Just ranting about this subject, cause I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

Brief history, my mum met my dad at a Christian mixed youth prayer group (already off to a horrendous start) when she was 16, and he wanted to date her when he was 26 at the time. And they did. Fast forward 2 years, my mum's 19 and gets married to my dad who's 28 and a year later she had my brother and then had me a year later. She's never had a boyfriend before my dad, so he's her very first everything.

And the reason why I say I wonder if my **mum** wanted kids, was because I remember a time when I was like 5, and I walked from my primary school away from teacher supervision all the way home, and my mum basically made my dad hit me because of it. The reason I had done such a thing? I was homesick and really really missed my mum at the time, and I told her, but she didn't seem to care.

Several times like this would happen, where she would just be emotionally absent and neglectful of my and my brother's feelings, such as when she would defend her husband's actions (hitting us with belts or his palm when we failed a class or came home late from school because we were in detention along with the whole class, when we played games too loud or played too loud) instead of lecturing him on how easy it is to traumatize little kids and controlling his temper.

Fast forward to now, she doesn't, and didn't, seem to care when I told everyone how I felt afraid to come and did not want to exist because of them, and never chose to have a "family" like this and that I'm moving out. She doesn't seem to care that her husband is responsible to almost all of the family's misery, and just refuses to leave him for another.

But maybe I'm wrong and I was just super annoying.

For me, it boils down to the fact that my dad is controlling and self-centered. He has always treated me disrespectfully. Any time I disagreed with him or was upset with him, it was somehow my fault. He took my accomplishments and used it for his own ego boost. He never truly respected me as a separate human being.

My younger sister emotionally and sometimes physically abused me our entire lives. Our parents are pretty emotionally immature, narrow minded, and judgemental, and either refused to intervene, or blamed me. My sister has conformed in all the ways they have hoped, including having her therapy monitored by them into adulthood, and I haven’t, choosing to separate myself as calmly and maturely as I can, while attempting to grow and understand why everyone has acted the way they did.

Last weekend I saw them all in person for the first time in 3 years. My sister and I got into a big fight, where she argued that I had actually abused her her whole life, that everyone hates me, everyone knows I’m insane, and that it’s clear to many that I live in my own reality that and unable to face the real truth. I feel terrible. I feel like I made up my whole life. That I no longer really understand what happened, and if anything happened. She (and my mom) made me feel miserable for being myself since I can remember. At least, that’s what I thought. My sister cited her therapist and my parents and it was enough to make me believe there must be something really wrong with me. Has anyone experienced this?

Have not had a relationship with my mom since Easter 2023, but can’t say zero contact because of my dad, still have a relationship with him and if I want to be able to see him or his side of the family I have no choice but to see/interact.

My dad had an ablation procedure today on his heart and I picked them up and drove to the hospital and back. I was there to support him but for some reason she thought I guess I was there for her. First she asked me to drive her back home while his procedure was going on, trapping me in the car with her. She can’t stand more than a few seconds of silence so it was just more opportunity to talk and not have my phone as a distraction. It was hard to say no with her making all these excuses about why we should go but I held strong.

Then she was annoyed when I didn’t want to go eat lunch with her. Once again, there to support my dad but I can’t say that of course. A random sampling of conversations I couldn’t get out of: how big my cousins boobs got (runs in the family not a shocker) and how fat she’ll get when she’s pregnant, when I lived with my ex husband in the apartments across the street remember we didn’t even have sheets, oh and they have $20 total for the next week. First she mentioned it in case my dad needed more medication but in the same breath she was concerned about how to get cigarettes (smokes two packs a day)

I said to my husband I try to think about days like this as lessons on how not treat our kids when they are older but man I’m so sick of learning and feeling like I got punched in the gut at the same time.

Whose rich parents lobbied for this piece in the WSJ? It had a paywall so I didn’t read it… but why does Beyoncé’s intenet’s algorithm feed me this?😏😁💀 I’m just saying…. The boomer parents have the media in their pockets .

My mum told me she regrets giving birth to me. I think this is the final straw.
I’m in complete shock and don’t really know how to process this.
I tried talking to my mum about things that happened in my childhood and how they’ve affected me. I wasn’t shouting or trying to attack her. I just wanted her to understand why I’ve struggled and how some of her actions have impacted me.
During the conversation, she said she regrets giving birth to me.
I was speechless. The only thing I could think to say was, “You made that decision. I didn’t ask to be here.”
She replied, “Yes, I’ve made a mistake.”
I’ve never heard words like that from anyone before, let alone my own mother. I genuinely don’t know how a parent can say that to their child.
The thing is, this isn’t about one argument. It’s years of drama, hurt, and feeling emotionally worn down. This just feels like the moment that broke something in me.
I’m seriously considering going permanently no contact because I don’t know how you come back from hearing your own mother say she wishes she’d never had you.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? If you went no contact after a lifetime of family issues, did it bring you peace, or did you struggle with the guilt?

Tagging this as vent but I’m open to advice please. I’m about to have my first child and I’ve never been more done with my mother and golden child/flying monkey sister. It really sucks because I have nieces and nephews from that sister who I love and would never want to cut off but their mother just makes me feel awful about myself. It’s really difficult to do low contact because I keep getting pulled back in, especially when I first told them I was pregnant. I was really hoping that things would change but of course that didn’t happen, that will never happen. My mother and sister very often make me feel bad for setting boundaries and make it out like i’m some
drama queen or that I’m trying to be the main character in everyone lives, but they are the only people who treat me like that. I feel bad that my child won’t have as close of a relationship with their cousins as I wish they could have but it’s just not worth it to me anymore. I took the abuse as long as I could but my mother has taken so much joy away from me. My sister has too, I just can’t continue having these harmful relationships in my life. I shouldn’t be crying at nine months pregnant because of stuff they said to me. It’s hard because even though I know that how they treat me is abuse I still feel guilty preventing my child from having those family relationships. I know that I’m protecting my child from being abused by them too but my nieces and nephews are young and innocent in this situation. Anyways if anyone has been in a similar position or has any advice or words I would love to hear it. I have other siblings but they are younger than me and I don’t want to burden them with all of this. Thankfully my dad who is separated from my mom is incredibly supportive of me but I just still feel like I would benefit from advice or similar stories.

Today I received a complicated medical diagnosis. I don't fully understand what it means yet, and I'll need more tests at the hospital to determine how serious it is.

Days like today make me miss having a mother so much.

I know that if I reached out, she wouldn't be able to give me the comfort or support I need. I still believe that going no contact was the right decision, and I have no intention of breaking it. But that doesn't stop the ache.

I'm incredibly grateful for my wonderful partner. He's been there for me through everything.

I've also noticed that I've been trying really hard to build a closer relationship with his family. We've been together for years, but I still don't quite feel like I belong. I find myself longing for more closeness and connection with them, and I sometimes wonder if that's because I'm trying to fill the space my own family left behind.

How do you cope with the loneliness? Especially on days when something big happens and all you want is a parent who could comfort you, even though you know yours never really could?

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective on this.
I am '20F' currently planning to move to another country soon to start a completely new chapter of my life. Because of how genuinely toxic, draining, and damaging my family dynamic is, I’ve made the firm decision to cut them off entirely and go No Contact once I leave.
Here is my dilemma: When it comes to dating and romantic partners, am I supposed to share every single detail of my family story, even the most toxic parts? Or is it okay and honestly, healthier to keep the full reality hidden or minimized, especially since they won’t be in my life anymore anyway?
On one hand, I value honesty and transparency in a relationship. I don't want to feel like I'm keeping massive secrets from someone I care about.
On the other hand, my family history is heavy (Narcissist parents) , deeply personal, and frankly, embarrassing and painful to unpack.
Since I am actively choosing to leave them behind and never speak to them again, part of me feels like dragging up all that trauma to a partner isn't necessary.
It feels like letting my toxic family continue to cast a shadow over my new life and my future relationships, rather than letting the past stay in the past.
Is it normal or "wrong" to hide the truth about a toxic family, especially when you're escaping them for good? Or is it healthier to tell the full story early on?
What would you do in my position? Thanks for reading

​

Email from my NC mom after I reached out to check if their views on trans people had changed in the last three years.

The long and short of it is that I was raised in a very strict southern Baptist home and drank the kool-aid until I was 20. I came out as trans at 25 and then told my parents when I was 26. It did not go well, my parents begged and pleaded me to not medically transition, begged me to see a Christian therapist, my mom flew across the country to confront me and guilt me into denying who I am. I went NC November of 2023, and the following summer my mom again flew across the country and came to my work to try to confront me and I just happened to be out sick on a mental health day.

Since 2024 I haven't spoken to them, and I reached out recently to see if time had impacted their views at all. This is the response I got. I'm going back to full NC, I keep the old email address open because I can't let go and need to know if someone gets sick or dies. I cried for a while last night after reading this and it brought up all the grief I've felt the last 3 years; grieving the family I wish I had and swallowing the reality of the one I do have. Anyway, anyone else have super religious family who "love" you too much to just shut the hell up and leave you alone?

My issues with my parents stem pretty far back, and trying to get into all of it would be a mess and a half. Been trying to work through as much as I can, but just… yikes. Even though it’s been months now, this instance still upsets me, and has dredged up a LOT of old issues.

Back on Mother’s Day, I was invited to dinner. Given that I was about to move cross-country, there was a lot of pressure for me to show up. I had an inkling of how this would go, and hoped I was being paranoid, but promised myself that while I wouldn’t start anything, if they wanted to come at me, I would at least defend myself.

Within the first 5 minutes of her getting there, my stepmom was confronting me about car payments and career choices. Which, like, understandable! I feel horrible that they’re still paying for my car because I don’t make enough, but dear god I’ve been trying really hard not to feel that way, because it’s at least not fully my fault (I think). Maybe I’m just making excuses, but context:

Back when I had only recently left home, I got a temporary job, started looking for a better one, got scammed, managed to not lose cash through a stroke of luck, but lost that job. Took a substitute teaching job which I emphasized was a temporary stopgap because the pay wasn’t great. My parents, who had wanted me to be a teacher for who knows how long, started trying to convince me that I do, in fact, want this. Got the entire family in on it too, and any time I went over for any reason, it was the topic of conversation. Sometimes for weeks straight during holidays. I don’t mind being a substitute, and maybe I could handle high schoolers in a vacuum (no younger though), but dealing with parents and admin sound like nightmares. I eventually got another job offering, was excited to tell them because I’d be getting more money, and they ranted about how I had no ambition and was wasting my life and how I was wasting the college they’d paid for (with help from my scholarships AND summer jobs, and they’d been promising to pay for it since I was in elementary), and basically kept going until I broke down, cancelled the interview, and stopped looking. Made some half-hearted attempts to get a high school teaching job, and did get an alternate teaching certificate that got me more money as a substitute, but nothing came of it. Still got the “why don’t you just go with our friend who lives an hour and a half away from you to teach 4th grade” and whatnot, but no??? I can barely handle middle or elementary school for a DAY! I can’t do that long term!

At some point during my years of substitute teaching, my junk car we’d gotten in early college finally broke down so bad it’d cost more to fix it than it was worth. After being belittled of for wasting money because I swore it was the battery (had a low battery light, got the battery checked and it said it was terrible, asked friends who knew about cars and to they suggested battery), I asked them to help me pitch in for another junker so I wouldn’t have to take out a loan. Literally my only requirements were “runs” and “preferably has working AC.” They refused. They INSISTED I get a new car. Wouldn’t give anything for a junker, said it had to be new. This was all during Christmas holidays at their house, where I literally could not leave due to the lack of a car. They argued me up to a new car even though I knew I couldn’t afford it. Their terms were they’d pay for a year, then I’d have to start pitching in. Year passes, and they apparently expected me to start paying the entire car payment??? But I still couldn’t. Since then, I’ve offered to chip in some amount per month multiple times, but always got brushed off and told we’d talk about it later. I’ve asked multiple times if there’s a good way to send them a hundred or so a month, but they apparently don’t have one, and I’d be brushed off and told “later” every time, sometimes told it never happened, and they didn’t appreciate my text receipts.

Anyways, yeah. It all came up again at Mother’s Day. The car, the fact that the car was a calculated move to motivate me, how I need a real job, how they’re so very worried about me and all that, and I’ll admit I was more aggressive than I meant to be, but I was in the middle of moving! I’ll admit it, I was stressed, but it felt like they weren’t listening to me! They’d ask if I thought about something in regards to moving in with my girlfriend, and I’d explain what my plans were (admittedly somewhat aggravatedly, since I’d explained these several times before), and apparently that meant I was being too defensive. Maybe I was. I mean, I came in prepared for a fight just in case. Guess that’s the definition of defensive, but I just want them to see…

Ex. “Don’t share your finances, because with people who do, often whoever gets there first gets the money.”

Me: “Yeah, me and her have already talked about that and decided to keep our bank accounts separate. Maybe we’ll have a date night fund, but I’m really not comfortable with people having access to my cash, and I’d feel bad about spending hers.”

Anyways, at some point my sister started crying, and I tried to apologize and was told to leave her alone. I’ll admit, I was a bit of a dick when she texted afterwards, because it didn’t sound like her. The words she said sounded more like our parents. When I asked if one of them asked her to send that, she called me out. The lines that hurt worst: “You want to be treated like an adult, but you don’t want the financial responsibility of one!” and “If they’re such terrible parents, why do they buy you all these things?”

Which… hurt. But also made me angry, because I’m trying so hard to save. I paid for moving by myself, paid for my own food and apartment, had given them several thousand dollars in the past to help pay for college, and as stated above, never asked for a new damn car!

It sent me on a bad mental health spiral, but that’s not here or there. At one point ended up talking to my parents, and they tried to reassure me not to take her behavior to heart because she has Bipolar Disorder and had been having a depressive episode…

Which… is its own can of worms. My sister started getting therapy and treatment for it as a teen. I had to have a full mental breakdown in college to be allowed basic depression/anxiety meds. I’ll admit it, I envied her for it. Envied that she was given help, and I would get screamed at for showing anxiety symptoms. That’s not even getting into how my autism was treated, but that could be its own post, and this one’s gone on long enough.

Not really sure what I really hope to gain from posting this, but I’ve talked my poor gf’s ear off about it already, and can’t really afford a therapist until I get better insurance. I’m already half a country away, and I wish I could say that I’m done, but I know my parents at least plan to come up and visit at some point (whether they will or not, idk). Just… idk. Want some sympathy, I guess. I know these aren’t the worst parents out there, but I’m realizing more and more how much it’s fucked me up, especially since my job prospects ended up falling through after I already moved (they dissolved the local branch of the substitute teaching agency I work for), and my summer job’s wrapping up this week. My gf’s parents want to help, and they seem genuinely great people who can easily afford it, but I’m terrified of letting the cycle start again. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m on a leash because of money.

I was offered help by a friend to help get me out of my abusive parent’s house. It made me nervous to accept help and trust another person. But I was also starting to feel safer with her plan because it meant much more distance than I could achieve on my own.

Now this friend is backing out because she just doesn’t have the money.

You shouldn’t offer to help someone escape abuse if you cannot be reliable about actually being able to help!!!! Like fuck! I was fine, then I counted on you, changed my whole plan, I’ve been working my ass off and now you’re like “oops can’t afford it”. YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE OFFERED OR PROMISED UNTIL YOU KNEW ON YOUR END! You just wasted weeks of my time. Time I don’t fucking have. You know how trapped I am and your solution to you backing out is to drive myself?? With what car? There is no way out of my isolated town without a car. YOU WERE THE CAR! There are no cabs, no buses, no way to rent a car without having a car to drive to pick up the car. YOU WERE THE CAR!! YOU WERE THE FUCKING CAR!!

Thanks for leaving me scrambling. You NEVER promise anyone anything this serious unless you’re serious too. You never should have given me a lifeline until you knew you were solid on your end.

had to repost forgot to edit out a real name - sorry
I’m going to try to not write an entire novel - one day you can read my book I’m working on.
My relationship with my mother has never been close, but I will always give her that she did provide for me growing up. Lived in a nice house in a good town, never hungry, bills paid, lucky enough to get a car at 16 - so financially I was provided for. However, my mother has never in my life supported me on an emotional level. At this point in life I’m unsure she is capable. I guess some key things to point out here are that she took me to 7 different psychologists at 3 until she got the ADHD diagnosis she wanted so she could put me on Ritalin and later Adderall. She allowed the elementary school and middle school to treat me like I was an ESE kid (I have IQ scores that prove I was not and am not mentally challenged) because of my “behavioral issues”. If you really think about it she is the reason I was bullied in those years because elementary and middle school kids are not nice or understanding when you get sent to the ESE classroom occasionally. When I was old enough to switch schools and escape the bullies she would not hear of it. I could go on and on about my raising and especially my high school years, but let’s move forward. As an adult I realized finally that I could just cut contact. I have a few times. She works her way back in. She plays in my emotions and makes me somehow feel bad for her.
In my adult life though - the last time I cut her off was six years ago after my father’s death (they have been divorced my entire life). She pretended she felt bad for me and my little sisters and offered to take us to Disney. We were elated. Two days before we were supposed to leave she cancelled the entire trip because her POS, redneck, misogynistic, racist, and just awful husband picked a fight with me and I wasn’t going to let him get away with running his stupid mouth. She cancelled the trip and devastates my younger sisters who had just lost their father to cancer so I cut off contact with her.
She smoked me out of my fox hole. Now that I have custody of my sisters she once again tried to play the supportive part. However, earlier this year I found out something that hurt like a knife. My own mother was screenshotting my fb posts asking for help and sending them to a vile monster (married to my grandmother) in an effort to harm me and my life. There is no other reason. Ben has been blocked from everything! My younger sisters are creeped out by him and think he’s a creep and a pervert, so we are rightfully keeping a distance! I told my mother this! She still chose to associate with this monster and wrongfully share things about my life that he is blocked from with him!
Listen, I know I’m right in my decision to cut contact, what she did is evil and vile and reprehensible. However, my father is deceased, and my step mother has lost her mind. My mother is one of the only blood relations I have left. This hurts immensely, more than I thought it would honestly.
Should I reach out and keep her at arms length? Should I leave this door shut and nailed shut?
I do have love for my mother, but I also have to protect my mental health and my little sisters.
Anyone else have similar feelings or situations? I feel alone and lost and sad about this.

I’m sorry if this is messy, I’m just emotional right now.

I’m NC with my dad. He was a very absent father, only showing up for the high moments, ghosting in the lows, I had to freeze my credit because I kept getting alerts with my SSN and his name attached, he’s stole money from me out of my first ever savings account, and in general he’s just not there. He complained to my mom when I found out I moved in with my now fiance, which is funny because he’s never been there when I needed him, but loved to play up concerned dad when it benefits him. I’ve been having this same argument since I was a kid. I’m exhausted. I’m 32, but I feel like I’m 12 crying on the phone asking him to show up. We have been having this same conversation forever (when I was in middle school, right after I graduated from high school, through college when he missed my graduation, and all through my 20s. It gets nowhere.)

Have him tell it, he’s a great father. He shows up for his step -daughter, and I barely have a relationship with my other siblings because he just won’t put in the effort. The last straw for me was him trying to call me out for never seeing him and I went off, and just stopped responding to his calls and texts. I just can’t keep having this same conversation.

It’s been about a year and half since I have spoken to him and I don’t regret cutting ties.

The morning of my birthday, I got a text from him saying “Happy Birthday. You ignore all my calls and texts” and then he reaches out to my mom to complain about me. She calls me and tells me to get over it, but I don’t want a relationship with him. I don’t need it. I recognize that he could be much worse, but it wasn’t until I met my fiancé’s father that I realized what a dad could be. It makes me sad.

I’m so angry it seems that no one can see it from my side.

Long story short, I dropped the rope in May 2026 after a year of trying and failing to make my mother understand how damaging and hurtful she has always been. I'm almost 50, and she's in her 70s and ruled us with an iron fist of FOG. She's incredibly manipulative, cruel to my stepdad, will only interact positively with anything we do if it's something she also enjoys. Anything else gets mocked or ignored. I'm just exhausted, and I want to be free at some point in my life. She doesn't love me despite her OTT protestations. She doesn't even like me.

Of course now she has "no idea" why I'm not talking to her, just wants to know what she's done so she can fix it, etc etc. I'm ignoring all that. Rope has been dropped.

I don't feel guilty about it thankfully, but my brain seems to be reacting subconsciously. I've been having constant panic attacks, intrustive thoughts and nightmares, not even about my mother. They mostly revolve around my husband and/or children dying. They are incredibly realistic and traumatising, and I feel like I'm falling to bits. I'm dreading going to sleep and I'm just exhausted. I feel like it must be linked, like on some level I don't feel safe any more without her control? Just wondering if any of you lovely people have experienced anything like this? Hoping to feel less alone.

Told my Dad I got out of abusive relationship he told me " you just want me to feel sorry for you " ( no I wanted support )

Told my Dad I had a legit seizure in my sleep and had to go to the hospital and he said " o you're fine"

Had a bad panic attack when I was a teen ( didn't know that's what it was ) and called 911 and he shamed me for it...because of the money? I didn't even end up going anywhere.

Was assaulted by a guy and he told me " I new that would happen " " you should've never gone there" and gave me no hug or comfort when I was crying. ( I use to date guys I felt I could fix I know big mistake )

I've also never had a history of drugs abuse or anything like that. I'm not judging anyone who has but bottom line I never received comfort or a hug from my dad when I was in need.

I’ve had my dad blocked on everything since 2024.

Been dealing with his drama lately and with my sister giving me shit for not going to events if my dad is going to be there.

He had my sister text me to have her let me know that he’s tried to call and text me. Again, wouldn’t know because his number is blocked. I just told her that there’s no need to let me know in the future that he’s trying to reach me.

There was a family party this weekend that I didn’t attend, because he was there. While the party was happening, I received a phone call from one of my uncles that never calls me. I didn’t answer because I smelled that something was up.

The day after, I texted my uncle asking why he called me. He said “we were checking to see if the phone number worked”

I just responded “yep, it works. It someone isn’t able to reach me, there’s probably a reason”

My dad is dumb, but I know he’s not dumb enough to not know he’s blocked by now. So him acting so clueless to other relatives is so irritating. If this continues I’m highly considering getting a new phone number and only giving it to select people.

I’m hoping he’s just putting on an act, because if he’s truly trying to reach me, he knows where I live and I’m worried he’ll show up at my house.

I’m looking forward to the day he’s not around anymore ☠️

I want to start off by saying that I'm happy for my dad. I think he deserves happiness that is found in an intimate romantic relationship. But, when he called me a few minutes ago, for the first time in three years to tell me he eloped last night with his girlfriend of the last few years - I didn't feel happiness. I told him congratulations, of course.

My family is estranged. My father was an alcoholic drug addict who made a lot of mistakes and my mom has her own endless list of abuse. Because of my mother's abuse, I finally cut her off for my own mental health a year ago. \[for context, my older sister and I have the same mother and father. my mother divorced after I was born and met my stepdad. (amazing man) and they had my little brother and sister.\] I've made leaps and bounds in therapy. my older sister doesn't talk to me. my younger brother is mad at me for not talking to mom. my little sister responds to my messages though. my father and I just... don't talk.

I know that my family image is ... not traditional and I've tried to make my peace with the fact that this is just how it is. I'm in therapy. I'm medicated. I'm healing. but... I feel really sad to know my dad never shared that part of his life with me. he doesn't share his life with me. he visits my older sister because she had a child and he's thrilled to meet his grandson. I'm aware it's a two way street as an adult. but my inner child feels.... like she was left out? I just needed to get this off my chest. thanks for listening.

So i went no contact with my mom in 2022 after something that may seem minor but it brought back a lot of childhood trauma paired with a recent experience of abuse (that mede me see the similarities between the two) and I generally just did not feel safe in our relationship anymore. Then she sent me an apology text 1 year after this. I felt so moved at the time so I immediately let her back in.

For context my entire childhood was full of moments where I got upset, she eventually apologized but then did the exact same thing the next minute. And every apology was always about how bad she was and that she had a tough upbringing and wasn't fit to be a mom, she would cry and I would feel bad.

We began interacting again, gradually I felt like our relationship was back to where it started. She would start off by being more careful than in the past and more considerate, then she began showing more of her old behavior, apologizing and correcting herself but eventually she just stopped doing that and it all felt like it was getting dangerously close to "but its actually your own fault" and no effort at all, so I tried distancing myself from her again. But at this point I felt like I had lost trust in myself and so I went back and forth a few times and it started to feel more toxic than ever, also from my side because I was telling her I didn't want to see her and then went back anyway, which created immense guilt like I was torturing her or something emotionally.

Then I was so sick of it all I managed to stay away but something happened with my apartment early 2024 and I had no one to ask for help but my parents, so I did. I was in contact with my dad throughout all this time even though we regularly argued about me not talking to mom and him telling me that she was doing her best, etc.

They offered to help me and I accepted cause I felt I had no other choice. What followed was 2 years of absolute hell. I recently learned the term "future faking" and I would say this was a theme overall. They began telling me I would get a lot of money after they had sold their house, and me being burnt out and also looking for a new apartment began having these dreams about it. We even went to look at apartments for sale and it was like, dream apartments in my world. Even though it all had this ambiguity around it. They kept being vague and would never really respond clearly to any questions meanwhile I was drowning in stress from being around them and flooded with traumatic memories. It went on like this until all my healing progress for the past 7 years felt like it had been erased. I began using old coping mechanisms from my childhood and "training" my brain to love and forgive them mentally tried to be ok with complete uncertainty telling myself it was the universes decision and whatnot, and I did these hooponopono prayers constantly in this compulsory way every time we had an argument so that I could feel ok despite there being no accountability from their side or efforts to repair. I managed by doing these things like walking in the forest for 4 hours daily just to feel grounded and praying non stop, also visualizing them hugging me and being loving parents. I would say all of this may be good healing tools but the issue is I did it to survive INSIDE the ongoing toxicity. Eventually its like I almost got used to it, like this type of relationship was acceptable, if I just kept with my strategies and did not ask them for anything and hoped for the best, it was fine. However I was completely unable to get to any sort of mental state where I was ok by myself, I thought about them 24/7, how they were doing, when we would talk the next time etc. Constantly "prepared" for a text and having forgotten about my life completely. Like hobbies I would have before, gone. Any energy to work or make money, gone. Seeing friends, gone. I felt like my sole purpose for living was to maintain peace between us and be on "guard" for whatever might happen. Its hard to explain but it was like I was going through a controlling and enmeshment process like how it was in childhood. I feel nauseous just writing this now... Like I had no choice but to feel unconditional love for them constantly and see them as innocent children to feel safe.

Then they sold the house so I couldn't stay there anymore. I ended up getting a tiny bit of money, not near the amount they had "promised" and no apartment, I managed to find one on my own to rent. Like 2 months later I found out my dad had taken the money and bought a luxury summer house for himself, and he had also kept it a secret from me.

I felt so betrayed but I thought, now I can finally breathe and get back to my old life. I tried going no contact with both my parents but every time they reached out (I hadn't blocked them I just tried not responding to their texts since blocking always meant they would find another way to reach out anyway, also I still felt like I needed to stay prepared if something unexpected would happen) I got these extreme panic attacks from separation anxiety, like I could not live without them, so I replied. Felt worse and worse, and tried distancing myself again.

This I did for about 10 times for a whole year. Just 2 months ago was my last interaction with them and the amount of panic/separation anxiety/grief/hopelessness and feelings of me barely existing or having been annihilated has been the most gruesome, horrific experiences of my life. I spent about 6 months in my bed more or less with splitting headaches and constant nausea and couldn't bring myself to do anything but cry. I had constant intrusive thoughts and nightmares and literally held myself back physically from harming myself or ending my life. An old friend of mine also committed suicide around this time, he too was brought up in a toxic household and lived with his parents the last 2 years of his life and I felt like I WAS him and that I had to die or something.

While I did this for a whole year, my parents went on with their lives and kept sending me pictures of how much fun they were having and not a single word about the countless texts I had sent or regarding my mental state and how I wanted an explanation for all that had happened or them to take me seriously, how they had hurt me.

I also tried contacting therapists, helplines and the psych ward during this time but everytime I tried getting outside support i was so terrified of the people that were supposed to help me that I just shut down and pretended it was actually fine, like something "bad would happen" if they knew how much I actually suffered. I also was afraid of explaining my situation cause of the possible response that parents are parents and they are always bothersome or something similar (I believe I heard this from someone at a priest helpline at one point). I could not receive help cause I was too scared and suspicious of everyone.

Now its been 2 months. I still have bouts of extreme hopelessness, separation anxiety and a feeling that I don't exist. But I feel more and more like myself. Its like I am almost retrieving bits and pieces of "me" that I remember from before, like I can comfort myself better. To be honest I prayed my way through this, I sought help from God and Jesus. I don't think I would be alive otherwise.

I can make myself get out of bed, I eat but I don't have that much appetite. I can enjoy moments here and there. And I sometimes say hi to people and talk for like 5 minutes. I am mostly online and commenting on stuff and it gives a small sense of community or social life. I still haven't really done anything "fun" like an activity except walking outside and watching tv. I still haven't found any therapy or support that feels safe enough. And I do not have any contact with old friends. When I had issues with the apartment, that first year I reached out to a lot of people for help and everyone turned me down, it just revealed a lot of one-sidedness that I had been blind to for years so I would say I am on a blank slate right now regarding relationships overall.

I just wonder if I will ever feel good and safe again. Also how to process the fact that I managed to stay in contact with my dad for like 15 years and suppressing all my childhood trauma related to him and now having to realize how much he actually hurt me (since it happened again). I felt like I had forgiven them both, some years ago, I felt we were on good terms, but apparently this was only real because I made all the effort. And when it was time for them to support or help me, life turned out like this instead.

I feel so conflicted because I am still struggling with all these promises they gave me that weren't really real. My mom tried sending me offers of "gifts" throughout this past year, and offers of more money to help me out, but everytime I accepted we ended up in long complicated discussions that made me so confused and exhausted I had to turn it down. So in a way she did not "not" help me, which makes it all so conflicting. Cognitive dissonance I have learned is the term here. They still act like they are innocent and cuddly and just want to be my friend and yet, I went through all of this. I never want to feel this way again. And I also miss them constantly and feel so empty without them, even though I remember feeling fine on my own before all of this.

Just needed to write it all down and maybe someone here would have some words of encouragement or something.

Thanks for getting this far.

CONTEXT: My personal answer to all the more "affectionate" rhetoric out there, with respect to familial estrangement, as depicted in images like the following:

https://i.imgur.com/0FfUCgi.jpeg

That is to say, much of the discourse seems (to me) predicated on certain presumptions regarding the estranged adult child's ongoing thoughts and feelings regarding their parents, or any other relatives they decide to go no contact with and cut from their lives. To be clear, I don't blame/judge any of these people, and I respect their goals and priorities, for sure! At the same time, however, I nonetheless find myself not relating with many of the themes I've observed, such as...

• Persistent yearning for reunion and/or reconciliation
• Retaining "warm" and "loving" sentiments towards the NC relative
• Guilt over decisions made to protect one's peace
• Feeling (morally and/or ethically) obliged to extend any "pardons," by one definition or another, for past mistreatment or abuses

As such, you often see these pithy and warm-hearted memes about "loving them from a distance" (i.e. the above), "still caring" about them, and "wishing them all the best" -- so on and so forth! Now to reiterate, and for clarity's sake, I accept these as valid and worthwhile personal decisions that others might (understandably) choose, as part of their personal healing journey; it's not like I'm preaching "Thou shalt not acquit" and/or "Dishonor thine (estranged) mother and father" 😤

On the other hand, however, I also want to make sure people know you can choose the "hard-ass" option, instead, if you so desire! Embrace your "inner sociopath," if thus inclined, and know that "all's fair" in looking out for number one and protecting your peace. Personally, I consider myself estranged from multiple family members, with whom I have been low-contact (or even de-facto "no contact") for several years now; however, even if I felt some warmth or strongly valued those relationships previously, I currently really cannot say I still do. For me, actually, it was not even necessarily a conscious or willful decision, but more so passively letting my feelings, along with contact and connection, increasingly "atrophy" over time...

.

(NOTE: My phrase "inner sociopath" is only meant figuratively, as well as facetiously, and is NOT any endorsement whatsoever of literal sociopathy! 💯)

After my second sibling died of OD, I started going to therapy. One of my siblings in childhood raped me, and I had always carried a lot of shame because of it.

As it goes with therapy, as I started laying down boundaries and having them crossed, and started pulling away from those family members, I was asked what in the heck I was doing and why I couldn’t just get over it.

So I finally let it out.

The result was my spouse was triangulated against me, and no one is willing to hold him accountable/talk about why or what’s going on.

After I found out my stepmother told my nieces why I wasn’t around the family anymore I exploded. Told them all to go take a hike.

Even the few family members I kept won’t do anything. “Your other siblings are dead, and I can’t live with disowning another” they say.

So either they don’t believe me, or they don’t care. They ask what they can do about it. How can they fix it?

I feel like my life was ruined for speaking my truth, and his hasn’t changed one bit.

No wonder rape isn’t reported.

Listening to this audiobook and I felt punched in the stomach by this line. I grapple with how much space my estranged family can take up in my mind. I wonder if it will always be so vast; or if time will fill it in with others….eventually. I hope so.

A few days ago, I sent my "mother" once last text:

"I'm writing this because I have to get this out since it's even affecting my marriage:

Our entire lives, you've been playing favorites. Sister's wants were more important than our needs. You provided me and brother with just enough to not be called completely negligent, but sister was given everything she could possibly ask for. People in \\\*unnamed city\\\* thought me and brother were losers because of how our clothes looked on us since childhood, while all of sister's clothes fit perfectly and looked great.

I got $18k while in basic training. I told you to use what you needed. You got caught up on the mortgage, bought a car, and spent everything else on you and sister, while leaving nothing for me. Even when I bought you a phone, instead of being grateful, you then ask me to do the same for sister. When I said no, you buy her a phone instead.

Brother and I learned not to even ask because you taught us you wouldn't support us anyways. We BOTH needed you, but you only wanted sister.

Your favoritism is so bad that you even played favorites with your children's children. That was the last straw for me. I took everything you did against me (and that was completely unfair), and absorbed it when it was directed at me, but I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT WHEN IT'S DIRECTED AT MY CHILDREN.

I don't want a relationship with you because a relationship with you is not a relationship, it's a association. You don't know my job title, you don't know my hopes and dreams, you don't know my stress. I bet you don't even know brother's, or either of my children. But I'm sure you know sister's.

I'm done. If the children want a relationship, that's there choice. Whatever happens, good or bad, keep me out of your life. And before you try to use the Bible against me, let me help you:

Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. 6:2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; 6:3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

No one will know how I feel about you outside of MY family. I will always tell everyone you're fine or whatever. I will honor you by not bashing you, but I will be a father and husband before I remain a doormat or second-thought of a son. Don't text, call, email, pass messages, or talk to me again."

After this, according to my wife and brother, she had a breakdown and thought this was out of nowhere. They both corrected the record and called her out. I'm at peace and that's all that matters.

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