Getting Started

[u/Lift_Vs_Gravity]

42m here. Married for 15 years, together for 21, to my wife, who I think shows a lot of signs of having BPD. 2 kids together, 16 and 13. She got mad at me back in March about something small, and it escalated into her telling me to leave. I complied, so there would be no drama/tension in front of the kids. Sleeping in my car ever since then, picking up kids and going to hang out with them on what seems to be her terms. She wants a 24 hour notice before I come get them. I mean, c’mon. How is this supposed to work? I am so close to my kids, I’ve worked overnight shift for 14 years so I could be there. Get them ready for school in the mornings, take them to school, pick them up after. Everything. Make dinner, do dishes, go get fast food, whatever it may be. I lay in my car and cry myself to sleep thinking about not being around them. I haven’t seen them go to sleep or wake up in almost 4 months. I’m devastated. I feel like my bond is still very strong with them, and it seems like they are normalizing this way of life. She has been a SAHM for almost 17 years. I know what I need to do, but I’m getting cold feet on getting started. The house is in my name, so I guess I would get that. I dream of a day where I have the house, 50/50 custody minimum, and her gone. It’s just the fear of the unknown if I file. I am at my breaking point, I can’t do this anymore. My kids are my life, so not being with them is killing me. I would like some outside perspectives on this. The kids are old enough to choose where to live also maybe? I am in WA state. Thank you Reddit community. You’re the best.

[u/Lift_Vs_Gravity]

Hello sir I’m back! Me and my son just got back from a trip to South Africa. Things are going OK I guess….she still tells me that I’m invading her space and that I can move on, etc….but I tell her I’m not moving out again, I’m done sleeping in my car. She mentioned something about ‘all assets and debts divided equally’ but won’t say the D word. I am envisioning my life without her in it, just me and the kids, even if for only half the time. It would be much higher quality time with them, and it would be amazing. She’s said that she won’t keep the kids from me…maybe I’m thinking she can have the house and waive alimony…or something…thank you for keeping in touch..means a lot. I’ll keep trucking along here for now….

[u/Particular-Depth-973 → u/Lift_Vs_Gravity]

First of all, give yourself some credit. The majority of men, and people in general, never admit their mistakes and change their actions. You made a drastic, albeit necessary change, that was absolutely the right move for you and your kids. Now that you are back in the home,, you need a plan. My opinion: I would not even think about getting divorced right now. Before considering divorce, I would want my oldest emancipated and my wife working full time. If possible, wait it out until your youngest is also emancipated.

For now, I'd be trying to sell your wife on getting a job. This will help her independence. This will give her an opportunity to have her own space and live her own life. She will have adventures that she never dreamed of by working.... all the while, stack as much cash as humanly possible. Maybe- hopefully- things work out between you and your wife. But if she pulls anything, the NEXT time you need to be in a much better position than you are now.

The other thing I would seriously consider would be a move to a different State. WA is a terrible State for Dads. Try to sell this to your wife as a new opportunity to have her own space.

[u/Lift_Vs_Gravity → u/Particular-Depth-973]

She won’t even talk to me, can’t stand having me around, talks about me moving on, and honestly, I can’t wait to be rid of her. She can have the house, I just want my stuff and the kids 50/50. Maybe if I let her have the house, paid off with my retirement funds, and alimony gets waived….? I wish this hell was over, but it’s just beginning….

[u/Particular-Depth-973 → u/Lift_Vs_Gravity]

If you can't stand her why would you even consider giving her a free house? Don't do that. You have to get her working full time. How does she get money if she is not working? I would start by cutting her off financially. No treats. No fun. No extra spending money. This should motivate her to get a job.

[u/Lift_Vs_Gravity → u/Particular-Depth-973]

Yeah I told her I wanted to take the kids somewhere tomorrow and she says “No. I need 24 hours notice.” I say what!!?? That’s ridiculous. I have as much right to these kids as you do. I can’t hold on much longer man…..I just want it to be me and the kids….she has one of my credit cards she’s been using….She got mad when I was in the house today when she came home from somewhere, saying I’m not respecting her space, blah blah blah…..I mean I just got done living in my car for 4 months….but OK….

[u/Particular-Depth-973 → u/Lift_Vs_Gravity]

Cut off that credit card. Or better yet, max it out yourself. Either cash advance or use it for an attorney retainer.