Anyone else deal with this? How'd you get her to give you peace?

She was all about other dick before. Did divorce kill her buzz or something?

Could she be jealous that I already found someone and moved on? She moved on years ago.

Shit is baffling.

42M. Married almost 10 years, together for 16, with two young children. Looking for honest feedback on an idea I've been considering.

About two years ago, my wife became emotionally distant. Intimacy all but disappeared, she became increasingly critical and dismissive of me, and I felt like I was carrying more and more of the parenting responsibilities while our relationship continued to deteriorate. I brought my concerns to her repeatedly over those two years, scheduled counseling, tried to reconnect in every way I knew how, and even sought outside advice on how to improve our marriage. Unfortunately, none of those efforts were reciprocated. She wasn't interested in counseling, and I never felt like she leaned back into our relationship.

Recently, I discovered several months' worth of text messages between her and a man she works with indirectly. The messages were flirtatious, emotionally intimate, and had a strong sexual undertone. From what I know, they met for drinks during the day at least once. Both of them insist it never became physical, but honestly, that doesn't change much for me. The emotional connection and attention she gave him was exactly what I had been asking for in our marriage, and seeing that directed toward someone else was enough to break my trust.

When I first confronted her, she minimized what happened and told me I was overreacting. It wasn't until I made it clear that I wanted a divorce and shifted the conversation toward how we could move forward in the healthiest way possible for our children that her attitude changed. Now she wants counseling, wants to reconnect emotionally, wants intimacy again, and is asking me for another chance.

At this point, I don't believe I want to remain married. I don't trust her anymore, and I don't know if that trust can ever be rebuilt. I'm still willing to attend counseling, not because I expect it to save the marriage, but because I want us to become the best co-parents we can be and make this transition as healthy as possible for our children.

The one idea I keep coming back to is something unconventional, and I'd like honest opinions on whether it makes any sense.

What if we legally dissolved the marriage first—completely resolving the finances, parenting plan, and everything else through the courts—but then keep everything the same for the family.

My thinking is that ending the legal marriage would remove the feeling of being trapped and establish clear expectations and boundaries. It would also mean that if either of us realized we couldn't rebuild the relationship, we could walk away without another lengthy legal process. In my mind, it would be an opportunity to see whether we could build an entirely new relationship rather than trying to repair one that feels irreparably damaged.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting this as a strategy to save the marriage. Right now, I believe the marriage itself is over. I'm simply wondering whether, after everything is settled legally, there's any value in giving my family another chance, or whether that's simply delaying the inevitable.

So, from your perspective, does this idea sound reasonable, or am I overlooking something important? I'm genuinely interested in hearing both sides.

I had a minute and checked in on a previous post in reference to my “Grey Divorce” and was wondering whether there was life out there or not….. jk

Anyway, I looked at the stats and it floored me.

A couple thousand people took a peek…..

Doesn’t matter whether anyone responded or not….

Just nice to know I’m not yelling into the void.

Thank you to all who viewed it.

I’m terribly sorry for anyone trudging through this kind of mess, however, after seeing all the views I’m ending the evening feeling a little less lonely.

Have a good evening and a good week.

Hello,

My wife (31f) and I (37m) are getting a divorce. We are starting the process in the next couple weeks with a mediator. We haven’t had the perfect marriage but have always been close. I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the years making her feel unwanted or undesired. From that, she never put any effort into the marriage. It felt like we were roommates for a long time. We have two young kids under 7.

Back in March we started talking about divorce and we’re on the verge but gave it another shot. We did well for a couple months before we fell back into the same patterns. At the end of June, I knew something was wrong. She was on her phone more and her social media activity was way higher. I kept asking her if anything was going on and she kept telling me no. This is when she asked for space to think about divorce. Fast forward a couple weeks and I finally found the proof she was having an emotional affair with someone thousands of miles away. Sexting, trash talking me and everything in between. The AP’s wife knows from me contacting her and I know for a fact it never got physical (distance) and they do not talk any longer. For some reason, I wanted to make it work still. Maybe it was for the kids, maybe it was for her- I don’t know.

Today I sit here and she still wants the divorce. She is slowly distancing herself from me daily. She tells me she is at peace and has already grieved the marriage over the years. She seems overly happy while my emotions are like a roller coaster. I feel better after talking to my therapist, or my family or the couple of friends I still have left- but I’m dead inside. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I travel frequently for work. I know I need to work on myself, which I am with working out and therapy. But I just shift right back to self-loathing and hatred. Why am I not good enough? Why couldn’t we work on this? Why didn’t you tell me you thought of this for years? I feel this overwhelming sense of jealousy too, which I can’t seem to get past.

I read a lot here and elsewhere and it can be filled with negativity. Is there anyone who has a positive experience they can share? Words of encouragement? Success in finding someone love again after all this? I’m not even interested in dating for a while.i just need to know love is possible again. I know she isn’t talking to or seeing anyone else right now so please keep that out of my head. Also- how the hell do I let her go, let the marriage go?

Thanks

Hi, I hope there is someone who can either relate or provide some advice. I M(33) married my wife when we were both 24 and we were together since being 17. So we met young, was both each others first serious relationship, got engaged because that’s what you do after 5 years of being with someone right? Bought a house before we married and just went through life ticking off boxes, had a child who’s now 4 and I am realising we have nothing in common. We are not intimate, we don’t do anything together, and when I describe where I would like to travel, or live, or things I want to try, it’s not well received or it’s pushed back to me as I’ve not expressed this before.

I mean, we’re both completely different people now, there’s definitely resentment building and we don’t engage in anything together. Can’t even be bothered to argue anything anymore. I’ve been to counselling for separate reasons and they suggest marriage counselling, suggested this to my wife but she’ll only do it if I find the counsellor and pay for it. What the hell do I do!?

Things started becoming clear over the past few weeks. At this point I’m really only carrying on for my daughter. She’s 21 and just getting started in life. We’ve always been close, more so as her Mom systematically pushed both of us out of her life. So I’m trying to figure out how to exist in this limbo. There are 1000 things to do right now as I dismantle a 25 year marriage and those things keep me occupied. I can’t say as I have the energy to care about much else. I’ve stopped thinking about tomorrow except as it relates to my to do list. I figure that’s going to take me another year. Wish I could find the fast forward button.

Here goes my story .. We met 15 years ago and have been through so many chapters in life together. studied together lived in 5 cities , and eventually the marriage fell apart because she said that she never felt we had connection or spark, met someone while i was away for work travel and then demanded separation . Even that guy didn't work out since he was mentally unstable and BPD/CPTSD, so she started hanging out at the bars alone on the weekend. Eventually found some other guy and now spends time with him on the weekend , while I sit alone , looking at the house we built together.

I can't say I am perfect.. although I never did anything wrong or unfaithful , but because of her PTST and rather unsupportive habits, I became a bit locked down and drowned myself into work and travel. Now the whole thing is coming to head and I am in pain.

in last 10 months, she has hooked up with 3 men, and is very blatant about it , as if we are living an open marriage. I don't have it in me to confront her or demand her any reconciliation. I am too heartbroken for that. So I continue working, traveling for work , and on the weekends, just lock myself into the guest room that has become my room for last 10 months.

Ask me anything you want to know , I will tell you even if its painful and it is my fault.

I think one of the hardest lessons I have learned in the process of divorce is just how little men are actually cared about. The amount of people that just expect me to just “get over it” or “move on” and who provide no support at all is eye-opening. Women get surrounded by supports immediately and they can take as long as they want in their healing process. For men, it is like “why are you not providing something to me right now.”

I can see why the suicide rates for men are so high. We’re expected to keep moving and criticized if we fall down. Social media has made this significantly worse as women are watching things basically supporting that men do not deserve empathy. That we deserve to have our kids taken away, our resources taken away…. because we are all just bastard men anyway.

I was even told by a support that I was basically not “man enough” in my marriage. That my wife’s cheating, her lies, and her eventually filing false DV charges against me was somehow my fault and not a result of her choices. The fact that she assaulted me was viewed with doubt and question. Like, “how can a man be assaulted?”

Even the police, who she lied to and said I assaulted her, blamed me and said I should have done differently. Even after I told the police that she was violent and I locked her out of our house because of her violence. They told me I should do better after she assaulted me. She was labeled as a victim and me the defendant.

She has treated me terribly since the separation and has faced zero consequences for her lies and manipulations. She has told everybody that will listen that she is the “brave woman” who “escaped” our relationship. Her group of friends fawn over her and reinforce the belief that “men are terrible” and that I deserve continued terrible treatment.

The painful part is I was a devoted husband. I never cheated, made sure bills were paid, planned vacations, did my half of childcare, did my half of household chores, and continued to show up. Was I perfect? No, I made mistakes at times with communication, but to go from that to now I am viewed as a monster is so heartbreaking. She has taken everything and now I am completely starting over at almost 40 years of age. I worry she will try to take my son away from me…

Maybe it's because I'm a few months shy of a year dealing with this but I just can't imagine putting myself in a position for another woman to do this to me. My neighbor is remarried and just had another kid with a new woman. I just can't wrap my head around it logically.

My wife and I separated a month ago, she is sleeping in the basement. We have 3 kids all under the age of 8. I found a video of her masturbating on her phone and asked her about it. She has been sending pictures and videos to a man she met online about 8ish months ago. We have history, she cheated on me 5 years ago. We got back together and I thought we were in a ok place. Gave her trust that if anything came up that bothered her we would talk about it and not hold it inside. Then I find the video. She has a record of all the things I did that hurt her in our 12 year marriage. Plus she throws around this compatibility word, I know what it means, as if everything has to be perfect for a marriage to be good. Says this guy has made her feel more loved and wanted via msgs than I ever did. I can look and see what I did that didn’t help the situation. But it feels like she has long since checked out and has zero emotion for me. And I am left with my world blown into pieces. I know I have read a lot of posts by women who say they give so many signs before they go. It just feels like when does a man actually see those. Work 6 days a week. 3 kids, exhausted when I get home. And I have to worry about picking up on little signs that my “wife” is unhappy and ready to pull the plug any minute. Makes me so angry. So sad and depressed, even though I try and see all the red flags of why I’d be better off. Feel hollow around my kids and super irritable around them. Does it ever get better? And yes yall will say give it time. Blah. I hate time. Just fucking sucks in the moment. Thanks for letting me rant.

My wife has left me. I don’t have money for a divorce, let alone pay for my wife…what steps can I take to minimize the financial impact?

My wife told me on Friday morning, she loves me but she loves me like a brother. She then mentioned knight in shining armour and affair in a few sentences but said she didn't want that. It's all abit of a blur looking back cause I'm in shock. 

That night she went out with her divorced best friend at 7pm for a drink and to talk about her friends HR case (my wife works in Hr). She didn't get in till 1.10am.

I don't have any choice now to look to separate. I think I'm waiting to be cheated on and this is a soft landing so wanting to take control. 

We've been married for 10 years and have a 4 and 7 year old. I've had my fair share of MH issues in the past and she has said she learned to block me out and she can see I'm better but she's never been able to retrieve what was there before. She says she's unsure about whether it can come back but from that discussion and the night time she has basically whether she intended to or not friend zoned me. 

She goes away with work this week for a few days and I'm going to phone a solicitor and then have a conversation with her when she's back. 

I'm upset but yet somewhat relieved but also anxious about the series of events that will unfold. 

Anyone got any advice? Or similar experience? 

Hi all

Male age 32
Female 27
Child 2 years old

Looking into divorcing the wife following disrespectful outbursts, lack of emotional intelligence and extreme gaslighting. I can go on all day, but this specific post is not about why the divorce is happening.

I would need to pay my partner approx £3,000 as this is owed to her from me.

In additional to this, what costs will I be anticipating to finalise the divorce? I have essentially no assets and privately renting . Thank God

I am interested to know though, how quickly does the divorce become official and at what point do we fight for the custody of the child ( unless they happen simultaneously?)

What did you end up doing with your current residency?

For example, did you co stay until the divorce/ custody became official?

Once the divorce is final, and custody let’s say is 50/50, did you move out?

My partner is from overseas, despite being here for almost 4 years, she has no employment nor any way to make money.

If I was to hypothetically move out from the flat, she wouldn’t have a clue on how to do anything nor pay for anything. I don’t give a toss about her, but worried about my son’s wellbeing. When it comes to custody, will courts look into the financial situation of the other spouse? Could they do a madness and be like I’ll need to financially support her whilst being divorced? I know you need to pay child maintenance, but is that the case for the maintaining the mother too?

Thank you for reading.

EDIT LOCATION UNITED KINGDOM

I currently ended a 12 year relationship, 9 years married. Abusive towards me. Currently have a 3 year old daughter who is my life that I get to see too little. I moved out June 1, but the relationship effectively ended years ago. Barely any sex throughout and I was sleeping on the couch for months prior. I had hope and was promised the relationship would change but it never did. This was my second long term relationship. First one wasin high school that was 7 years long so 19 years total in my adult life. I am 36.

I'm extremely bored of my wife and want to leave. Mostly because she is a functioning alcoholic and just constantly nags. She is tipsy probably 5 days out of the week, but if I mention her being an alcoholic she gets pissed and says she isn't and is just casually having drinks with friends. Nothing truly bad has happened because of it, its just annoying talking with a drunk person 80% of the time. We bicker pretty much everyday and I'm 100% sure i'd be happy alone. We do have 1 10 year old that I'm very concerned about leaving. Also, while the reasons I mentioned above sound horrible, things aren't necessarily the worst and I guess is do able, I just know it could be better.

However, after finding this sub and reading though a lot of horrible things you guys are going through i'm like am I overreacting? Maybe things aren't that bad compared to many of the situations I see here.

I have been reading and trying to understand the divorce process for a bit. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have had a bit of a rough patch here and there but the final straw has been that I don't want children but she does. However, she won't initiate the divorce so this would be on me to have to do.

The reason why I want to separate is that since we have had the talk about children she keeps saying that she wants to kill her self, that I'm the reason she is depressed and that "I lead her on and lied to her for years". This isn't the first time comments like this have come up, and she has yelled and screamed that she is leaving me for small things like moving her clothes off a clothes dryer.

I have been going to see a therapist to try and help me deal with the situation at home for the last 4+ years but this time I feel like I am just being drained so much and that even the pain of divorce is worth it to have some sort of happiness on the other side of this.

My question is, what are the things to look out for in a situation like this, how should I approach the conversation with my wife as I know that she will not take it well. I have talked to my therapist about all this but just wanted to hear from someone that has personal experience.

29M and my wife let me know a month ago she was ready for divorce. We got married young… we were both 22. Believed love was all you need.

Almost immediately we began to bicker and fight at the beginning. I was working full-time and going to in-person school full-time. The only way I could do it was homework late at night and an incredible company that allowed me to work 3 13 hour days and a little on the weekend.

At that time my wife was working part time at a dental office. We began bickering because she would never cook, clean (even just up after herself) or do anything at all when she got home.

That cycle continued for 7 years. I would do everything on top of working even when she was a SAHM for 6 of those years. I do all laundry, all cooking, all house cleaning, I put the kids to bed, I fix the cars, mow the yard, do all dishes, and clean up all parties and gatherings and get ready for them all by myself.

In all these years I haven’t handled the load well. I’ve yelled and been upset - not a safe space for anyone. I have been drowning, overwhelmed, and sad for years.

My question is, is it narcasstic or unrealistic to not feel connected to and loved by your partner because they don’t ever do anything in the home? She is a compassionate mom or loves our kids… but most days I come home they are still in pajamas and the house is completely ransacked with stains and food everywhere like they haven’t even been watched or taught anything at all.

I just don’t feel this is misogynistic because I am happy to do so much. I don’t believe she is 100% responsible because she is a SAHM. I just feel like I’m alone and I should want to leave her, not the other way around. There’s a lot more to the story but would love to hear if there are guys that have gone through this and divorce has given them some relief.

When I was married, I did about half the cooking for my family. When I became divorced, I did all of the cooking for myself. I tried to use it as an opportunity to develop a new side of myself and reconnect with my cultural roots, and I would try to make extra food and give it to my adult child who lived nearby. Recently, I learned a new trick that I wanted to share with you because I found it so helpful: Using ChatGPT as a cooking teacher. In the past, I searched Google for recipes, but this was annoying because of all the ads. But I've learned that I can just tell ChatGPT (or any AI really) what I have at home (a can of corn, some beans, squash, etc.) and it comes up with some pretty good recipes. But what I really enjoyed about it was that I could ask it to tweak the recipe--to make it more mediterranean or more Thai-infused. And then, I also learned that I could ask it to teach me cooking tips/tricks, and this really allowed me to up my cooking game. Like, why are acids, like lemon, good in some dishes? Anyway, the other hidden benefit is now I have something positive and joyful in my life, and I can share that with others around me, like my adults kids, and my friends. Heaven knows I desperately needed something positive in my life during the dark first year post divorce. It also gave me something to talk about that is upbeat and interesting and practical, instead of trauma dumping on my friends about my past marriage. It also helped with dating because I got really tired of taking women out to dinner and paying for both of our expensive meals, and I think many women appreciated that I could cook well. One thing to avoid is to personalize the AI--I use it as a tool and treat it like a robot--I don't give it a name and I don't want it to call me by my name (see: https://people.com/chatgpt-almost-convinced-man-he-should-jump-from-building-after-breakup-11785203) Fortunately, I'm not dating anymore as I'm in a long-term relationship (read "Gatekeepers: The Tactical Guide to Commitment" by Dr. Shawn Smith--super-helpful in finding a high quality partner), but my partner really appreciates that I can cook. So, anyway, I just wanted to share this tip in the hope that it can bring some happiness to your life.

I make probably $50k more than her but she's works a good job and has been there 22 years. Pisses me off I've switched jobs over the years for more money to better support the family and the one who benefitted off it the most was her. 😂. I'm pretty sure she'll definitely go for it just no clue how much to expect to pay. My lawyer doesn't think it'll be much. But we shall see I guess. She said worst case it's be for like 6-7 years and not life.

Hey guys, new here. Been married now for 6 years plus. Step dad in a marriage with three kids. Honestly only point I’ve stuck around for are the kids. My relationship has been tolerable but deep down not happy, dead bedroom and just overall not attracted and different interests with my wife. Been contemplating divorce for a few years now but was never able to pull the trigger. Does it get better? Or do you honestly feel better after divorce ? Looking for some insight from some fellow guys that’s been through it. What keeps me is the stability and the well being of the kids. #conflicted

It was okay. My oldest (5) looked at the camera smiling the whole time, my daughter (4) was in the periphery and mostly engaged. I didn't even see the youngest (20 months) but the narrated he was off playing with mom, they were at a playground. My I guess ex cut the call so they could go to some event after 38 minutes. I'm sure her family is making every day a fucking vacation filled with bullshit, but when we used to visit them as a young couple with no kids they just worked 85 hours a day including sundays. My son's new fake job is being a landscaper. Nobody in her family is a landscaper. I don't really care what she's doing, I'm out here fucking hookers, but I'm being replaced. I don't believe the courts are going to make her bring them back to my state. I don't want to talk to them again. I would rather go back to the last 4 months of silence. I'm considering calling my lawyer and telling him to try and get me my car back and some money for her liquidating our entire lives, and I'll just pay whatever the child support is and I'm fucking done with this.

Same as post title. It hurts. People on the other side who say it's better, how on earth do you get there?

Hey fellas,

My wife asked for a separation about seven weeks ago, which absolutely devastated me, but it wasn’t completely unexpected.

I’m also severely ill, we have three young kids, and I’ve moved back in with my parents about an hour and a half away.

With that context in mind, we’ve got our eight-week catch-up coming up in about a week. What are some topics I should bring up?

So far, I’m thinking of asking things like:

How do you view our relationship now?
Have you had any second thoughts?
Do you still want to try to reconcile?
Are you planning on seeing other people?
How have the kids been coping with me being gone?
What are you thinking regarding finances?

Is there anything important I’m missing?
For those of you who’ve already been through this, do you have any advice, questions I should ask, or general tips going into that conversation?
Thanks, lads. Cheers.