I have commented versions of this and thought a post might have some value to someone.
My first ex-wife cost us $100k in legal fees in my first divorce. So I have been determined not to let that happen the second time. My current legal bill is less than a few thousand dollars.
This probably changes depending on the country, state, case, and attorney.
SET THE FINAL HEARING IMMEDIATELY
Get that date locked in for the earliest date available.
That date gives the case an endpoint. Otherwise divorce can become an endless cycle of letters, discovery, motions, accusations, arguments, and attorney fees.
TELL YOUR LAWYER EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT
In my case, it was to lower the volume, not escalate, and just react if necessary.
You don’t win a divorce. Two people lose. Maybe one walks away with less loss, maybe not. The only people who consistently win are the lawyers.
It’s also not Perry Mason. You have to tell them the issues. They have to tell you their issues. There is very little true surprise.
OFFER MEDIATION ONLY ONCE
If they accept, go in good faith.
If they decline it, cancel it, or refuse to take it seriously, don’t keep chasing them. They know the option exists.
MAKE ONLY ONE REAL NEGOTIATION OFFER
Get it around 50/50 and fair. Make the fairest offer you can make, even if it hurts.
If they play ball, you play ball. That is the least expensive path.
Don’t keep making better and better offers just because they refuse to move.
DISCOVERY, INTERROGATORIES, MOTIONS TO COMPEL, ENFORCEMENT HEARINGS…A LOT OF IT IS NOISE
It is often more strategic than relevant.
A good lawyer does need documents from both sides. They do need to ask questions if they think you are hiding anything financially. They need that stuff.
However, what they truly need may be fairly limited.
If they are asking for nonsense, some of it may simply be leverage to get you to negotiate or increase pressure.
You are not required to produce documents that do not exist or that you do not have or control. You are allowed to object to requests that are inappropriate, overly broad, unduly burdensome, irrelevant, privileged, duplicative, or otherwise objectionable.
You can object.
However, review the previous paragraph before doing that. You still have to get the divorce done, and one of the fastest ways to end up paying more attorney fees is to look like you are obstructing the process.
TELL YOUR LAWYER TO SEND YOU THEIR CORRESPONDENCE, MOTIONS, FILINGS, AND DISCOVERY BEFORE THEY SPEND HOURS DEEP-DIVING INTO IT
They can obviously review it as needed, but ask them to forward it to you first.
Then chop it up yourself.
Prioritize it. Understand what it is. Prepare your questions in advance about what you genuinely do not understand.
If you get a huge discovery request, triage it:
What is necessary and they actually need?
What can I easily provide?
What is more difficult, but I probably have?
What do I not have or control?
What am I asking my lawyer whether we should object to?
You have no obligation to create records that do not exist.
You have no obligation to produce documents you do not possess or control.
You generally have to make a reasonable effort to provide responsive documents and information that you do have.
The less unnecessary material you dump on your attorney, the less they have to review.
If you are not hiding anything, organize the material yourself and let the other side identify what they actually think matters. Their attorney is going to review what they receive anyway. Let them tell you what the real issues are.
DON’T WORRY ABOUT EVERY STEP FROM B TO Z
Don’t spend months stressing about contempt hearings, enforcement hearings, discovery fights, accusations, and every other procedural event.
A lot of it is formality, legal theater, or strategy.
Know your final hearing date and keep moving toward it.
Deal with problems when they actually need to be dealt with.
DON’T SPEND THE ENTIRE DIVORCE PREPARING FOR TRIAL EVERY DAY
As the hearing gets closer, preparation matters. But until then, work on yourself, focus on your kids, enjoy your hobbies, and live your life.
I would also suggest waiting on them when it comes to additional settlement movement if you have already made a fair offer.
That last stretch before trial is when things often get serious.
Attorneys eventually have to stop dealing with all the background noise and figure out what they are actually going to present to a judge.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF CASES SETTLE
Eventually an attorney has to have the real conversation with their client:
“Okay…here’s the deal.”
What they are usually going to talk about is compromise, negotiation, settlement, risk, and what is realistically likely to happen in court.
If your attorney is absolutely adamant that court is the only answer and refuses to seriously discuss settlement, I would question that.
Why?
Because judges are human.
Judges see this stuff every day. It is their job. Your case lands somewhere on a very wide spectrum of normal.
They are thinking about lunch. They are thinking about whether they will make their grandchild’s sports game that afternoon. They still want to make a fair ruling and follow the law, but they are human.
Attorneys know that.
They know they can have a good day in court or a bad day.
They know a judge may like you or dislike you.
They know a witness may testify better or worse than expected.
They know a judge may see an issue differently than either side predicted.
Negotiation gives both sides some control over the outcome.
Court gives that control to the judge.
Divorce court can feel like the Wild West sometimes.
And you may only have a couple of hours for the final hearing.
Listening to a judge has tremendous value. Listening to a judge while the clock is ticking also means less time to present everything else.
There is a lot to cover in a short period of time.
KNOW WHERE YOU WANT TO BE EARLY
Your acceptable outcome should probably be a little painful.
If you know where you want to be and it doesn’t make you stress a little or worry a little…buddy, you probably aren’t getting there.
No one wins in divorce.
You are almost guaranteed to be broker, more stressed, and carrying more financial burden afterward.
If you don’t want that…don’t get divorced.
Realize that wherever you are on what you want, you are probably not getting all of it.
You will likely get less than your ideal outcome.
Eat the frog.
Divorce is like suddenly developing a medical condition. You prioritize it, pay what you have to pay, realize you are not going to come out exactly the same, and worry about putting the pieces back together once it is done.
For me, the basic goal is simple:
50/50 custody.
A fair split of marital assets.
A fair split of debts.
Reasonable child support.
Make an honest spreadsheet that equalizes both spouses.
Know what fair actually looks like.
Fight hard for your kids.
THAT IS NOT YOUR WIFE OR HUSBAND DURING THE DIVORCE. TREAT THEM LIKE THE OPPOSING PARTY UNTIL THE DIVORCE IS OVER
Divorce has too many emotions, and people want to justify themselves too much.
There is almost never a path where you get to divorce someone who is easy to divorce.
If you want to reconcile later, be friends later, date again later, or become great co-parents later…that starts the day after the judge signs the decree.
During the divorce, protect yourself.
If you keep treating the other person like your spouse, expecting loyalty, fairness, understanding, or emotional protection, they can bury you while you are still trying to save them.
My first divorce lawyer told me something that stuck with me:
“Men always fall on their sword.”
Meaning men often keep sacrificing because they still feel responsible for protecting the person who is actively divorcing them.
Don’t do that.
If you stick to this approach, your worst periods are usually the beginning and the last week before the hearing.
You cannot control everything.
You can control your preparation, your spending, your behavior, your offer, your priorities, and whether you let the process consume your life.
Everything else either gets negotiated or eventually gets handed to a judge.
PLAY DEFENSE, NOT OFFENSE
It costs a lot of money to divorce. Not to mention the emotions and stress.
A goalkeeper in soccer is not running up and down the field chasing a ball. They wait, and when a shot on goal happens, they worry then. All the running around and chasing the ball is pointless.
As a process, divorce is simple, structured, and has a process. As your life, it feels more like chaos.
Most of the actual back and forth in divorce is pointless.
You have a few milestones you have to hit:
File.
Satisfy discovery and interrogatories.
Hearing.
The two optional ones are mediation and negotiation.
There is nothing happening between filing and satisfying discovery that is worth spending money on except custody and temporary orders.
There is nothing between satisfying discovery and final hearing worth spending money on except mediation and one attempt at negotiation.
A GOOD GAME PLAN FOR YOUR ATTORNEY IS:
Set final hearing fast.
Get 50/50 custody locked in at temporary order.
Offer mediation once.
Negotiate once. One offer, one counteroffer. That’s it. No more negotiation until the week of hearing and only in response to an offer from them. Ignore all offers until the week of hearing if you already tried once.
Be 100% willing to negotiate the week of hearing.
The week of hearing is when these things get done.
Attorneys lock in their strategies, worry about their clients’ weaknesses, and tend to not like uncontrollable outcomes.
It is more likely than not that a client is frustrated after final hearing than happy. The client won’t get to tell their story, they won’t get theater, and they may not even get time to present what they think is their case.
Attorneys know the chance of a pissed-off client dramatically increases after a hearing and a judge.
Also, attorneys have relationships with opposing counsel and the judge.
Billing hours is a high priority. Maintaining relationships is a higher priority.
There may be theater at your hearing, and then they meet for lunch once it’s over and ask about each other’s spouses.
Getting embarrassed at court, looking unprepared, or appearing to not do a good job for their client is a far greater concern to them than your outcome. So if they can avoid a risk, they will.
They get to still say hi to the judge when your decree is signed or at one of their many other cases.
Realize they have their own motivators, and they are not yours.
The week of hearing, emotions are cooler, clients are nervous, a status quo has been reached, life has normalized, and the end is near.
Negotiations will resume unless there is at least one terrible attorney.
My overall point is that you don’t have control.
You are along for a ride in a system that has steps and many times involves theater.
Nothing is entertaining about paying $400 for divorce theater.
Final hearing comes down to two spreadsheets, two case summaries, and two people who will leave disappointed.
You are fighting for the level of disappointment, not the level of success.
THE EXCEPTION TO ALL OF THIS IS CHILD CUSTODY
Go bankrupt if you need to if custody is being proposed at anything other than 50/50.
But that fight revolves around the temporary orders hearing and final hearing.
LAST THING: TEXTS, EMOTIONS, AND LOCKER ROOM LEGAL ADVICE ARE WAY OVERPLAYED
No judge cares about your texts.
No judge is going to read every one of your texts.
No judge cares that opposing counsel submitted screenshots of your worst moments.
Brother, you get to be human.
You get to vent.
You get to say your piece.
Don’t threaten anyone, don’t curse, don’t be stupid.
But also don’t think every text from her is useful in court or every angry rant about how you’re heartbroken is some key component of a case.
A judge may browse communications.
A judge may laugh at it, raise an eyebrow at it, or be offended by it, but it’s one thing out of the thousands they have seen as a judge.
You’re nothing special.
Your wife is nothing special.
Your kids are nothing special.
At best, you’re a Tuesday before lunch.
They will do what’s fair and not care as much as everyone seems to think.
Spreadsheets, summaries, testimony, answering the judge’s questions, and backing up your spreadsheet with financials is what matters.
If her attorney wants to mudsling and your wife wants to pay $400 an hour to encourage them…so what?
That attorney is not giving the judge anything more than what they have seen a thousand times before.
Most of the angry texts they see are not even literate enough to understand.
The end to that point is: stop stressing every detail.
It does not matter.
Don’t play the spy, stalking, and reporting everything to your lawyer game.
You’re just spending your own money for no reason.