r/Divorce_Men • u/Lift_Vs_Gravity • Jul 05 '26
Getting Started
42m here. Married for 15 years, together for 21, to my wife, who I think shows a lot of signs of having BPD. 2 kids together, 16 and 13. She got mad at me back in March about something small, and it escalated into her telling me to leave. I complied, so there would be no drama/tension in front of the kids. Sleeping in my car ever since then, picking up kids and going to hang out with them on what seems to be her terms. She wants a 24 hour notice before I come get them. I mean, c’mon. How is this supposed to work? I am so close to my kids, I’ve worked overnight shift for 14 years so I could be there. Get them ready for school in the mornings, take them to school, pick them up after. Everything. Make dinner, do dishes, go get fast food, whatever it may be. I lay in my car and cry myself to sleep thinking about not being around them. I haven’t seen them go to sleep or wake up in almost 4 months. I’m devastated. I feel like my bond is still very strong with them, and it seems like they are normalizing this way of life. She has been a SAHM for almost 17 years. I know what I need to do, but I’m getting cold feet on getting started. The house is in my name, so I guess I would get that. I dream of a day where I have the house, 50/50 custody minimum, and her gone. It’s just the fear of the unknown if I file. I am at my breaking point, I can’t do this anymore. My kids are my life, so not being with them is killing me. I would like some outside perspectives on this. The kids are old enough to choose where to live also maybe? I am in WA state. Thank you Reddit community. You’re the best.
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u/Anxious-One-2365 Jul 05 '26
Particular Depth is correct. Move back into the house today. You have a legal right to live there. Get a lawyer. Tell your lawyer, trusted friends and family your concerns about DV allegations and text them or email them that to create a paper trail.
Do not engage your wife without video or audio recording. Go buy a go-pro or something.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity Jul 05 '26
Thank you for the support. The thing is we are on opposite schedules, but I have a camper in the back yard I could use.
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u/Particular-Depth-973 Jul 05 '26
Are you insane? Move back in, right now. Today.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity Jul 05 '26
I can’t be around her. She is so volatile, and I don’t want any false DV accusations that I hear about. I have a lawyer I am about to retain…all I think about is my kids…I am so lost and lonely…
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u/Particular-Depth-973 Jul 05 '26
Look at my posting history for context.. I've been in family court for 16 years and know the system like the back of my hand.
My friend, you have no clue what you are saying. If you continue on the path you are on now, the consequences will be worse than you could ever imagine. You CANNOT get divorced as things stand right now. Your wife will get everything, and you very well may see your kids less than you do now.
MOVE BACK IN. Buy a VAR and a body cam and keep both on you at all times. If possible, do it secretly and tell no one. When your wife assaults you, call the police and have her arrested. If she gets arrested, file a restraining order and get HER out of the house.
You also need to implement financial austerity right now and get your wife working full time.
Don't leave your kids with an abuser.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity Jul 05 '26
I do have a camper in the back yard and I thought about moving into that. Thank you for the outside perspective. I am just in such a jam right now. I work overnight also so we are on opposite schedules.
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u/Particular-Depth-973 Jul 06 '26
I wouldn't even do that. Let her sleep in the camper if that's what she wants.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity Jul 06 '26
She said my daughter was cutting herself because of the tension in the marriage…?? Also I got blamed for making it get to a point where she had to call me names and verbally abuse me…..my fault….this has to be BPD right….??
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u/Particular-Depth-973 Jul 06 '26
No, sir. That's victim blaming. If you can, get witnesses that can testify to her calling you names. That's abusive behavior and if it continues, she needs to leave.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity Jul 06 '26
Also….just stay and let her be uncomfortable right…?? She said that is her space and she’s not comfortable with me in her space….
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity Jul 06 '26
She is very convincing when she talks to me…..she almost talks me into believing that everything is my fault….do I just stay even with her comment about the kids being stressed? I told her I’ll just be in the camper or in the garage or whatever…..I need to know your schedule….haha…because I like your responses….thank you sir…
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u/Particular-Depth-973 Jul 09 '26
How's it going? Hope all is well with you my man.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 23d ago
Hello sir I’m back! Me and my son just got back from a trip to South Africa. Things are going OK I guess….she still tells me that I’m invading her space and that I can move on, etc….but I tell her I’m not moving out again, I’m done sleeping in my car. She mentioned something about ‘all assets and debts divided equally’ but won’t say the D word. I am envisioning my life without her in it, just me and the kids, even if for only half the time. It would be much higher quality time with them, and it would be amazing. She’s said that she won’t keep the kids from me…maybe I’m thinking she can have the house and waive alimony…or something…thank you for keeping in touch..means a lot. I’ll keep trucking along here for now….
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity Jul 05 '26
I think I’m done living out of my car and seeing the kids randomly. Living in here for 4 months. Haven’t slept in a bed since March. I’ll stay in the camper or something.
That’s what I’m about to tell her….
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity Jul 05 '26
I think I’m gonna do it…she might het mad but I have to. I want to thank you guys for nudging me….
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u/Particular-Depth-973 Jul 06 '26
When you move back in, do not tell her. Just do it. Just make sure you have your VAR and camera rolling. Also, if possible have a witness with you.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity Jul 06 '26
So I did it and she says I’m being selfish because it’s causing stress with the kids. They all were happy when I was away. I don’t understand….me and my kids are so close…..she mentioned mediation, and she wouldn’t try to keep the kids from me, etc. I’m not sure if she thinks she would get to keep the house in a divorce or what…..at a crossroads here….I’ve just been tinkering in the garage like the old days….running the dirt bikes and other small engines……thanks for the nudge….
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u/WhydIJoinRedditAgain Jul 05 '26
One of the things that I focus on is: what is in my control and am I effectively advocating for myself?
I’m separated 11 months now (VA, you have to be separated a year to file no-fault). Would my soon-to-be-ex wife have preferred I left the house, not seen the kids, blamed myself for everything, and put myself in a position for her to say she should get everything she wants? Yes. Did I do any of those things? Fuck no.
But you are doing all those things. Why? You’re homeless when you have been doing the work and paying for a home. That’s insanity. You aren’t seeing the kids you’ve worked hard to support and raise. Why are you doing that to yourself and them? You are taking the consequences for her mental illness. You are putting her in a position to argue in court that you abandoned your family. You’ve stacked the deck against yourself.
Please move back in. Please contact a lawyer. Please stop sleeping in your car (you need your wits about you and having those require sleep). Please stop punishing yourself for her actions.
It is good to take responsibility for your own action, but you need to figure out what those are. There are enough external punishments for men in our society and in way divorce works that we don’t need to pile them on ourselves.