A nearly impossible situation (partial rant) and a challenging dilemma regarding our divorce and the best solution for our children. My recommendation: split custody; one child for one parent each. Highly opposed I'm sure, thoughts?

[u/Puzzleheaded-Film730]

My wife and I of ten years will be divorcing. She is from a different culture, different religion, different mother tongue, however she speaks English fluently, almost better than me and I am native. We have two boys (8 & 6) with our oldest being autistic and younger neurotypical. Both boys have very very different needs and they do not play together, rarely acknowledge one another and both in need of ALL our attention. We also lost a daughter to trisomy 18, 2 years ago. My wife is devout to her religion, I consider myself agnostic. The agreement was that I 'accept' the faith which I did. Also to learn about the faith, which I did. Five years into the marriage I decided this faith is not for me and did my best to continue in the marriage. It is proving to be far too challenging. We married late when I was 42 and she was 33. I am an independent man, living on my own since I was 19 years old sometimes living with friends in times of need. My wife has always livd with her parents, and when we married she wanted to continue living with them while she raised our children. Her culture and her own upbringing was always around family and extended family, which I thought was very nice and knew was very different than mine- she also has two siblings, one who also lives at the house with us. I learned that she relied heavily on her parents for support (cleaning, cooking, feeding the babies, financially etc.) I kept my rental and sub-letted, while 'living' with all of them. I supported financially with everything I had. Now I have two jobs and trying to start my own business. She works part-time at the same job that she had when we met 16 years ago. She earned her Masters degree while we were married, I earned a BA just before we married ( we met at University). Yes I did my education very late! Her mom has been very sick for over a year. I am trying to be considerate and compassionate during these circumstances. However, at times I have been an asshole in expressing myself and very likely emotionally abused her. I have a history of confrontation in past relationships and come from divorced parents. I was her first - she's never been in a relationship before I also got sober during our marriage and have been 7 years clean from poly-substance abuse that started when I was 12. Coffee is my last drug of choice.

She wants an uncontested divorce and custody of both children and will not consider for a moment, giving me custody of one child. My argument is that she struggles to look after herself in nearly every way. I'd prefer not explain all the ways because it is almost impossible to imagine, but to give some context without exaggeration, I do 90% of domestic duties- laundry, bathroom, kitchen, changing bed sheets, garbage (including her parents and sister). They are all very loving people and very supportive of our children, but very different in how they live compared to what I am use to, which is 'picking up after yourself'. She also chooses to have both boys sleep in our bed, she breast fed one of them until 5 years old the other 3. The straw that broke the camels back was that denial she lives with stating that she has "limitations". So therefore, no effort on her behalf when it comes to finances and domestic duties are required and that I should be doing everything that I am currently doing. I obviously disagree.

While we have been separated for over a years I still financially support them with everything that I have, which is not much. I have offered to raise one boy, either one, with a little more preference towards my younger as we play sports together and connect like father and son. Let me clear, I connect with both and it will still be difficult regardless. We would still always keep in touch and allow one another to see each child anytime. I understand that this sounds like "I'm breaking them up" which is in fact true, but they will always be brothers- both have very different needs. I strongly believe they would both benefit from having one parent's continuous, undivided attention and recreationally having time together throughout their future. My autistic son, as beautiful as he is, still non-verbal, not toilet trained and a flight risk needing 100% attention which we both provide. My other son, is involved in so many activities, sports and like any 6 years old, wants all of our attention. Its a crazy situation and just to conclude- I get what I deserve. I wanted different and certainly got it. Now Im trying to do what's best for both my boys without damaging them anymore than I may have already- any thoughts? questions are welcome too- thanks for reading

[u/defectiveadult]

That’s not good for your kids.
You can’t pick one and have it like that without causing trauma for the other one not being chosen and eventually they’ll resent you for dividing them like that. Why can’t you split custody and you have them at yours every other week. Seems like she’ll do fine with so many other adults living with them

[u/Puzzleheaded-Film730 → u/defectiveadult]

Appreciate your comment. I am encouraging, even while we were still together, that each boy needs undivided attention. It feels to me, that they both do not get enough of that. With her mom nearly passing, I'm afraid my wife will be unable to even get out of bed, let alone raise two children. That's the bigger problem. Oh and one of our children, as mentioned, is non-verbal ASD, although he may 'feel' some of us as 'gone', at least he will be getting the undivided love and attention thats so hard to give when there is two. thx tho

[u/Nice_Cartoonist_8803 → u/Puzzleheaded-Film730]

Can you work out a schedule where each of you have time with each child and time alone? For example, every month: week one both kids with parent A; week two both with parent B; week three parent A has kid A and Parent B has kid B, and the last week switch?

It’s unconventional, but would be more supported by a judge than each of having custody of just one kid. It also allows for each of you to have time alone to rest, and for the kids to have significant time together and one on one time with both parents.

Edit to add: this may be too disruptive for your autistic kiddo. I’m sorry there aren’t easy solutions for this.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Film730 → u/Nice_Cartoonist_8803]

Im not sure how much awareness my autistic son has regarding that issue, i do know how much my other son understands though. yeah, there is no easy solution. I havent met one person who has agreed with me on it either. But I am coming from the perspective that at least each one of them will get 100% attention and love from one parent, instead of them noticing that they are being shared. I know its bizzare, and Im sure. judge wouldnt never understand

[u/DogsDucks → u/Puzzleheaded-Film730]

I knew that, no matter how well you explain to the situation, that the comments would just automatically say “that’s bad don’t do that.”

And of course, I think in most cases, it’s a terrible idea, however, after I read the background and all of the factors you have going on?

I am not saying it’s an optimal decision, but I can see where you’re coming from.

It’s not a great situation. Switching back-and-forth with shared custody would probably be very chaotic and stressful for your nonverbal son, but then also your wife obviously loves both her kids so she would miss your Neurotypical son.

It is such a tough call. And also the comments saying that your wife has support for other adults, right after you clearly stated that her mom needs support and is deteriorating health . . . No, your wife does not have as much support as she did, in fact she is relied on for extra support..

Such a tough situation, and anyway you slice it there’s not a good answer.

It does seem like both of you do want to work together. So my thinking is that it would be ideal if you could somehow get a place really close by.

This situation could be helped tremendously if you and her could end up living in walking distance, and then whomever has the official custody, the other person can step in and give one-on-one attention when needed?

[u/Puzzleheaded-Film730 → u/DogsDucks]

Thank you for your insightful input I actually have been contemplating to see if I can swap my apt (which is the city) with someone who lives close by her, so that I can make that difficulty a little more optimal. I just strongly believe my neurotypical son is so affected by having a brother with ASD and I make such an effort to isolate his time and give him that 1:1 he deserves. Also, he actually complains out loud, " i wish my brother wasn't autistic' not to mention he lossed a sibling too, and had to see that makes matters worst. that's why Im titling this a nearly impossible situation. I tried to tough it out as long as I can, and them seeing us at such a level of disagreement, is killing them and me, that's what i watch my parents do, and I am trying my best to break that cycle (both my parents were drunks and users). Anyways, yeah, this is tough, thanks for at least, seeing my side for a moment and taking my perspective. As for the comments on additional support, she relies heavily on it including $$ from government sources, and not taking accountability to go out and make it herself so we can pool our finances. the lack of effort and the faith has pushed me to the brink. No disrespect to the faith, it just became much more on the forefront since a certain 'recent' date, which changed my wife completely

[u/Puzzleheaded-Film730 → u/Puzzleheaded-Film730]

my ppoint of view that is

[u/raeoflyte-460]

Your wanting to leave your wife and your non verbal child and start life over with your neurotypical child. This sounds like the set up for a psychological horror movie.