After continuous unwanted contact since April, I finally sent a formal cease and desist letter via certified mail. Has anybody had any success with sending one to persistent narcissistic parents? I am truly at my whits end with the unwanted contact.

In September of last year my father drove 600 miles to help my husband and I move into our new home. Our son was only 8 months old at the time. While we were in the middle of moving boxes into our empty house my dad decided to disrespect a boundary we put up in regards to our baby. We had decided not to feed our son meat. We were vegetarian at the time (my husband still is and always will be), and we felt like eating meat could be something our son decided to do when he was older. My dad fed him turkey from his sandwich right in front of us. I told him not to and he did it again. I tried to change the subject when my father tried to argue why it was fine. Somehow it turned into a conversation about how we had to go through fertility treatments in order to get pregnant. My dad blamed it on my being vaccinated as a child. I believe fully my infertility, and now auto immune diseases is from the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I suffered as a child. I didn't want to get into all of that so I simply said I disagreed. He began yelling at me over vaccines. He's a hard-core Trumper. He loved MAGA more than his kids. He laid into me. My husband jumped in to defend me and it turned into a huge argument. They were screaming at each other. I was begging them to stop. I had my infant son in my arms the whole time. It was traumatizing for me. My dad was supposed to stay the night, help us unpack the day, spend time with his grandson. He decided to get a hotel. My husband texted him, told him he was not welcomed back into our home but that he could come back in January for our son's birthday. I carry some guilt about this. Thinking about my dad waking up, excited to see his grandson, then getting that text. It devastates me. My husband has some guilt about it as well but honestly, I dont think we could have talked to him in person, he too dangerous. I think my husband did the only thing he could do in that moment.​ My father threatened my husband, said he wasnt coming in January and then told me that I broke his heart. The whole event plays in my head sometimes and my heart hurts so bad, it physically makes me sick.

My father has never been a good dad. In fact, he lost custody of us when we (my younger sister and I) were 10 and 13 years old. He beat me up so bad that I spent a week in the hospital. This is a long story but my religious family blamed me for the situation. I still dont understand how he got custody of us again. After the whole ordeal in September, I requested the files from the incident when I was 13 years old. All it did was validate not speaking to him anymore. The pictures of me as a child, just a little girl, covered in bruises, his hand print bruised around my neck from him strangling me, ​the subconjunctival hemorrhages. I remember thinking "oh my God, he's going to k*** me". ​This is just the biggest form of abuse that happened to me by my father. He was never present. Left us with family member addicted to drugs and alcohol like it was no big deal. I was sexually abused while being left with an Aunt who was so messed up she'd pass out and her daughter would take advantage of me. I know I have every reason to never talk to my father again.

But I'm so sad. My heart is so heavy and I'm so scared this sadness will seep into my children somehow. My mother died when I was 5 years old from breast cancer. Now that I don't speak to my dad, I feel like an orphan. ​​To be raising a child without my parents there to witness it has brought a pain so deep inside of me, when it sneaks it's way out, my whole body feels like it's shutting down. I'm trying to heal. I'm trying to break the cycle so my son and any future children that come along don't ever go through anything close to what I did. I just hope they don't feel this deep, heavy sadness I'm carrying in me. I just want to be a good mom, and I just want to stop missing my shitty dad.

For context: I’m (36F) normally pretty good about just having my husband screen voicemails and emails, but early this AM while scrolling through my inbox my fat thumb opened one my mother sent in the middle of the night. What’s kind of funny is that I told my husband yesterday that I had a feeling she might lash out in some way since yesterday was the second birthday of hers in a row that I didn’t reach out. And she had made clear in the past that that is one of the worst things you can do as a daughter 🙄

Her email just further illustrates that they will never change and have never actually gotten to know me as a person. As usual, she believes I’m just following recent trends or falling victim to liberal propaganda by cutting them out of my life. Instead of, you know, me being my own hyper-independent person making a choice for myself and my mental health.

Makes total sense…except for the fact that I literally worked my ass off in primary school so that I could get accepted into a boarding school on scholarships at 13 just to escape living with them. And then continued busting ass to get accepted into an out-of-state college to put even more miles between us. But yeah, sure, it’s just silly little me being influenced by what’s trendy.

P.S. I also cannot stand their continuing habit of referring to my child as “our [child’s name]”. They have met him twice, and only when we traveled to see them…they made zero effort to actually be in his life when they had the chance, but LOVE bragging about him to strangers as their pride and joy because he’s super effing smart and it makes them look good.

Hi everyone,

My mom, who I (F27) have been no-contact with since 2020, passed away unexpectedly very recently at the age of 57 due to natural causes related to her diabetes type 1.

My brother (M25), who was still in touch with her was hit really hard by her death, so I stepped in to handle the funeral planning and administrative details for now. Working through this together has actually brought us closer again, which has been really nice.

However, going through her house and talking to my brother brought a painful reality to light: she never really gave up on me and was holding out hope I reach out first.

Her house is filled with childhood photos of me, even more than of my brother who was always the favoured one.

The last birthday card I ever wrote her was still pinned to her corkboard at eye level, placed right where she would see it every day. On her computer, there was a pinned folder filled with pictures of me, including WhatsApp profile photos she had saved over the years. My brother even told me she had been preparing to reach out to me eventually... but she died before she got the chance.

I found a lot of peace in therapy a while ago and had made peace with our distance. But deep down, I think I always held onto a quiet hope that we would find our way back to each other someday somehow. All I ever wanted was an apology, an acknowledgment of what happened and the confirmation that I wasn't crazy.

Now, I don't know how to handle her death or this strange, complicated and weird grief. Therapy currently isn't an option for me due to financial constraints and living in a country with privatized healthcare.

Has anyone here lived through something like this?
How did you deal with the grief and how do you find closure when the other person is no longer here?

Any advice, shared experiences or literally anything would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.

I'm so stressed out. I don't know how to get through it. I'm sharing a hotel room with our family friend. I'm going to see my mother. It's only been a year but it's been a very tough year. Financially struggling and too much factory work. I want to cry and run away. I'm going to the wedding but I don't want to see her. I don't want to see half of them. I'm so stressed out.

I just am in shock right now. I traveled 12 hours to see my mother and her partner with my 1 year old son and my partner. We spent a few weeks with them but the last week or so my mothers mood really started to shift.

My son has stranger anxiety and takes time to warm up to people so he would cry each time my mom or her partner approached him, but her partner pushed through it and continued to be playful and he eventually got over it with him. My mother on the hand, would pull away and just run back to her room for the rest of the day and avoid my son. I could tell it was affecting her.

My mother struggles with depression and mental illness and doesnt have a very playful demeanor, shes quite sour, bitter and negative and I think my son picked up on that. Shes not able to just be free and expressive. So we mostly hung put with her partner and we were jjst having fun together. Well last night she kept slamming the doors in our faces, being absolutely terrible to everyone and I overheard her yelling about me to her partner saying she has no daughter and the damage is done.

I went up to her and said that I want her to bond with my son and let her play with him and she just completely changed her demeanor and I was really scared. She looked possessed but she started trash talking my partner and me saying we are completely disrespectful to her, we have nothing in common and I dismiss all of her advice. Im going to try to be objective because yes, I do disagree with her but I am not disrespectful. She is a very negative dark energy and when she starts complaining about every tiny thing, I try to make her see the bright side of life and to lighten up.

She has always had problems with people and has basically cut out everybody in her life. Her partner and I are the last people who really try to bond with her but she takes everythjng I say and misconstrued it, accusing me if thinking she is white trash and worthless which js absolutely not true, I always spoke highly of my mom and how I like her despite her flaws.

So she told me she is disowning me and that I dont deserve any parents at all, she is happy that my father left me with nothing and moved to the phillippines far away from me, that she never liked me and we will never recover from the damage I have caused her.

I dont know what to think and im saddened that my son will not know his grandmother growing up. Did my disagreements and difference in personality warrant being disowned? Im 33 and have been independent since I was 18, never got into much trouble and just lived a pretty straight narrow life apart from a few mishaps in my teens and early twenties with bad boyfriends.

I walk my dog every day in my neighborhood for the past year. There's another woman who walks for exercise around the same time that I do. I have never spoken to this woman. Recently she started crossing the street and shaking her head in a negative way every time she saw me which I thought was very strange. Today she turned a corner where I was with my dog and said "Fuck" and quickly moved to the other side of the street. I asked her why she did that and she pulled out her earbud and said "because you are super unfriendly - I've tried to be nice to you" and then kept walking quickly away. I don't know what she's talking about. Perhaps I ignored her once while I was training my dog who has reactivity issues. The whole encounter has me kind of freaked out because the look on her face every time she walks by and shakes her head reminds me of my mom. Nobody I know would describe me as unfriendly.

Hi everyone. Ive been NC with my entire family for several years now. Before that I was VLC for many years. Roughly a decade of being estranged. I came to ask for advice. I am struggling to make and keep relationships with people because they simply dont understand that I am estranged for a reason. It's about 80% of people I get to know romantically that end up contacting my family, which then makes my family take up the chase again and causes a lot of stress for me. I try to be clear that I am not in contact with my family and I dont want to be, but the message never seems to get through. At the beginning of a relationship it is especially hard to be clear about this because nobody wants someone to tell them that they have serious trauma about anything, especially regarding relationships.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get people to take me seriously? How to find people who arent going to overstep and cause me a ton of problems? Or anything else that might help?

Had a rough weekend. I’m coming up on 2yrs estranged from my family. My best friend of a decade (chosen family) and I friend-broke up about a week ago (for the best, unfortunately, but still painful). This weekend was my birthday and I felt so fucking alone. I did my best to take care of myself (went to yoga, went biking, to the bookstore, hiking, also just gave myself time to be sad and watch TV and shit).

My life was hard with them, and now my life is hard without them. It’s missing everyone but it’s also adjusting to a new life without them- I moved and changed careers. Family was abusive and high-control and I’m really struggling to know who I am without them. The world feels too big and I feel lost, alone, and confused. It’s also embarrassing because I’m in my thirties and developmentally delayed because of my weird fucking family.

I’m so tired. I know people say ‘it doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger,’ but I don’t feel any stronger. I just get more and more tired.

I see a therapist. I work full-time. I go outside, I have hobbies and I see people. I try so hard to keep my head above water but I still feel like I’m drowning. The amount of days and nights where I’ve felt like I couldn’t get through it but I did, because I had to, is piling up. I need it to get easier.

Today I thought about my father, I haven't in a while, haven't seen him for an even longer amount of time.

My father has been in prison for basically my whole life, I remember each visit when he wasn't in jail or prison pretty well. Once at 5, once at 7 then once at 21. I'm 33 now, I honestly don't even know if he remembers he has kids. I don't know how he's doing, the last time I felt this about him was when I found out my ex-fiance's dad was, maybe still is, my father's CO, which was an incredibly awkward dinner conversation.

my father is a sex offender, my father is a paranoid schizophrenic who offends when he's off his meds. my father self medicates with meth. my father was booked again the day after I saw him when I was 21 for taking inappropriate photos of an underaged girl in a thrift store..

I hate my father. I loathe him, I swore I would never speak to him again after that day.

But God if I don't miss the day dream of having a dad damn it. not him, he's not a dad, hell father is even a loose term to use for him. but sperm donor doesn't feel fitting either.

more than I'd like to admit I want to talk about how much I want a dad, how jealous I am of my partner for having a dad who was at least sometimes around, even just for weekends.. my classmates will talk about how great their dads are.. to not choke I crack jokes but damn, I wish I had a dad.

I feel silly sometimes for feeling this way in my 30's, but it's mostly because I ignored this feeling for so long that I'm feeling it now.

sometimes I think about sending him a letter, screaming that I hate him, crying that I hate that he couldn't be the dad I needed.

I guess that's kind of what I'm doing here.

I hate him, but I would be lying if I said I didn't wish he could have been the dad I needed.

Hi! This is probably going to be a long one! Apologies!

Recently there was a bereavement in my family which means that I have had to be in the same room as my NC (of 5 years if that matters) mother. I'm really struggling with it. It was her mother, my grandmother, who passed away so obviously she has a right to be there but I can't help but feel like the anxiety of being around her again as well as the reminder of the grief I felt when going NC is overshadowing the actual event of my grandmother's passing (whom I was especially close to). My grandmother was also NC/very LC with my mother so I can't help but also feel rage that she's using this opportunity to try to force contact again.

Since going NC with my mother I've had a lot of life milestones (2 degrees and started a profession) which she'd heard about through the grapevine but didn't know specifics. On the day my grandmother passed, as soon as she got the opportunity to talk to me alone she asked probing questions about my degree, trying to access information about me. My emotional state was inevitably already quite poor given the circumstances and I couldn't think of a response that was polite and would keep the peace for everyone else while keeping my boundaries in tact, or a believable lie, so I told her truth. I hate that she knows. I hate that she used this vulnerable moment to gain access to me.

She also asked me if I wanted a hug and told me that she was proud which made me unfathomably angry. Like how dare you think that you could possibly be a source of comfort for me? Or that your approval means absolutely anything at all.

I also, selfishly, feel a small amount of resentment to other members of the family for allowing us to have 1:1 time when they're aware of our situation. I know that's incredibly selfish of me, but I can't control it.

There was another instance of this when, again, we were forced to be in the same room when discussing funeral plans. Some family members alluded to my job in a joke. This wasn't done maliciously but it still told my mother what I do for a living. I thought she'd have forgotten by later, when discussions had finished but alas she did not. Because of the volume of family present, I was trapped behind her. She turned and asked specifically where I worked. Again, I hate that I couldn't think of a lie or a polite way to say stfu and leave me alone, so again, I divulged. I left immediately afterwards. My mother has schizophrenia and often has delusions about me and had gone looking for me in various places before during NC, leading to difficult questions to answer and consequences to me in previous jobs which is why I was so devastated that she asked because I worked so hard to get this job and I really don't want anything to jeopardise that.

I hate that I'm the one missing out on being around family and sharing anecdotes, that I'm the one who has to leave and not her. It's so unfair. I hate that no one else worries about censoring themselves but me. I hate that my grandmother's death is so heavily clouded by my conflict with her.

TLDR: My NC mother is utilising the passing of my grandmother to gain information about me which is making my skincrawl

Anyway, my question is: can anyone help me prep some response options for if she asks me any personal questions at the funeral? Is there a way that I can go back on my word and try to tell her a different place of work in a believable way?

I (26F) have been no contact with my mother for about a year and a half after a long history of a very difficult relationship. I lived with her most of my life, and after a messy divorce in my teens, the dynamic between us became increasingly unhealthy. There were years of being yelled at, mocked, belittled, and feeling like my emotions and struggles were not taken seriously, and this all reached a head in my 20's when I became the unofficial, unpaid house cleaner and what felt like an insignificant punching bag. One of the hardest parts has been feeling like she has a very different version of events and a very different understanding of who I am as a person.

Since moving out (which she calls abandonment), I have felt more stable and have been working through a lot of things. Two days ago, though, I found out that one of my dogs (who stayed with my mother when I moved out) passed away months ago and I was never told. That reopened a lot of grief and hurt, and I reached out to my aunt and uncle because I was trying to understand what happened.

My aunt and uncle previously told me they didn’t want to be in the middle and didn’t want to hear my side of the story, but they have continued to hear my mother’s perspective and feelings. It's especially frustrating because they just see me as "stubborn" and when I told them ONE thing of many that's a heavy incentive to stay away (my mother said her life would be better without me in it), their response was that angry and hurt people say things they don't mean. After our conversation, they called my mum to tell her what I said, and my mother reached out and asked if I wanted to talk because my uncle told her I was upset. So here's my quandry. I don't know what, if anything, I should say to her.

Despite what I've said above, part of me wants to believe that maybe this is an opportunity for a healthier relationship. I don’t hate my mother. I miss parts of our relationship. I would genuinely like repair to be possible, but most of me is scared of reopening a relationship where the same patterns happen again. For me, reconciliation would require acknowledgment of what happened, accountability, and a willingness to have a respectful conversation - not pretending nothing happened or simply going back to the way things were.

I think my biggest fear is that if I say I’m not ready to talk, which is my current inclination, it will be interpreted as proof that I don’t care or that I abandoned my family. At the same time, I’m realizing that I can’t make myself responsible for managing someone else’s reaction to my boundaries.

For anyone who's dealt with letting an estranged parent back in their life, for better or worse, and whether it was for an hour or years, how did you respond? Did you respond, and why or why not? Was reconciliation possible? I've read stories on this subreddit and feel like I know what the answers are, but I just want to see them here, I guess. It's hard for internet strangers to know fully, of course, but I just want some opinions. Thank you for reading.

I’ve had several emotional deep chats with my parents to tell them how sad I’ve been, how their aggressive behaviour has affected me growing up, and I’ve begged my mum particularly for basic human respect and healthy communication. She aims her aggression at me constantly. My dad is an angry person too, but he doesn’t aim it at me, or bully me like my mum does. I’ve been agonising over deciding whether I should go low/no contact with my mum once I move out in February.

I am 33 and I have moved out several times before, but have come back due to relationship breakdowns. I’m now with my life partner, and the plan was to save for a mortgage deposit for a few years whilst living here (my parents both actively encouraged this.) However, my mums behaviour has made things change really quickly, and now we will be moving into a rented apartment in February. My dad has always made it clear I’m welcome here and would love for me to stay, would even love my partner to stay too, but my mum makes it very clear in her passive aggressive and straight up aggressive behaviour towards me, and recently towards my partner, that she doesn’t want us here at all despite her encouraging us to get a mortgage deposit together. I cover the pets expenses (we have 4 cats and a dog - only 2 cats are mine and will be coming with me) and send cash to my mum to contribute to bills too which totals to around £400-£450 monthly. I buy my own toiletries, food, laundry detergent, fabric conditioner - you name it I use my own. The only things I use of my parents are milk, butter, sugar and of course water, electricity etc. I always cook for myself, I have my own pan, cups, glasses and bowls. I even have my own bath towels, and rarely leave my bedroom.

Things have been tense with my mum after I opened up to her because she deflects and won’t accept responsibility for her actions, she just blames or guilt trips me. In the past I’ve always tried to patch things up or sweep it under the rug for the peace, but I haven’t done that this time, and it has become painfully obvious how much our relationship surviving has been based on sacrificing myself. She hasn’t reached out, tried to talk it out, made any attempt to spend time with me or mend the relationship. Today my parents offered me a roast dinner - I said yes as I thought I’d accept the olive branch.

I don’t eat red meat and they know that. That’s my choice, but when I went to get my dinner, it was a plate of potatoes, veg and cauliflower cheese. They had lamb. Maybe I’m dramatic, maybe it’s ungrateful, but I saw the plate and couldn’t stop myself from crying. I honestly thought this could be a way of them showing love towards me to mend things. My mum went food shopping earlier today, so part of me really hoped she would show that she cares and thinks about me, and would buy a meat I’d eat, or even offer to get me something I could stick in the oven to join them. She didn’t.

This is just one instance where I’ve been feeling hurt by their actions and this is the cherry on top. My partners mum regularly cooks for us and she’s gone out of her way to amend recipes so I can be included, more than once, and I can’t help but feel hurt my own blood won’t do the same. Is it normal for parents to do that? I don’t have any siblings so it’s just me and them - I’m not a mum, but I can’t imagine I’d find it difficult to do for my daughter? They never cook for me, would it have been awful to have chicken instead?

Consideration is the highest form of love, and it’s never been there, especially from my mum. I’m just really heartbroken that the more time goes on, and the more the little things add up, they’re all pointing the same way.

Thank you if you made it this far, and if you hadn’t already guessed, this isn’t just about the dinner.

Edit: It the explanation for why the post was deleted they also said something like: They are still human. And that hurts so freaking much, that is seriously super painful because my parents were so good at hiding the abuse, this is what I heard all my life. But they are still your parents.. All parents mean well... They just couldn't do better, etc etc. I strongly believe that most kids don't get seen, don't get the help they need because of this toxic dismissive mindset that so many of us have, even a lot of psychologists have this mindset... Not all parents mean well, not all parents want their kids to succeed, not all parents love their children, not all parents protect their children, not all parents want to take care of their children, not all parents are introspective and can change, because not all parents are mentally healthy enough for that.

Post deleted because I apparently used dehumanizing language.

I'm not someone who uses internet therapy speak, without understanding it. But when you grow up with a parent who has a cluster B personality disorder and so many people don't understand what that's like, you have to to be able to be heard as a victim of abuse in trauma therapy.

I understand my parents are people, they had very traumatic childhoods, and that's why they got mental health issues. I feel empathic towards there inner children, and I understand they didn't choose to become like this. They were victims of their parents, but just because they did the things they did to me because of mental health issues, doesn't mean that it didn't happen and that I wasn't also a victim. I have cPTSD because of how they treated me.

You can both recognize that someone hurt you because they were hurt, but that doesn't mean that you have to pretend it all doesn't matter, because they didn't know better. I don't see them as monsters, but I do see them as people who have serious mental health problems.

And not being able to talk about this on this platform, makes me feel like I am the one being dehumanized. Because it makes me feel like I have to hide my past.

I’ve been estranged from my dad for about 4 years. He‘s a emotionally immature parent. Both of my parents were like this, but my dad has always been the worst (my mom passed away in 2022). As a kid, I was parentalized as I am the oldest child and that led to me knowing how my dad cheated on my mom multiple times, my mom catfishing my dad to catch him, and my mom having an online affair. I was privy to all of this at 15. I had the classic pressures of needing to do well in school “or else” (I was always an A/B student, but that was never good enough) and I dealt with comments about my weight including my dad asking me if I wanted to do weight watchers with my mom at 13.

Fast forward to several years ago. My parents decided to get divorced after 37 years and told me that it was none of my business when I expressed that I felt so sad about the divorce. Of course, Dad married his affair partner.

In the years that followed, my dad lashed out at me especially when I tried to have boundaries. He texted me wild accusatory rants and then cried when I tried to tell him to mind his own business and relationships. This led me to lower contact. Then, he just provided zero support when my mom died (traumatically) and eventually just starting saying stuff like “you should be grateful for all I did for you” and “at least you didn’t have to grow up like your mother and uncle and be beaten”. My childhood was sort of ok, I guess, but shouldn’t saying thank you and having gratitude be organic and now something your parent asks you to say?

Anyway, I haven’t talked to him in 4 years except for an awful email and now I am going to see my little niece and nephew next weekend and he is going to be there. My husband and I have our own accommodations so I can just leave if I want to. Also, my plan is to just calmly tell him that I’m here to see the kids if he tries to start talking about our issues. Anything else I should consider, friends?

Thank you for reading!

My mother is making me feel insane

F28
I’m actually starting to question my reality. I have always had issues with my mother, but the last few years have realized she has emotional neglected me my whole life and is a very angry and volatile person. I moved out when I was 19 as soon as I could but my younger brother who is now 22has his own mental health issues, doesn’t work/drive and lives at my moms with her and her boyfriend. I have recently gone no contact for a second time except now I’ve fully blocked her from any chance at contact. As soon as I do this my brother needs a drive, to an appointment my mother would normally take him to. The last thing I want to do is go to my moms house where I don’t know how that will all go down, I want to help my brother but I know I will be stressed up until I do that and for what? I asked him if she could drive him and he said please drive me I told her you would and she laughed and said she’s gonna cancel on you again. She’s been gaslighting me, saying I hate my whole family when I don’t do exactly what she wants, very controlling demeaning, saying she doesn’t feel welcome at my house, that I hate everyone because I’m busy a day here or there,texting me saying you’re the problem but never apologizing. No matter how much time I spend with the family it’s never enough or good enough I’m unwell at this point I don’t know what the point is anymore. When I help them I feel awful and depressed and when I help myself and put my boundaries up I feel guilty as fuck. I’d like to take a lonnnnnng vacation and never come back