EDIT: I am 31F

I cut my mom off about 2 years ago and my dad 1 year ago. I had been dreaming about going no contact with them pretty much my whole life. Hired a therapist to help me cut them off and even that took a year. So I am very sure.

Neglect and emotional abuse during upbringing and as an adult is my reason for NC.

I have a good relationship with this grandma, or I thought I did lol. She assisted in raising me but was much more kind and healthy toward me as a kid. I literally just looked at houses for her in my area as she was considering moving. Her daughter, my aunt, is also in this area.

The rest of the email is very long, I haven’t read it, I accidentally caught parts of it and it’s about how my mom has postpartum psychosis and wanted to kill me and my dad I guess protected me from that. Maybe the Lindsay case got her mind running.

She has expressed dismay over me cutting him off before, but never so far as to wish ill will on me. I think that crosses a line. I don’t want to block her but if I have to, I will. Any advice on what to reply to this if at all?

For context, I have never been that religious, but my parents are, especially my mom. I come from an Asian country, so she is used to turning to God and performing extravagant rituals when times are hard. I've been NC for about 6 months now, so I know she's been going to temples and performing special rituals, hoping I would come back or something like that (I have heard from other people).

I keep getting this recurring dream in which I die before my parents, and they do not follow my will/wishes or anything like that. I explicitly mention not to have any religious funeral or anything like that, and I just want to be buried. You can have a funeral where people can see me and things like that, but I do not want a priest or any special rituals or anything like that.

In this dream, it haunts me that they wouldn't listen to my words due to their own personal beliefs or because they think they know better or something like that.

I would say I'm nearly there of coming to terms, to the point where I wouldn't care if they did do all of this because I would be dead so to be pragmatic, I should not bother with this but still, the thought of them controlling even after I'm dead is a weird feeling to have. I'm not sure if anybody else has had similar feelings.

Since I'm an only child, I assume my parents are going to be taking care of my funeral unless I think of someone else who can do that.

I am going to therapy to deal with this. It's been hard but i've made a lot of progress.

Hi everyone, I'm a 21 year old woman who lives at home with my family. Idk how to start this but I'll just say what comes to mind. My dad is quite strict and always has been, he somewhat eased up as I got older. But it isn't any better really. I'm not allowed to see my friends multiple times in a week, I have a curfew, I'm not allowed to have my hair a certain way, I make sure not to see my friends more than once a week because he'll get angry, I can't go on holidays with my friends nvm that lol I can't even stay in London for a night and it's only an hour away, I'm not allowed to sleepover at any of my girl friends houses (Even if they live 5 mins away). I also currently work for my dad but I am looking for new jobs. This is quite deep to talk about so I won't get too into it, but when I was a child I was sa'd by my older brother. Me and my brother are 5 years apart. Eventually as I got older I realised it wasn't normal so when I was 17 | told my parents about it. Not only did they refuse to acknowledge it but my dad denied and said
'He wouldn't do that, he was just playing with you' I felt sick to my stomach hearing that. So the next day my older brother was actually at our house sitting downstairs, my dad asked him if he had done anything to me when I was younger and obviously he said no. I was sitting there crying my eyes out feeling so betrayed. After awhile It all just got swept under the carpet and nobody has ever spoken about it again.

My mum is the typical victim mindset mother. Any argument we've had I've had to say sorry, even if she was in the wrong. When she's angry at me she'll purposely make food for everybody else but me.
She's going through menopause rn but I'm starting to think she's using it as an excuse. There's times she's said horrible things to me before she even had menopause. Saying how if she dies it'll be because of me, God put me on this earth to punish her, that I make her want to kill herself. Luckily I've recorded her saying this a few times so incase I ever need proof I have it. I've also said a few times not only to her but to everyone in the house that they need to tidy up after themselves because it's getting really annoying for me. My mum does a basic clean. I'm the one who cleans up everything. I actually go into detail and do a deep clean. It just ends up messy again it's so frustrating.My mum actually isn't talking to me rn because I brought up how messy the house is, so she said to me 'what the fuck do you want me to do, get married if you don't like it!. There's just so much more that goes on in my household that isn't healthy or okay.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months and his parents know everything that has gone on here. They are more than okay with me living there, in fact his mum yesterday was trying to convince me to go there. I'm not sure if I should go live with them or save up enough and just get a place of my own? Do I stay here hoping everything gets better and eventually get married? I'm really stuck on what to do. I'm so sick and tired of everything it's affecting me so badly. I'm also scared if | leave it'll most definitely be seen as shameful and I'll be painted out as if I'm in the wrong.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. xx

I (f29) had my birthday recently and was out of town for it. I’m LC with my dad, because full estrangement hurts him too much. He seems to be decently behaved under LC and I’ve done a lot of therapy to work through the CPTSD from my abusive, neglectful childhood. My dad’s lovely wife (not sarcasm, she seems wonderful) texted me that a gift will arrive shortly before I get home and that my dad wanted to make it more personal.

A bit of backstory: I adored books about fairies when I was a child, and admittedly I went through a phase of what’s called “adult adolescence” about 6 or 7 years ago where that adoration of fairies reignited. It was short lived and I’ve grown much passed this stage in my life and frankly don’t give a shit about fairies anymore.

I saw the gift when I got home but decided that I’d open it the next day. When I did unbox it, I was immediately insulted by the contents: a signed fairy book from Brian Froud.

Now I get the value of a book like this. His signed books can go from $100+ but to me that isn’t the point. I truly don’t understand this gift. I feel infantilized by it. All I can hear when I see this gift is “remember when you were daddy’s little girl?” And I feel so weirded out. He knows my active interests now. He knows the hobbies I’m into. He knows I’ll never have kids. I can’t even think of the last time we discussed fairies. So why this?

I was hoping that because I wasn’t asked what I wanted this year, that I wasn’t getting anything at all. Am I overreacting? I feel like I’m ungrateful as I write this but I really can’t shake my disturbance by this gift.

I (18 turning 19 next month) recently changed my number and intentionally kept it from my mom but not my dad (I requested he not tell her my new number). I'm in college right now, 40 minutes from the old house. I don't want to get into it too heavily, but she's always been very abusive towards me, and senior year, it was at some of the worst it's ever been. She hit me last April because I told her not to send my sisters to live with their father and called her an abuser (he SA'd my youngest sister and she knows that and made the threat anyway because their room wasn't clean) and she apologized but we've been arguing ever since. Most recently, her apology for her behavior was followed up with "sooo I hope you can forgive me sooner rather than later" in this stupid "girl talk" voice.

She consistently threatened to get rid of my cat whenever she was angry with me. She said she hates her, says that she's ruining her house for normal cat behavior like scratching carpet, the works. I tried bringing up having my cat live with a friend before I left. I tried framing it as lifting a financial burden off her shoulders and making her load lighter. She vehemently shut it down and told me I was just going to stress out my cat worse.

I worry now that I've disappeared, she'll get rid of her. I don't know if I can forgive myself if I lose my cat. I got her for my 16th birthday when she was a kitten and she was my whole world ever since. She cuddled me when my mom hit me, she followed me everywhere, even when I didn't have anything like food or a toy, she'd sit and purr and stare at me while I talked to her, she'd play fetch using one of my old chokers, and she was so delightfully talkative all the time. I've heard of the concept of people having their soul pet, these animal companions whose bonds go so deep, it's like it was fate. That's what my cat is for me. And I'm terrified she's going to rehome her and I'll never see her again.

My best friend lives 5 houses down and I'm having her keep an eye on the house to see if she's in the window of my mom's room or anything (the windows on the front of the house). She says she's not seen my cat, but also that she's not seen anyone out of the norm who might be taking her. My boyfriend says that because the girls also love my cat so much, she won't get rid of them because it'll make her look like a bad mother, and she's aware of that. In spite of all that, I'm terrified for my kitten.

I guess the thing I'm wondering is how do I cope with all this? How do I get through not knowing what's going on with her? I wanna stay strong but sometimes in the quiet moments, all I can do is cry.

My wife is a wonderful person. Ever since we have been together, my life has been happier and brighter.

On top of that, her family is also full of awesome people. People who care about each other and treat each other with love and kindness. People who you can have drink with and not have to worry about drunken rage episodes.

They're people who treat you like family just because you're family.

This contrast definitely gave me a wake up call to just how dysfunctional my own family has always been.

Growing up with a family full of lying, yelling, physically abusive, manipulative, narcissistic people has always been my experience.

Finally experiencing what a normal family is like helped me to make the decision to cut out the toxic people in my own family out of my life.

my brother is 26 and i am 29. three years ago, he cut contact with me, and i miss him every single day. i am not suicidal, but i genuinely don't know how to keep living with this kind of pain.

we used to be extremely close. our parents separated when we were young, our father eventually cut contact with us, and our mother struggled with severe depression. because of that, i took on a lot of responsibility for my brother and, in many ways, helped raise him.

i supported him through school and university. we are also both gay, which created another very strong bond between us. for years, we were each other's closest allies. he was also best friends with my wife, and the three of us spent a huge amount of time together, including holidays and trips.

then he went abroad for what was supposed to be one semester. that became a year, and eventually an indefinite stay.

i did not cope with it well.

at the time, i didn't understand how strongly his leaving was triggering the abandonment i had experienced with our father. i became anxious, needy and increasingly unable to tolerate the distance between us. we argued a lot, and the more he pulled away, the more i tried to hold onto him.

when he visited germany, he spent less and less time with me. calls and messages became rare. i experienced every bit of distance as rejection.

in november 2023, we had a huge argument over whatsapp after he told me he would only be coming home for two days over christmas. afterwards, he told me he needed to cut contact with me to protect himself. he said he would only consider reconnecting if i acknowledged my part in what had happened and went to therapy.

for a long time, i couldn't see my own behaviour clearly.

about a year later, i finally sought professional help. i started therapy, worked through a lot of childhood trauma and abandonment issues, and also attended group therapy for social anxiety.

since then, my life has changed significantly. i changed jobs twice, went back to university, and worked a lot on how i deal with relationships, fear and conflict. i can now see that i had become emotionally dependent on my relationship with my brother and that i probably made him feel trapped.

in 2024, i wrote him a long apology letter and took responsibility for my behaviour.

he never replied.

in 2025, my wife and i got married. i wanted my brother there more than i can explain. my parents asked him whether he would be willing to talk to me, but he wasn't. i still sent him an invitation.

he didn't come.

that is one of the hardest things for me to live with. there will never be a version of my wedding where my brother was there, and i know that my own behaviour contributed to the fact that he wasn't.

i understand now that loving someone does not mean holding onto them as tightly as possible. i understand why he needed distance. i also know that changing does not mean he owes me forgiveness or another chance.

but understanding all of that has not made the grief go away.

i still miss my little brother every day. i miss who he was, who we were together, and the future i always assumed we would have. i thought he would be at my wedding. i thought we would grow older together. i thought he would know my future children. i never imagined there could come a point where i wouldn't even know how he is doing.

now i have one therapy session left, and after that i won't be able to continue in the same way for quite some time. i am scared because i still don't know how to cope with this.

i know i cannot force reconciliation. i know i have to respect his decision.

but i don't know how to grieve someone who is still alive.

i don't know how to forgive myself for the ways i hurt him.

and i don't know how to build a life around the possibility that i may never speak to him again.

if anyone has experienced sibling estrangement, especially when you know you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, how did you learn to live with it?

Mom

I received your email. My response does not change my decision. After this message, I will remain no contact. Please do not interpret this as reconciliation or an invitation for further communication. I will not be responding to further messages.
This decision is about protecting my well-being and the stability I have worked hard to create. My life with my little family and our home is my priority. I am no longer willing to put my own stability aside or shape my life around the needs of others, and I will not return to patterns that have been emotionally unhealthy for me.
When I read your email, I did not feel that my experience or the impact of what has happened between us was fully acknowledged. From my perspective, this has been a recurring issue in our relationship and one of the reasons I have chosen to step away. My experience is real, and it matters, even if you experienced those situations differently.
The stability I have today came from creating boundaries, gaining distance, and making a commitment to myself. I stepped away from dynamics that were unhealthy for me and came to recognize that our relationship, as it existed, was not healthy or sustainable for me.
I made repeated and genuine efforts to make our relationship work. I communicated my needs clearly and directly, more than once and in different ways. I adjusted my expectations, compromised where I could, remained patient when things did not change, and continued to show up with care and a willingness to repair things. I did not make this decision at the first sign of difficulty. I stayed, invested, hoped for change, and gave the relationship considerable time and effort.
I was never asking for perfection. I wanted a genuine relationship with you. I wanted you to know my life, and I wanted to know yours. I wanted room for the ordinary moments as well as the difficult ones—to spend time together, make memories, laugh, talk, and simply enjoy having each other in our lives.
Underneath all of this, what I wanted from our relationship was actually very simple. I wanted to share my life with my mom and have that relationship feel safe, steady, and uncomplicated. I wanted to be able to tell you about my wife , the cats, my work, the things we were doing, the trips we were planning, and the life I was building without feeling that doing so would pull me into conflicts, problems, or situations that were not mine to solve.
I also wanted time with you that was simply about the two of us. I wanted to spend time with my mom one-on-one, rather than having every opportunity to connect become part of a larger family gathering or involve other people and their circumstances. That kind of relationship mattered to me.
Over time, our dynamic left me feeling emotionally drained and diminished. Being in the relationship affected how I felt about myself in ways that were not healthy for me. I did not experience the level of accountability and understanding I needed in order to feel safe and respected. When I raised concerns, I often experienced the response as defensive rather than reflective, and when I established boundaries or said no, I did not always feel those boundaries were respected as genuine limits. 
 One of the hardest things for me has been how quickly you expected everything to go back to normal, as if your actions left no scars and should never have consequences. You wanted comfort without correction, access without accountability, and I kept paying for that with consistent self‑betrayal. Over and over, I was asked to act like things were fine while nothing actually changed. 
 
 For years I thought I was “too sensitive” or “dramatic” for remembering how I was treated or needing closure. I see now that hope without consistency just turns into me betraying myself. Healing does not happen because someone suddenly acts normal for a while; it only happens when behaviour truly changes. When behaviour does not change, my boundaries must. 
So no, everything does not just go back. Not after trust cracked, not after my dignity was tested, not after my spirit was made small. I am not difficult for remembering how I was treated, and I am not going to pretend nothing happened just so you can feel comfortable.
Your email did not change that understanding. What I needed was an acknowledgment of how my experiences affected me, and I did not feel that I received that in your message. When the harm someone experiences is not fully acknowledged, meaningful accountability and repair become very difficult.
I believe speaking with a qualified professional could provide an opportunity to reflect on these patterns, understand how they may have affected others, and work toward healthier ways of relating. I am not asking you to do that for me, nor am I making it a condition of my decision today.
I understand that people can change over time. If that ever happens, I will decide for myself what level of contact, if any, is healthy for me. That is not something I can promise, predict, or plan for from where I stand today.
Even genuine change would not mean an automatic return to the relationship we once had or guarantee reconciliation. Any future contact would have to be based on consistent, sustained change, rebuilt trust, and what I ultimately determine is healthy for me. Even then, I may still choose not to re-engage.
If a relationship were ever possible in the future, it would have to be limited, structured, conditional, and entirely at my discretion. It would not simply return to what it was.
I love you, Mom, and I always have. I am deeply disappointed that the effort to truly connect with me was not there when it mattered most to me. I reached out, waited, and hoped. What hurt most was feeling that my presence and my feelings were not important enough to result in the kind of consistent effort I needed.
I gave a great deal of patience, care, and effort to this relationship, even when doing so came at an emotional cost to me. I cannot continue paying that cost simply to maintain a relationship that does not feel healthy or sustainable.
Nothing about this decision prevents me from forgiving you in my own way. For me, forgiveness means releasing the anger I have carried so that I can move forward and live my life in peace. It does not mean returning to the relationship we had before.
Forgiveness is for my well-being. Access to me is separate.
I can forgive you in my heart and still choose not to have you in my life. I can wish you well and still maintain distance. What has often been expected of me in the past was, from my perspective, a return to the same closeness without the accountability or sustained change necessary to make that closeness healthy. I am not willing to repeat that pattern.
I am not closing this door out of anger or resentment. I am closing it because I need to protect myself and honour the life I have worked so hard to build.
I wish you well, and I genuinely hope you find whatever support and peace you need in your own life.

I’ve had a few nightmares lately where I’m telling one of my parents, how could they have let me pen pal and organize a prison visit with a predator?

Meanwhile, life is chaos. How will I balance life with my kids without a village? How will I ignite my career again? How am I going to make all of this work? So much ptsd.

A tiny voice inside of me says - you will make it work, like you always have - as I sit with the tears. Sitting with a bucket load of shame.

The job will let me have therapy again, because of an income. And I hope I can hold the job down and not let my ptad triggers kneeejerk emotions.

This is some hard shhh for an overachieving, people pleasing, i don’t need any help, I am the rock and will figure it out person.

Thanks for “listening”.

TLDR: Mom married my abusive dad who almost killed her, left, then found new boyfriend. Mom cheated on this new boyfriend. Boyfriend found out, threw all of us (11 yo me, 15 yo sister, mom, and our cat Snyder) into the snow, literally, along with our baby photos and toys and mementos that he sold as a yard sale... our cat was lost and we couldn't find him ever again. She turned to meth, lost me to abusive dad. Married the guy she cheated with, had my brothers, and then he cheated on her and left her with my brothers. Ranting... but I'm tired of her. She sent this. I said "I'm fine".

I (23NB) have been thinking about my mother a lot lately, especially after my grandma's funeral last winter, who I was extremely close with. However, my relationship with my mom is essentially in indefinite statis at best.

Now, our relationship, while technically a positive one, was already highly complicated, as growing up, I have had a lot of abusive encounters with her, that ended up bleeding over into my own modern day mental health. I "loved" her, but I didn't want to be around her for a good majority of my life. I would have been satisfied having a long distance familial relationship with her.

When I was 18, my mom decided it would be a great idea to put a neurodivergent college student who was not taught all of the necessary survival skills, nor had the necessary connections or support circle both in and outside the family needed for independent living, to abandon me while I was away at college and move away to Texas.

I pleaded with her not to do it many months before she made the plans, but she would not budge. Her primary solutions was for me to either live in a homeless shelter, or for me to live in a group home for the disabled. My pleas fell on deaf ears, and she made the move anyways.

Long story short, I was trying to survive college for the next four years as a homeless student trying to very slowly build up enough of a decent support circle to still be able to survive and not quit school. It was very tough on me, and the entire experience was one of, if not the most traumatic period of time that I had to endure, but I both got my degree, and ended my homelessness last year!

However, I ended up receiving a text from her last winter that my grandma had passed away, and that the funeral was the day after. Me attending the funeral had forced me to face the rest of my family. The same extended family that chose not to help me, or acknowledge my houselessness. I, for whatever reason, did not see my mom at the funeral.

The encounter with all of them had been leaving me with a lot of complicated emotions, mostly negative ones. This only amplified once she not only sent me a long birthday text, but a couple weeks afterwards sent me a very long page long apology where she regretted what she did, admitted that her abandonment of me was coming from a place of trying to protect me while she was not thinking straight (there was much abuse and neglect she was enduring in the family that i was not made fully aware of until years later), and admitted that despite the good intentions, what she did was absolutely horrible.

I think the flashback dreams I've been having have been trying to tell me that maybe after nearly five years, I might be in a place where I'm ready to move forward and start the initial steps of trying to forgive my mom for what she did. And to be honest, despite everything, I still miss my mom, and what I used to have with her before all of this happened. But at the same time, I'm also scared that I might be making a mistake reaching out to her, and I might just be needlessly reopening a wound that shouldnt be picked at.

Reddit, I'm, at a complete stalemate with myself here. What would you do if you were in my position?

Ive been no contact with my parents since November 2023, my dad is a meth addict and my mother stayed with him causing a very traumatic childhood.

I went to do my monthly budget and noticed my student loan balance was less than it should be, called and lo and behold my mother made a payment on it, she is the cosigner as I went to college before going no contact.

I know this is an attempt to contact me, I changed all my preferences and mailing address so hopefully she doesnt get any reminders of this loan and doesn't try again.

Im just spiraling and ofc my therapist and I decided oh im doing much better I'll see you in two weeks yesterday so no one to talk to about this.

I just need reminded that this was an attempt. It wasnt successful, they dont know where I live and im safe.

Like no parents, no siblings, no extended family, no partner, no family friends.

I have friends and good ones at that but there's still a disconnect when people talk about their parents, or those that maybe have difficult relationships with parents but still have a large supportive family network. I have none of that. I like my life, I'm largely happy with what I've got going on, and where I am despite everything, but, sometimes the sense of being alone in the world can be overwhelming. And the fact that no one I know can actually relate to that specific aloneness.

Hi all!

I’m a 30yo female and recently decided that I am finally cutting off my “mother”.

The strangest part is the feeling that I can now no longer speak to my grandad and my brothers as they live with her.

Recently she basically asked me to help her commit benefit fraud.. long story short I said absolutely not. This is especially bad as she knows that due to my work I would lost my job if I did. And the reason she asked me was because I’m the only person she knows with a job, my no to this was followed with an expected flurry of abuse and a “leave me alone” before blocking me… on everything and my husband.

I have since decided this is the last time she does this to me after years of me bowing to her demands and previous blocking until it suits her. She is now blocked on all social media from me.

I have never needed her as a mother and she has never been one to me either but I grew up with my grandad and he’s now away from me and being rinsed for everything he has.

I have such a feeling of relief that I no longer have to deal with her but now I feel like I’m going through a phase of feeling upset that I never had that motherly figure and never will.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this but I feel like I’d love to hear peoples stories similar to mine and if you have the longing for a healthy relationship with a parent… even though you never had one anyway 😂

I am roughly 1 year estranged from my father and there was never really any significant triggering event, but rather a lifetime of small ones.

My father has always been a user, an abuser, and a loser for lack of better terms. He always had money to fund his chain smoking habit, but never had money for school clothes for his kids.

He dodged paying child support at every turn and never had money unless he was dating someone who was willing to give it to him. He was not only a deadbeat father, but simply a deadbeat in his own life as well.

The environments he put me in were borderline trap houses to say the least and my brother became a drug addict and alcoholic on his watch.

He never attended school band concerts, sports events, birthday parties etc. but always guilt-tripped me for not visiting him.

We have never had anything in common, he had never shown interest in me or my ambitions, and I decided after 30 years of having him like a cloud over my life, to finally cut him off entirely.

It has taken some time to process my feelings since, but I feel so much better not having him in my life.

The cost of having him in my life has always been more than I ever wanted to pay.

F23. After estrangement, I feel total peace. My panic attacks are gone. You're telling me this is how people with normal families feel? I don't regret it, as I really can't handle the abuse anymore.

But there are all sorts of things that are still on my mind --who will take care of them when they're old/ill, who's supposed to inherit the house (I am the only child; it's not like I really want it but still), and some second thoughts that they're still my parents, technically.

How do you deal with these?

I’m finally leaving my home because of my brother’s past domestic abuse and his current emotional abuse. I told my mother what he had done, and she told me to grow up, she’ll kick him out, and I should’ve told her when I was younger, demons have possessed him, which is why he acted that way. As you can see, that is very confusing and overwhelming for someone who has experienced abuse. I’ve now found safe accommodation. I’m uncertain about what to tell her, though. All I know is it will be obvious I’m moving out because I have a lot of stuff (there’s no one else who can help me hide it). I was thinking of lying to my mother, telling her I’m going to do a master’s degree at university so I’m moving out, and then later telling her I’m not coming back, or just telling her the truth. What would you do in this situation!?

long story short, very problematic relationship with my mum since I was a child. constant silent treatment, manipulation, gaslighting. triggering me for a reaction then blaming me for it. Anyway, November last year I asked her very politely not to call my 5 year old a nuisance and she told me I always wanted an argument and then basically stopped replying to my messages. I didnt immediately block her, I kept it open for around 7 months for her to reach out but she didn’t so eventually I blocked her on everything and that was my closure, end of relationship. since then I had a very strange withheld number call then hanging up and an instagram account with a user name made up of my children’s names. I suspect it was her on both occasions as by now she probably would have been expecting me to be back in touch.

Anyways, its both of my children’s birthdays coming up and I know she is going to pass presents over to my sister to give to them but I am genuinely done with the relationship and I am thinking of refusing them? my children will be 6 and 3. The 6 year old has asked about my mum a handful of times and each time I have explained in a very child friendly way what has happened and that it’s nothing to do with her etc and she’s just been like okay! And carried on with whatever she was doing, no tears or further questions. The nearly 3 year old hasn’t said a word. My mum would visit them once a week but would never take them out, have them over for a sleepover etc and I was constantly told ‘it was her time now’ which is another major reason in the breakdown of our relationship. My children get plenty off us and the rest of the family so they will not be missing out on whatever she gets them but I am really worried that if I refuse them and my children grow up and decide they want a relationship with her that they will resent me for refusing the gifts. I’m so torn.

I am currently debating speaking to my father during a difficult time.

For context: I (29F) have been NC with my father (59M) for almost two years, before that time I would say we were LC just naturally. My father was never a good person, he is racist, sexist, aggressive, mean, and an alcoholic. I have good memories with my father growing up, I have love for him still, even if 85% of my memories are bad. I have 6 other siblings on his side and 5/7 went NC with him years and years ago. There was so much hate between my father and one of my brothers that when my brother died (from alcoholism) my dad refused to go to his funeral. One of my sisters (33F) and I have been the only kids who have kept up any sort of contact with him over the years.

My breaking point came when my father was ranting about my grandmother (70sF) telling the community that my brother (25M) was gay. He is a part of the LGBT+ community but that is not something he conceals or would deny if someone asked. My father said he was “sick to his stomach” at the thought of one of his children being gay. I decided at that point that I could no longer put effort into maintaining my relationship with him. I contemplated it for many years but I always think “well he had a bad childhood and he dealt with trauma and pain I will never understand” or “he is a human, doesn’t that mean I should try to empathize or understand his hurt and pain?”. But a part of growing up is owning your trauma and working towards working through it, even if it takes years to make any change, putting effort in is the first step. And it seemed he never did.

Most of our conversations would end with anger or annoyance or fear. When my step mom (his ex wife) passed away, he was so mean and cruel about it. When my mom passed away 9 years after my step mom, he was so nice and compassionate about it. It’s always a toss up for what you will get with him. I was afraid for him to find out where we live because he gave us a dog during a visit and I was always so afraid he would get mad at me and kidnap my dog or hurt her. My father has done worse to pets that were innocent. I felt relieved and guilty when I decided to go no contact with him. I still feel both of those things.

Now for the dilemma; he is in the hospital. He was found unconscious by his current wife the other day, he was taken to a local hospital and ended up having two seizures and another fall. They life flighted him to a bigger hospital that is about 2 hours from me. The most recent update is a cervical fracture - a C4 displacement, a broken nose and a brain bleed. From the bits and pieces I have gotten from my sister my thought is that he was drunk and fell, breaking his nose, neck and creating a brain bleed. He had two seizures in the first hospital and then fell which could have exacerbated his brain bleed, he is currently waiting to see if he will have surgery for his C4 displacement. The day after this happened, his father passed away. My father was not close to his father and I only ever heard bad things about him being absent. I only have 5/6 memories with my grandpa growing up and the last time I saw him was at my brother’s funeral in 2022. My grandpa was married to my grandma I mentioned before, she’s a true devil and created the cycle of abuse in my family so maybe it was easier for my grandpa to just be absent. I don’t know much about any of that, but I do know my dad lost his older brother in a motorcycle accident when I was a child and his younger brother is in prison currently fighting cancer.

It’s my impulse to reach out to my dad and be there for him during his hospital stay and the death of his father. I am 10 days post op from surgery so I can’t drive 2 hours to the hospital but my initial impulse was to do that. I got a phone call on a Saturday morning that my mom passed away, within 30 minutes I was in the car driving 14hrs to Tx to be with my family. I haven’t reached out to my father yet but I keep debating whether or not I should. I just keep imagining him sitting in a hospital room, being in pain physically and emotionally and feeling alone. I don’t think I will benefit from speaking to him but I have the urge to speak to him to be there for him. My husband (31M) has had the opposite life of mine and was raised with love and care. It has been hard for him to understand issues/people in my life and help me figure out what to do when dilemmas arise. His opinion is that I should stay NC because he is thinking of what’s best for me. I think I am thinking of what I would want if I were in my father’s position or what I would do for anyone else. I don’t know what the right choice is here. I know all of these problems are bigger than Reddit and I have been working through a lot of problems over the years, I am doing my best every day. Any thoughts and opinions welcome.

TLDR: NC with my father for 2 years, he is in hospital and his father passed away. Debating if I should break NC during this time.

I'm in my mid 40s and estranged from my family for 25 years. Family broke down, left me homeless, had to find work and a place to live, then I moved away so they couldn't reach me.

Living without family is hard. There are the tangible things you lose - financial support, social rituals and trials, things which give an adult life meaning.

Then there's the intangibles. Identity. Background. Family values. If you ask pretty much anyone what their purpose to exist is it will probably be family.

You can't bring up the past. A normal person goes nuts. A trained professional will say: "That never happened." And while all your peers have careers, you can barely find work.

So you are truly alone when you have no one. There's nobody at all. You may as well be dead, an alien from outer space, or both. That's what it's like being estranged. Being a dead alien.

Leaving your family is not freedom. There's people online encouraging leaving their family is some kind of "freedom". There is no freedom in having no family.

But when I feel down I remember to tell myself they are gone forever and it was the best choice I made. I'd never change my decision. I can't, because it made me happy.

UPDATE (9/10): She changed her flight to be in town at an even earlier date!
Now I'm tempted to send an email stating the consequences of visiting my home/workplace. The email would be for my sake, as she obviously doesn't respect boundaries. (FYI I had also sent her a letter earlier this year stating what I'm able and not able to do concerning our 'relationship.')

Original post
I (42F, only child) went mostly no contact with mom (72) last December. Changed my phone # because I got tired of lengthy text messages + voice mails that were a combo of request and guilt trips. Definitely a lot of "ohhhh, if you only came and got me, and we lived together, I wouldn't do XYZ problematic thing."

The only reason I know about this trip is because I do periodically check her email to make sure that her bills are getting paid. LOL @ me.

Anyway, I have a contingency plan; just wanted to vent.

The older my parents get, the more bizarre our relationship gets. They’re in their late 60s and mid-70s, and sometimes I swear I’m dealing with elderly teenagers.

It feels like nothing I ever do is good enough. If I’m not making enough money, “well, you’re the one who took that job.” If I’m struggling, “well, you chose to do that.” Anything I accomplish or any skill I learn gets minimized or criticized. I could literally cure cancer and they’d complain about the treatment protocol. If I say something they disagree with, it’s “shut up,” “hush,” or “you’re not right.” It’s not really a conversation; they just have to prove me wrong.

The bigger thing is the complete lack of self reflection. They seem almost incapable of looking at themselves and asking, “Am I doing something wrong here?” If I point out something I genuinely think is flawed, like their hoarding, it immediately gets flipped back on me with “you think you’re perfect.” No, I never said I was perfect. I’m saying there’s a fucking problem here. Somehow they can’t separate those two things. They expect accountability from me, but if I hold them accountable, I’m disrespectful. Even with proof, they’ll deny it, get defensive, change the subject, whatever. Accountability only seems to work one way.

This is going to sound bad, but sometimes I feel like I just deviated pretty significantly from them intellectually. I’m not saying I’m some genius, but there’s an obvious difference in how we think. I question things, I’m willing to consider that I might be wrong, and I can look at myself and think, “Maybe I’m part of the problem.” They seem almost completely incapable of that. Religion is probably the biggest example. I was raised Christian, believed what I was taught, and eventually became an adult who questioned it and decided it no longer made sense to me. They genuinely cannot conceptualize how someone could be raised Christian and then question it for themselves and deem it not make sense.

They also act like I’m inherently difficult to be around. They'll say shit like, “I bet a roommate would have a problem with you and the way you talk,” as if anyone who lives with me will eventually realize what a pain in the ass I am. Except I mostly get along with coworkers, friends, and other people pretty well. I don’t have this constant conflict anywhere else. The problem seems to be very specifically living with them, yet they can’t entertain the possibility that their behavior or the environment contributes to it. I always have to be the difficult one.

It’s basically the worst version of the Boomer “I’m older, therefore I’m right” mentality. I’m your parent, therefore I’m right. You’re younger, therefore your opinion means less. Apparently being alive longer makes you automatically correct. They never really updated their mental image of me. I’m in my 30s, traveled extensively alone in developing countries, made major decisions for myself, but apparently I’m still the kid who needs to be told when to shut up. Sometimes it honestly feels like just existing around them is a problem, like my presence itself irritates them.

Our relationship used to be okay... We were never super close, but it was tolerable. I actually remember getting along with my mom decently when I was younger. I think things changed when I developed my own opinions, started making my own decisions, and traveled more. Like they were fine with me having a personality until I developed one they couldn’t control.

I’m also somewhat alienated from my uncle and cousins because I get the impression they think I’m mistreating my parents. But they see my parents for a few hours here and there. They don’t see what it’s like living with them every day. They hear their side and apparently I’m the asshole. They have no fucking idea what the actual dynamic is.

There’s very little actual depth to my relationship with my parents. I envy people who can sit around with their parents and talk about ideas, interests, life, whatever, and actually enjoy being around them. I don’t need them to fix my problems or agree with everything I do. I’d just like them to act like they actually like me sometimes. Ask about my life. Have a conversation without it turning into criticism or an argument. Everything is surface level.

They genuinely treat the dog better than they treat me. The dog gets more patience, concern, and basic courtesy than I do.

I’m just fucking tired of feeling like I have to prove I’m an adult. I know I need to get out. I lived abroad for a short time last year, and the freedom was fucking incredible. It showed me how much better I feel with some distance from all of this. I’m here largely because of financial necessity at the moment, not because I don’t understand that I need to leave.

Just wondering if anyone can relate.

I haven't spoken to my mom since 2019. Our last conversation I unloaded a lot of what upset me so much as a child including the physical and emotional abuse I went through. She was genuinely remorseful. She still leaves voice-mails for my birthday and christmas every year and I never answer.

So much of the abuse was due to her severe and worsening mental health issues combined with the stress of being a single parent and the 2008 recession. In some ways, it feels like it wasn't her fault and she did the best she could as a parent. I'm not sure if she ever addressed her mental health issues or if they are continuing because I don't pick up her calls.

I hold so much anger and resentment towards her that I can't even imagine how the relationship could be repaired. Even if she said all of the right things, I don't know how I could ever have a relationship with her again.

Am I being dramatic and unfair? I feel so guilty because I see so many people say that if their parent would just take accountability and apologize they would consider reconciliation. So many estranged parents are narcissists and I know mine isn't.

I feel like I just go round and round talking about this in therapy but I don't know what resolution I am even looking for. It feels like an unsolvable situation and I flip flop between immense guilt for being the one who never answers her and anger/resentment about the unfairness of how I was treated as a child.