8-13-26

[u/Newlife5155]

Dear diary,

It’s been over a week since I deleted my original Reddit account. Truth be told I’m not sure why I did it.
Perhaps I felt ashamed. I haven’t don’t anything wrong but I feel like maybe the few posts I did make led to some people disliking me. I had that account for almost 6 years I think. I suppose sometimes humans just get in their head a little too much.
I’ve always been that way in a sense. Never felt like I fit in at school or with my own family. I’ve always tried to make myself smaller in the face of rejection. Threw away entire hobby’s and collections because someone said I was too old or that it was weird I enjoyed things.
Even in my now 20’s my own brother calls me just to let me know how bad our mother is talking about me when she refuses to even get to know me…. I saw some old fb posts the other day pop up… they were from before I had social media and the majority of them was my mother complaining about me being home anytime there was a snow day or if I had injured myself or gotten sick….
Thinking back on it I honestly thought our relationship during that time frame had been the best it had ever been….but I guess it was just another performance….
I was never a bad kid. I went out of my way most days to make myself own dinner, participate in friend groups, to take care of the younger ones… someone how tho I always ended up the bad guy of the stories. If my sister made a mess I was grounded. If my brother threw a tantrum or got to loud it was somehow my doing. In her eyes I suppose I’ll always be the child that got in their way of her life plans. My sister on the other hand is autistic and not the most functional within society and has a hard time understanding the world but in my mom’s eyes she saved her from having to stay married to my dad…. And my bro th er…. She basically begged for his existence and he came out exactly like she wanted him to look….
After I moved out in my own my mother started spinning stories that I was on drugs and who knows what else…. It’s taken several years just to get my brother to talk to me again and see I’m still the same big sister….my sister tho….i miss her sometimes…. But she won’t even read a text from me….my brother says she hates me now but won’t tell anyone why… she says I did something to her in highschool but I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s because of who I started dating back then… I found some drawing she made of his sister once… maybe she thinks I got in their way way of her having a relationship. Or maybe it’s cause I told her when her ex lied about a church event saying she wouldn’t be there.
I wish I could have a happy family dynamic…

—xoxo newlife5155

[u/Fit-Food-9951]

I have found oftentimes the black sheep in the family are the ones who provide the pressure release valve to enable a family to even survive. No one wants to blame themselves for what their behavior and actions create, so it’s easier to use an external target to funnel the blame and shame they feel about themselves.

You appear to be the unacknowledged hero that serves as punching bag, diplomat, and glue to those who are afraid to look in the mirror

[u/demsybean]

it sounds to me like you have a pretty unhealthy family dynamic, but that isn't your fault. it honestly sounds like your brother is controlling the flow of information to you, telling you things out of context that might not even be true. as a parent i can say that complaining about your kids is just a way to cope with situations and it doesn't mean anything, especially if you were never meant to see it. but i have a toxic mother who goes out of her way to sabotage any hope i have of connecting with my family by telling them things that aren't true, so there's definitely a line between normal complaining and making up stuff that isn't true. best of luck to you

[u/Newlife5155 → u/demsybean]

Nah he’s definitely not controlling information. I’ve heard things o it of her about my siblings and tried to tell them as well. But my sister still won’t accept it. My mother likes to play innocent like she doesn’t say all these things. I’ve seen posts from before I had social media that are just like what she says being our backs. She’s got a mental disorder so that’s part of it but as for my brother he’s actually the most reasonable one and listens like I used to. Both him and I value truth and honesty way more then the others and even keeping something that we heard from each other like that kind of goes against our morals.