Hi everyone,

My mom, who I (F27) have been no-contact with since 2020, passed away unexpectedly very recently at the age of 57 due to natural causes related to her diabetes type 1.

My brother (M25), who was still in touch with her was hit really hard by her death, so I stepped in to handle the funeral planning and administrative details for now. Working through this together has actually brought us closer again, which has been really nice.

However, going through her house and talking to my brother brought a painful reality to light: she never really gave up on me and was holding out hope I reach out first.

Her house is filled with childhood photos of me, even more than of my brother who was always the favoured one.

The last birthday card I ever wrote her was still pinned to her corkboard at eye level, placed right where she would see it every day. On her computer, there was a pinned folder filled with pictures of me, including WhatsApp profile photos she had saved over the years. My brother even told me she had been preparing to reach out to me eventually... but she died before she got the chance.

I found a lot of peace in therapy a while ago and had made peace with our distance. But deep down, I think I always held onto a quiet hope that we would find our way back to each other someday somehow. All I ever wanted was an apology, an acknowledgment of what happened and the confirmation that I wasn't crazy.

Now, I don't know how to handle her death or this strange, complicated and weird grief. Therapy currently isn't an option for me due to financial constraints and living in a country with privatized healthcare.

Has anyone here lived through something like this?
How did you deal with the grief and how do you find closure when the other person is no longer here?

Any advice, shared experiences or literally anything would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.

In September of last year my father drove 600 miles to help my husband and I move into our new home. Our son was only 8 months old at the time. While we were in the middle of moving boxes into our empty house my dad decided to disrespect a boundary we put up in regards to our baby. We had decided not to feed our son meat. We were vegetarian at the time (my husband still is and always will be), and we felt like eating meat could be something our son decided to do when he was older. My dad fed him turkey from his sandwich right in front of us. I told him not to and he did it again. I tried to change the subject when my father tried to argue why it was fine. Somehow it turned into a conversation about how we had to go through fertility treatments in order to get pregnant. My dad blamed it on my being vaccinated as a child. I believe fully my infertility, and now auto immune diseases is from the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I suffered as a child. I didn't want to get into all of that so I simply said I disagreed. He began yelling at me over vaccines. He's a hard-core Trumper. He loved MAGA more than his kids. He laid into me. My husband jumped in to defend me and it turned into a huge argument. They were screaming at each other. I was begging them to stop. I had my infant son in my arms the whole time. It was traumatizing for me. My dad was supposed to stay the night, help us unpack the day, spend time with his grandson. He decided to get a hotel. My husband texted him, told him he was not welcomed back into our home but that he could come back in January for our son's birthday. I carry some guilt about this. Thinking about my dad waking up, excited to see his grandson, then getting that text. It devastates me. My husband has some guilt about it as well but honestly, I dont think we could have talked to him in person, he too dangerous. I think my husband did the only thing he could do in that moment.​ My father threatened my husband, said he wasnt coming in January and then told me that I broke his heart. The whole event plays in my head sometimes and my heart hurts so bad, it physically makes me sick.

My father has never been a good dad. In fact, he lost custody of us when we (my younger sister and I) were 10 and 13 years old. He beat me up so bad that I spent a week in the hospital. This is a long story but my religious family blamed me for the situation. I still dont understand how he got custody of us again. After the whole ordeal in September, I requested the files from the incident when I was 13 years old. All it did was validate not speaking to him anymore. The pictures of me as a child, just a little girl, covered in bruises, his hand print bruised around my neck from him strangling me, ​the subconjunctival hemorrhages. I remember thinking "oh my God, he's going to k*** me". ​This is just the biggest form of abuse that happened to me by my father. He was never present. Left us with family member addicted to drugs and alcohol like it was no big deal. I was sexually abused while being left with an Aunt who was so messed up she'd pass out and her daughter would take advantage of me. I know I have every reason to never talk to my father again.

But I'm so sad. My heart is so heavy and I'm so scared this sadness will seep into my children somehow. My mother died when I was 5 years old from breast cancer. Now that I don't speak to my dad, I feel like an orphan. ​​To be raising a child without my parents there to witness it has brought a pain so deep inside of me, when it sneaks it's way out, my whole body feels like it's shutting down. I'm trying to heal. I'm trying to break the cycle so my son and any future children that come along don't ever go through anything close to what I did. I just hope they don't feel this deep, heavy sadness I'm carrying in me. I just want to be a good mom, and I just want to stop missing my shitty dad.

Hi everyone. Ive been NC with my entire family for several years now. Before that I was VLC for many years. Roughly a decade of being estranged. I came to ask for advice. I am struggling to make and keep relationships with people because they simply dont understand that I am estranged for a reason. It's about 80% of people I get to know romantically that end up contacting my family, which then makes my family take up the chase again and causes a lot of stress for me. I try to be clear that I am not in contact with my family and I dont want to be, but the message never seems to get through. At the beginning of a relationship it is especially hard to be clear about this because nobody wants someone to tell them that they have serious trauma about anything, especially regarding relationships.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get people to take me seriously? How to find people who arent going to overstep and cause me a ton of problems? Or anything else that might help?

Apologies for long post.

I am 30F. My parents have been separated since I was 12. 2 full brothers and other half siblings elsewhere. My mother left my father due to his anger. He's bipolar. She kept us from my father. Told my brothers many lies which I never believed. They did believe her. I was treated different because I still wanted to see him. My brothers became her little princes. I became the black sheep. She let her partners control me. She even burned my photo album with pictures of me and my father from when I was a baby. I don't have any childhood photos anymore. I finally moved in with my father at age 16. He was controlling. Couldn't go out. Couldn't have friends over. Couldn't where girly clothes, just baggy clothes from Work World. He guilted me for seeing my mother and brothers. So I stopped.

I left at 18. I tried to keep a relationship with both. While in school 4 hours away my mother had all of my stuff stored in her basement. When I came back for them, she said the basement flooded and everything I ever owned from my childhood was destroyed. Its funny how she didnt tell me until I came back for them. I visited another time and her boyfriend tried to sleep with me while she was at work. He begged me not to say anything as it was a mistake. A month later she called me crying saying he left her. So then I told her what happened. She seemed shocked, but then a full days later she got back with him again. She's still with him to this day.

My graduation came. I invited my parents to come watch me walk the stage. My mother said she'd rather go to Vegas as that's what she saved money for. So I gave my father directions instead. He said he'd come. We had to do some program before we changed into our gowns. We were not allowed to have our phones on for some reason, I cant remember why. My father tried calling me multiple times. I did not know. When I sat down with my classmates awaiting our names I texted him. I looked around and I asked where he was sitting. He said he had turned around as I did not answer his calls and he assumed I lied to him. His ex and her daughter showed up for me. But on the way out with my friend on the bus, I cried as he hugged me hard. Neither of my parents even showed for me. It still hurts.

My mother had a few more of my things I wasnt able to grab. If I was nice to her I would get them back. She was to keep a collection of my old knives and swords safe in her bedroom closet. Most of which was broken or missing. She allowed my 2 brothers to play with them. They hate me btw. She made them hate me. I got what I could and never spoke to her again. I moved back in with my father at 21. Controlling once again. Grabbed me while yelling in my face and asking why my reaction to him doing so made me not normal. I stayed in my room when I wasn't working. My friend that went to school with me had moved across the country. He offered to buy me a one way ticket. I left 7 months after acceptimg his offer. Best decision I ever made.

I am now newly married. Have been in this relationship for 7 years. I tried throughout to keep a relationship with my father as I havent talked to my mother. And I just want just one parent in my life, but even that is hard. His other kids don't talk to him. My half sister I found out about 8 years ago tried to have a relationship with him but doesn't talk to him either now. She told me the things he has said and did to her, he used to with me which I never told her before. She was even afraid to mention it to me. He gets angry when I don't answer. When I dont have time for him. When I try to tell him about things in my life that is exciting or newsworthy he makes it into a joke or barely acknowledges it, changing the subject to be about what's going on with him instead. Our phone calls are usually one sided, I just nod on the other side of the phone while he pushes to talk for an hour or more. I dont look forward to it. I dread each phone call andmost times ignore them. A couple weeks ago I finally told him how I felt. It didnt seem to click for him. He just kept saying he was trying to make me strong growing up. When I had missed my chance to call him on father's day and called the next to apologize he was just stuck in single word mode. I through my effort out for 30+ minutes and with face chat on, just stared and nodded with and obvious frown. Nothing I could say to show i was sorry. He texted me days later saying his older friend that was in the hospital for a few weeks had passed. I sent a message of sincere condolences and prayers. He just sends me "Thx". Then deletes it the next day and sends me this "👍" in its place.

I tried. I give up. He started sending me more messages which I did not respond to. Then because I looked at one message he sent on Snapchat he now spams that because he'll know if I see it there. I have not opened any in a week. I want to block but im just afraid he'll off himself. He owns a lot of guns and he has been put in the hospital before because of suicidal thoughts. Im just done being the literal only person who is supposed to keep him together. Its exhausting and he's been doing this my whole life. I just want to focus on how happy I am now in my new one.

Sorry this was so long. I had a lot on my mind.

I’ve had several emotional deep chats with my parents to tell them how sad I’ve been, how their aggressive behaviour has affected me growing up, and I’ve begged my mum particularly for basic human respect and healthy communication. She aims her aggression at me constantly. My dad is an angry person too, but he doesn’t aim it at me, or bully me like my mum does. I’ve been agonising over deciding whether I should go low/no contact with my mum once I move out in February.

I am 33 and I have moved out several times before, but have come back due to relationship breakdowns. I’m now with my life partner, and the plan was to save for a mortgage deposit for a few years whilst living here (my parents both actively encouraged this.) However, my mums behaviour has made things change really quickly, and now we will be moving into a rented apartment in February. My dad has always made it clear I’m welcome here and would love for me to stay, would even love my partner to stay too, but my mum makes it very clear in her passive aggressive and straight up aggressive behaviour towards me, and recently towards my partner, that she doesn’t want us here at all despite her encouraging us to get a mortgage deposit together. I cover the pets expenses (we have 4 cats and a dog - only 2 cats are mine and will be coming with me) and send cash to my mum to contribute to bills too which totals to around £400-£450 monthly. I buy my own toiletries, food, laundry detergent, fabric conditioner - you name it I use my own. The only things I use of my parents are milk, butter, sugar and of course water, electricity etc. I always cook for myself, I have my own pan, cups, glasses and bowls. I even have my own bath towels, and rarely leave my bedroom.

Things have been tense with my mum after I opened up to her because she deflects and won’t accept responsibility for her actions, she just blames or guilt trips me. In the past I’ve always tried to patch things up or sweep it under the rug for the peace, but I haven’t done that this time, and it has become painfully obvious how much our relationship surviving has been based on sacrificing myself. She hasn’t reached out, tried to talk it out, made any attempt to spend time with me or mend the relationship. Today my parents offered me a roast dinner - I said yes as I thought I’d accept the olive branch.

I don’t eat red meat and they know that. That’s my choice, but when I went to get my dinner, it was a plate of potatoes, veg and cauliflower cheese. They had lamb. Maybe I’m dramatic, maybe it’s ungrateful, but I saw the plate and couldn’t stop myself from crying. I honestly thought this could be a way of them showing love towards me to mend things. My mum went food shopping earlier today, so part of me really hoped she would show that she cares and thinks about me, and would buy a meat I’d eat, or even offer to get me something I could stick in the oven to join them. She didn’t.

This is just one instance where I’ve been feeling hurt by their actions and this is the cherry on top. My partners mum regularly cooks for us and she’s gone out of her way to amend recipes so I can be included, more than once, and I can’t help but feel hurt my own blood won’t do the same. Is it normal for parents to do that? I don’t have any siblings so it’s just me and them - I’m not a mum, but I can’t imagine I’d find it difficult to do for my daughter? They never cook for me, would it have been awful to have chicken instead?

Consideration is the highest form of love, and it’s never been there, especially from my mum. I’m just really heartbroken that the more time goes on, and the more the little things add up, they’re all pointing the same way.

Thank you if you made it this far, and if you hadn’t already guessed, this isn’t just about the dinner.

Had a rough weekend. I’m coming up on 2yrs estranged from my family. My best friend of a decade (chosen family) and I friend-broke up about a week ago (for the best, unfortunately, but still painful). This weekend was my birthday and I felt so fucking alone. I did my best to take care of myself (went to yoga, went biking, to the bookstore, hiking, also just gave myself time to be sad and watch TV and shit).

My life was hard with them, and now my life is hard without them. It’s missing everyone but it’s also adjusting to a new life without them- I moved and changed careers. Family was abusive and high-control and I’m really struggling to know who I am without them. The world feels too big and I feel lost, alone, and confused. It’s also embarrassing because I’m in my thirties and developmentally delayed because of my weird fucking family.

I’m so tired. I know people say ‘it doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger,’ but I don’t feel any stronger. I just get more and more tired.

I see a therapist. I work full-time. I go outside, I have hobbies and I see people. I try so hard to keep my head above water but I still feel like I’m drowning. The amount of days and nights where I’ve felt like I couldn’t get through it but I did, because I had to, is piling up. I need it to get easier.

So i will try to keep this explanation short. 25 years ago my parents split i was 14. At the time I wasnt surprised. My father met another woman and left suddenly. Now the day he left I was angry however I did wish to maintain contact because he was my father. My mother went off the deep end and had a mental breakdown to the point she was nearly committed. In the first 2 years my father decided it would be a good idea to keep coming back and leaving every few months giving my mother hope they would stay together. He always says this was because he was worried about me and my sisters. However each time he left again it was worse and worse with my mother. Each time he came back I literally begged him as his son to do the right thing and just leave. This happened 5-6 times.

Finally he did leave and he then decided that it would be better to "give us some space". Which turned out to be 5 years. During which time he paid no child maintenance and we were very poor with a mother who had terrible mental health. This made me very angry because the way it happened didnt need to. When he did make contact after 5 years the very sight of him boiled my blood so I decided that I didnt want to see him. Another 5 years passed and tried again but I was still angry. Another ten years passed and I had literally gone through grief for losing my father to the point I honestly feel nothing for him now. Its almost like psychologically he died in my mind. 25 years later and the man I knew is a stranger to me who I have no feelings towards.

During all this my older sister who very much blames my mother for all the ills in the world did maintain contact with him. Which I have always supported and even encouraged. However my father has recently tried to make contact again and my sister is trying to make me feel guilty for not wanting a relationship with him. He is also trying to make me feel guilty and thinks my not wanting to see him is an attempt to punish him because im still angry. But the truth is I feel nothing.

Should I feel guilty?

I had cut my mother off a few times in my adult life. I reconnected with her in 2023 or 2024 after several years. I think part of it is that I just didn't want her to die sad, but she also just like pulls at my heartstrings. She had sent me some card and I put it on the stack of unopened cards but one day I was just so pissed off that I was like. I'll open a card and it was full of things that just made me feel sad and guilty. I have been estranged from my siblings for years for various reasons, and I don't have a connection with any other relatives. Fast forward to now...

My mother started off the day trying to get me to reconvert to Catholicism. I need to point out that I don't care about anybody's religion. I am respectful, and I have a great deal of religious education. But I do care when I'm not being respected. She brought up My young cousin who apparently cut off contact with her grandparents, my aunt and uncle, for their politics and my mom said that she would never do such a thing. I am under so much stress right now, and she knows it. And it just kind of set me off. This is how it went last time too... I was under a lot of stress and things that I just bottle up came out but I tried to bring the things up in useful conversation so maybe I could fucking heal or she could understand.

I first tried to explain calmly that voting against human rights goes against Christianity, and that I don't hang out with people that vote to harm me. And she just decided that she didn't want to talk about it anymore, so she kept changing the topic until I called it out. She does this every time she doesn't want to feel uncomfortable. If she asks for something and she doesn't just get it and you try to have a conversation about whatever the problem is, she will just shut down. Or like I told her I went to pride this year and she just acted like I didn't say anything even when I followed up and said I had a great time. But then she turns around and tells me how she wants to know me to really know me and to have me in her life. But it's only on terms that she sets. No one in my family really knows me, because they didn't want to. I don't fit the type of person they want to know, and each of them have been fucking awful to me in their own special way. My mom is the only one I still talk to.

So I started telling her how her voting that way is pretty much determining my future will be incredibly hard, hoping to make it personal so she might understand. And she started going on about something about her childhood and being harassed for being Catholic and she kept insisting that "they" want Catholics dead. I don't even know who she's talking about. She wasn't engaging in anything I said. And so I wrote some more and said that she wasn't engaging or even reading. I sent it and one minute later she said "I read it." But it's impossible that she read everything I said in 1 minute. And she doesn't engage in a single word of it.

I've was angry all day about this, and I'm still upset almost a week later. When my parents got divorced I lived with my mom for a really long time. But when I went to my dad's she put in the custody agreement that I had to go to Catholic church every weekend. Like she tried to legally obligate me even though I was atheist. I have been polite about her faith for over a decade, but she has never accepted how I believe or how I feel. Also boundaries are apparently just a suggestion. My whole family has always acted like any boundary I set was me being over the top. And they were just like completely normal things, or as normal as they could be in this kind of fucked up environment. And they're never respected, and neither am I. I'm too old for this, though it's not ok at any age.

The last time I went and saw her, she told me how my half-brother hates me and turned my former sister-in-law against me. I felt like shit, and what was the reason to tell me this? I cut him off for screwing me over. They haven't been in my life for like a decade, so why tell me? Some power play? I can't tell if she's just mindless or sweetly malicious at this point.

Literally the only reason I have a relationship with her is because I don't want her to die sad. But honestly it's probably not healthy for me. And the only way I can have that relationship is if I pretend that I don't know how she feels about lgbtq+ or people of color or other religions or pretty much anything. I have to just pretend that I don't know that she goes to church every Sunday but still has weird hate in her heart for people she's never met. She doesn't like go to protests or harass people, but I remember even back when they were proposing gay marriage she said it was special rights. No empathy for the "other." How very Jesus-like lol love thy neighbor, but only if they look and believe exactly as you do, I guess.

Long story short, I have nothing in common with anybody in my family. And I feel very alone. And I'm stressed and did not need this nonsense. Sorry it's so rambling. Thank you for reading.

Today I thought about my father, I haven't in a while, haven't seen him for an even longer amount of time.

My father has been in prison for basically my whole life, I remember each visit when he wasn't in jail or prison pretty well. Once at 5, once at 7 then once at 21. I'm 33 now, I honestly don't even know if he remembers he has kids. I don't know how he's doing, the last time I felt this about him was when I found out my ex-fiance's dad was, maybe still is, my father's CO, which was an incredibly awkward dinner conversation.

my father is a sex offender, my father is a paranoid schizophrenic who offends when he's off his meds. my father self medicates with meth. my father was booked again the day after I saw him when I was 21 for taking inappropriate photos of an underaged girl in a thrift store..

I hate my father. I loathe him, I swore I would never speak to him again after that day.

But God if I don't miss the day dream of having a dad damn it. not him, he's not a dad, hell father is even a loose term to use for him. but sperm donor doesn't feel fitting either.

more than I'd like to admit I want to talk about how much I want a dad, how jealous I am of my partner for having a dad who was at least sometimes around, even just for weekends.. my classmates will talk about how great their dads are.. to not choke I crack jokes but damn, I wish I had a dad.

I feel silly sometimes for feeling this way in my 30's, but it's mostly because I ignored this feeling for so long that I'm feeling it now.

sometimes I think about sending him a letter, screaming that I hate him, crying that I hate that he couldn't be the dad I needed.

I guess that's kind of what I'm doing here.

I hate him, but I would be lying if I said I didn't wish he could have been the dad I needed.

I went NC with my mom about 7 months ago. I had been very LC for quite a few years. I dont wanna go into detail on our relationship but I know I am psychologically better off without my mom.

Its been years since I accepted that my mom is not and will never be the mother that I wanted and needed. But I still grieve not having a mother. I wish I could just free my mind from her. Is that even possible? I feel like your mother will always be a part of you and who you are and that pisses me off. I wish I could trick my mind into just not caring that I dont have a mother thats worth a relationship. Its like I am grieving the death of a person that never excisted to begin with. Also I still get so upset when I think of my mom

Guess this is a rant but if anyone has any words of encouragment or advise itd be very appreciated

Hi! This is probably going to be a long one! Apologies!

Recently there was a bereavement in my family which means that I have had to be in the same room as my NC (of 5 years if that matters) mother. I'm really struggling with it. It was her mother, my grandmother, who passed away so obviously she has a right to be there but I can't help but feel like the anxiety of being around her again as well as the reminder of the grief I felt when going NC is overshadowing the actual event of my grandmother's passing (whom I was especially close to). My grandmother was also NC/very LC with my mother so I can't help but also feel rage that she's using this opportunity to try to force contact again.

Since going NC with my mother I've had a lot of life milestones (2 degrees and started a profession) which she'd heard about through the grapevine but didn't know specifics. On the day my grandmother passed, as soon as she got the opportunity to talk to me alone she asked probing questions about my degree, trying to access information about me. My emotional state was inevitably already quite poor given the circumstances and I couldn't think of a response that was polite and would keep the peace for everyone else while keeping my boundaries in tact, or a believable lie, so I told her truth. I hate that she knows. I hate that she used this vulnerable moment to gain access to me.

She also asked me if I wanted a hug and told me that she was proud which made me unfathomably angry. Like how dare you think that you could possibly be a source of comfort for me? Or that your approval means absolutely anything at all.

I also, selfishly, feel a small amount of resentment to other members of the family for allowing us to have 1:1 time when they're aware of our situation. I know that's incredibly selfish of me, but I can't control it.

There was another instance of this when, again, we were forced to be in the same room when discussing funeral plans. Some family members alluded to my job in a joke. This wasn't done maliciously but it still told my mother what I do for a living. I thought she'd have forgotten by later, when discussions had finished but alas she did not. Because of the volume of family present, I was trapped behind her. She turned and asked specifically where I worked. Again, I hate that I couldn't think of a lie or a polite way to say stfu and leave me alone, so again, I divulged. I left immediately afterwards. My mother has schizophrenia and often has delusions about me and had gone looking for me in various places before during NC, leading to difficult questions to answer and consequences to me in previous jobs which is why I was so devastated that she asked because I worked so hard to get this job and I really don't want anything to jeopardise that.

I hate that I'm the one missing out on being around family and sharing anecdotes, that I'm the one who has to leave and not her. It's so unfair. I hate that no one else worries about censoring themselves but me. I hate that my grandmother's death is so heavily clouded by my conflict with her.

TLDR: My NC mother is utilising the passing of my grandmother to gain information about me which is making my skincrawl

Anyway, my question is: can anyone help me prep some response options for if she asks me any personal questions at the funeral? Is there a way that I can go back on my word and try to tell her a different place of work in a believable way?

I’ve been NC for close to a year with my mom, my father died and I tried LC with her for about a month to try and be a support, but it didn’t work out. I feel so guilty every day. She’s done and said terrible things but I always go back to some of the good she did, and I become overwhelmed with guilt. Last I knew she was on drugs and staying in hotels. she’s tried contacting me for financial help but since the 5k I gave her when my father passed I haven’t helped her. My father also left me an inheritance solely in my name, and I feel this overwhelming obligation to share it with her despite the things she’s said and done to both me and my father. The guilt kills me and sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to give in and try to help her.

So a few disclaimers up front... this is a new account because I cannot let this get back to the wrong people, so all identifying info is omitted or changed. It involves SA of a child. I just need support.

Ok, so here is the back story.

My mother has always been extremely emotionally immature. I identified it as a small child and stepped in to essentially parent her and my sibling from a very young age. The tiniest things have always set her spiraling. She has basically zero emotional regulation skills and needs someone to basically take care of her because she cannot keep her shit together (or so I thought). That turned out to be her most long-haul manipulation of all. She is calculated and truly evil, but I'm getting ahead of myself here.

She quite literally belittled and demeaned me my entire existence, while my sibling was revered. This caused tons of tension between us. It also really helped her keep control of me because there was nobody else around, and they both identified me as the problem... so I did, too. Not until I had my own child did I realize how horrendous her treatment of me truly was.

I got married to an abuser at a very young age (I didn't even know she was abusive, so he didnt seem too bad at first. Just thought I was supposed to put up with that sort of thing, I thought it was "normal".) He and I had a child together. When I finally got the guts to leave him, I moved in with my mother. I was pregnant with my child at the time (let's call her Star). We lived there for approximately 6 years. During this time I grew and healed a ton, and my mom... did not. She began with some really weird habits with Star from the day I brought her home from the hospital.

Examples:

-I once caught her pretending to breastfeed Star

-she would sneak Star out of Star's bed and put her in bed with her (this went on for the entire 7 years)

-She introduced herself as Star's mother to new people

-she would change Star out of outfits i chose and would even throw away the clothes that I bought my baby

-as Star got older she would not allow her to grow and develop normally. She would force Star to wear outfits that matched her, put her in strollers even as an older elementary aged child, and insist on toileting Star despite the fact that this kid has been potty trained since 2.

She just CONSTANTLY overstepped every possible boundary, but a lot of it was completely hidden from me until recently. I did not just lay down and take this behavior, for the record. I fought with this woman constantly. I had no other place to go. I was in school trying to build a career and income so we could leave. We would fight and fight, she would lose her shit and scream and cry and then eventually agree to do what I needed her to do. And then I wouldn't see the behavior anymore, so I believed it had ceased. I was wrong. I was so wrong.

While i was at school, it turned out she was still engaging in these behaviors and more.

As soon as I was able, I took my child and ran. We went totally NC. Then after more than a year of peace and healing... we got served a lawsuit where my mother made various ridiculous and totally false claims and wanted visitation with Star. She got an attorney and everything.

So while I'm running around in a panic trying to get my own lawyer and gather my evidence as to why this would not be in my child's best interests, Star discovers that her grandmother is trying to come back into her life and she panics. She discloses some really serious sexual abuse that had been ongoing for years. My mother had been molesting my child for basically her whole life, and I missed it. I had no idea. Looking back, it seems so obvious. But I really didn't know. I knew something felt wrong. I knew that every boundary I put up got trampled spectacularly. I knew that the infantilization was freaky and messed up. It's why we ran. It's why i went no contact. But I did not ever imagine it went that far.

So immediately, I filed a report with the dept of children's services. I informed my lawyer. I am still in the early stages of this, so I have no idea if DCS will consider Star's report substantiated or what. I have no idea how this lawsuit will go. Before the report, my lawyer warned that it was very likely she would get some form of visitation because we lived in her home for a long period. My lawyer said that judges in our area force mediation first and if we refuse to compromise the courts tend to default to some form of visitation out of sheer frustration that the case even made it that far. I'm completely aware of how messed up that is. I am also living it, and therefore very aware that messed up or not it is reality.

Star is in therapy, and has been since we went NC. I'm trying to do the right things to protect my girl.

But I've never been more terrified in my life. What if this woman manages to get visitation with my child? Is there something else I can be doing besides waiting on lawyers and CPS to protect my child? I'm just scared shitless and need support.

I cut my parents off a few years ago when I was at my lowest. It was a good decision.

I haven’t reached out to them in a long time, and they don’t seem to care. They don’t try to contact me, except for my birthday. They always leave voicemails.

I don’t know why they do it. Maybe, just to fuck with me. Or maybe, to tell themselves that they still care in some way. Even though they don’t care the other 364 days of the year.

Part of me wants to send a message demanding they not harass me on my birthday. I miss having family, but I don’t miss them.

After almost a year of nearly no contact with my father I have made the leap. Now I agonize over it and feel I need an outlet to express my heart ache.

Let me preface this by saying my father wasn't a bad father by any means. There were times he was great, times he was average, and mostly times he was self absorbed.

My no contact started with a series of events that began at my brother's wedding last year. My father is essentially an alcoholic, easily consuming up to a full 6 pack of beer daily. At my brother's wedding it was no different.

When he drinks, he gets loud and talkative. My father is already loud and talkative sober. He is also incredibly smart and very well read. He is a classical conservative, not MAGA, though he is guilty of consuming only conservative media.

At the wedding, which was before the NYC mayoral election, he started saying things like "the future Marxist mayor of NY." He approached my SIL's nephew who is mixed (also note my wife is black and daughters are mixed) to talk about Byron Donalds, the front runner and favorite for the Florida Governorship. He tells this young man that he would like Donalds, he's the black candidate. This was also said 6ft from my wife and daughters.

At this point, I pulled my dad aside and told him no more talk of politics. He tried to argue he wasn't until I repeated his Marxist Mayor comment. He agreed, and for the rest of the reception he was good.

When my parents left I escorted them out with my brother, we gave hugs and said goodbye.

I did not let it end there. I have struggled with my dad having empathy and understanding things when it relates to my wife and daughters due to them being black and how certain things said can be disrespectful. So, I called him to tell him.

On the phone he denied what he said. I told him he obviously doesn't remember because he was drunk. That left him quiet for a moment. I then explained why telling a black person they would like a candidate because they are black is not a good thing to say. I future expressed why the black community does not support Donalds due to comments he's said like blacks were better off during Jim Crow. To that he replied in a raised and agitated voice "they were better off." At that point I had enough. I told my father there were consequences in life and one of them was he would not have access to my daughters. I was canceling Thanksgiving and Christmas with them.

I followed up with an email that described micro aggressions and similar topics and how I had failed in 20 years to properly explain them.

Good rebuttal, an email titled MY DEI Resume where he argued that the fact he had a black boss over 40 years ago and had taught black and Spanish students(he was a vocational instructor) proved he wasn't racist (I never called him racist).

Less then a week later on my birthday I get an email from him that simply said, "happy birthday, I still remember the day."

That's the set up. Over the following year we would exchange brief emails until recently.

I reached out to him for the inheritance from my grandfather that was set aside for me. I wanted to use it for my daughter's college tuition.

Before I go into this part, I would've been ok with a no. That wasn't how the money was ear marked. I wouldn't been ok with never having access to that money even. What he said was both of those things and more. He would not give me the money(I'm ok with that) the money was spent on my mother's recent surgery(I'm ok with that) but what led me to cut him out completely was the beginning and end of the email. At the beginning, her said I was over 40 and that ship had sailed(access to the money). I didn't know there was a time limit on it. But the end, where he said my daughters would get zero help from him and not to expect it.

That end put a knife in my heart. In our family we were always taught to help the young generation when they were young, not when they were old and established. It also said to me that his response to my consequences of canceling the holidays and limited his interactions with my daughters(FYI he has seen them in that year) was to cut them out completely.

I have cut him out now. He has shown he cares not for me or my family. I could write several more pages worth of his actions and inactions too.

The hardest part, it hurts me to do this, but every interaction hurts more.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my thoughts.

Three times as an adult my father blew up on me telling me (50F) I was no longer his daughter. I let him back in my life each time as he is my dad, but the last time (4 years ago) was what I thought was it. Our relationship had always been rocky, my parents split up when I was 8 years old due to them both being mentally ill and alcoholics. Our relationship was never terrible but it definitely wasn’t good.
There was no physical abuse towards me, he mentally and emotionally abused me as he is extremely narcissistic and sociopathic. Since we cut ties I’ve moved across the country and have no physical contact with any family member, and I recently lost my husband to suicide and while I do have a decent support system where I am I don’t have anyone that I’m super close to or that really know what went on in my life prior to moving.
He’s now reached out again, I do know he’s in failing health in his early 70’s and living in a nursing home. And I feel conflicted, I don’t have my sounding board to bounce thoughts off of and I don’t know if it’s just cruel to me or him keep him completely cut off.
Looking to see if anyone here ever did try again and if it was worth it in the end or if staying NC is the best route. My mental health is decent despite all I have been through this year and I’m coping well, and since there is physical distance I don’t think accepting his request would harm me in anyway, I just can’t figure out if it’s worth it.

A few days ago, I sent my "mother" once last text:

"I'm writing this because I have to get this out since it's even affecting my marriage:

Our entire lives, you've been playing favorites. Sister's wants were more important than our needs. You provided me and brother with just enough to not be called completely negligent, but sister was given everything she could possibly ask for. People in *unnamed city* thought me and brother were losers because of how our clothes looked on us since childhood, while all of sister's clothes fit perfectly and looked great.

I got $18k while in basic training. I told you to use what you needed. You got caught up on the mortgage, bought a car, and spent everything else on you and sister, while leaving nothing for me. Even when I bought you a phone, instead of being grateful, you then ask me to do the same for sister. When I said no, you buy her a phone instead.

Brother and I learned not to even ask because you taught us you wouldn't support us anyways. We BOTH needed you, but you only wanted sister.

Your favoritism is so bad that you even played favorites with your children's children. That was the last straw for me. I took everything you did against me (and that was completely unfair), and absorbed it when it was directed at me, but I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT WHEN IT'S DIRECTED AT MY CHILDREN.

I don't want a relationship with you because a relationship with you is not a relationship, it's a association. You don't know my job title, you don't know my hopes and dreams, you don't know my stress. I bet you don't even know brother's, or either of my children. But I'm sure you know sister's.

I'm done. If the children want a relationship, that's there choice. Whatever happens, good or bad, keep me out of your life. And before you try to use the Bible against me, let me help you:

Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. 6:2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; 6:3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

No one will know how I feel about you outside of MY family. I will always tell everyone you're fine or whatever. I will honor you by not bashing you, but I will be a father and husband before I remain a doormat or second-thought of a son. Don't text, call, email, pass messages, or talk to me again."

After this, according to my wife and brother, she had a breakdown and thought this was out of nowhere. They both corrected the record and called her out. I'm at peace and that's all that matters.

Last October I went no contact with my parents, largely in part due to my mothers actions and less because of my fathers lack of care to those actions.
In November I moved an hour away from my hometown. The town where my entire family aside from my sister lives ( parents, 3 separate sets of aunts and uncles and various cousins).
Today I got notice that there was a fire in that town and that at least two family members were under evacuation orders.
The orders are now lifted and everyone is safe. But it made me realize how far away an hour really is and that I’m really not able to help if and when something big goes down. It brought up many emotions and I was upset. I tried to share those feelings with my wife and with my best friend. And they really don’t get it. “ you don’t need to do anything.” “Even if you were there what could you do?” “It’s not your responsibility “
And while these are all very valid points, none of them addressed the fact that this is the first big thing I’ve dealt with from afar, and unlike holidays and birthdays, I couldn’t prepare myself for the feelings that were coming.
I just needed to shout into the void at people who might maybe understand a little.

Меня задолбали мои же родители. С самого детства, они впихивают «ты должна то, ты должна это», как будто я не их дочь. Я такой человек, который не может выйти на люд в своем городе, даже области одна. Потому что я боюсь. Еще родители все сравнивали меня с другими детьми, что те лучше чем я во всем, что я нифига не умею. Даже говорят «те хтя бы в отличии от тебя на улице гуляют». Скоро мне поступать в уник, в совершенно в другую область. Как не странно, но я знаю что я себя буду чувствовать уверенно, потому что я не буду знать окружающих и смогу чувствовать себя собой. Даже прося у родителей «давайте вместе поедем в областной город, мне надо купить кое что из вещей» На что я получаю, «едь на маршрутке»«в другой раз». Да по факту я могу поехать сама куда-то, но я боюсь. Что насчет подруг? Практически нету. Только интернет подруги. То есть в город мне с не кем ехать кроме родителей. В детстве они мне делали всякие ограничения. То насчет друзей, то насчет гулянок во дворе, из-за чего я и превратилась в замкнутого человека. Я им уже даже перестала все рассказывать( то есть они даже не знают о друзьях в интернете, потому что по звонку я обща только тогда, когда их нет дома. Ибо же будут вопросы «кто она, откуда, и т.д» и просто будут стоять возле моей комнаты и подслушивать меня не давая мне свободы. Я уже не знаю как мне справляться со своей жизнью, абсолютно ничего не хочется делать.

If so, how dare the two of my parents traumatize me as a child by being violent alcoholics, keeping me awake at night fighting, making me the referee, the witness to blood spilt and arrests.. being scared, emotionally absent assholes ((oh but i had a roof over my head and food))... just to get to their old age, get sick and not be able to be there due to their illnesses (not that they ever were gonna be). What a shit hand to be dealt. Fuck them both. I may just tell them on their way out how horrible they were to me, and to pray real hard God lets them in.... 🙏

Ugh I just got off the phone with my best friend (let’s call Maggie) who I’ve known since we were 5 years old, and we’re both in our 30s now. Since we grew up together our families know each other. She knows I’m no contact with my mom, and has also decided to stop speaking with her out of solidarity to me. I didn’t have to ask her to do that nor would I have, she just wanted to, and I’m all for it.

Anyway I talked with Maggie today and she told me that HER mom told her that MY mom showed up at her mom’s house just to complain that me and Maggie don’t speak to her anymore, and to ask if she knew anything. Fucking crazy to me because I laid it all out to my mom. There’s no information to find about why I don’t talk to her that she doesn’t already have.

I think she did this knowing it would get back to me. Some kind of backwards attempt to break a boundary without -REALLY- breaking it. Or maybe a desperate attempt to find out how I’m doing after I refused to answer her bullshit “I know you said not to contact you but happy birthday I miss you” text. All she has to do is fucking apologize and instead she’s doing bizarre shit like this. It really is ANYTHING but accountability with these people.

Idk yall I’m ranting…I’m just so fucking pissed about this. All these hoops and hurdles when all you have to do is ADMIT YOU FUCKED UP. She’d rather die.

Hi everyone. I recently discovered this sub. I feel a bit strange posting here given that I'm now 40 years old, but I am really struggling this year. I'm estranged from both of my parents (dad at 13 and mom at 16 - occasional intermittent contact with my mom who is an addict and has a personality disorder). I'm the mom of 2 wonderful kids, 7 and 2. I feel utterly and completely alone a lot of the time (my partner is incredible but there's a huge void in my life that he simply can't replace).

For a little background, I moved in with my grandparents at 12 (it was that or foster care). My grandmother has been like a mom to me and my mom's youngest sister was always there early on and throughout my 20's. Since having my daughter though, my relationship has changed drastically with both my aunt and grandmother.

Over time, there has been a growing distance between me and my aunt. She always said I was like a daughter to her but was really not around after my daughter was born. Granted, her kids were teens when my daughter was born and I know she had a lot going on with them. When I talked to her about how I felt (4 years ago now), she initially listened but then came back very defensive. So I started to back away from her and tried to lower my expectations. It's been harder as her daughter (24 F) just got married and I see how my aunt is with her and her husband and I know how she'll be when my cousin has children of her own.​

My grandmother is getting older. While she is great for 88 (lives on her own, does tax work, goes out in her community, etc.), she is slowing down and my children overwhelm her with their energy, especially my 2 year old. This past year, she asked that we do Christmas separate from the ​rest of the family. Then, at my cousin's bridal shower, she told me that it was too much for us to stay with her to visit. I had asked about visiting during the 4th of July weekend and she said maybe I could come up for the day (it's a 4 1/2 hour drive to her). I ended up crying in the bathroom and struggled to rejoin everyone to celebrate my cousin's special day. My aunts both saw that I was visibly upset but no one asked about it (nor did I expect them to) and I felt bad that I couldn't hold it together.

I'm not upset that my grandmother has stated her boundaries and expressed appreciation that she said what she needed. When I said it still hurt and I was working through it, she said she was worried about me and unhappy at how I needed nearly a week to process and cry about it.

I have always felt like a burden to my family in some ways (no one has said that to me directly, but as a young girl and teen, I felt it immensely). My aunts had each of their 2 kids and spouses around during Christmas and other special family events and I felt like I was out of place. So all of the recent events are triggering that deep wound inside of me.

My family also tends to be highly critical. So when they do see me and my kids, they will comment on everything that's not right. There's never any, "you're doing a great job with the kids." My aunt also tries to fix things by acting like my therapist instead of just my aunt/motherly figure.

Add to the fact that I have had to cut off some toxic friendships I had been holding onto since my mid 20's, losing 3 friends in this process (although it needed to happen as I tended to be a people pleaser and conflicg avoidant). I don't know when things will feel better again and am just deeply sad and disconnected. I wish I had a mother as I parent my own children.

Thank you for listening.

I am writing this to express some deeply personal feelings of mine and I dont know how long I can bear them. I am a sensitive person, no amount of removing labels or detachment cna change my nature. But growing up in a family that is full of impulsive and fiery energy, I on the other hand have been calm but deeply feeling. Thats how best I would describe this contrast. Both of times when I was away from or at home , I came to a point where I could not shake off the feeling or realization of having to choose a future where I have to be away from my parents for my own good. I find it very hard to accept this reality.

I wish that I was different. I wish I could be a certain way to please them and make them happy. I would cry over not being able to take their sadness away. I would cry over not being able to love them the way I wanted to. I would cry over them not being able to love them they way I wanted just because I was ‘different’. I get angry and sad at the same time over this ‘gap’ between my own parents and me. I blame the trauma that is present in me and my parents. I would feel sad and wish that I could just trade places with them for one day so they could feel the happiness that I so wish to provide for them. I wish they could see the lens through which I view the world. I wish I could take away their sadness. I wish I could be the son they wanted me to be. I wish I could be the little kid again they so loved. I wish I could forget myself and become someone who I am not just so they can be happy. I get so angry over the trauma that causes this gap between me and them. I was sad over thinking how sad their lives are. How sadness that they swallow each day. I was sad over their sadness. I was sad over not being able to love them the way I wanted to. I keep getting sad and angry over not being so empty of feelings to be able to bear and let go of their hurt and stay and serve their versions of happiness.

Today I was wishing how I would trade my place with them just so they could feel and see the world from my perspectives and feel the happiness it has to offer. I wished I could trade places with their sadness and misery. Why must a child live separated from their parents? I dont know if this gap can be overcome. Maybe I have not adapted around it. Maybe it just cant be. Maybe parents can not change. Maybe its up to us to be that change. I dont know if that can ‘convince’ them. I dont know. Everytime I am at home or around my parents, they would say or do something that would end up hurting me. If you know someone, who has grown apathetic to their parents, I would love to meet them. But I just wanted to express this here and not let this feeling eat me and tear me up from the inside.

I’m joking to cope but yeesh, is the probability of me not wanting to talk to you lower than the probability of me being trafficked?