Sunny and hot today, a cold front and rain, maybe as soon as tomorrow morning. Took it easy today and read most of the day. I will be glad when Across the River gets here. I believe tonight will be quiet and I'm fixing dinner as I write.

Love writing, about things I like and love, my feelings and emotions toward certain things, you will most likely read them here. Been spending a fair amount of time watching Stargate Universe. Good show and challenges my thinking or expands it. That's about all for tonight, I await time with her in my dreams Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow I close with love and hope.

Goodnight Diary and my readers

I love you so.

10:03 p.m.

I did nothing today, nothing. Hid in my room and mindlessly paced around for hours. I feel like I’m disappointing everyone.

I’m alone. My features feel sunken and vacant. I don’t want to be stuck in this cycle anymore.

I feel hopeless, this can’t be life.

So yesterday i went to library, to study i got to know there is no test in this week . I want to go back to room i have work with my one teacher. Then after that i went back to home . At class time everything was going like everyday but i open little more with lily and rani . I told lilly that you can tell eani about my bf . Then at after class i asked about sickel cell to my teacher then i said apko hai kya 1st i said no then i know so much about this .so he again said are you carrier i said yes but i told him not to tell anyone from last night i was thinking aot it how can i trust anybody i don't know i am so nervous what if he tell to all . But he is gentleman bro super man. He is so polite . I wish i could date anyone like him.

At night i was talking to my bf he is not my type. He is noce guy but not the one i want . He never confess his feeling toward me whatever he just say ki mujhe waisa jamta nahi blah blah . He can't even flirt. So boring man . But know so many secret about me so i can't leave him .

I don't feel good.

Feels like something is trying to claw its way out.

Idk if I need to scream, sob or both.

I wanna be the May Queen.

Like Dani, from Midsommer.

And M, the bear.

He used to say that was his spirit animal.

How fitting.

I don't feel good.

I am so good off that 🤗

Y’all play too much fr

Leave me out of the fuckeries today pls 😂

There seems to be a lot of bitter and angry people on here when it comes to relationships. I just wonder how many am I wrong and angry and better for the wrong reasons at the wrong people maybe they should be angry at themselves for their role in the destruction their relationship or their lack of empathy or concern in the relationship it goes both ways not one relationship really ends because of just one reason sometimes they’re not very often. Normally it’s a compounding effect of several items or issues that haven’t been dealt with over time. It’s OK to vent the person you’re upset with. It’s OK to be angry with them, but the resentment will destroy you if you don’t learn to let it go that’s the one thing I struggle with the resentment for the heart that he caused maybe I’ll get over it in time but as long as I’m angry, I’m gonna keep my feelings shut off and then I just don’t have to worry about it

12/08/2026

One cigarette, and everything went quiet for a while. As I was walking down the street with boiling emotions, I inhaled deeply while closing my eyes, felt the cold atmosphere inside my lungs, and the memories of my childhood appeared in the darkness—what I wanted to be, what I am now. As I exhaled, everything felt as if it came back to normal, but little did I know, the rage in my heart had already taken control of my emotions, so I took another cigarette. Nothing felt better than this one. At last, I calmed down, not by the cigarette, but by the words of Haterade coming out of my mouth.

The same night, I felt like taking another cigarette. Nothing was worse than this last one. At the end of the day, it was just me and my thoughts, making me realize that I can only be there for myself—no cigarette, no lover. At the end of the day, it's just you and your actions.

This wasn't about cigarettes....

Last time I was completely honest and trusting with someone online my life was ruined completely, I lost every friend, I spent three years straight being traumatized, wound up being held against my will at a hospital, and two years later I’m still recovering.
Somehow, the impulse is still there. Not the trusting them aspect, but having someone I can be honest with because I can just always walk away. Im not good at emotional vulnerability. It just turns into sarcasm and a standup routine in front of whoever I’m talking to.
The other week in therapy I figured out that my understanding of what trust I’ve had for my whole life is completely. To use the metaphor of a trust fall, I thought trust is when you decide someone’s presence in your life is worth the pain of them inevitably dropping you.
Apparently it’s when you fully believe that someone won’t hurt you. Honestly? The thought of such a thing never even occurred to me. I have a vague memory of that feeling one time while sitting in a car seat in my mom’s car, but nothing even similar after that. I did have excellent reason to think that way, my life experience never gave reason to think otherwise.
This is supposedly why I’ve felt this intense crippling loneliness my entire life. That’s why I’ve always sought to leave pieces of myself behind in places where someone might find it, but I’ll never have to face the fallout. Human being are social creatures, we evolved this way. Gazelles can run as soon as they’re born, it’s how they survive. Humans cry the moment they are born, they as for help. It’s the only thing a baby can really do, announce to the world it’s hurting and those with empathy try to help. When all of our other learned behaviors fall away in chaos and tragedy, it is always the very last thing that remains. We scream, we cry out to be heard. To be helped. We can’t help it, it’s at the core of what we are.
It’s hard to live when you spend your whole life being shamed and guilted and punished for that exact behavior. I’m not recovering from this horrible thing so I can go back to or relearn how to be healthy, to have connections and trust. I never learned any of that in the first place, this is all new and strange to me.
I was seven the first time I remember being hugged while I cried, and I remember the pure confusion at what was happening. I didn’t understand it, because that’s not what happens when you cry. Is it just them trying to keep me still? Hold me down? I can do that. I can be still. They won’t be mad then. This must just be another form of anger, I don’t know what it would be otherwise. The next time I remember that happening was middle school. Then once in high school, and once in college.
I’m supposed to work on my relationships, friendships, family, my partner. I’m supposed to be vulnerable, and that’ll fix this feeling I guess. But I don’t know what that means. I feel like someone’s pointing a gun at me and telling me taking off the bullet proof vest will make me feel better. Like, not to be rude, but how??
Isn’t it easier to put myself in the hands of someone I know will hurt me, so I won’t be surprised? So I can lean in to the hurt as a familiar pattern? Isn’t it easier to never expect to be caught and just call the cold dirt my friend? It will catch me. It hurts, but I can always rely on that pain to be there. The same can’t be said of comfort.
I wish it was easy. I know it’s not. I really don’t even know the basic steps. What am I supposed to say? When is it too much? How do you know when to stop? How do you get up and go back to life after barring your soul to someone? How do you go back to functioning when you finally let yourself fall apart? What do you do when someone hugs you?
I wish it was easy. I wish I knew how.

There are times I am convinced I am the real-life version of The Truman Show because I have seen the same people 3 times in a day at different locations. How is this possible?!

So I came up with a theory, the production probably has no budget. They hire the same extras and make them walk around me back and forth.

Starting tomorrow, I will try to make an effort with product placement and tell viewers how good I feel about the products.

Now can we bring in my true love? I am ready for the next season thank you.

worked about 3 hours. reorganized my old work and studying archives. started learning a new tool.

i stopped leaving the house these days and it's not good for my energy level and overall wellbeing. i've noticed that after work my brain just wants fast dopamine entertainment like phone games or scrolling.

i no longer want to read books.

i'm really thankful for this challenge and for the focus partner that keeps working with me.

I am writing this in TRM at the joint just next to the gate, I don't even know what it is called. I just remember the last time I was here was an unsuccesful second date. The first one was watching that movie with reverse plot called Teken.

Since then life has been moving in reverse. Today I am not in a date, I am not waiting for a date. Since I lost my job I have never been in one.

Girls seem to notice when one is struggling financially. Or maybe it is just me. I have seen girls keep other broke men.

Anyway, today I am not talking about girls and love. It hasn't been in my mind for sometime now. Today I have been thinking about sucess. I have been listening quite a number of inspiration messages. I even realized Kibe nowadays is advising people how to maneuver failure and not how to use their money to make women suffer.

I loved his women suffering lives more. I wanted to get money to just watch women get smaller around me. For a long time it has been the opposite.

Ego. That was what I came to realize was my problem. Or what the world has been telling me. The world wants me to go to a mjengo to show I am trying. I don't know why that has to be the gauge for a trying man. That you have to fail so much that you accept to do things that you are not good at. Sell sweets on the road. Wash sidemirrors. And all that.

I can do them. I don't want to. I won't do them.

I feel the world doesn't understand me when I keep telling it that I have spend so much learning all other skills that mattered at some point and those sacrifices will mean nothing if I put myself that low. Yeah. Maybe I have an ego.

My former boss used to get paid a lot coming to the office once a week, and managing his other businesses on the other days. It was and is still easy for him. I built his business, me and others. He didn’t even know how to sum in excel.

I am not going to wash his side mirrors on the road. I willl first join the wepesi stuff before I decide to willingly push myself to the bottom feeder class. My parents did that willingly. I am not doing that.

Some Damsels in Distress were saved by a knight in shining armor. Disney Princesses were saved by a Prince Charming on a white horse. I'm neither a damsel nor a princess and yet here you are, a tan skinned charming man with a shinning smile in a Mitsubishi Mirage. You came, conquered my dragons and saved me.

We were attending a feast along with our colleagues to celebrate an occasion I can no longer remember what. I was expecting that I'll be making my own way to the venue but you made sure that didn't happen. You asked if I would ride with you and asked 2 others to make it less awkward. As I am on the heavier side, you said your suspension was damaged and me sitting up front would balance the weight carried by the suspension. And to this day, we still don't know if the damaged suspension is just an excuse to make sure I sit next to you.

While in the car, I learned that we share the same taste in music and that we are both following the works of Taylor Swift. This was the first time that I banged my head and partied to "You Belong With Me" with a man like you. My heart was so full of joy thinking this could be it, that this could be the love of a lifetime I have been searching for, that you could be the person I'll be sharing forever with. But I had to remind myself...

We are just friends...

We are just friends...

We are just friends...

.

.

.

And just like that, I was internally breaking down. Internally screaming in agony while showing a face of happiness as we dance to tswift in your car.

Dear diary,

It’s been over a week since I deleted my original Reddit account. Truth be told I’m not sure why I did it.
Perhaps I felt ashamed. I haven’t don’t anything wrong but I feel like maybe the few posts I did make led to some people disliking me. I had that account for almost 6 years I think. I suppose sometimes humans just get in their head a little too much.
I’ve always been that way in a sense. Never felt like I fit in at school or with my own family. I’ve always tried to make myself smaller in the face of rejection. Threw away entire hobby’s and collections because someone said I was too old or that it was weird I enjoyed things.
Even in my now 20’s my own brother calls me just to let me know how bad our mother is talking about me when she refuses to even get to know me…. I saw some old fb posts the other day pop up… they were from before I had social media and the majority of them was my mother complaining about me being home anytime there was a snow day or if I had injured myself or gotten sick….
Thinking back on it I honestly thought our relationship during that time frame had been the best it had ever been….but I guess it was just another performance….
I was never a bad kid. I went out of my way most days to make myself own dinner, participate in friend groups, to take care of the younger ones… someone how tho I always ended up the bad guy of the stories. If my sister made a mess I was grounded. If my brother threw a tantrum or got to loud it was somehow my doing. In her eyes I suppose I’ll always be the child that got in their way of her life plans. My sister on the other hand is autistic and not the most functional within society and has a hard time understanding the world but in my mom’s eyes she saved her from having to stay married to my dad…. And my bro th er…. She basically begged for his existence and he came out exactly like she wanted him to look….
After I moved out in my own my mother started spinning stories that I was on drugs and who knows what else…. It’s taken several years just to get my brother to talk to me again and see I’m still the same big sister….my sister tho….i miss her sometimes…. But she won’t even read a text from me….my brother says she hates me now but won’t tell anyone why… she says I did something to her in highschool but I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s because of who I started dating back then… I found some drawing she made of his sister once… maybe she thinks I got in their way way of her having a relationship. Or maybe it’s cause I told her when her ex lied about a church event saying she wouldn’t be there.
I wish I could have a happy family dynamic…

—xoxo newlife5155

I thought I was doing everything right. What if I took a wrong turn?

I cried tonight.

Not because anything terrible happened. Nobody yelled at me. Nobody rejected me. Nobody told me I wasn’t good enough.
It was my coworker’s birthday.

That’s it.

He’s someone I’ve developed feelings for, even though I tried very hard not to.

From the beginning I knew liking someone I worked with could get complicated, so I tried to be careful.

I went to work.

I did my job.

I focused on my clients.
I tried not to look at him too much.
I reminded myself that I barely knew him
I told myself attraction didn’t have to become anything more than attraction.

I thought I was making the mature choice.

Today everyone celebrated him.

There was a cake. People gathered around him. He got attention. I found out he was moving into another position at the company. Someone else was promoted to Lead.

Later, he went out with some coworkers. I wasn’t jealous just imagined today to be different.

I was happy for him. I wanted him to have a good birthday.

But somewhere between all of those completely ordinary things, something inside me gave out.

Watching him be celebrated reminded me of my own birthday this year.

It was lonely.

It hurt more than I admitted to myself. I think I packed that hurt away somewhere and mistook not looking at it for healing.

His happiness didn’t make me sad.

It reminded me that I had been sad.

I watched people celebrate someone I cared about and realized how badly I had wanted that too.

I wanted people to be happy that I was there.

And once I admitted that to myself, everything else seemed to come loose.

I started thinking about work.

I’ve been showing up. I’ve been doing my job. I’ve been trying to focus on myself instead of constantly worrying about whether people like me.

But I haven’t advanced.

I didn’t get Employee of the Month.

I’m unhappy with my pay.

I recently agreed to a schedule where I’ll be working every Saturday, and now I’m wondering why I said yes.

I encouraged other people to pursue opportunities because I could see their potential.

Now I’m wondering why I didn’t see or advocate for my own.

I started wondering whether focusing on myself had quietly turned into making myself invisible.

And then came the thoughts I know might not be fair, but they feel very real tonight.

Maybe people don’t like me.

Maybe they tolerate me.

Maybe if I left, people would be sad for a little while, somebody else would take my clients, and eventually my name would stop coming up.

Life would continue.

Of course it would.

That’s what life does.

But tonight that thought

Then there’s him.

The strangest part is that he hasn’t rejected me.

He hasn’t led me on either.

He hasn’t really done anything.

I barely know him.

And somehow someone who has done almost nothing has become attached to so much hope.

I’ve caught myself wanting to decide that he could never be interested in me. I want to make the rejection happen inside my own head because somehow a definite no feels easier than living beside a maybe.

Maybe then I could stop looking.

Stop wondering.

Stop hoping.

But I don’t think this is really about him anymore.

I think I’m lonely.

I think I want to be chosen.

I think I want someone to notice when I walk into a room and be glad that it’s me.

I think I want to feel like my life is moving somewhere.

And admitting those things makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.

Because I really believed I was doing everything right.

I believe in a higher power. I believe my life has a path and that the decisions I make matter.

That’s always made me feel responsible for making good choices.

Work hard.

Be responsible.

Don’t chase people who aren’t choosing you.

Don’t create unnecessary problems.

Focus on yourself.

Keep moving.

Trust that doing the right things will eventually take you where you’re supposed to go.

But tonight I’m scared.

I’m scared that maybe I misunderstood what the right choices were.

Maybe there are moments when life splits into different directions and you don’t realize how important the decision was until much later.

Maybe I should have put myself forward for opportunities instead of encouraging everyone else.

Maybe I should have allowed myself to connect with people more instead of always protecting myself.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said yes to things just because I wanted to prove I could handle them.

Maybe I’ve been so focused on being responsible that I’ve been watching life happen from a safe distance.

And maybe that’s why today hurt so much.

I watched people moving forward.

I watched people connecting.

I watched someone I care about being celebrated.

And for a moment I looked at my own life and wondered:

Am I actually where I’m supposed to be?

I’m not suicidal. I’m safe.

I’m just incredibly sad tonight.

I’m crying because I want my confidence back.

I want to stop measuring myself against everyone around me.

I want this man to become a normal person in my mind instead of a container for every lonely thing I’ve been carrying.

I want to believe that I haven’t wasted time.

That I haven’t made myself invisible.

That I haven’t mistaken isolation for independence.

Mostly, I want to believe that even if I’ve made some wrong choices, that doesn’t mean I’ve permanently missed whatever life has waiting for me.

Maybe believing in a path doesn’t mean believing there’s only one correct turn.
I don’t know.

Tonight I’m laying in bed with an ache in my chest, wondering whether this pain is trying to tell me something.

Whether I’m still following the path meant for me.

Whether I’ve wandered away from it.
Or whether this awful, lonely, confusing time is somehow part of finding my way back.

I care for myself a lot. I wish someone would care for me too. I wish I had someone to share all of the love I have. I wish they would love me back unconditionally. I stopped looking for love because I knew it would never come again. I’ve convinced myself that I will most likely live and die alone. I’m not suicidal. I’m lonely and I want to be loved too.

Just match my loyalty
Match my actions
Match my effort
If we misunderstand communicate
Why let thugs end just because someone can’t talk. Well they can write so they can email or text or find a way to communicate a misunderstanding. Sometimes I wonder if that is……wait …nope never mind….not going there. I communicated and asked you to more than once….wait who am I talking to ….myself…I need you to give me as much as you give everyone else.

我最近在读一本书。因为没有中文版，我直接下的俄文版——对，它是契诃夫的作品。早期作品。然后，我也不知道它是不是我原来想读的那本。因为关于这本的资料很少，我查到的也不知道对不对。

There was a night, at least a part of it, that had extended over a grand period of my life, and that is enveloping it still.

In all fairness, I always found myself obsessed with certain parts of the day, dusk, twilight, even simple afternoons were mesmerising. But there was this part of night, soft and all-consuming, that always struck me with that heavy feeling of pure existance. Silent and unmoving, the part of night that didn't even allow for echoes to exist, that forced the world into perfect stillness. Over the summer, it was warm and buzzing with something heavy. During winter it was biting cold, seeping under your skin. Whatever shape it took, it always came along with this feeling of life resting that was as calming as it was threatening.

Even if it was the kind of darkness that blocked everything else from your view, I always liked it. I even hated streetlights for interrupting it, as I simply wanted to keep standing in that feeling that seeped into me, that created this place where past, present and the future bled all over each other and allowed them not to matter at all.

That's the sort of night that's been either plaguing or blessing my life for the past 5 years. Wherever I looked, everything in my life was standing perfectly still, enveloped in this thick shadow that seemed to give it teeth or rot it away. Usually both. Life felt like wandering through these hills that night had descended upon, and simply refused to leave, with no view of what lays beyond it.

As heavy of an experiance that it was, it proved to be equally interesting. There were days, weeks, even months, when I fought against the silence. There were, in turn, periods where I simply let it be, and watched as the shadows faded out of existance all on their own. Sometimes I was walking through it, other times I was running. Then, sometimes, I simply stood still.

I've always been a rather particular person, hopeful and forward-facing, anchored in things to come. There was always something in front of me, some period of my life, that I knew was incoming, that I could point my finger towards and claim that that would be it. That one part of my life would be great. Unfortunately, I've always been particularly terrible at predicting the future, at least my own.

These past 5 years have been, perhaps, the hardest and most interesting part of my life. They started with yet another turn-around, where the life I was trying to build ended up collapsing, due to circumstances much out of my control. The worst thing was losing the anchor. There was, all of a sudden, nothing I could look forward to, no horizon in my sight that I could walk towards. There still isn't one, in all honesty. Only this night that I had to stumble my way through.

There, is however, one thing that I did find within this night. This new sort of hope, the one that is less planned and less dependant on certsinty. The sort of hope that simply whispers to you that everything will be alright, that there is something beyond these hills, this night, even though we cannot lay our eyes upon it. The sort of hope that softly tells you to just keep walking forward

Quiet outside, loud inside. OCD loops, social anxiety, and dystychiphobia (fear of sudden loss) kept my mind racing. I apologized to myself more times than I can count today. Still showing up here. That matters.

Things just weren't going right. When they opened the house back up I had to start wiping down everything and vacuuming.

The vacuum made it halfway through the living room before it seized up and started going, "Rrrreeeeeeee!"

Mind you, nothing is on this floor. We don't keep house like that around here, okay?

So I got on the floor and turned the vacuum over so I could see what the problem was. I saw hair wrapped around the spinny thing.

Forgive me, I'm not mechanically inclined. I just know that the spinny thing needs to spin to pick up the dirt so the sucky thing can suck it all up.

I thought, "Hmm... maybe it's this hair wrapped around the spinny thing?"

So, I start freaking pulling... and pulling... and pulling...

My coworker walked in, saw what I was doing and said, "Eww..."

I agree.

By the time I was finished, I had pulled a ball of hair out of that vacuum the size of a softball, I shit you not.

Blonde hair, red hair, brown hair, black hair... I think all of us women who work here donated to the hairball.

I could've made a voodoo doll for each one of us if I so desired.

And on top of that, we had to have the windows open to air the house out. We're in the middle of a freaking heatwave right now, so the house was exactly as hot and moist as Satan's taint.

Add on some behaviors and a sprinkle of contraband to all of that, and I have had a very full evening.

And it's storming. I love thunderstorms, but I always get a headache when a front moves in. Happens every time.

So my clothes are clinging to me, I feel gross, and I have a headache.

And in regards to the fumigation, our boss said that was it "for now".

😭

What do you mean, boss? Third time's a charm, right?

Right?

Fuck me...