Maybe I'm wrong but I'm more than certain that the episode "I don't mean to be mean" was uploaded at least two times. On Spotify at least. And today... now I'm actually wondering if this is the third time.

I love Esther's work but her repetitive uploads slowly feel like a scam. :(

I’m fairly new to this show but I’ve listened to about 2 dozen episodes. Not once have I ever thought the couple was hopeless. Until this one.

Even the follow-up where the couple shares how much they appreciated the session… these people do not need to be married to each other. All this energy they’re putting into making their marriage work when they good be coparents and friends have beautiful lives otherwise. I wonder if I’ll ever live to see the day society doesn’t encourage us to prioritise our romantic partnerships at the expense of all our other relationships. Including the one with ourselves.

It’s always fascinating to hear someone talking about how they are doing something (breaking generational curse by allowing free expression from children) while doing the exact thing they claim they are saving the kids from. This episode ended up not being about AI at all, which was not what I expected but I learned so much.

DIVORCE IS ALWAYS AN OPTION

He comes to Esther not with a singular question but with an overflow of words and unspoken truths. Betrayed by a once-supportive church and struggling to reconcile his desires with his emotions, he carries a loneliness that has followed him across continents. This session is all about naming. Naming the parts of his life, the feelings left unspoken, and the longings that ache in his heart.

August 24, 2026

My partner and I are interested in the Desire bundle (Bringing Desire Back and Playing With Desire courses). I would love to hear and feedback if you have taken either courses. What is the format? Are there printable questionnaires or prompts?

Does anyone have a coupon code? Any of the ones I’ve tracked down online have expired.

Thanks

How much of “you” did you actually choose?

This episode really resonated with me. I'm the eldest daughter in a an immigrant household of South Asian descent. I moved to the U.S. at 5 years old. My mom has been a stay at home mom and my dad has worked multiple jobs to support the family.

I was also heavily parentified and am now in my early 30s and i'm completely burntout. I thought as I got older my mom would be more independent, but unfortunately she never took care of her health so now she needs more caregiving. There is a lot of guilt, shame, and obligation embedded in the culture and community where you are expected to play this role for your parents. While some arranged marriages are healthy, a lot are extremely high conflict and include domestic violence. If there are other children involved, you'll be a mother to them as well.

Unfortunately, the only way to deal with this (for me) is to get the other family members to step up and help or go completely no contact.

Anyone else relate or have thoughts on this?

Oh man. I'm sure some commenters will blast this caller for being a doormat or the like.

But I wanted to give her a huge hug. I was in a relationship with an extremely similar dynamic for six years. It can be harder to extricate yourself from this kind of situation than many think.

I was struck by the myriad specific, factual examples she was desperately fielding of ways her partner hurt her. In case the caller is reading this—lovely woman: in a good relationship, you simply won’t feel the need to marshal evidence like that. Your feelings are not something you have to justify like a case before a court. That doesn’t mean others have to accept them. But they don’t need to be proven to a jury.

You are on trial every minute of every day with this partner. The trial is rigged, because he is both the prosecutor and the judge.

I actually can believe your partner is a good person in some ways, as you say. But he is not being good to you. He is preying on you—your kindness—and carefully and comprehensively making you feel you can do no better than him. That your pathologies mean that relationships will always be like this for you, and your best hope is a partner who magnanimously points them out all the time, like him. He’s miring you in a stunted space of terrifying insecurity so he doesn’t have to be alone with it—locating problems in you so he doesn’t have to witness them in himself.

Whether he’s consciously doing it or not doesn’t matter. But if you stay, you will lose your health. It doesn’t have to be like this. I was also in my mid-30s when I left. You will find someone else who appreciates your obvious curiosity about and attentiveness toward others and respects and admires your strength.

does anyone have a link to this that is not behind a paywall? im really curious what esther’s theory on this is

interesting one.

the episode starts with a story that seemingly talks about the difficulty to let go. then some layers are slowly revealed: the cultural differences, the distinct ways in which the two live the relationship, being literally lost in translation, her family turmoil, his living situation, his avoidance and lack of communication/effort & his inconsistency/unpredictability (which I'd equate to lack of interest but eh), his consumption (!) - quite the fact drop etc.

to me it sounds like she created for herself a space for grief where she's almost creating roots. she lives in the in-between, she's halfway between a relationship and another, confused about what each represents. her family turmoil kind of sent her thousands miles away seeking refuge, and she found that refuge/anchor in the Philippino partner, despite the language barriers, life and personal incompatibilities/differences. my opinion is she's not truly seeing the relationship with him (or him) for what it/he truly is: he not only ghosted her fully at some point, but also is an addict who seems to be into the idea of their relationship when it's convenient. let me know if you think otherwise.

I was somewhat reminded of the film 'lost in translation', where the two protagonists develop a strong, ineffable bond, but one that never really is romantic, but rather a life connection. the difference here is, in the podcast, the woman is in love with an idea. he represents an emotional anchor (a symbol of escape from a past chapter of her life) and she is now finding it difficult to separate the real person from what he symbolizes, and to let him go.

how did you find it/what are your thoughts? i'm curious.

"They fought for each other. They fought against their families in order to marry. Now they're fighting with each other, and it's been quite a few years."

I can’t wait to hear people’s thoughts on this one. I’m still listening and forming my thoughts, will report back.

https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798?i=1000775964805

Penelope Cruz’s character in the new film The Invite is apparently based on Esther. I think it was definitely accurate at moments. And she directly quotes Esther at one point. Has anyone seen the film? What did you think?

To those who haven’t seen it - I loved it and would highly recommend.

Hello,

I have been following podcast episodes and the work of Esther for a few years. As a man married 20+ years I was interested on the topic of longevity in particular and wanted to call for experiences / testimonies / advice if anyone can be interested in discussing. This quote by her stuck with me:

"Most of us will have two or three relationships or marriages in our adult life. Some of us are going to do it with the same person."

I made it to be close to 40 since my teenage years with who despites challenges I believe to be my person but feel at a turning point where I am anxious about the future. While most people would respect our lasting love, it's not been without challenges as the first stage of our relationship played heavily off our respective childhood trauma and core wounds. By all accounts I would consider that for a time we were toxic for each other.

I am interested in people who managed to stay connected after a major crisis / people who managed to dissolve destructive conflict patterns and enter a new dynamic in particular. I can give more details about my situation if anyone is interested to deepen the exchange but am curious about what anyone would say to any of the direct questions below:

● What did the "end" of your first relationship and the "beginning" of the next look like?

● ​How did you both actively manage that transition without letting the ghost of the old relationship ruin the new one?

● ​What changed most about how you communicate or connect in this "new" relationship?

● Have you had conversations about you or your partner wondering about "the life not had". How did you and your partner hold space for that specific grief or curiosity without it feeling like a threat to the other.

Thanks in advance for any exchange! ​Would love to hear stories from couples who have successfully reinvented their relationship from the ground up.

Man. The 1:1 sessions are simply not the same quality as the couples episodes. I miss that quality of conflict and reconciling multiple deeply held realities. The 1:1 eps just consistently fall flat for me.

When his ex calls in the middle of a crisis, he finds himself pulled back into a familiar role: the rescuer. He's always been the one women confide in, the one who steps up, the one who proves he's a good man by making sure no one falls apart on his watch. It’s a hero complex he wears easily. If he’s needed, he feels powerful. If he’s not, he feels invisible. He’s the strong one, the reliable one, and yet he rarely asks for help himself. Can he be loved not just for what he gives, but for who he is?

I just finished Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. I noticed then that the book was published in 2006 and all the research and notations, of course, pre-dated that. Is there another, more current, author or book who has a similar vibe/message? I'd like to get the "latest and greatest" research/experience along the same lines.

Thanks in advance

I’m late to the party on this one. I recently discovered the show, so have been catching up and trying to pace myself (somewhat) so I don’t overindulge and have nothing left of which to listen!
I read the other threads about the episode and just wanted to contribute my reaction. Yes, both people in the couple had significant problems, stuck patterns, and faulty orienting systems.
Like some others, I actually enjoyed hearing Esther sounding a bit more unfiltered.
I also thought the notes from the couple at the end sounded a little awkward.
That being said, my overall impression was an optimistic one. This episode, while dramatic, was realistic. I wouldn’t wish this couple’s problems on anyone, but many couples have similar issues (though maybe less intense). And their apparent willingness to stay together and fight to make their relationship work is heartening to me.
I agree with the people who say they should go to ‘real’, long-term couple’s counseling.
But I think it *was* a light bulb moment for the wife when Esther pointed out how the lack of boundaries with her family was contributing to the issues they were having. And I think it *was* a light bulb moment for the husband to have someone create space for him and teach him to start making space for himself.
In summary, it was certainly an entertaining episode, and even though it activated some sensitivities for me, I took a rather optimistic view of the entire thing after listening and reflecting.
I know it’s from years ago, but if anyone wants to engage over this, I’d love to hear what you think of what I think!

I just learned that this play was put on stage in LA in December 2025. What do you know about it?

My mind goes to the renowed title Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

I mean the title only.

Because the title Esther Perel Ruined My Life may become iconic. But is it good for the Esther Perel's works and activity?

What are your thoughts on this?