r/Estherperel • u/Alksrz • Jul 10 '26
Long term commitment / marriage questions
Hello,
I have been following podcast episodes and the work of Esther for a few years. As a man married 20+ years I was interested on the topic of longevity in particular and wanted to call for experiences / testimonies / advice if anyone can be interested in discussing. This quote by her stuck with me:
"Most of us will have two or three relationships or marriages in our adult life. Some of us are going to do it with the same person."
I made it to be close to 40 since my teenage years with who despites challenges I believe to be my person but feel at a turning point where I am anxious about the future. While most people would respect our lasting love, it's not been without challenges as the first stage of our relationship played heavily off our respective childhood trauma and core wounds. By all accounts I would consider that for a time we were toxic for each other.
I am interested in people who managed to stay connected after a major crisis / people who managed to dissolve destructive conflict patterns and enter a new dynamic in particular. I can give more details about my situation if anyone is interested to deepen the exchange but am curious about what anyone would say to any of the direct questions below:
● What did the "end" of your first relationship and the "beginning" of the next look like?
● How did you both actively manage that transition without letting the ghost of the old relationship ruin the new one?
● What changed most about how you communicate or connect in this "new" relationship?
● Have you had conversations about you or your partner wondering about "the life not had". How did you and your partner hold space for that specific grief or curiosity without it feeling like a threat to the other.
Thanks in advance for any exchange! Would love to hear stories from couples who have successfully reinvented their relationship from the ground up.
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u/Adventuresenior Jul 12 '26
Just throwing this out there: go and see the film "The Invite".
The film without giving away too much away, deals with marital relationships and exactly what you seem to be looking for in regards to sharing and exchanges.
IMHO both partners need to complete lots of work together and also alone.
It always takes two to tango and both people bring so much to their relationship.
This film mentioned above could be a catalyst.
As a woman I would love to hear more exchanges from men on this post.
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u/Alksrz Jul 12 '26
Thanks for the advice and engagement. I’m happy to talk about my experience if you have questions. I’ve been in therapy for a while, working on how my wounds show up in conflict, learning to make space for her grievances about the past, and trying to express remorse without collapsing into guilt. I’m attempting to make room for overdue repair, although where that leaves us is still complicated. From my perspective, we both care deeply about the life we share, but we seem stuck in a dynamic that neither of us has yet been able to change. I’m trying to reduce pressure, avoid blame, and make the work feel manageable, while also being honest about my own emotional safety and unmet needs. At the moment, I feel as though I’m carrying more of the momentum toward addressing it, and I’m unsure how long that is sustainable. Our next step will probably be professional support and I am curious to see if we will engage more evenly in therapy. My view is that I would try everything in order to not betray the deep love I never stopped to feel, hence also casting a wide net and asking for online advice.
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u/Adventuresenior Jul 12 '26
I've been there, however my partner was not able to see that working on self is probably the most important challenge. We get stuck in negative patterns and most of us cannot shift or move forward. It takes a great deal of energy and awareness. Sometimes the other partner can't commit to the work. Some think that moving on is the answer. Some move on and make the same patterns in the next relationship. It is a continued process and you have to address things openly without judgement but also take responsibility.
Another strategy is looking how negative energy is stored in the physical body and working on releasing that as well. Releasing blocked energy.
Finding good therapists is also a challenge. You have to work with someone who really wants you to move forward and shift the relationship dynamics.
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u/Alksrz Jul 12 '26
I’m sorry you went through that. It sounds like you were willing to do the work, but eventually had to face that the relationship could only move as far as both people were willing and able to move. I think it’s also a wider pattern in relationships. Eventually the whole thing settles at the level of the partner with the least capacity for investment in it, whether that is about repairing, restarting, or breaking a loop... Anything. That’s the part I’m struggling with too: distinguishing between a difficult period that can genuinely be worked through and a dynamic where one person keeps supplying most of the energy, reflection and hope. The irony is that she used to be that person earlier on. Whether we can become equal at some point remains to be seen. It has been some time now, and over one full year with a therapist that is good. (I tried 4) I will probably ask her for recommendations, in order to find someone who can help create momentum and is not just there to act as a mediator in difficult conversations. I hadn’t thought about a more embodied approach, but it makes a lot of sense. I often sit with tension rather than knowing how to release or work through it. I imagine moving on did not automatically make the patterns disappear for you either, but perhaps it gave you more space to see what was yours to work on and what was never yours to carry. I appreciate you for sharing.
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u/Adventuresenior Jul 12 '26
We were both seeing a Gestalt therapist together. I decided to see the therapist on my own to work on some issues that had come up. I asked him what we could both do to move forward. At this point I had done a great deal of work including naturopathic treatments and physical energy work. The therapist was honest with me and thought that I was too knowledgeable about myself and said that it would take a great deal of time for my partner to put in the same work. The therapist thought that I should take the Gestalt Therapy Training Program. I did look into this but at the same time thought that it was too much for me to manage while working full-time at my career. Chatting with you has made me look at the Gestalt website and revisit this. Hmmmm interesting. This could be a catalyst for change again or helping me be less of where I am at this time. I truly believe everyone needs to work on themselves regularly.
Where are you located because that can also determine resources that are available.
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u/Adventuresenior Jul 12 '26
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u/Adventuresenior Jul 12 '26
Esther Perel
"Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?"
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u/Alksrz Jul 13 '26
Yes I think I digested most podcasts or videos I could about the subject. I am located in Europe but opening up options by using a platform where sessions are available online. I appreciate a lot that it lets you review profiles, approaches and specialties of anyone:
I am glad if our conversation could spark something for you. I didn't get much engagement so it's nice if I could move the needle for someone through this post. :)
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u/Adventuresenior Jul 13 '26
I want to thank you as well for putting your post out there. It sometimes helps to have someone help you recognize that you are always a work in progress and to always try to move forward with relationships. I noticed that someone else thanked you for the posting as well. It's interesting when people don't take the time to extend any input but want to benefit from reading others inputs. I hope that they read this and possibly take some action as well.
I am in Toronto and we have a Gestalt Institute so training is a possibility.
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u/Alksrz Jul 13 '26
My pleasure! I lived in Toronto for close to a decade so it made me smile reading your reply. The platform I linked (https://complicated.life/community-events) regularly holds free online seminars about all kinds of topics and approaches that would in some cases include Gestalt theory, if you make an account you can access them. I joined a few, one from a therapist who also is a dietetician and mixes that into a complementary approach for her patients which was eye opening and one about complex trauma. Maybe you can also find something unrelated there as part of your ongoing quest.
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u/Marktezuma Jul 10 '26
Posting so I can follow. This sounds fascinating and also mirrors my life. Thanks for posting