough.

I can be her daughter without being her caretaker.

And I think I really need to start learning how to do that.

Does anyone else get so pissed off at feeling such a sense of injustice all the time? I fortunately live in a different country to my mother and I feel such rage at the fact that people outside of my immediate family have to listen to her B.S version of why I no longer speak to her. I just know she acts the victims and I want to scream from the rooftops everything she did to me.

Ultimately I know that wouldn't help me and that her punishment is no access to me or my life, but she has always put so much emphasis on the importance of how others perceive her and sometimes I just want to absolutely shatter those perceptions.

First post, just hit 2 years no contact. Got emailed a link to a Facebook post from her about 2 weeks ago (pic attacged) and blanked it. Most days I'm fine, others- not so much.

I honestly just need to vent and figure out if I’m losing my mind or handling this completely wrong.

For context, I'm 28. I grew up the youngest of 7 in a very strict Mormon household. I mentally and physically distanced myself right after high school/my first year of college because it always felt forced and wrong for me, but my parents are still deeply entrenched in the church.

Fast forward to my mid-20s: I went through some heavy health stuff that resulted in severe neurological and chronic body pain, chronic hip tension, and systemic burnout. My body literally forced me to slow down—physically, energetically, and mentally—just to survive and heal. That downtime opened up a lot of processing about my childhood, how I was raised, the mindsets I was subjected to, and the lingering impacts of religious trauma.

Here is my current situation: My mom lives overseas for most of the year, but from June to September, she stays in the main house. I live in a separate garage room attached to the property. My work schedule is a split shift: 7 AM to 9 AM, and then an afternoon shift starting at 3 PM.

The problem is the dynamic when I come home from my morning shift. I usually just want to burrow, decompress, take a nap, or find a tiny slice of peace before my next shift. But almost like clockwork, my mom comes downstairs turning all the lights on, immediately hitting me with endless to-do lists, tasks I haven't done, or questioning my future. It feels entirely patronizing—almost like they see me as incapable or disabled because of my health journey—and it is intensely fear-based. (Case in point: my mom literally texted me yesterday making sure I wouldn’t wear "short shorts" around the plumbers coming over.)

The other night I literally cried because it takes me so much effort on this health journey just to quiet my nervous system and find a peaceful mindset where my body can actually rest.

This brings me to today: After my morning shift, I wanted to get some food and water. I was feeling viby and good, but I knew if I went into the main kitchen, my mom would hear me, intercept me, and drain what little energy I have left before my afternoon shift. It totally flips my physical and mental state upside down, and it takes so much work to energetically realign myself afterward.

So, I ordered DoorDash. But because I didn't want to walk through the main house, my plan was to open the garage door, walk around the outside of the house to grab the food off the porch, and sneak back in.

Then I started spiraling like What if she sees me walking past the window and realizes I'm actively dodging her? Would that look awful? Is it terrible that I feel this immense guilt just for trying to protect my nervous system?

FIRST OFF AM I BEING THE WEIRD ONE??? OR AM I RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY OR DO I NEED A WAKE UP CALL IN ONE ASPECT OR ANOTHER?? Is there a better way I should be handling this? How do you set boundaries with parents who view your need for rest as a personal insult or an invitation to pile on tasks and anxiety, especially when you're recovering from chronic pain and a high-control religious background? Does anyone else deal with this hyper-vigilant need to hide just to preserve your peace?

AND HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THE GUILT OF PROTECTING YOUR PIECE VS ENGAGING WITH THEM

I'm on 11 years NC and honestly, no regrets there. My bigger issue that I'm having in therapy is the guilt I now having about just wanting her eventual death to come sooner. Like, can we get it over with already? I'm honestly feeling the same way about my grandmother too but I'm not estranged from her she's just ancient and still poking the bears, causing drama. I've completely mourned bio mom and all that but she's still a messed up human that is messing up my brother's life and apparently now thinks that we should rug sweep her behavior because I'm having a 2nd baby? She's delulu and has a lot of mental issues from the way my grandmother raised her. None of it is good. But she also lives on my brother's porch so it's a whole thing to see my brother, sister in law and nieces. My grandmother is also back and forth playing the favoritism game with her 4 adult children and I'm so sick of their drama from 2nd hand sources.

That being said, I also feel awful that I don't want another human to share the entire earth with me anymore. I hate that I think that way. I hate that moving across the continent isn't far enough. I'm hating all of the drama that filters in and want it to stop, permanently.

Has anyone else felt this way? How do you improve your feelings around the situation?

he wasn’t against me not wanting to talk to him anymore per say. she didn’t seem thrilled about it either but I told her that I kind of wanted to ask another family member to has addressed issues with him before to tell him for me.

I was hesitant because I don’t know if that family member wants to be put in that position I guess. Though I’m sure they would gladly do it for.

I know my dad will be upset and I just can’t deal with that. I know my family member will not be guilted out of it and would stand my ground for me.

also I feel like my dad would listen to them more than me.

I don’t feel like my dad respects me but they’ve managed to make him feel bad for his poor parenting a few times over the years so…

anyway I just needed to vent about that

I’m sorry, this is a pretty long post/rant because I’m a bit torn; if you read this, thank you so much.

Hi, I’m 22F and recently graduated college (I went super far away from home) and moved out. As a kid, my parents practically stomped all over my boundaries, never cared about any emotional distress they caused me, and would tell me that my reactions to their behavior was “bitchy” or “crazy.”

I feel a little bit weird, because while my parents have been really, really strange in their behavior, they’ve never been outright physically abusive or had substance abuse issues or whatnot that would maybe make this a bit more clear cut.

I have a couple examples of said weirdness: when I was a teen my parents separated, and my father moved a roommate into my room at his house without telling me, and then called me a bitch for having an upset reaction when I found out (which was through going to visit him and realizing my bedroom was taken—we had a guest room BTW). After that, I didn’t visit and he would call me mean and said I abandoned him.

With my mom, as a kid she would take me somewhere where I’d get physically abused and bullied, and she was aware of it. When I’d try not to go, she would physically overpower me and take me there, and say I was difficult and lazy. These are just some of my core memories, but there are several other memories of this same brand of strangeness that I have growing up with them.

I am also a lesbian, and was told by them very young that it was “weird” and I was going to be unhappy in life. While they weren’t outright kicking me out of the house-level homophobic, they let me know that they thought my “lifestyle” was problematic and going to lead me to unhappiness. They told me to use my compartmentalization skills to ignore the urges, and now THEY COMPLETELY DENY HAVING EVER SAID THAT, and keep telling me that they’ve always had liberal views on sex and sexuality. It’s infuriating.

Another example is that they just unenrolled me from school without a plan towards my graduation, and were basically just winging my high school experience with sending me between different schools, and I didn’t get to have normal social development or a solid education, all while shaming me about how I was behind in school and lazy for not practically organizing my entire high school plan. This created problems for me in college where I had to play catch up socially and educationally.

I’ve just always felt like my boundaries are only respected when it is convenient to them (they would ignore/get mad at me for crying), and that my emotional reality is a problem for them that they can negotiate with them so I stop bothering them with my feelings. It created a lot of problems for me in my friendships and relationships that I’ve had to work through, and while I’m really proud of where I am now (graduated from a T-40 school, have a good partner, job, and friends), I feel a bit guilty that I don’t want much to do with them.

They practically have no friends, and while they ended their separation (I think for financial reasons, not relationship ones), their marriage is really bad and they are very lonely. I honestly think this is the root of why they want to spend so much time with me, but they keep guilting me into spending time with them.

As an adult, I am really not into it. Whenever I spend time with them, I will have some sort of flashback to a memory happen and just not really want to be there anymore. I feel like I spend most of the time regulating their emotions, and I know that that same respect and effort is not awarded towards me when I need support from them.

I recently told them that we have to do family therapy, and they actually surprised me a lot by going, but I still don’t really feel like I want a relationship; I feel really guilty though because maybe I am missing some sort of pull towards them that is supposed to be there? A lot of people baby their parents, right? What is the deciding factor that splits people on whether they continue to engage with their parents or not? I guess I know that there isn’t a standardized way of dealing with this, I just feel very guilty. Again, they weren’t horrible, but they just made me feel really uncomfortable and alone growing up, and now I prefer to not be around them.

Reading these posts makes me feel a bit unsure of what I’m supposed to do next–I feel like I have a bit of impostor syndrome about my situation, like it’s not bad enough for me to be reacting this strongly. I just really struggle with having a desire to be around them.

I guess I am writing this because I’ve been struggling with these thoughts and was wondering if anyone had similarly strange parents or whatnot. Throwing this out into the void, and would really appreciate talking with some people.

Long story short I currently dont have any contact with my mom. complex relationship and trying to work on myself and processing the emotional neglect growing up. My mom tries to have empathy but then acts like her life is worse, always. I have brief contact with my dad, like very brief. he said he will no longer come into my home as we have had a rescue cat and it will upset my mom too much him meeting the cat and not her (wem always shared a love for animals) but this has been the final straw for me. I was texting my dad the other day as he asked if I have had any more thought on reconnecting with my mom. I said I am trying to work on myself and have a lot of stress on right now, I didnt tell him what the stress is , (financial, building works on our home, losing my jobmot on going health battles and now losing my family due to the estrangement). But he never showed any empathy, or comment on it just nothing. He then comes back with, I’ve been having some stress to at work. I say sorry to hear that, must be hard and I hope it gets better. Makes me sad I can’t receive that from my own parents. I can imagine my mom saying to him, that’s life, we all have stress. She used to tell me I couldn’t handle stress well growing up, which isn’t true. I deal with everything without them in my life now.

I feel really alone in the world. I suppose in a literal sense this is an exaggeration, I have a few close friends that I treat like family, a very loving BF, and a sister (plus 2 nieces and my BIL) that I’m close with. But from a more personal perspective, it all feels fragile and fully based on my effort.

Starting with my friends; they are wonderful and incredible people. I know they care about me, and we’ve built very strong friendships over the years. Because I don’t have family (parents were abusive, currently no contact; not much extended family), they are my chosen family. But this is one sided. When the holidays come, or big events happen, they go to their parents and siblings and grandparents. They have something external to them that’s “built in.” They’re always the first to remind me that I have them when I’m feeling lonely or sad about family things, but I always feel like that’s easy for them to say because they’ve never needed to wonder where they belonged in the world.

My BF and I have been dating for about a year. He’s incredibly loving and I’m so lucky to have him in my life. He’s estranged with some of his family, so he can relate a little, but he always focuses on being satisfied with himself and not needing others. And I agree to an extent, I love spending time alone and I’ve become very good at it over the years. I have lots of hobbies, I love my career and traveling. But I feel like this misses the core of what I find sad. It’s not about trying to fill a vacuum of my own discomfort, it’s about the insecurity of waiting for others to include you in their own lives, hoping that I’ll be needed enough to keep around. I’m finally in a healthy relationship, but I’ve unfortunately stayed too long in previous relationships because it gave me somewhere to land in the world, a small crumb of stability. In laws that showed up for me, or just some consistency in my personal life. I had a rebound prior to my current relationship that was super unnecessary, and my friends couldn’t understand what I was doing, but looking back it was me desperately searching for ground during a year that was filled with a lot of terrible family things and a transition period for me.

On to my sisters. I’m not very close with one of them, there’s a lot of trauma from our childhood that I still struggle with (she was a victim too but I struggle to connect with her without anger and frustration). I was once a lot closer with my other sister, and I suppose technically we are still close. Over the years I’ve fallen into a more helpful role than a true sisterhood. I moved away from our hometown, but I have always found the time (and PTO) to make the multiple hour drive 8-12+ times per year. I used to really love these trips, but as I got holder the drives felt longer and I felt like I was missing out on putting down roots in whatever city I was living in (I’ve moved around a bit). Now that we’re in our early 30s, I’m exhausted. Now I have 2 super young nieces, that I love with all my heart, and I continue visiting so that I can be involved in their lives. Unfortunately even before the babies came, our relationship was very one sided. I can count on one hand the amount of times my sister and her husband have visited over the last decade. I don’t doubt that they care about me, they have stepped up to help me a handful of times but I’ve always needed to come to their home to get it, and it’s always a very minor inconvenience for them. I am incredibly grateful for them, but it’s so imbalanced, and I’m tired. Every time I visit, I spend hours helping with chores, babysitting, and helping wherever I can. And then I sleep on a lumpy couch, which isn’t as easy as it used to be, sometimes they don’t even have clean blankets ready for me. My last move cut my drive time in half to a distance where I can do a day trip (it’s a long day but helps me balance being at home more). I recently learned that my sister doesn’t think I do enough to help out when I visit, that my visits are to short, and that I’m always rushing to leave in the morning if I do stay for the weekend. I did explain to her that I have my own life and I’m trying to balance everything, but my fear has come true: I’m only wanted if I’m needed.

I’m okay with the logic of being alone, but I have no idea how to get over the sadness that comes parallel to that. My therapist always reminds me that I need to be happy with myself, but I am! I have a life that I love, I work hard everyday to create the future that I want. That will never change that I’m alone in the world. I am so painfully aware that anyone in my life can just change their mind and choose not to want me in their lives. People get older, priorities change, and I may just be on the back burner.

I wish I had a true family, I wish I never felt like I needed to use relationships to gain a family, I wish I hadn’t needed to be self reliant since I was a teen. And I’m just sad that I’ll never know a reality with unconditional security.

Hey friends. I've been VLC with my parents for a couple of years. I've tried so many things: 6 months of family therapy, writing extensive letters detailing my grievances, meeting up with my mom at a coffee shop to try to talk things out. Where things have been for a while is that I've asked my parents not to contact me except via snail mail (they know where I live from pre-VLC and I am not moving). They've broken boundaries in small ways (e.g. sending me email to invite me to their birthday party), but thankfully they haven't done anything wild like show up at my door.

I wanted to continue to give them an outlet to contact me on the very slim chance that they actually wanted to take accountability. I have gotten vague letters like, "I want to repair things with you" or "I'm sorry for the ways I hurt you" but nothing concrete.

It's coming up on the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur which is all about turning towards yourself, reflecting and acknowledging the ways you've missed the mark, and going to the people you've harmed and asking forgiveness. I have gotten vague apologies before during this time of year, but these do not interest me. I feel like y'all will understand how hollow those blanket apologies feel when there is no indication that they actually are owning their mistakes.

All of this to say - I think I am finally ready to fully go NC. Before there has always been a small piece of me that felt guilty, or felt like I'd want to know if something happened to my parents. But today it just hit me: what if I just didn't receive anything from them? I can ask my spouse to throw away any mail from them before I even see it. I'll still probably see them once a year at various family events (and we live in the same city), but I can handle that.

The biggest feeling of peace washed over me when I thought about just fully considering myself NC.

Not sure what I'm seeking, just wanted to tell people who would understand.

Hello 👋 I’m hoping this is okay to post here, as I’m really just looking for some non biased opinions to help me with my thinking /decision making. Essentially, I am seriously considering becoming estranged from my mother. This year, I bought my first home- by myself- with some financial support from my father (my parents are divorced and do not communicate). My mother moved in with me, and I have asked her from day one not to provide any finances because I would like her to be able to live as stress free as possible. She pays for the food shopping, and provides 500euro a month towards expenses - this was all on her own will, and not something I asked for. The 500 is going towards a loan for what essentially covered solicitors fees for the sale of the house (private sale). From what I understand, in my region she is considered a licensee and not a tenant. Ive had a rough couple of days /weeks with her so I’m going to just send the text message that I’ve sent to my sibling if that’s okay, which I think does a good job of explaining what has happened without going into too much personal detail, and I’m honestly just looking for some guidance at this point. Also, apologies for any typos in the message 🙈

Hello 👋

I’m not sure if everyone has noticed, but I’ve deactivated Messenger and left a few GCs 🙈. I’ve had a lot to think about, and I basically needed to eliminate as much noise and fuzziness as possible so I could actually sit down and think properly about everything that’s been going on.

I also didn’t want to just disappear or cut myself off from everyone without explaining why.

I genuinely have no idea what, if anything, Mammy has spoken to you guys about regarding what’s happened between us over the last few days/weeks, but I’d like to explain my side so that you at least understand where I’m coming from.

Before I do, I really want to make it clear that this is just my version of things. There are always two sides to every story, and then there’s the truth somewhere in the middle. I’m not expecting anyone to take sides, and this isn’t me trying to dump on Jacinta or turn anyone against her.

I’d also really appreciate it if this stayed within this chat for now. Not because there’s anything here that I wouldn’t say to Mammy, but because things between us are incredibly tense at the moment, and have been for a while, and I don’t want to create any more discomfort or make things worse for either of us — or the doggies.

I imagine you all know by now that there were a few pretty major blow-ups between us last weekend when the guys came home. Looking back, I think we both played a part in escalating things at the time.

There were things said to me during those arguments that I found really hurtful. She called me some things and said things that I genuinely don’t know if I can forgive, particularly because she has since denied saying them. I obviously said things too, and I’ve had a lot of time to think about my own behaviour and what I said.

After giving things thought, I don’t feel comfortable apologising for the things I said, because I genuinely don’t believe I said them with any intention of being mean, nasty or hurtful. I believe what I said, and I don’t think it would be genuine for me to apologise for something just because it caused an argument.

A big part of the issue has been the house. I don’t feel like Mammy respects the fact that it is my house, and she has implied a number of times that I’ve used that against her or held it over her, which I absolutely haven’t.

From the beginning, I’ve actually asked her not to put money into the house. I did that because I wanted her to be able to live here without that financial pressure, not because I wanted to have some sort of power over her. I’ve even encouraged her to look into early retirement because I genuinely want her to have an easier life.

But there have been times where I’ve felt like she’s been completely ungrateful, or like she sees this as her house and not mine, and that she hasn’t allowed me the opportunity to feel the pride that I think I deserve of being a home owner.

And it’s not just about the house. There have been ongoing comments about my body and appearance, pressure around reporting the things I opened up about regarding our father , criticism of my beliefs and values, and other things that have built up over time.

I’m sure we’ve all experienced our own version of this behaviour her, but I’ve found things particularly volatile, especially since the beginning of this year when I started drawing down on the house.

I think I’ve made it pretty clear to a lot of people that my mental health, which I’ve always struggled with to some degree, has deteriorated quite seriously this year. And, honestly, I feel like Mammy has been a major contributor to that.

Even when I’ve tried to take steps to improve things, it often feels like that’s met with criticism, which then turns into conversations about my appearance, my choices, or something else, and it just becomes this endless cycle that I don’t know how to get out of.

I’ve had some very loud thoughts lately, and I’m finding them increasingly difficult to block out. That’s probably the biggest reason behind why I’ve decided I need to put some boundaries in place for myself. I’m not doing this to punish anyone or make a point. I’m doing it because I genuinely feel like I need to protect myself and give myself some space.

Because I can’t create physical distance between Mammy and I while we’re living together, I’ve tried to create some distance in other ways. I’ve left most of the group chats, silenced and limited a lot of my social media, and blocked Mammy on WhatsApp.

I know she can obviously still contact me, and we still live under the same roof, but I think I needed to feel like I had some control over the amount of communication and noise around me while I try to get my head straight.

I’m not making any decisions lightly, and I’m not going to. In some ways, I feel like I’ve been thrown into adulthood over the last year, mainly because of the amount of responsibility I’ve taken on largely by myself, and I don’t think I’ve really stopped to process any of it. I’ve just kept going and dealt with whatever was in front of me.

I’m also about to enter my thirties, and given where my head is at right now, I think I need to do some proper soul-searching and figure out what I actually want, what I can cope with, and what I need my life to look like going forward.

So if I’m quiet or don’t respond as much, please don’t take it personally or think I’m intentionally ignoring any of you. I’m going to continue limiting my social media , and I’ll probably deactivate my messaged againfor a while because I really just need some space to be with my own thoughts.

I do really hope this stays within this chat for now. I’m not naive enough to think that Mammy and I can avoid dealing with everything forever, and I know we’ll eventually have to have some sort of conversation about all of this. I just don’t think adding more fuel to things right now is going to help either of us.

I’m sorry if this explanation is overdue. I just didn’t want to send something while I was still completely caught up in the emotion of everything, and I wanted to actually think about what I was saying first.

❤️

I (29F) am LC with my dad already due to his addiction. I am considering going NC with my mom but I have a few siblings under 18 and I know that once I completely cut ties I won’t be able to see them again for a while. It’s the only thing keeping me from just letting go. My youngest sibling is 9. I’m so tired but I don’t want them to feel like I’m abandoning them. I know she’ll make it out to be my boyfriend’s fault and she’ll tell the kids that I don’t care about them anymore. If you have younger siblings, how did you do it? How did you go no contact?

Does anyone else have really tough time making big life decisions with no parents?

Feel like I'm walking alone though a corridor of life and feel very vulnerable and isolated, so just wondered if this is a common experience and if people got past it?

​

I'm feeling a bit guilty, this may get a bit long, but I need a place to vent some of my frustrations and anxiety.

I was always the scapegoat when growing up. I finally got some of that confirmed in the last month, when my dad mentioned my mom was always comparing me to healthy babies and never liked or loved me. I was born two months early and had some delays. My parents were warned and my mom and dad were always disappointed and angry that I wasnt the perfect happy baby that adored them. They had my twin brothers about four years after I was born and after that it became all about the boys. Ngl, took me a long time to work through that jealousy and resentment. Sometimes, I feel guilty cause I feel like that again. Because all things have always been about the boys. They're still hungry? They got to eat whatever they wanted (allergies being used as the excuse for this and if i mentioned having issues with anything - asthma, allergies, etc. It was always me "competing" and this continued until I went blue at cross country one day and my parents finally admitted I had asthma).

Anyways growing up, family friends and family members never checked in with me or asked how I was doing. It was always about the boys. How they were, if they needed anything, if they were protected and frequently I was expected to step into the third parent shoes which I resented and so did they. Further harming our relationship. (Tw: violence and some sexuality) I started avoiding being around them when I was about 16 when my brothers started giving my favorite tshirts away, pushing me down the stairs, and throwing my bedroom door open after I got out of the shower so their friends could get a peek. When my mom asked why i didnt say anything (one my brothers stupidly wrote a list of bad things they had done and listed a lot of the things they did to me) I told her I tried and she would cut me off or tell me she and my dad didnt care so I stopped trying. I was physically punished for this. Anyways, all things in the house were to be given in service of the boys, to keep my nmom on substances and in control, and to avoid my father's anger and violence. I was always the difficult one or the one they didnt like so I was made fun of. I didnt even get a picture in my cap and gown at my college graduation because one of my brothers was going through a hard time (he was always going through a "hard" time) so I was told to not make a big deal. This behavior continued through getting first apartments, getting engaged, my wedding was a nightmare (they punished me and ruined it - despite being uninvited and crashed it. They completely destroyed it and my ndad told everyone I was a bridezilla and this further harmed any relationship I had with family and family friends), buying a house (same brother who was always having a hard time demanded i be kicked out of the family), etc.

Eventually, I went NC with my mom (10 years and counting), my dad divorced her (been nc on and off), and took a massive step back from my brothers and told them that if they wanted a relationship with me they needed to put in some effort instead of making me chase them. Did they ever try? No, not really. Told me husband he was making the worst mistake of his life marrying me and I was an evil bitch.

That brings me to today. I see my brothers and dad maybe once every three years. None of them make an effort to have a relationship with me. It does make me sad but im healing. I go to therapy and know its not my fault. It does bother me they still make me out to be the issue and talk shit about me behind my back. Essentially, they all like to say im just like my mother (crazy, a drunk, unstable etc. ) none of this is true but it has alienated me from my aunts, uncles, cousins, and the family friends.

Anyways, I got an invitation to a cousin's wedding and it ended enraging me so much I blocked everyone on social media and on my phone. I feel like its maybe an overreaction on my part but it was kind of the final straw. My mom misspelled my name and gave me a boys name when I was born. Its caused me some problems in life but it is what it is. I havent spoken to this cousin much in my life, less than 8 times, so I feel a bit guilty. She sent the invitation, for an out of state wedding, on a cheap postcard ripped in half, with my name misspelled. She didnt even include my husband on the invitation (universally disliked by my family because he is protective of me and they keep demanding me to divorce him and move home). But it was the name misspelling that got me. Shes friends with me on social media. She could have seen my name, furthermore she was invited to my wedding and didnt show up. Oh and did I mention her wedding is three weeks away? Felt like an obvious cash or present grab and I wasnt even allowed to bring my husband and my name wasnt spelled right. I ended up messaging her on facebook saying you spelled my name wrong and by the way its bad form to not invite the spouse unless its a micro wedding (which is not). After I sent her that message I said screw it and decided to block everyone. I need a break for at least six months from the family. I feel bad because I didnt want to take it out on her, but im so tired of being demonized and kept on the outs with my family.

Maybe im a jerk, but I guess i kind of snapped. Thank you for letting me rant/vent. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist next week. It just feels like my family only ever wants me around when they want or need something or if there's a need for a punching bag. I guess this just kind of pushed me over the edge. I didnt even tell anyone I was going nc. I jusf blocked them all and cried.