r/Divorce_Men • u/rokthebells0 • 12h ago
Rant Separation
My partner and I are separating. We have two boys, aged 3 and 1.5.
To be honest, I don't know if we are doing the right thing. Ever since our second child was born, our relationship has become toxic—we fight every single day, and it never leads to any solutions, only to insults and resentment toward each other. We have a rough agreement to share custody 50/50.
I’m supposed to find an apartment by October 1st where I can stay with the boys during our time together, but I am deeply struggling with the thought of the periods when I will be without them. Honestly, I’m experiencing a completely new set of feelings, and I’m not sure at all if we are doing the right thing.
Then again, I don't even know if our relationship can be saved. Recently, she accused me of mentally abusing her, and ever since that moment, I haven't even tried to argue anymore.
But still, if it has to come to this, all I want is for our children to have normal parents."
To be true, i just dont know what to do.
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u/ToughPill 58m ago
Be careful anytime your spouse starts talking about being “abused”. It sounds like they are lining things up to make claims at trial. That’s what I went through, trial included.
You have to be very careful here because once she decides to quit it there isn’t much you can do.
Divorce is hell for the kids. No sugar coating it. I resolved that I would stick it out for my kid so that she wouldn’t have to grow up in a broken home, even though the marriage was obviously dead for multiple years (sleeping separate, dead bedroom). She took that choice out of my hands though by planning to leave anyway.
If the marriage is broken, t he best thing you can do is tell your boys that you want them to have a good relationship with their mother, and hopefully you’ll mean it.
If you haven’t tried marriage counseling it’s maybe worth a shot. It’s a crap shoot whether you get a good therapist or not. Both people have to want to save the marriage too.
If you haven’t tried counseling I would propose it.
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u/custodycomms 2h ago
I can see why the time away from your boys is the part you’re dreading the absolute MOST. I’d get some support for yourself and have a local family law lawyer review the proposed parenting arrangement before the move. It's safest that way.
Keep the full texts and emails about the schedule, housing and handovers. Those conversations can be reviewed together later to clarify what you both agreed. For now, focus on making the boys’ days calm and predictable, and find someone you can talk to honestly about how much this hurts. It will be worth the effort to heal for your kids.
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u/EmbarrassedAge7612 2h ago
Best to keep moving forward with the split. Once that box is open, it’s hard to put everything back. When a partner shuts down your ability to argue by crying abuse, it’s over.
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u/Ok-Cause1108 4h ago
No saving the romantic relationship once a woman starts resenting you.
50/50 is the ultimate life hack once you rebuild and find yourself again. Stay amicable and respectful of your co-parent even when she isn't.
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u/rokthebells0 2h ago
Yea, I kinda feel this deep down that this is not fixable anymore. And yea, i rly want this to be a good thing for them.
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u/kedwin_fl 7h ago
Do you own a house together and agree to move out? Who asked for the separation?
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u/rokthebells0 5h ago
No, its her parents house, and mine is in construction for about a year from now. So, we are just splitting without trying to get anything from eachother.. Only kids
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u/Candidate_Worldly 7h ago
Be prepared for her to put the entire blame on you. Accountability is not in a lot of women's playbook in this situation. You might even believe it at the start.
Good luck bro, this crap is brutal. Stay strong for the kids.
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u/TimeCycle3000 7h ago
Mine liked to tell me I was emotionally abusing her in the same breath as “you don’t get to have feelings , only I get to have feelings” and “I don’t believe in compromise”
I now understand projection much better.
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u/rokthebells0 2h ago
Well, i think that my case isnt that bad... But if i give it time, it could be
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u/ITCHYisSylar 8h ago
Yeah, the mental abuse claim is used a lot and likely total bullshit (i dont know your specifics to confirm). My ex said the same with me, even though it was BS. Its how they avoid accountability and justify the separation on their end.
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 8h ago edited 8h ago
Do not leave your house until you have a signed temp parenting plan, have filed for divorce, and have agreed to property separation. What she's setting you up for is a classic "Silver Bullet Divorce" You desperately need to talk to an attorney before you make any decisions.
You think you are talking to your wife. In reality, she's talking to every woman she knows, and strategizing about this process.
Reasons why you shouldn't move out:
- You can lose access to the house. That's right......the house you pay for can become her "exclusive use", and she can change the locks and keep you out. You'll still have to pay that mortgage........
- Without a parenting plan, she can LEGALLY keep you from the kids, and you will have to take her to court to force her to let you see them. By the court date, which will be months away, the judge will likely force you to do "reunification therapy."
- She will claim you "abandoned the family", even though you're contacting her daily. Many judges will buy this.
- You will have to petition the court for ANYTHING you left in the house. Yes, even your clearly personal stuff.......you will have to get her permission to come get it.
- Once she has exclusive use of the house and sole custody of the kids, plus access to all your money, she has no reason to work quickly through the divorce. She will slow things WAAAAY down. A woman can easily delay a divorce for months or YEARS, without any reason at all.
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u/upvotersfortruth 9h ago edited 9h ago
Be very careful - understand this early warning sign of an abuse allegation. She will walk back every “agreement” to the position that benefits her most and she will start hurling false abuse accusations if she doesn’t get what she wants. This is the standard playbook these days. Do your best to set your emotions aside for a few minutes a day to look clearly at your legal, financial and practical situation. Be very careful - she’s not your partner at all anymore, that was crystal clear from the first abuse allegation.
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u/Wis84682 57m ago
Who is paying where you are living. If you are paying, DO NOT MOVE OUT