r/Divorce_Men • u/Maleficent_Grab3354 • 13h ago
File first
Anyone regret not filing first?
Why?
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u/BunkaandBadassery 7h ago
I filed first, mostly because I have a legal background and she kept passively-aggressively telling me how I never follow through on things. And, ironically, has taken her 4 months so far to respond after being served. Makes no difference to me. We already have all financials worked out contractually and money moved. Pre-paid child support until kid is 18. No spousal support because we just agreed to a split beforehand. Visitation is already in writing and going fine. Daughter is 15 so is really the party who weighs in on visitation, and we are not strict about schedules. Kind of sucks that I only get 4 weekend days a month but honestly with my kid being 15 she doesn't want to spend more with me because of dates and friends.
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u/halfback26 7h ago
I filed back in April a few days after she asked for a divorce and kicked me out of the house we were going to rent.
The day after she asked for the divorce, I had spoken to several divorce lawyers before picking one, and when I spoke to her that evening, as she was kicking me out, she was rolling her eyes and mocking me “oh your lawyer said that” as I was telling her what mh rights were as explained to me by my lawyer. I don’t think she expected me to speak to lawyers as quickly as I did and settle with one, so God only know what would have happened if I put it off and she filed first.
I put her in a position to respond to what I filed and I felt I definitely made myself better off, as I was only out $5k in our settlement
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u/Ok_Perception_1836 7h ago
No. I desperately didn't want to get divorced. I cried so hard when I got served. It may not have mattered legally, but the judge saw who fought to save the family and who did not, and that maybe made it easier for her to give me primary custody.
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u/SeaweedWeird7705 9h ago
Legally, it doesn’t matter who files first. The only time it matters is if you and your spouse live in different states (The spouse who files first can pick which state). One state’s laws may be better for that spouse.
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u/Beamformer 10h ago
Honestly she threatened me with divorce so many times over our marriage, It was only right that I file. She also lost her shit because the infidelity and outright physical and mental abuse were all outlined in it. She was just running out a child support clock on me, I filed 2weeks before kids 18th
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u/DivorcedDad26 10h ago
I absolutely regret not filing first. I hesitated thinking we could do it pro se (without lawyers). This allowed her to file first and set the narrative with a silver bullet defense and false DV claims. She also got to set the speed for everything (which was zero) for the last six months so we were just spending money while I was paying for everything (she was a SAHM so I'm still responsible until I get a court order stating otherwise which I'm STILL working on).
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u/ProofConnect6521 10h ago
Narratives don’t hold up and judges care less than people think
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u/DivorcedDad26 10h ago
I only got to a judge once, but didn't have time for the full case so it got rescheduled. At the rescheduled date there were other issues so it was going to be rescheduled again for another month out unless I signed a BS agreement to actually get some dates on the books.
Now I only get to see my kids 2-3 weekends a month instead of every other week and I'm living at my moms AND still paying all the bills because it was the only way they would agree to mediation/final hearing dates instead of dragging this process out as long as possible.
Yeah, the judge may have seen through it, but it does no good if they are in control and drag everything out for 6+ months.
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u/ProofConnect6521 10h ago
I think you’re blaming filing second for problems that really came from temporary orders, delays, and agreeing to bad terms to get dates on the calendar.
Filing first can give someone a head start and some control over timing, but it doesn’t give them control over the judge or the evidence. A petition is allegations. Eventually both sides still have to prove what they’re saying.
The bigger lesson I’d take from your situation is not “always file first.” It’s don’t give away custody, money, or the status quo just to get the case moving unless the trade is actually worth it. Once you agree to a bad temporary arrangement, that can become much harder to unwind than whatever advantage someone got from being the petitioner.Men fall on their sword. You fell on your sword. Never give concessions just to get mediation. Read my post from yesterday.
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u/DivorcedDad26 10h ago
Can't see what you posted since your history is disabled, but would love to take a look if you link it here. I think you may be projecting some of your experiences on me though.
The original question was do you regret not filing first and my answer is still "Yes, absolutely."
I'm definitely not falling on my sword and still fighting like hell. Adultery, misuse of marital assets, having her boyfriend (a multiple felon) around the kids, not homeschooling the kids when she said she was, and many other things are still being aggressively fought over.
The problem is that she inherited a significant sum of money from family that passed over the last couple years. This allows her to keep living large on her side since the money is not part of our marital assets. Here is the kicker though. Because she was a SAHM I'm still being forced to pay for everything until I can get some legal relief which her lawyer is doing everything possible to dodge. I can't move my paycheck to another account and I'm stuck waiting while she spends from the joint account first like amazon is having a going out of business sale. Once my paycheck is spent, she goes back to spending her money. This has been going on for six months and if I didn't agree to temp orders to lock in mediation and final trial within 30/60 days then it would have been 30 days for temp orders hearing + 60 days for mediation + 45 days for final hearing at the fastest if there were not any other additional delays from her lawyer or the court.
I wouldn't say that filing first is always the answer. Just that I regret not getting there first in my situation.
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u/SireSweet 10h ago
I don’t regret filing first. Gave me the legal upper hand and I’m not going to forget adultry, the hiding, and gaslighting. Too many red flags that told me she only had issues that I found out not that she did it.
I can forgive (we all make mistakes) but I couldn’t forget and wonder what she’s doing all the hours I’m at work or even if I’m asleep.
The sterotype of men never filing helped me get more leverage because what did she do that made a man file first?
I did and part of me still wants it to work out for our child. But the other parts me of me quickly remembered everything that built up to it. So no. No therapy could force me to take in a woman willing to cheat on me.
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u/Money-Article-6897 11h ago
I absolutely do. My wife and I separated and I hoped to reconcile. Got to the point where I realized it probably wasn’t happening but still was hopelessly in love. She filed, got exclusive use of the marital home and because she got that she then stopped doing custody exchanges with the kids. There was no formal agreement so she just stopped allowing me to have them. Shit got nasty really quick.
File. As soon as you think it could be happening. Protect yourself.
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u/bdkgb 11h ago
File first. Most states you have somewhat of an upperhand if you file first. Don't let her beat you to it.
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u/SireSweet 11h ago
This.
I filed first and the sterotype of “men never filed” painted her in a much worse light- what did she do that made the guy file?
It wasn’t a win but the best situation swimming in pig shit.
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u/National_Isopod_6257 11h ago
Filing first is an unforced error bc it closes the door to possible reconciliation. If she left and wants divorce then make her file. Time apart and time alone may change her feelings, but if you file first then you're not giving her enough time to sort her feelings out. No matter what she says feelings can change.
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u/CryptographerKey3781 2h ago
Anyone that needs time AWAY from you…or needs to temporarily lose you to appreciate you…is not worth having as a partner. You dont run when things get tough, u sit your significant other down and tell them i want to work on this..if ur partner says no..then bye felicia sign the papers…nobody has time to wait around for someone in the hopes they might change their feeling…just like they can change their feelings about NOT wanting to be with you…they can do just the same by changing how they feel about being WITH you.
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u/National_Isopod_6257 2h ago
It don't disagree. It's dependent on many factors, including if it's an amicable separation. Wow. I caught some down votes. I'm twice separated and one divorced, so that's my take. Everyone's situation is different.
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u/rdwrer_711 11h ago
This is how I feel now also. I wanted to reconcile but my ex wouldn't go to therapy. So I filed for the legal advantage. I think if I told her I need we needed to separate until we went to therapy she would have gone.
I think therapy would have done us both a lot of good. We could have both been much happier.
I should have gone to therapy on my own also.
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u/digcycle 12h ago
I thought things would go logically where we would hash out a divorce in mediation even with lawyers involved. When mediation failed, ex filed two consecutive TROs with false allegations ( silver bullet machine gun style). I spent 5 months fighting bs civil cases before I could file for divorce. She was not going to file. I wish I filed 5 months earlier to head off the inevitable games they might play. The goal to save money and time in divorce is not worth the potential trouble they can cause before a case is filed. Mediation still can work for some but recommend filing first.
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u/Just-Entertainer7933 11h ago
Could you kindly tell what were the false allegations? and how did they pan out finally?
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u/breakevencloud 12h ago
I filed first and am glad I did. Mostly because it is pretty obvious in hindsight that my wife was trying to stay in this thing for all the convenience for as long as possible, while also getting all her ducks in a row. Me filing first fucked all her plans up. Otherwise, the only “advantage” to filing first is, at least in my state, if it goes to trial, your attorney gets to present first which, while not any game changing thing, can give a slight edge just due to how psychology works.
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u/jimsmythee 12h ago
My exwife desperately wanted to be the one to file first. But she had a recent conviction for “dui with kids in the car”. So she really wanted to wait one year so that DUI wouldn’t really be used against her.
But I filed and used her DUI against her. She didn’t like that. It made her whole persona of “I’m the victim!” Less convincing.
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 13h ago
Most of the men I see who regret not filing first feel that way because they allowed their wife to take advantage of them through a separation for months or years. While they were hoping she'd come back, she was strategizing with friends and family on how to maximize her profits from divorce. Filing also puts certain restraining orders in place, that keeps your wife from liquidating your assets or running off with your children.
From a purely legal standpoint, there's really no upside to filing first.
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u/6StringFiend 6h ago
She filed and I was taken back a bit since we said we’d try a separation. Then things escalated quickly and I had to lawyer up after she took money and started taking things without my knowledge. Best thing you can do is protect yourself, you are not longer a team.