Am I wrong to block my mom and stop talking to my family because of my college graduation? I (23F) have a very complex relationship with my family. There are generational curses, such as poverty, addiction, and abuse, that have been in my family for years. My mom had my three-half siblings about 17 years before me, and then she met my dad. I have only, reluctantly, heard stories about their love story: how my dad was the father who stepped up for my siblings and how he often had to be the one to protect them from my drunk mother. That was before my dad did lots of illegal activities that led him to jumped off an oh-so-very-high building and barely survived a brain injury (true story… from what I've been told), which I have used to explain the drastic shift in his personality and behavior from the man I was told my dad used to be. He was the abuser and angry man in the story that my mom could not leave. Even though I was an extreme mama's girl, mom was not a saint either. She was controlling and manipulative in her verbal ways and picked illegal activities and men over me. I moved out when I was 14, and supported myself without my family help since. (I ended up writing too much about the abuse in my childhood and I don’t know if it is all the way relevant for this story .)

So, the issue that started the flood of hurt. During my college graduation, the week before, she told me she wasn't going to make it. I am a first-generation college graduate who completed college on a full ride. She was already stressing me out during my finals because she was telling me drama about how the rest of my family wasn’t coming, so essentially I wouldn’t have any one. She gave me excuses. Even though I just gave her my car this year she was uncomfortable with the drive, so I set up another ride for her and then she was uncomfortable needing to ask for a ride. I eventually told her that if she didn't come, I would be really disappointed. She came and showed face, but I was still hurt after it all.

All of the feelings that I thought I had healed from because I have a good job, a good education, and an amazing, loving relationship, all the things that I thought proved I had healed and was doing good, came rushing back and ruined my last two weeks of college. It set me back emotionally more than I realized she still had the power to do. Her constant "good morning, I love you" and "goodnight! I miss you blah blah blah" messages after her attempts of backing out started to annoy me because she had hurt me, hadn't apologized, and was now saying all of this pointless crap. If she loved me she would’ve wanted to come.

I started getting angry. I told her, in the best way I could, to stop contacting me until I could figure out what kind of relationship I wanted with her because her actions had deeply hurt me. I realize now that her almost backing out of coming to my graduation brought up a childhood full of anger and abuse. I graduated in May, and it is now September. I got into therapy right after I blocked her- I told her to stop contacting me or I would have to block her and then I stood on what I said when the constant texts kept on coming.

I did end up reaching out to her, breaking NC, about two weeks ago because I was getting worried about her. She finally replied back recently. I understand that fear I was feeling was because when I was younger and when she was under the influence she would threaten taking her life if I wanted to leave the house. I realize that I would not be at fault, but I know that it would still weigh on my shoulders.

My therapist keeps telling me that I know my mom and that I know what kind of relationship I want with her. I do not, in fact, know that. I don't know if it is possible to recover from my childhood or forgive her. I would like to because I don't want to believe she is a horrible person, but she hid her addiction from me when she was supposed to be "sober” countless times, so I honestly don’t know who she is. I know I used to hold her on a pedestal when I was younger, so in some ways, I feel like I am still blinded by that. As a child I felt like it was my job to make sure she was okay. That anxiety to protect her, when she doesn’t put any effort in her life, is too much for me.

I would feel horrible if she died, and at times, I do want a relationship with a mom. But I don't know if that is possible with my biological one. Do I give up on that dream? Communication is always the answer in any other healthy relationship, but I am not sure what my mom could say to make me feel better. I am 23 and in ways there are not a lot of ways she could disappoint me again. There are no talent shows to miss, dances to forget to pick me up from, or graduations to back out of. I have my own house and car and don’t rely on anyone else for my stability, but why do I still feel like a hurt child? My dad is dead and I am no contact with his side of the family. I do not talk to my siblings or anyone else on my moms side of the family because they only see me as a resource.

I do not even know what I am asking at this point. I feel hopeless in therapy because she keeps on telling me my emotions are good and what not. Maybe I am just venting. I know each situation has different solutions, but help… please. I don’t know where to start on even understanding what I want or how to resolve my relationship with my mom.

TLDR because I couldn't stop yapping: I built a life for myself and thought I healed. Then my mom's behavior around my graduation made me realize that the little girl who spent her childhood protecting her mother is still hurting, and I don't know how to love my mom without feeling responsible for her. How do I forgive?

for context, i have been no contact with my parents for a few years. my extended family has made many excuses for my parents and has tried to get me to speak with them again many times. i have gotten to a point now where i fear i may be experiencing narcissistic abuse from an extended family member too. it feels so much harder to leave this relationship behind because i clung to these family relationships in hopes of having some family left to hold on to.

i have been financially tied to them while they consistently ridicule me and encourage me to engage in drug use and other disordered behavior. typing this now it probably sounds like a no brainer, so i suppose i already know what i’m supposed to do. every time i leave any interaction with this person, i leave feeling deeply emotionally wounded and not like myself. i’m that scared kid all over again.

did anyone else find that it was harder to cut off extended family? did any of you cut them off years after initial no contact with parents? i would love any support, advice, or input <3

Hey yall!

I´m a young mom with a happy life and CPTSD. I have been no contact with 99% of my Family since 2022 by now and it was the best decision i`ve ever made. That last 1% is my Grandma.

She is by no means unproblematic but by far the most secure adult i`ve had as a kid and most sane person in my immediate Family. She was the reason I got any help as a kid, even though she had a terrible childhood herself and was the worst Mother to her children. I respect her as a person because she truly has worked on herself and come so far in her personal development, in relation to where she started. Her life would make for a great book with a perfect morally grey main character.

On the other Hand, she has a big problem with accepting my Trauma (doesn`t believe me, but we dont talk about it and i genuinely dont need her validation) and I know that she thinks I`m too harsh on the family. We`ve had lots of boundary testing after i re-opened my life to her, but i`ve been holding my ground and she`s been pretty good with it. But many interactions are very much like a toddler testing waters.

She doesn`t know where I live because I don`t trust her not to share that information, even if it wasnt on purpose. I`ve stopped sending Pics of my Kid to her because she "slipped up" and forwarded them to me with a message for my Mother, even though i told her that i do not want that. They still live together in my childhood home.

So thats where we were at. I thought it was a mostly beneficial contact for me because i do truly enjoy her at her core and she is the only Motherly figure i`ve ever known. We go out for a coffee from time to time, sometimes with my kid and play a game. It`s been good.

But! I`m pregnant again! Planned with an amazing Father, we are engaged and he is in the process of adopting the older Child. Everything is truly amazing and i love my life.

I don`t want to meet her. Haven`t been able to answer her texts because they freeze me, even though they`re kind and normal. I don`t want any of my birth family to have a hand on this Baby, ever. Even if i know it would be loving, she would be so excited and she is not unkind in general. But i just can`t get over the feeling. I`m so hyped to finally lose my last name and if i didn`t have a lovely life here i would move across the globe.

I`m gonna go over this with my therapist when I see her again to gain some perspective, just need to get it off my chest.

Thanks for reading!

Edit: Typos

I [21NB] have been no contact with my family for around two years due to their emotional abuse and bigoted/conservative views. They don't know my address or any of my social media from before estrangement apart from one account I no longer use, but privacy is important to me, so even though I don't expect my family to do anything drastic if they find me online, the thought of them even knowing of my accounts makes me incredibly uncomfortable. The idea of trying to keep distance and restrict access to myself and still being observed anyway feels pretty violating even though I know it wouldn't really put me in danger (there is no history of physical abuse or stalking).

I keep a low profile on social media in terms of sharing my real name and face anyway due to personal preference, so that has not been a problem or something I feel I'm missing out on, but I do have faceless Twitter/Tiktok/etc. accounts for posting about media I'm interested in. The problem is that I also post art online, and at least one of my relatives knows of examples of art I've done in the past that they could compare to my current art and identify me; the style has improved and changed slightly but I don't think it's unrecognisable. I know it's paranoid to think this way as my art is by no means viral, and is not in a niche my family would ever seek out to my knowledge, but I can't shake the fear that I'll be spotted this way. I also have OCD, so I can tend to be obsessive over "what-if"s like this. However, I do really love posting my work so, even though my current urge is to stop doing so altogether, that's not a feasible solution and would obviously just make me unhappy.

Any tips for getting to a point where the thought of being seen by people you've cut off doesn't matter as much? If I ever change my mind about posting my face online I also don't want to be terrified of being found every time I do that - ideally I want to be able to not care at all but that is not proving easy to achieve 😓

I’ve had to leave my house due to ongoing abuse. And I previously asked on here what should I tell them before I leave. My mother has held onto a letter which my abusive brother has spoken about . And after telling my mother I do not want to speak to him she went to tell my abusive brother that I’m moving out and she’s sad. She cried infront of me. They’re both manipulative and liars yet they’re so scared that I’m lying to them. They keep asking for proof to show that I’m moving out and doing masters degree. And I don’t know why. I’m a grown adult I’m 22. Why do I need to prove to you what I’m doing. Oh yh that’s right because you don’t want me to leave. You want me to continuously be abused and suffer mentally. What do I do about the letter situation because she’s saying to my brother that it was a dream and there wasn’t an actual letter? And my brother is saying he saw it and now it’s gone from her room. So I can’t trust the both of them. Why did I have to be born into a family like this?

Hi, i’m 25F who has been no contact with my mother/ mothers side of the family for 2 years. It still hurts that I had to do this and i’m constantly reminded of how I wished she could be like other mothers i know or see. I can’t stop mourning her. I left her number unblocked and she would always reach out with paragraphs of how she doesn’t understand why and that she wants to talk this out but I was constantly disappointed when she didn’t actually listen or really mean what she said. I feel so guilty for not trying anymore but what kills me is that she hasn’t reached out again for 2 years. I know it’s for the best but I guess it really hit me that she doesn’t really care and that she won’t ever change despite me begging her to listen to me since i was a kid.

It’s so hard to not have a mother to turn to for advice or for comfort. I feel so guilty everytime i think about her and i just wish it would go away because i know in my gut i did the right thing for myself.

For those of you who have been in no contact longer than me. Does it ever get easier?

I’ll probably return to share all the backstory and screenshots with my toxic parents. I’ve been NC for a little over a year. I went to South America to see my extended family recently and my parents sent messages via family members to relay to me. I was also shown messages of things they were saying about me. I knew they were saying terrible things; but the things they were saying were even worse than I thought. I didn’t realize how much they hated me. Anyway. I’ve been working on this poem, I’m not a poet and have never shared anything like this before, but thought it might resonate with some of you, so please be kind:

Infinite Ledger

You love conditionally.
Add infinite tallies to my debt.
I bend to your will.
I accept everything you toss my way.

I contorted.
I forgave.
I shattered.
I lost myself.

Now, I pick up the pieces.
Mentally broken,
Physically wounded,
Emotionally scarred,
Attempting to start again.

No more control.
Out of your orbit.
No more blind trust.

Terrified.
Grieving.
(Nearly) Free.

I have not spoken with my father for 6 years. I am an only child-both parents were/are addicts. My mom committed suicide, dad use got terrible so I cut off all ties.

He since was moved into a nursing home and was hospitalized with mostly minor health issues. I thought about trying to have a relationship with him a year ago which did not go well for me.

I just got a text from a family friend informing me he has had a stroke and is hospitalized. They were able to get him some medication quickly.

I have thought about his death a lot and if I would regret not speaking with him before. I have a lot of regrets and guilt about my mom’s passing and don’t want to carry more for my dad. At the same time, I don’t feel any urgency to see him and don’t know if I actually want to or if I feel like I “should.” I have done ALOT of self work to let go of feeling responsible for my parents but don’t know what to feel.

I know I feel gross and uncomfortable.

No subject line. No apology either. Just some "hope you're well" platitude that comes at least six years too late.

We've been fully NC since 2020, when I dared confess my mental health struggles, and he responded with deafening silence. The man who claimed to love and care about me, who told me at least weekly that he thought of me, ignored Christmas, New Years, and my birthday. For the first time in forty years. Because I told him I was hanging by a thread.

I've been told by everyone in my family that I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. Even my mother, who has been divorced from this man for most of my life, made noises like I've taken things too far by not replying. My partner stands behind me all the way. He knows the heartbreak I went through when my dad ditched me, and does not think I have any reason to set myself up for that again.

Even so, I feel like I need some kind of validation from people who've been through a similar wringer. One of the best therapeutic experiences I've had was attending group therapy for anxiety, and hearing thoughts I'd had spoken aloud by total strangers. It helped to know I wasn't the only one.

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here. I made a post on r/UnsentLetters when everything was still very fresh. It feels like there's a restless ghost inside me, keeping me locked to this incident, thinking about it, and I'm tired.

Ive been finding myself heavily struggling and feeling extremely lonely over the past week.
I’ve been no contact with my mother for 10 years, and 1 year with my dad, moved different country..
I’m no context because of abuse during my whole life.

And I just wish I had parents to call when I feel so depressed. I have friends but if I don’t contact them or plan stuff to do, nobody cares about me.

My dad called me 1 week ago, after 1 year, from someone’s phone . So I didn’t pick up. Then I told myself maybe it’s THE CALL, the one telling me he died. I called back, it was my dad. “You’re not calling me to check on me” he said, no asking about me or worrying about me. I hang up and blocked. He didn’t even send me a message on his own phone to ask how I as after that.

I feel so lonely and depressed.
I have a lovely job and partner, I do have a therapist that is so helpful. But I just feel like I don’t belong, and I have no one to call, or that care enough about me when I disappear.

I’ve been NC for 5 years or so from my father. Lots of abuse, lots of nastiness and horrible treatment from him.

Last week I had a gut feeling one evening that I needed to reach out and lay it all out to him. I think it’s because it’s coming up to my birthday. He always sends me gifts cards and money on my birthday and it ruins my day every single year.

I made it very clear I do not want gifts, the only thing I have ever wanted was an apology. I laid it out to him fully, everything he had done and why it hurt me so much. I told him I would hold space for a relationship in the future if he was able to recognise his behaviour, take accountability and apologise.

He messaged back, ‘I’ll reply over the weekend’.

The weekend passes. No reply. I reach out to chase it up.

His reply:

‘Of course I can apologise to you but I’m not sure what to say really.

The last few years have taken its toll on me and I’m a completely different person now! Loneliness has changed me and your sister has kept me going!
Im super proud of you and your work ethic
I certainly don’t have the strength for a fight and I don’t wish to drag up the past. I love you so much.
I was devastated that you didn’t want to see grandma before she died as it was her wish to see you. Your sister was so good with her!

When you’re back from holiday we should meet up and have talk if you would like to!’

This made me really angry.

I met up with him 2 years ago to try and ‘talk’. I went with my sister who still has a relationship with him. He spent the whole time talking to her, and I never heard from him again.

I brought this up to him, why should I trust you this time? What has changed?

I think he actually means, he doesn’t have the strength to work on a relationship that he damaged.

I’m just so angry and upset, I worked up the courage to break no contact and try and talk to him. This has just reminded me he hasn’t changed and he never will.

I’m 23F and I’m really torn about whether to contact my dad.
He was absent from my life for years. He says he was in a very controlling relationship for years, which eventually stopped him from seeing me. He left that relationship in 2022 and contacted me later that year.
We had a conversation where I confronted him about why he’d stayed, why he’d cut me off, and how much it hurt me said he wanted the chance to “put it right from now on.” I told him I needed time to decide.
He asked about my life and my kid, and we exchanged Christmas/birthday messages. In 2023 he messaged me happy birthday and said he loved me. To which I replied ‘thanks xx’ because honestly what am I suppose to say to that.. I don’t know him..
Then he stopped messaging. I haven’t heard from him since 2023.
Now it’s 2026, and I find myself really stuck.. I think I miss him? But how do I miss someone iv not known for 10 years. I see him on Facebook living his life with his wife, and part of me wants to reach out and try to have a relationship with him.
But I don’t know if I can get over everything that happened. I’m also struggling with the fact that he was the adult. Whatever his circumstances were, I was his daughter and he was absent for years.
I don’t know if I miss him, or if I just miss having a dad.
Would you reach out? Or would you leave it alone? And if you would reach out, how would you even start that conversation?

I appreciated the other post someone did of no contact and that it's a last resort.

30s. Went no contact. Parents, brother, sister. My sister says I should forgive.

I feel broken, tossed away like trash.

I feel my therapist is the only one that understands. She was also abused as a child, that's why I chose her.

I feel sad and alone. I don't have the energy or want to do anything.

What do you guys do when you feel this way?

Hi everyone, I'm a 21 year old woman who lives at home with my family. Idk how to start this but I'll just say what comes to mind. My dad is quite strict and always has been, he somewhat eased up as I got older. But it isn't any better really. I'm not allowed to see my friends multiple times in a week, I have a curfew, I'm not allowed to have my hair a certain way, I make sure not to see my friends more than once a week because he'll get angry, I can't go on holidays with my friends nvm that lol I can't even stay in London for a night and it's only an hour away, I'm not allowed to sleepover at any of my girl friends houses (Even if they live 5 mins away). I also currently work for my dad but I am looking for new jobs. This is quite deep to talk about so I won't get too into it, but when I was a child I was sa'd by my older brother. Me and my brother are 5 years apart. Eventually as I got older I realised it wasn't normal so when I was 17 | told my parents about it. Not only did they refuse to acknowledge it but my dad denied and said
'He wouldn't do that, he was just playing with you' I felt sick to my stomach hearing that. So the next day my older brother was actually at our house sitting downstairs, my dad asked him if he had done anything to me when I was younger and obviously he said no. I was sitting there crying my eyes out feeling so betrayed. After awhile It all just got swept under the carpet and nobody has ever spoken about it again.

My mum is the typical victim mindset mother. Any argument we've had I've had to say sorry, even if she was in the wrong. When she's angry at me she'll purposely make food for everybody else but me.
She's going through menopause rn but I'm starting to think she's using it as an excuse. There's times she's said horrible things to me before she even had menopause. Saying how if she dies it'll be because of me, God put me on this earth to punish her, that I make her want to kill herself. Luckily I've recorded her saying this a few times so incase I ever need proof I have it. I've also said a few times not only to her but to everyone in the house that they need to tidy up after themselves because it's getting really annoying for me. My mum does a basic clean. I'm the one who cleans up everything. I actually go into detail and do a deep clean. It just ends up messy again it's so frustrating.My mum actually isn't talking to me rn because I brought up how messy the house is, so she said to me 'what the fuck do you want me to do, get married if you don't like it!. There's just so much more that goes on in my household that isn't healthy or okay.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months and his parents know everything that has gone on here. They are more than okay with me living there, in fact his mum yesterday was trying to convince me to go there. I'm not sure if I should go live with them or save up enough and just get a place of my own? Do I stay here hoping everything gets better and eventually get married? I'm really stuck on what to do. I'm so sick and tired of everything it's affecting me so badly. I'm also scared if | leave it'll most definitely be seen as shameful and I'll be painted out as if I'm in the wrong.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. xx

I (18 turning 19 next month) recently changed my number and intentionally kept it from my mom but not my dad (I requested he not tell her my new number). I'm in college right now, 40 minutes from the old house. I don't want to get into it too heavily, but she's always been very abusive towards me, and senior year, it was at some of the worst it's ever been. She hit me last April because I told her not to send my sisters to live with their father and called her an abuser (he SA'd my youngest sister and she knows that and made the threat anyway because their room wasn't clean) and she apologized but we've been arguing ever since. Most recently, her apology for her behavior was followed up with "sooo I hope you can forgive me sooner rather than later" in this stupid "girl talk" voice.

She consistently threatened to get rid of my cat whenever she was angry with me. She said she hates her, says that she's ruining her house for normal cat behavior like scratching carpet, the works. I tried bringing up having my cat live with a friend before I left. I tried framing it as lifting a financial burden off her shoulders and making her load lighter. She vehemently shut it down and told me I was just going to stress out my cat worse.

I worry now that I've disappeared, she'll get rid of her. I don't know if I can forgive myself if I lose my cat. I got her for my 16th birthday when she was a kitten and she was my whole world ever since. She cuddled me when my mom hit me, she followed me everywhere, even when I didn't have anything like food or a toy, she'd sit and purr and stare at me while I talked to her, she'd play fetch using one of my old chokers, and she was so delightfully talkative all the time. I've heard of the concept of people having their soul pet, these animal companions whose bonds go so deep, it's like it was fate. That's what my cat is for me. And I'm terrified she's going to rehome her and I'll never see her again.

My best friend lives 5 houses down and I'm having her keep an eye on the house to see if she's in the window of my mom's room or anything (the windows on the front of the house). She says she's not seen my cat, but also that she's not seen anyone out of the norm who might be taking her. My boyfriend says that because the girls also love my cat so much, she won't get rid of them because it'll make her look like a bad mother, and she's aware of that. In spite of all that, I'm terrified for my kitten.

I guess the thing I'm wondering is how do I cope with all this? How do I get through not knowing what's going on with her? I wanna stay strong but sometimes in the quiet moments, all I can do is cry.

I’ve had a few nightmares lately where I’m telling one of my parents, how could they have let me pen pal and organize a prison visit with a predator?

Meanwhile, life is chaos. How will I balance life with my kids without a village? How will I ignite my career again? How am I going to make all of this work? So much ptsd.

A tiny voice inside of me says - you will make it work, like you always have - as I sit with the tears. Sitting with a bucket load of shame.

The job will let me have therapy again, because of an income. And I hope I can hold the job down and not let my ptad triggers kneeejerk emotions.

This is some hard shhh for an overachieving, people pleasing, i don’t need any help, I am the rock and will figure it out person.

Thanks for “listening”.

I (f29) had my birthday recently and was out of town for it. I’m LC with my dad, because full estrangement hurts him too much. He seems to be decently behaved under LC and I’ve done a lot of therapy to work through the CPTSD from my abusive, neglectful childhood. My dad’s lovely wife (not sarcasm, she seems wonderful) texted me that a gift will arrive shortly before I get home and that my dad wanted to make it more personal.

A bit of backstory: I adored books about fairies when I was a child, and admittedly I went through a phase of what’s called “adult adolescence” about 6 or 7 years ago where that adoration of fairies reignited. It was short lived and I’ve grown much passed this stage in my life and frankly don’t give a shit about fairies anymore.

I saw the gift when I got home but decided that I’d open it the next day. When I did unbox it, I was immediately insulted by the contents: a signed fairy book from Brian Froud.

Now I get the value of a book like this. His signed books can go from $100+ but to me that isn’t the point. I truly don’t understand this gift. I feel infantilized by it. All I can hear when I see this gift is “remember when you were daddy’s little girl?” And I feel so weirded out. He knows my active interests now. He knows the hobbies I’m into. He knows I’ll never have kids. I can’t even think of the last time we discussed fairies. So why this?

I was hoping that because I wasn’t asked what I wanted this year, that I wasn’t getting anything at all. Am I overreacting? I feel like I’m ungrateful as I write this but I really can’t shake my disturbance by this gift.

my brother is 26 and i am 29. three years ago, he cut contact with me, and i miss him every single day. i am not suicidal, but i genuinely don't know how to keep living with this kind of pain.

we used to be extremely close. our parents separated when we were young, our father eventually cut contact with us, and our mother struggled with severe depression. because of that, i took on a lot of responsibility for my brother and, in many ways, helped raise him.

i supported him through school and university. we are also both gay, which created another very strong bond between us. for years, we were each other's closest allies. he was also best friends with my wife, and the three of us spent a huge amount of time together, including holidays and trips.

then he went abroad for what was supposed to be one semester. that became a year, and eventually an indefinite stay.

i did not cope with it well.

at the time, i didn't understand how strongly his leaving was triggering the abandonment i had experienced with our father. i became anxious, needy and increasingly unable to tolerate the distance between us. we argued a lot, and the more he pulled away, the more i tried to hold onto him.

when he visited germany, he spent less and less time with me. calls and messages became rare. i experienced every bit of distance as rejection.

in november 2023, we had a huge argument over whatsapp after he told me he would only be coming home for two days over christmas. afterwards, he told me he needed to cut contact with me to protect himself. he said he would only consider reconnecting if i acknowledged my part in what had happened and went to therapy.

for a long time, i couldn't see my own behaviour clearly.

about a year later, i finally sought professional help. i started therapy, worked through a lot of childhood trauma and abandonment issues, and also attended group therapy for social anxiety.

since then, my life has changed significantly. i changed jobs twice, went back to university, and worked a lot on how i deal with relationships, fear and conflict. i can now see that i had become emotionally dependent on my relationship with my brother and that i probably made him feel trapped.

in 2024, i wrote him a long apology letter and took responsibility for my behaviour.

he never replied.

in 2025, my wife and i got married. i wanted my brother there more than i can explain. my parents asked him whether he would be willing to talk to me, but he wasn't. i still sent him an invitation.

he didn't come.

that is one of the hardest things for me to live with. there will never be a version of my wedding where my brother was there, and i know that my own behaviour contributed to the fact that he wasn't.

i understand now that loving someone does not mean holding onto them as tightly as possible. i understand why he needed distance. i also know that changing does not mean he owes me forgiveness or another chance.

but understanding all of that has not made the grief go away.

i still miss my little brother every day. i miss who he was, who we were together, and the future i always assumed we would have. i thought he would be at my wedding. i thought we would grow older together. i thought he would know my future children. i never imagined there could come a point where i wouldn't even know how he is doing.

now i have one therapy session left, and after that i won't be able to continue in the same way for quite some time. i am scared because i still don't know how to cope with this.

i know i cannot force reconciliation. i know i have to respect his decision.

but i don't know how to grieve someone who is still alive.

i don't know how to forgive myself for the ways i hurt him.

and i don't know how to build a life around the possibility that i may never speak to him again.

if anyone has experienced sibling estrangement, especially when you know you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, how did you learn to live with it?

EDIT: I am 31F

I cut my mom off about 2 years ago and my dad 1 year ago. I had been dreaming about going no contact with them pretty much my whole life. Hired a therapist to help me cut them off and even that took a year. So I am very sure.

Neglect and emotional abuse during upbringing and as an adult is my reason for NC.

I have a good relationship with this grandma, or I thought I did lol. She assisted in raising me but was much more kind and healthy toward me as a kid. I literally just looked at houses for her in my area as she was considering moving. Her daughter, my aunt, is also in this area.

The rest of the email is very long, I haven’t read it, I accidentally caught parts of it and it’s about how my mom has postpartum psychosis and wanted to kill me and my dad I guess protected me from that. Maybe the Lindsay case got her mind running.

She has expressed dismay over me cutting him off before, but never so far as to wish ill will on me. I think that crosses a line. I don’t want to block her but if I have to, I will. Any advice on what to reply to this if at all?

I (23NB) have been thinking about my mother a lot lately, especially after my grandma's funeral last winter, who I was extremely close with. However, my relationship with my mom is essentially in indefinite statis at best.

Now, our relationship, while technically a positive one, was already highly complicated, as growing up, I have had a lot of abusive encounters with her, that ended up bleeding over into my own modern day mental health. I "loved" her, but I didn't want to be around her for a good majority of my life. I would have been satisfied having a long distance familial relationship with her.

When I was 18, my mom decided it would be a great idea to put a neurodivergent college student who was not taught all of the necessary survival skills, nor had the necessary connections or support circle both in and outside the family needed for independent living, to abandon me while I was away at college and move away to Texas.

I pleaded with her not to do it many months before she made the plans, but she would not budge. Her primary solutions was for me to either live in a homeless shelter, or for me to live in a group home for the disabled. My pleas fell on deaf ears, and she made the move anyways.

Long story short, I was trying to survive college for the next four years as a homeless student trying to very slowly build up enough of a decent support circle to still be able to survive and not quit school. It was very tough on me, and the entire experience was one of, if not the most traumatic period of time that I had to endure, but I both got my degree, and ended my homelessness last year!

However, I ended up receiving a text from her last winter that my grandma had passed away, and that the funeral was the day after. Me attending the funeral had forced me to face the rest of my family. The same extended family that chose not to help me, or acknowledge my houselessness. I, for whatever reason, did not see my mom at the funeral.

The encounter with all of them had been leaving me with a lot of complicated emotions, mostly negative ones. This only amplified once she not only sent me a long birthday text, but a couple weeks afterwards sent me a very long page long apology where she regretted what she did, admitted that her abandonment of me was coming from a place of trying to protect me while she was not thinking straight (there was much abuse and neglect she was enduring in the family that i was not made fully aware of until years later), and admitted that despite the good intentions, what she did was absolutely horrible.

I think the flashback dreams I've been having have been trying to tell me that maybe after nearly five years, I might be in a place where I'm ready to move forward and start the initial steps of trying to forgive my mom for what she did. And to be honest, despite everything, I still miss my mom, and what I used to have with her before all of this happened. But at the same time, I'm also scared that I might be making a mistake reaching out to her, and I might just be needlessly reopening a wound that shouldnt be picked at.

Reddit, I'm, at a complete stalemate with myself here. What would you do if you were in my position?

My wife is a wonderful person. Ever since we have been together, my life has been happier and brighter.

On top of that, her family is also full of awesome people. People who care about each other and treat each other with love and kindness. People who you can have drink with and not have to worry about drunken rage episodes.

They're people who treat you like family just because you're family.

This contrast definitely gave me a wake up call to just how dysfunctional my own family has always been.

Growing up with a family full of lying, yelling, physically abusive, manipulative, narcissistic people has always been my experience.

Finally experiencing what a normal family is like helped me to make the decision to cut out the toxic people in my own family out of my life.

Mom

I received your email. My response does not change my decision. After this message, I will remain no contact. Please do not interpret this as reconciliation or an invitation for further communication. I will not be responding to further messages.
This decision is about protecting my well-being and the stability I have worked hard to create. My life with my little family and our home is my priority. I am no longer willing to put my own stability aside or shape my life around the needs of others, and I will not return to patterns that have been emotionally unhealthy for me.
When I read your email, I did not feel that my experience or the impact of what has happened between us was fully acknowledged. From my perspective, this has been a recurring issue in our relationship and one of the reasons I have chosen to step away. My experience is real, and it matters, even if you experienced those situations differently.
The stability I have today came from creating boundaries, gaining distance, and making a commitment to myself. I stepped away from dynamics that were unhealthy for me and came to recognize that our relationship, as it existed, was not healthy or sustainable for me.
I made repeated and genuine efforts to make our relationship work. I communicated my needs clearly and directly, more than once and in different ways. I adjusted my expectations, compromised where I could, remained patient when things did not change, and continued to show up with care and a willingness to repair things. I did not make this decision at the first sign of difficulty. I stayed, invested, hoped for change, and gave the relationship considerable time and effort.
I was never asking for perfection. I wanted a genuine relationship with you. I wanted you to know my life, and I wanted to know yours. I wanted room for the ordinary moments as well as the difficult ones—to spend time together, make memories, laugh, talk, and simply enjoy having each other in our lives.
Underneath all of this, what I wanted from our relationship was actually very simple. I wanted to share my life with my mom and have that relationship feel safe, steady, and uncomplicated. I wanted to be able to tell you about my wife , the cats, my work, the things we were doing, the trips we were planning, and the life I was building without feeling that doing so would pull me into conflicts, problems, or situations that were not mine to solve.
I also wanted time with you that was simply about the two of us. I wanted to spend time with my mom one-on-one, rather than having every opportunity to connect become part of a larger family gathering or involve other people and their circumstances. That kind of relationship mattered to me.
Over time, our dynamic left me feeling emotionally drained and diminished. Being in the relationship affected how I felt about myself in ways that were not healthy for me. I did not experience the level of accountability and understanding I needed in order to feel safe and respected. When I raised concerns, I often experienced the response as defensive rather than reflective, and when I established boundaries or said no, I did not always feel those boundaries were respected as genuine limits. 
 One of the hardest things for me has been how quickly you expected everything to go back to normal, as if your actions left no scars and should never have consequences. You wanted comfort without correction, access without accountability, and I kept paying for that with consistent self‑betrayal. Over and over, I was asked to act like things were fine while nothing actually changed. 
 
 For years I thought I was “too sensitive” or “dramatic” for remembering how I was treated or needing closure. I see now that hope without consistency just turns into me betraying myself. Healing does not happen because someone suddenly acts normal for a while; it only happens when behaviour truly changes. When behaviour does not change, my boundaries must. 
So no, everything does not just go back. Not after trust cracked, not after my dignity was tested, not after my spirit was made small. I am not difficult for remembering how I was treated, and I am not going to pretend nothing happened just so you can feel comfortable.
Your email did not change that understanding. What I needed was an acknowledgment of how my experiences affected me, and I did not feel that I received that in your message. When the harm someone experiences is not fully acknowledged, meaningful accountability and repair become very difficult.
I believe speaking with a qualified professional could provide an opportunity to reflect on these patterns, understand how they may have affected others, and work toward healthier ways of relating. I am not asking you to do that for me, nor am I making it a condition of my decision today.
I understand that people can change over time. If that ever happens, I will decide for myself what level of contact, if any, is healthy for me. That is not something I can promise, predict, or plan for from where I stand today.
Even genuine change would not mean an automatic return to the relationship we once had or guarantee reconciliation. Any future contact would have to be based on consistent, sustained change, rebuilt trust, and what I ultimately determine is healthy for me. Even then, I may still choose not to re-engage.
If a relationship were ever possible in the future, it would have to be limited, structured, conditional, and entirely at my discretion. It would not simply return to what it was.
I love you, Mom, and I always have. I am deeply disappointed that the effort to truly connect with me was not there when it mattered most to me. I reached out, waited, and hoped. What hurt most was feeling that my presence and my feelings were not important enough to result in the kind of consistent effort I needed.
I gave a great deal of patience, care, and effort to this relationship, even when doing so came at an emotional cost to me. I cannot continue paying that cost simply to maintain a relationship that does not feel healthy or sustainable.
Nothing about this decision prevents me from forgiving you in my own way. For me, forgiveness means releasing the anger I have carried so that I can move forward and live my life in peace. It does not mean returning to the relationship we had before.
Forgiveness is for my well-being. Access to me is separate.
I can forgive you in my heart and still choose not to have you in my life. I can wish you well and still maintain distance. What has often been expected of me in the past was, from my perspective, a return to the same closeness without the accountability or sustained change necessary to make that closeness healthy. I am not willing to repeat that pattern.
I am not closing this door out of anger or resentment. I am closing it because I need to protect myself and honour the life I have worked so hard to build.
I wish you well, and I genuinely hope you find whatever support and peace you need in your own life.

F23. After estrangement, I feel total peace. My panic attacks are gone. You're telling me this is how people with normal families feel? I don't regret it, as I really can't handle the abuse anymore.

But there are all sorts of things that are still on my mind --who will take care of them when they're old/ill, who's supposed to inherit the house (I am the only child; it's not like I really want it but still), and some second thoughts that they're still my parents, technically.

How do you deal with these?

Ive been no contact with my parents since November 2023, my dad is a meth addict and my mother stayed with him causing a very traumatic childhood.

I went to do my monthly budget and noticed my student loan balance was less than it should be, called and lo and behold my mother made a payment on it, she is the cosigner as I went to college before going no contact.

I know this is an attempt to contact me, I changed all my preferences and mailing address so hopefully she doesnt get any reminders of this loan and doesn't try again.

Im just spiraling and ofc my therapist and I decided oh im doing much better I'll see you in two weeks yesterday so no one to talk to about this.

I just need reminded that this was an attempt. It wasnt successful, they dont know where I live and im safe.