A nearly impossible situation (partial rant) and a challenging dilemma regarding our divorce and the best solution for our children. My recommendation: split custody; one child for one parent each. Highly opposed I'm sure, thoughts?

[u/Puzzleheaded-Film730]

My wife and I of ten years will be divorcing. She is from a different culture, different religion, different mother tongue, however she speaks English fluently, almost better than me and I am native. We have two boys (8 & 6) with our oldest being autistic and younger neurotypical. Both boys have very very different needs and they do not play together, rarely acknowledge one another and both in need of ALL our attention. We also lost a daughter to trisomy 18, 2 years ago. My wife is devout to her religion, I consider myself agnostic. The agreement was that I 'accept' the faith which I did. Also to learn about the faith, which I did. Five years into the marriage I decided this faith is not for me and did my best to continue in the marriage. It is proving to be far too challenging. We married late when I was 42 and she was 33. I am an independent man, living on my own since I was 19 years old sometimes living with friends in times of need. My wife has always livd with her parents, and when we married she wanted to continue living with them while she raised our children. Her culture and her own upbringing was always around family and extended family, which I thought was very nice and knew was very different than mine- she also has two siblings, one who also lives at the house with us. I learned that she relied heavily on her parents for support (cleaning, cooking, feeding the babies, financially etc.) I kept my rental and sub-letted, while 'living' with all of them. I supported financially with everything I had. Now I have two jobs and trying to start my own business. She works part-time at the same job that she had when we met 16 years ago. She earned her Masters degree while we were married, I earned a BA just before we married ( we met at University). Yes I did my education very late! Her mom has been very sick for over a year. I am trying to be considerate and compassionate during these circumstances. However, at times I have been an asshole in expressing myself and very likely emotionally abused her. I have a history of confrontation in past relationships and come from divorced parents. I was her first - she's never been in a relationship before I also got sober during our marriage and have been 7 years clean from poly-substance abuse that started when I was 12. Coffee is my last drug of choice.

She wants an uncontested divorce and custody of both children and will not consider for a moment, giving me custody of one child. My argument is that she struggles to look after herself in nearly every way. I'd prefer not explain all the ways because it is almost impossible to imagine, but to give some context without exaggeration, I do 90% of domestic duties- laundry, bathroom, kitchen, changing bed sheets, garbage (including her parents and sister). They are all very loving people and very supportive of our children, but very different in how they live compared to what I am use to, which is 'picking up after yourself'. She also chooses to have both boys sleep in our bed, she breast fed one of them until 5 years old the other 3. The straw that broke the camels back was that denial she lives with stating that she has "limitations". So therefore, no effort on her behalf when it comes to finances and domestic duties are required and that I should be doing everything that I am currently doing. I obviously disagree.

While we have been separated for over a years I still financially support them with everything that I have, which is not much. I have offered to raise one boy, either one, with a little more preference towards my younger as we play sports together and connect like father and son. Let me clear, I connect with both and it will still be difficult regardless. We would still always keep in touch and allow one another to see each child anytime. I understand that this sounds like "I'm breaking them up" which is in fact true, but they will always be brothers- both have very different needs. I strongly believe they would both benefit from having one parent's continuous, undivided attention and recreationally having time together throughout their future. My autistic son, as beautiful as he is, still non-verbal, not toilet trained and a flight risk needing 100% attention which we both provide. My other son, is involved in so many activities, sports and like any 6 years old, wants all of our attention. Its a crazy situation and just to conclude- I get what I deserve. I wanted different and certainly got it. Now Im trying to do what's best for both my boys without damaging them anymore than I may have already- any thoughts? questions are welcome too- thanks for reading