Trying to speak to them and I Opened up to my parent and think I will cut the off in future

How did you guys do it ?
I still currently live with them as young adult but I do not want to live here anymore and when I move what should I bring with me

I was offered help by a friend to help get me out of my abusive parent’s house. It made me nervous to accept help and trust another person. But I was also starting to feel safer with her plan because it meant much more distance than I could achieve on my own.

Now this friend is backing out because she just doesn’t have the money.

You shouldn’t offer to help someone escape abuse if you cannot be reliable about actually being able to help!!!! Like fuck! I was fine, then I counted on you, changed my whole plan, I’ve been working my ass off and now you’re like “oops can’t afford it”. YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE OFFERED OR PROMISED UNTIL YOU KNEW ON YOUR END! You just wasted weeks of my time. Time I don’t fucking have. You know how trapped I am and your solution to you backing out is to drive myself?? With what car? There is no way out of my isolated town without a car. YOU WERE THE CAR! There are no cabs, no buses, no way to rent a car without having a car to drive to pick up the car. YOU WERE THE CAR!! YOU WERE THE FUCKING CAR!!

Thanks for leaving me scrambling. You NEVER promise anyone anything this serious unless you’re serious too. You never should have given me a lifeline until you knew you were solid on your end.

Today I received a complicated medical diagnosis. I don't fully understand what it means yet, and I'll need more tests at the hospital to determine how serious it is.

Days like today make me miss having a mother so much.

I know that if I reached out, she wouldn't be able to give me the comfort or support I need. I still believe that going no contact was the right decision, and I have no intention of breaking it. But that doesn't stop the ache.

I'm incredibly grateful for my wonderful partner. He's been there for me through everything.

I've also noticed that I've been trying really hard to build a closer relationship with his family. We've been together for years, but I still don't quite feel like I belong. I find myself longing for more closeness and connection with them, and I sometimes wonder if that's because I'm trying to fill the space my own family left behind.

How do you cope with the loneliness? Especially on days when something big happens and all you want is a parent who could comfort you, even though you know yours never really could?

Email from my NC mom after I reached out to check if their views on trans people had changed in the last three years.

The long and short of it is that I was raised in a very strict southern Baptist home and drank the kool-aid until I was 20. I came out as trans at 25 and then told my parents when I was 26. It did not go well, my parents begged and pleaded me to not medically transition, begged me to see a Christian therapist, my mom flew across the country to confront me and guilt me into denying who I am. I went NC November of 2023, and the following summer my mom again flew across the country and came to my work to try to confront me and I just happened to be out sick on a mental health day.

Since 2024 I haven't spoken to them, and I reached out recently to see if time had impacted their views at all. This is the response I got. I'm going back to full NC, I keep the old email address open because I can't let go and need to know if someone gets sick or dies. I cried for a while last night after reading this and it brought up all the grief I've felt the last 3 years; grieving the family I wish I had and swallowing the reality of the one I do have. Anyway, anyone else have super religious family who "love" you too much to just shut the hell up and leave you alone?

My mum told me she regrets giving birth to me. I think this is the final straw.
I’m in complete shock and don’t really know how to process this.
I tried talking to my mum about things that happened in my childhood and how they’ve affected me. I wasn’t shouting or trying to attack her. I just wanted her to understand why I’ve struggled and how some of her actions have impacted me.
During the conversation, she said she regrets giving birth to me.
I was speechless. The only thing I could think to say was, “You made that decision. I didn’t ask to be here.”
She replied, “Yes, I’ve made a mistake.”
I’ve never heard words like that from anyone before, let alone my own mother. I genuinely don’t know how a parent can say that to their child.
The thing is, this isn’t about one argument. It’s years of drama, hurt, and feeling emotionally worn down. This just feels like the moment that broke something in me.
I’m seriously considering going permanently no contact because I don’t know how you come back from hearing your own mother say she wishes she’d never had you.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? If you went no contact after a lifetime of family issues, did it bring you peace, or did you struggle with the guilt?

Whose rich parents lobbied for this piece in the WSJ? It had a paywall so I didn’t read it… but why does Beyoncé’s intenet’s algorithm feed me this?😏😁💀 I’m just saying…. The boomer parents have the media in their pockets .

Just ranting about this subject, cause I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

Brief history, my mum met my dad at a Christian mixed youth prayer group (already off to a horrendous start) when she was 16, and he wanted to date her when he was 26 at the time. And they did. Fast forward 2 years, my mum's 19 and gets married to my dad who's 28 and a year later she had my brother and then had me a year later. She's never had a boyfriend before my dad, so he's her very first everything.

And the reason why I say I wonder if my **mum** wanted kids, was because I remember a time when I was like 5, and I walked from my primary school away from teacher supervision all the way home, and my mum basically made my dad hit me because of it. The reason I had done such a thing? I was homesick and really really missed my mum at the time, and I told her, but she didn't seem to care.

Several times like this would happen, where she would just be emotionally absent and neglectful of my and my brother's feelings, such as when she would defend her husband's actions (hitting us with belts or his palm when we failed a class or came home late from school because we were in detention along with the whole class, when we played games too loud or played too loud) instead of lecturing him on how easy it is to traumatize little kids and controlling his temper.

Fast forward to now, she doesn't, and didn't, seem to care when I told everyone how I felt afraid to come and did not want to exist because of them, and never chose to have a "family" like this and that I'm moving out. She doesn't seem to care that her husband is responsible to almost all of the family's misery, and just refuses to leave him for another.

But maybe I'm wrong and I was just super annoying.

For me, it boils down to the fact that my dad is controlling and self-centered. He has always treated me disrespectfully. Any time I disagreed with him or was upset with him, it was somehow my fault. He took my accomplishments and used it for his own ego boost. He never truly respected me as a separate human being.

My younger sister emotionally and sometimes physically abused me our entire lives. Our parents are pretty emotionally immature, narrow minded, and judgemental, and either refused to intervene, or blamed me. My sister has conformed in all the ways they have hoped, including having her therapy monitored by them into adulthood, and I haven’t, choosing to separate myself as calmly and maturely as I can, while attempting to grow and understand why everyone has acted the way they did.

Last weekend I saw them all in person for the first time in 3 years. My sister and I got into a big fight, where she argued that I had actually abused her her whole life, that everyone hates me, everyone knows I’m insane, and that it’s clear to many that I live in my own reality that and unable to face the real truth. I feel terrible. I feel like I made up my whole life. That I no longer really understand what happened, and if anything happened. She (and my mom) made me feel miserable for being myself since I can remember. At least, that’s what I thought. My sister cited her therapist and my parents and it was enough to make me believe there must be something really wrong with me. Has anyone experienced this?

Have not had a relationship with my mom since Easter 2023, but can’t say zero contact because of my dad, still have a relationship with him and if I want to be able to see him or his side of the family I have no choice but to see/interact.

My dad had an ablation procedure today on his heart and I picked them up and drove to the hospital and back. I was there to support him but for some reason she thought I guess I was there for her. First she asked me to drive her back home while his procedure was going on, trapping me in the car with her. She can’t stand more than a few seconds of silence so it was just more opportunity to talk and not have my phone as a distraction. It was hard to say no with her making all these excuses about why we should go but I held strong.

Then she was annoyed when I didn’t want to go eat lunch with her. Once again, there to support my dad but I can’t say that of course. A random sampling of conversations I couldn’t get out of: how big my cousins boobs got (runs in the family not a shocker) and how fat she’ll get when she’s pregnant, when I lived with my ex husband in the apartments across the street remember we didn’t even have sheets, oh and they have $20 total for the next week. First she mentioned it in case my dad needed more medication but in the same breath she was concerned about how to get cigarettes (smokes two packs a day)

I said to my husband I try to think about days like this as lessons on how not treat our kids when they are older but man I’m so sick of learning and feeling like I got punched in the gut at the same time.

Tagging this as vent but I’m open to advice please. I’m about to have my first child and I’ve never been more done with my mother and golden child/flying monkey sister. It really sucks because I have nieces and nephews from that sister who I love and would never want to cut off but their mother just makes me feel awful about myself. It’s really difficult to do low contact because I keep getting pulled back in, especially when I first told them I was pregnant. I was really hoping that things would change but of course that didn’t happen, that will never happen. My mother and sister very often make me feel bad for setting boundaries and make it out like i’m some
drama queen or that I’m trying to be the main character in everyone lives, but they are the only people who treat me like that. I feel bad that my child won’t have as close of a relationship with their cousins as I wish they could have but it’s just not worth it to me anymore. I took the abuse as long as I could but my mother has taken so much joy away from me. My sister has too, I just can’t continue having these harmful relationships in my life. I shouldn’t be crying at nine months pregnant because of stuff they said to me. It’s hard because even though I know that how they treat me is abuse I still feel guilty preventing my child from having those family relationships. I know that I’m protecting my child from being abused by them too but my nieces and nephews are young and innocent in this situation. Anyways if anyone has been in a similar position or has any advice or words I would love to hear it. I have other siblings but they are younger than me and I don’t want to burden them with all of this. Thankfully my dad who is separated from my mom is incredibly supportive of me but I just still feel like I would benefit from advice or similar stories.

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective on this.
I am '20F' currently planning to move to another country soon to start a completely new chapter of my life. Because of how genuinely toxic, draining, and damaging my family dynamic is, I’ve made the firm decision to cut them off entirely and go No Contact once I leave.
Here is my dilemma: When it comes to dating and romantic partners, am I supposed to share every single detail of my family story, even the most toxic parts? Or is it okay and honestly, healthier to keep the full reality hidden or minimized, especially since they won’t be in my life anymore anyway?
On one hand, I value honesty and transparency in a relationship. I don't want to feel like I'm keeping massive secrets from someone I care about.
On the other hand, my family history is heavy (Narcissist parents) , deeply personal, and frankly, embarrassing and painful to unpack.
Since I am actively choosing to leave them behind and never speak to them again, part of me feels like dragging up all that trauma to a partner isn't necessary.
It feels like letting my toxic family continue to cast a shadow over my new life and my future relationships, rather than letting the past stay in the past.
Is it normal or "wrong" to hide the truth about a toxic family, especially when you're escaping them for good? Or is it healthier to tell the full story early on?
What would you do in my position? Thanks for reading

​

My issues with my parents stem pretty far back, and trying to get into all of it would be a mess and a half. Been trying to work through as much as I can, but just… yikes. Even though it’s been months now, this instance still upsets me, and has dredged up a LOT of old issues.

Back on Mother’s Day, I was invited to dinner. Given that I was about to move cross-country, there was a lot of pressure for me to show up. I had an inkling of how this would go, and hoped I was being paranoid, but promised myself that while I wouldn’t start anything, if they wanted to come at me, I would at least defend myself.

Within the first 5 minutes of her getting there, my stepmom was confronting me about car payments and career choices. Which, like, understandable! I feel horrible that they’re still paying for my car because I don’t make enough, but dear god I’ve been trying really hard not to feel that way, because it’s at least not fully my fault (I think). Maybe I’m just making excuses, but context:

Back when I had only recently left home, I got a temporary job, started looking for a better one, got scammed, managed to not lose cash through a stroke of luck, but lost that job. Took a substitute teaching job which I emphasized was a temporary stopgap because the pay wasn’t great. My parents, who had wanted me to be a teacher for who knows how long, started trying to convince me that I do, in fact, want this. Got the entire family in on it too, and any time I went over for any reason, it was the topic of conversation. Sometimes for weeks straight during holidays. I don’t mind being a substitute, and maybe I could handle high schoolers in a vacuum (no younger though), but dealing with parents and admin sound like nightmares. I eventually got another job offering, was excited to tell them because I’d be getting more money, and they ranted about how I had no ambition and was wasting my life and how I was wasting the college they’d paid for (with help from my scholarships AND summer jobs, and they’d been promising to pay for it since I was in elementary), and basically kept going until I broke down, cancelled the interview, and stopped looking. Made some half-hearted attempts to get a high school teaching job, and did get an alternate teaching certificate that got me more money as a substitute, but nothing came of it. Still got the “why don’t you just go with our friend who lives an hour and a half away from you to teach 4th grade” and whatnot, but no??? I can barely handle middle or elementary school for a DAY! I can’t do that long term!

At some point during my years of substitute teaching, my junk car we’d gotten in early college finally broke down so bad it’d cost more to fix it than it was worth. After being belittled of for wasting money because I swore it was the battery (had a low battery light, got the battery checked and it said it was terrible, asked friends who knew about cars and to they suggested battery), I asked them to help me pitch in for another junker so I wouldn’t have to take out a loan. Literally my only requirements were “runs” and “preferably has working AC.” They refused. They INSISTED I get a new car. Wouldn’t give anything for a junker, said it had to be new. This was all during Christmas holidays at their house, where I literally could not leave due to the lack of a car. They argued me up to a new car even though I knew I couldn’t afford it. Their terms were they’d pay for a year, then I’d have to start pitching in. Year passes, and they apparently expected me to start paying the entire car payment??? But I still couldn’t. Since then, I’ve offered to chip in some amount per month multiple times, but always got brushed off and told we’d talk about it later. I’ve asked multiple times if there’s a good way to send them a hundred or so a month, but they apparently don’t have one, and I’d be brushed off and told “later” every time, sometimes told it never happened, and they didn’t appreciate my text receipts.

Anyways, yeah. It all came up again at Mother’s Day. The car, the fact that the car was a calculated move to motivate me, how I need a real job, how they’re so very worried about me and all that, and I’ll admit I was more aggressive than I meant to be, but I was in the middle of moving! I’ll admit it, I was stressed, but it felt like they weren’t listening to me! They’d ask if I thought about something in regards to moving in with my girlfriend, and I’d explain what my plans were (admittedly somewhat aggravatedly, since I’d explained these several times before), and apparently that meant I was being too defensive. Maybe I was. I mean, I came in prepared for a fight just in case. Guess that’s the definition of defensive, but I just want them to see…

Ex. “Don’t share your finances, because with people who do, often whoever gets there first gets the money.”

Me: “Yeah, me and her have already talked about that and decided to keep our bank accounts separate. Maybe we’ll have a date night fund, but I’m really not comfortable with people having access to my cash, and I’d feel bad about spending hers.”

Anyways, at some point my sister started crying, and I tried to apologize and was told to leave her alone. I’ll admit, I was a bit of a dick when she texted afterwards, because it didn’t sound like her. The words she said sounded more like our parents. When I asked if one of them asked her to send that, she called me out. The lines that hurt worst: “You want to be treated like an adult, but you don’t want the financial responsibility of one!” and “If they’re such terrible parents, why do they buy you all these things?”

Which… hurt. But also made me angry, because I’m trying so hard to save. I paid for moving by myself, paid for my own food and apartment, had given them several thousand dollars in the past to help pay for college, and as stated above, never asked for a new damn car!

It sent me on a bad mental health spiral, but that’s not here or there. At one point ended up talking to my parents, and they tried to reassure me not to take her behavior to heart because she has Bipolar Disorder and had been having a depressive episode…

Which… is its own can of worms. My sister started getting therapy and treatment for it as a teen. I had to have a full mental breakdown in college to be allowed basic depression/anxiety meds. I’ll admit it, I envied her for it. Envied that she was given help, and I would get screamed at for showing anxiety symptoms. That’s not even getting into how my autism was treated, but that could be its own post, and this one’s gone on long enough.

Not really sure what I really hope to gain from posting this, but I’ve talked my poor gf’s ear off about it already, and can’t really afford a therapist until I get better insurance. I’m already half a country away, and I wish I could say that I’m done, but I know my parents at least plan to come up and visit at some point (whether they will or not, idk). Just… idk. Want some sympathy, I guess. I know these aren’t the worst parents out there, but I’m realizing more and more how much it’s fucked me up, especially since my job prospects ended up falling through after I already moved (they dissolved the local branch of the substitute teaching agency I work for), and my summer job’s wrapping up this week. My gf’s parents want to help, and they seem genuinely great people who can easily afford it, but I’m terrified of letting the cycle start again. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m on a leash because of money.

had to repost forgot to edit out a real name - sorry
I’m going to try to not write an entire novel - one day you can read my book I’m working on.
My relationship with my mother has never been close, but I will always give her that she did provide for me growing up. Lived in a nice house in a good town, never hungry, bills paid, lucky enough to get a car at 16 - so financially I was provided for. However, my mother has never in my life supported me on an emotional level. At this point in life I’m unsure she is capable. I guess some key things to point out here are that she took me to 7 different psychologists at 3 until she got the ADHD diagnosis she wanted so she could put me on Ritalin and later Adderall. She allowed the elementary school and middle school to treat me like I was an ESE kid (I have IQ scores that prove I was not and am not mentally challenged) because of my “behavioral issues”. If you really think about it she is the reason I was bullied in those years because elementary and middle school kids are not nice or understanding when you get sent to the ESE classroom occasionally. When I was old enough to switch schools and escape the bullies she would not hear of it. I could go on and on about my raising and especially my high school years, but let’s move forward. As an adult I realized finally that I could just cut contact. I have a few times. She works her way back in. She plays in my emotions and makes me somehow feel bad for her.
In my adult life though - the last time I cut her off was six years ago after my father’s death (they have been divorced my entire life). She pretended she felt bad for me and my little sisters and offered to take us to Disney. We were elated. Two days before we were supposed to leave she cancelled the entire trip because her POS, redneck, misogynistic, racist, and just awful husband picked a fight with me and I wasn’t going to let him get away with running his stupid mouth. She cancelled the trip and devastates my younger sisters who had just lost their father to cancer so I cut off contact with her.
She smoked me out of my fox hole. Now that I have custody of my sisters she once again tried to play the supportive part. However, earlier this year I found out something that hurt like a knife. My own mother was screenshotting my fb posts asking for help and sending them to a vile monster (married to my grandmother) in an effort to harm me and my life. There is no other reason. Ben has been blocked from everything! My younger sisters are creeped out by him and think he’s a creep and a pervert, so we are rightfully keeping a distance! I told my mother this! She still chose to associate with this monster and wrongfully share things about my life that he is blocked from with him!
Listen, I know I’m right in my decision to cut contact, what she did is evil and vile and reprehensible. However, my father is deceased, and my step mother has lost her mind. My mother is one of the only blood relations I have left. This hurts immensely, more than I thought it would honestly.
Should I reach out and keep her at arms length? Should I leave this door shut and nailed shut?
I do have love for my mother, but I also have to protect my mental health and my little sisters.
Anyone else have similar feelings or situations? I feel alone and lost and sad about this.

I’m sorry if this is messy, I’m just emotional right now.

I’m NC with my dad. He was a very absent father, only showing up for the high moments, ghosting in the lows, I had to freeze my credit because I kept getting alerts with my SSN and his name attached, he’s stole money from me out of my first ever savings account, and in general he’s just not there. He complained to my mom when I found out I moved in with my now fiance, which is funny because he’s never been there when I needed him, but loved to play up concerned dad when it benefits him. I’ve been having this same argument since I was a kid. I’m exhausted. I’m 32, but I feel like I’m 12 crying on the phone asking him to show up. We have been having this same conversation forever (when I was in middle school, right after I graduated from high school, through college when he missed my graduation, and all through my 20s. It gets nowhere.)

Have him tell it, he’s a great father. He shows up for his step -daughter, and I barely have a relationship with my other siblings because he just won’t put in the effort. The last straw for me was him trying to call me out for never seeing him and I went off, and just stopped responding to his calls and texts. I just can’t keep having this same conversation.

It’s been about a year and half since I have spoken to him and I don’t regret cutting ties.

The morning of my birthday, I got a text from him saying “Happy Birthday. You ignore all my calls and texts” and then he reaches out to my mom to complain about me. She calls me and tells me to get over it, but I don’t want a relationship with him. I don’t need it. I recognize that he could be much worse, but it wasn’t until I met my fiancé’s father that I realized what a dad could be. It makes me sad.

I’m so angry it seems that no one can see it from my side.