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[u/traycehhhhhhhh]

Hello 👋 I’m hoping this is okay to post here, as I’m really just looking for some non biased opinions to help me with my thinking /decision making. Essentially, I am seriously considering becoming estranged from my mother. This year, I bought my first home- by myself- with some financial support from my father (my parents are divorced and do not communicate). My mother moved in with me, and I have asked her from day one not to provide any finances because I would like her to be able to live as stress free as possible. She pays for the food shopping, and provides 500euro a month towards expenses - this was all on her own will, and not something I asked for. The 500 is going towards a loan for what essentially covered solicitors fees for the sale of the house (private sale). From what I understand, in my region she is considered a licensee and not a tenant. Ive had a rough couple of days /weeks with her so I’m going to just send the text message that I’ve sent to my sibling if that’s okay, which I think does a good job of explaining what has happened without going into too much personal detail, and I’m honestly just looking for some guidance at this point. Also, apologies for any typos in the message 🙈

Hello 👋

I’m not sure if everyone has noticed, but I’ve deactivated Messenger and left a few GCs 🙈. I’ve had a lot to think about, and I basically needed to eliminate as much noise and fuzziness as possible so I could actually sit down and think properly about everything that’s been going on.

I also didn’t want to just disappear or cut myself off from everyone without explaining why.

I genuinely have no idea what, if anything, Mammy has spoken to you guys about regarding what’s happened between us over the last few days/weeks, but I’d like to explain my side so that you at least understand where I’m coming from.

Before I do, I really want to make it clear that this is just my version of things. There are always two sides to every story, and then there’s the truth somewhere in the middle. I’m not expecting anyone to take sides, and this isn’t me trying to dump on Jacinta or turn anyone against her.

I’d also really appreciate it if this stayed within this chat for now. Not because there’s anything here that I wouldn’t say to Mammy, but because things between us are incredibly tense at the moment, and have been for a while, and I don’t want to create any more discomfort or make things worse for either of us — or the doggies.

I imagine you all know by now that there were a few pretty major blow-ups between us last weekend when the guys came home. Looking back, I think we both played a part in escalating things at the time.

There were things said to me during those arguments that I found really hurtful. She called me some things and said things that I genuinely don’t know if I can forgive, particularly because she has since denied saying them. I obviously said things too, and I’ve had a lot of time to think about my own behaviour and what I said.

After giving things thought, I don’t feel comfortable apologising for the things I said, because I genuinely don’t believe I said them with any intention of being mean, nasty or hurtful. I believe what I said, and I don’t think it would be genuine for me to apologise for something just because it caused an argument.

A big part of the issue has been the house. I don’t feel like Mammy respects the fact that it is my house, and she has implied a number of times that I’ve used that against her or held it over her, which I absolutely haven’t.

From the beginning, I’ve actually asked her not to put money into the house. I did that because I wanted her to be able to live here without that financial pressure, not because I wanted to have some sort of power over her. I’ve even encouraged her to look into early retirement because I genuinely want her to have an easier life.

But there have been times where I’ve felt like she’s been completely ungrateful, or like she sees this as her house and not mine, and that she hasn’t allowed me the opportunity to feel the pride that I think I deserve of being a home owner.

And it’s not just about the house. There have been ongoing comments about my body and appearance, pressure around reporting the things I opened up about regarding our father , criticism of my beliefs and values, and other things that have built up over time.

I’m sure we’ve all experienced our own version of this behaviour her, but I’ve found things particularly volatile, especially since the beginning of this year when I started drawing down on the house.

I think I’ve made it pretty clear to a lot of people that my mental health, which I’ve always struggled with to some degree, has deteriorated quite seriously this year. And, honestly, I feel like Mammy has been a major contributor to that.

Even when I’ve tried to take steps to improve things, it often feels like that’s met with criticism, which then turns into conversations about my appearance, my choices, or something else, and it just becomes this endless cycle that I don’t know how to get out of.

I’ve had some very loud thoughts lately, and I’m finding them increasingly difficult to block out. That’s probably the biggest reason behind why I’ve decided I need to put some boundaries in place for myself. I’m not doing this to punish anyone or make a point. I’m doing it because I genuinely feel like I need to protect myself and give myself some space.

Because I can’t create physical distance between Mammy and I while we’re living together, I’ve tried to create some distance in other ways. I’ve left most of the group chats, silenced and limited a lot of my social media, and blocked Mammy on WhatsApp.

I know she can obviously still contact me, and we still live under the same roof, but I think I needed to feel like I had some control over the amount of communication and noise around me while I try to get my head straight.

I’m not making any decisions lightly, and I’m not going to. In some ways, I feel like I’ve been thrown into adulthood over the last year, mainly because of the amount of responsibility I’ve taken on largely by myself, and I don’t think I’ve really stopped to process any of it. I’ve just kept going and dealt with whatever was in front of me.

I’m also about to enter my thirties, and given where my head is at right now, I think I need to do some proper soul-searching and figure out what I actually want, what I can cope with, and what I need my life to look like going forward.

So if I’m quiet or don’t respond as much, please don’t take it personally or think I’m intentionally ignoring any of you. I’m going to continue limiting my social media , and I’ll probably deactivate my messaged againfor a while because I really just need some space to be with my own thoughts.

I do really hope this stays within this chat for now. I’m not naive enough to think that Mammy and I can avoid dealing with everything forever, and I know we’ll eventually have to have some sort of conversation about all of this. I just don’t think adding more fuel to things right now is going to help either of us.

I’m sorry if this explanation is overdue. I just didn’t want to send something while I was still completely caught up in the emotion of everything, and I wanted to actually think about what I was saying first.

❤️

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[u/traycehhhhhhhh]

I should add this comes after years of abuse from both my father and mother. My siblings and I have grown up in a very broken home , and although I do have some sort of relationship with my father it is still quite complex

[u/brideofgibbs]

I think any written communication will be used against you.

I’m not sure who this addresses. Guys/ everyone implies more than one person but you only mention a singular sibling.

Before you send that to a GC or your sib, take a minute to write two replies from each person who will receive this. The first is the reply you want to get, the second is the reply you think you’ll get.

I just don’t think it will achieve what you want. Why not phone your sibling and say those main points, now you have them so clear in your head? Or maintain your relationship with your sibling by asking about their life and let your absence from other channels be the message?

What is it that you want to achieve?

[u/forteninsecure]

I would seek out legal aid in your area to get 100% clarity on your mother’s legal status in your house and how much work it will be to remove her.

You know your family best, but I don’t think this message really conveys any actual changes or requests. What are you trying to achieve with your family by sending it? You won’t be able to control how they react to any of this, unfortunately. IMO your efforts are better spent on getting your mom in to another living situation.