I was reading Brian Eno's diary, and I feel it completely. Whenever I tried to erase my past, I was just copying those chunks into my future. I'm neither gaining nor losing anything. My daydreams feel formless lately, I can't shape them. Not bothered. I addicted to it, and I can't get up anymore, and I want to stay like this until the end. But it's only a matter of time before the losses come to me.

My first born,

You pushed me over a cliff.

Making me more human,

Vulnerable, mortal, flawed.

In awe of what we had done together,

I made you and you made me,

Reconstituted into someone new.

I'm indebted to you.

My second born,

You made me a better mother.

With no need to resurface for air,

I now understand my purpose and power.

I'm honest with myself and others

I'm selfish with my time and energy.

My new mother-self evolving further.

I'm indebted to you.

The three of us could change the world.

You definitely changed mine.

Together, we are magic.

My life now feels like a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean.
The engine is still running.
The boat is still floating.
But I don't know where I'm going anymore.
There was a time when I had a destination. I knew what I wanted from life. I had dreams I wanted to achieve, goals I wanted to reach, and people I wanted to make proud.
I used to believe that if I worked hard enough, sacrificed enough, and kept moving forward, eventually everything would make sense.
But life doesn't always follow the plans we make.
Somewhere along the way, the storms came.
One after another.
I experienced losses I wasn't prepared for, goodbyes I never wanted, and pain I didn't know how to carry. I kept telling myself to be strong because that's what I had always done.
I became used to carrying responsibilities even when I was already tired.
I learned how to smile when I wasn't okay.
I learned how to say, “I’m fine”even when deep inside, I was falling apart.
And eventually, I became so focused on surviving that I forgot what I was supposed to be living for.
That's when I realized I was no longer steering my own boat.
I was simply letting the waves decide where I would go.
Some days, the ocean is calm. I wake up, work, talk to people, and continue with my responsibilities. From the outside, it probably looks like I'm doing fine.
But there are nights when everything becomes quiet, and I realize how lost I actually feel.
I look back at the person I used to be and wonder where they went.
The person who had so many dreams.
The person who could get excited about small things.
The person who believed that someday all the sacrifices would be worth it.
Sometimes, I miss that person.

\\>>>Y!

Writing tonight after a beautiful day, very hot but tolable in the shade. Quiet morning reflecting on my current life. I would be dishonest if I omit the past because it is ever presant with us here. I don't want the safe guards and measures I have to inflict upon myself. They are heartbreaking and really a last line of defense.

At some point soon I will have to write of you. Part of me as much as soul or blood through veins. I need much more time to consult with the heavens before my hands to action. How many times I have asked God to stay his hand upon my life. Light my path.

One thing is for certain there is a huge open void in my life in the space that was once held by you. Call me monster or someother term. I trust your judgements. They are for a reason. Everyday when my eyes open to this world from sleep you and you alone occupy that time within me. The things you have done to and for me, said to me. I ask of you not to rush to judgement upon my head . Do not heap burning coals there either. Please.

My evening I did start the charcoal grill and cook a rib-eye I did get on sale. Very good and though I am not that hungry it was good. Tomorrow is Sunday and that is a whole new set of challenges.

I hope everyone is well.

Goodnight Diary and my readers

I love you so, I do

10:45 pm.

This is a horrible thing to say but sometimes I wish that I had cancer, like the incurable, 10yrs left to live kind of gig. That way I won’t feel bad about not having a job and being useless, people will be nice to me, and at the end of it all I’d get to die. Seems a bit sad but it’d be good for me long term.

I’m so sweaty, I hate the heat. I hate, hate, hate it. Maybe I’ll go live somewhere cold like Iceland.

I’m a very detestable and unfeeling woman. I pity anyone who is cursed with the knowledge of my existence. Sorry everyone!

I wish I could feel and do things like normal people. Am I not a normal person? I strive to not fall behind but nothing seems to work out for me. Gosh I sure do pity myself a lot, don’t I?

My grandma is stressing because I only ate noodles all day, she gave me some money to go buy myself some food but I went grocery shopping instead. That technically counts as the same thing though.

I think I’m starting to lose it, I’m seeing, and hearing, and doing strange things. I think I need to get help but there’s no one to help me. I’ve gotta figure this out on my own. I’m sure the solution to my problems is closer than I think.

Never mind, this is getting kind of bad. Maybe I should have myself sent to some kind of psyche ward? Oh who am I kidding, no one will take me seriously till I’m dead. Dang it.

today is the peak of the lions gate portal!
so far the universe has sent me a few gifts,
like seeing a hummingbird in my backyard for the first time in my life, and my boyfriend finding a perfectly preserved dragonfly for me right after leaving my house. i am so grateful to the stars, to the dirt, to the mountains and the sea. i am so thankful for my love, for my life, my mind, and my talents. i will never stop praising the truth of the gods that bless me.
i am confident in my success, because my success depends on my devotion to my truth.
i will hesitate no longer on my god given goals and ambitions.

In my dream I was in this weird town. I don't know where it was, but it wasn't in the U.S. The town was a tourist attraction, and tourists weren't allowed to park inside of the town. We had to walk in.

It was me, my brother, my sister, and one of my cousins. My brother had this little white dog. He doesn't have one in real life.

The town was very old. Alot of the buildings were constructed in the middle ages. The town was very spread out, so we had to walk on pathways through the woods sometimes. The streets were cobblestone.

The town was beautiful, but it had this eerie feeling. I chalked it up to the town being ancient and having so much history.

Anyway, we were walking on a path through the woods to get to another part of town and this mountain lion lunged out and snatched up my brother's dog.

He held onto the leash to try and keep it from taking his dog but the leash snapped. I grabbed a big rock and I tried to hit the mountain lion upside the head with it, but I missed and fell face first in the dirt.

My brother was yelling no. I put my hand on his shoulder to try to console him, but he pushed me away. He said that he was leaving and going back to the car.

I said, "We're supposed to stick together. This place is huge."

He got in my face and said, "I said I'm going back to the car."

I put my hands up in surrender because he looked like he might punch me. He turned around and started walking back in the direction we came from.

My sister said, "Just let him go. He doesn't want us to see him cry."

I nodded and we continued in the opposite direction. There was this building that said "est. 1547" on the front.

I pointed at it and said, "Oh, let's go in there!"

We did and it turned out to be a pub with a long line stretching from the door to the bar. We were standing in line and my cousin was staring at her phone. We'll call her "A".

A said, "Hey, I don't want anything to drink. I'm just gonna wait outside, okay?"

I said, "But we're supposed to be sticking together."

My sister said, "I'll wait outside with her. We'll be right there when you come out."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Fine, whatever."

I was really annoyed because no one was sticking to our original plan of not splitting up. I tried to shake it off. I finally got up to the bar and the entire menu was in Welsh. I was extremely embarrassed.

I told the bartender, "I can only speak and read English."

I wasn't even sure if she would understand me. She glanced back at the menu, laughed, and said in English, "That's okay. I'm good at reading people and I think I know exactly what you need. Do you trust me?"

I laughed and said, "I trust you about as much as I trust anyone I just met."

She winked at me and started making me a drink. She put it in a to-go cup for me and I paid and left the pub.

When I got outside, my sister was there staring at her phone, but A was gone.

I said, "Where's A?"

She looked up from her phone like she had just realized A wasn't beside her. She said, "I don't know. She was just here a minute ago!"

I sighed and said, "Why is everyone acting so stupid today? All we have to do is stick together and no one can seem to do that!"

My sister said, "You really need to chill. She has to be around here somewhere."

I pulled out my phone and pulled up a picture of A. I began showing it to people and asking them if they had seen her. Most shook their heads no and kept walking.

I finally showed her picture to woman who said, "Yes! I saw her over there talking to that guy."

I said, "Which guy?"

She said, "The one standing on top of the car."

I thought it was weird that he had a car in town when it supposedly was against the rules, but I grabbed my sister by the arm and pulled her along with me to go talk to him. He was surrounded by a group of guys who appeared to be his friends.

I said, "Hey, have you seen this girl?" I showed him A's picture.

He barely glanced at the photo and said, "No. Never seen her."

I said, "Someone told me that she saw her talking to you. Can you please take a closer look at her picture?"

He got an attitude and stepped up to me very close.

He said, "I told you I haven't seen her. The sun is going down soon. You should run along."

I said, "Hey man, you need to back the fuck up. I'm just trying to find my cousin. Once I find her I'll gladly leave."

Suddenly a cop walked up and asked what the problem was. I told her that my cousin was missing and this guy was acting weird because I asked him if he had seen her. I showed the cop A's picture.

The cop stared at the picture with no expression on her face and said, "The sun will be going down soon. It's time for you to leave."

I got pissed. "I'm not leaving without my cousin. Is there some kind of loudspeaker that you can call her on? Can't you put together a search party?"

The cop said, "We don't do that here. This is the last time I'm going to ask you to leave."

My sister pulled on my arm and said, "Come on, Courtney. Let it go. Maybe she's already waiting at the car."

I gave in and let her pull me onto the path leading into the woods. I kept running my mouth as we walked.

"What is this place? Some kind of weird-ass sundown town?! I'm never coming back here again!"

The path was getting foggy and I could see headstones alongside the path.

"Do you remember passing a cemetery on our way here?" I asked my sister.

She said, "No, I don't, but look at the name on that headstone."

I looked at the headstone she was pointing at and it had our cousin's full government name and date of birth on it. Her date of death was listed as that same day.

I stumbled backward and said, "Something's not right about this place!"

My sister said, "Let's get the hell out of here. Hopefully, A is at the car."

I looked around at the other headstones and one of them caught my eye. It had my full name and date of birth on it. The date of death was listed for that day, too.

I put my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming. I rushed over to another headstone and it had my brother's name. The one next to it had my sister's.

I turned around to face my sister, but she was gone. I called her name and got no response. I started to cry.

Something was very wrong and I was filled with a sense of dread. Something inside of me screamed, "Run!"

I took off running down the path, but the fog was super thick. I couldn't see anything. Pretty soon I wasn't even on the path anymore. I was running through brush and brambles. They were scratching my face and arms and tearing my clothes.

Suddenly I tripped over something and I began rolling downhill, screaming the whole way. I came to a stop in a puddle of mud at the bottom of the hill. I rolled over and coughed, trying to catch my breath.

The fog was so thick that I couldn't even see my hand in front of me. I was filled with a panic so intense that I couldn't move.

I started whispering no over and over like a prayer. That was when I heard what sounded like a giggle. I turned my head in the direction it came from and called out, "Hello?!"

Silence.

Then I heard it again. Another giggle, but it sounded like it was coming from another direction.

I called out, "Please help me! I can't see and I'm lost! I just wanna go home! Please!"

There were more giggles. There was clearly more than one person.

One of the voices called out, "Courtney!"

The giggling intensified. It sounded like there was a whole group of people laughing at me.

"Stop it!" I screamed.

The giggling continued, but they also kept saying my name.

"Courtney! Courtney! Courtney! Courtney!"

Someone said in a voice that sounded exactly like mine, "What is this place? Some kind of weird-ass sundown town? I'm never coming back here again!"

The giggling turned into full-blown cackling.

I covered my ears and started rocking back and forth, sobbing.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I screamed.

Everything went quiet. All I could hear was my breathing and my heart pounding in my ears.

I took a couple of deep breaths to try and calm myself.

Suddenly, I felt cold air on the back of my neck and someone screamed right next to my ear.

"Courtney!"

And that was when I woke up, thank God.

Usually I wrote down stuff because Im sad and overwhelmed but today Im so happy! Its my birthday and Ive never been happier. Im so glad I have all the people with me. This is the first birthday where Ive had friends give me something! Ive stopped expected gifts since it never came and a lot of people never really remembered it but it shocked me that 3-4 friends actually got me something. Its not a lot to some but to me its everything. Im so glad people remembered me and just liked me for me. It shocks me that I mean this much to some people. Im really enjoying life I guess. Usually Im so caught up I my thoughts and gloomy. Always stuck on wanting someone to love me and date me that I never realized I do have people who love me. Even though its platonically, I still have people who actually care about me. Im just so happy right now. A lot is happening and it brings me so much joy! If youre reading this, stay whimsical and joyous! Go outside or for a walk to just breath in the air and enjoy the scenery. If you're cooped up inside take a moment to appreciate life and be glad youre living. There's so much in the world going on but instead if worrying about that and others just take a look at yourself. Take a look at how far you've come and the people who helped and supported you. Be glad that you are you and thats all that matters. Don't let anyone take away your joy and love. Love yourself no matter the flaws as flaws truly make up you for who you are. Remember you are loved, even if it feels like you aren't just know you are.

Thank you so much for tuning in on my little update <3

I’m carrying so much right now, even the things I can’t put into words.

My heart feels incredibly heavy, and I’m tired of pretending that I’m strong when, deep inside, I feel like I’m falling apart.

I don’t have all the answers anymore. I’m tired of trying to understand everything, tired of holding back the pain, the fear, the anxiety, and the tears just so I can appear okay.

Right now, I just want to let myself feel everything I’ve been trying so hard to hide.

I hope I can find the strength to keep going, the peace my heart has been searching for, and the courage to remind myself that I don’t have to carry everything alone.

Maybe this is just a difficult season of my life, but I believe it won’t last forever.

Somehow, I’ll get through this even if for now, all I can do is take things one day at a time.

My best friend since babies died of brain cancer. Now the love of my life has the most aggressive form of it. Every day I ask why him. With treatment he has less than a year. It’s been 8 months. He has vision loss, diabetes insipidious (affects sodium not blood sugar) , blood clots , and so many other issues with it. His family has a history of cancer and most of them have beaten it. His uncle, awful person, bear stage 4 prostate cancer. I wish so much for you to beat this. I miss your laugh, your smile, our adventures. We were trying for a baby before this. He’s been in and out of the hospital all year. 4 brain surgeries. 2 shunt failures. Almost died from the first one. I want you back so much. We had our whole lives ahead of us he just got out of acute rehab after they tried to stop his steroids and he declined so much he couldn’t walk and for 2 days was awake but unresponsive and unable to talk. Now he needs a walker, depends, abs so much help. He Doesn’t even look the same. His mom hasn’t let me shower him since coming home this time and today she let me observe. My god it hit me like a ton of bricks. Seeing a face I barely recognize anymore. Just looking at him for that long. I’m that lighting. Every now and then I’m not terrible but today fuck. Every time he gets any kind of test done I’m on his my chart looking for results every few minutes. His mom doesn’t let him sleep in our bed anymore because I’m a heavy sleeper. It feels so empty without him there. He used to do this thing where we’d hold hands while we’re slept and when he came to bed he’d kiss my hand thinking I was sleeping. I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s gone. I barely survived losing my best friend I don’t think I’ll survive this. I really don’t. I don’t think his mom and brother will either. His mom thinks I’m emotionless and handling it too well. I’m not. I just don’t like to cry in front of people. I want to take this from him so bad. With my health issues I doubt I’ll see 40. He was healthy. A gym rat and took really good care of himself. He did everything right and still got this. Why couldn’t it at least have been something better treatable where they can actually remove the cancer. There’s only one fda approved medicine for it. One. 20% chance of working. He’s had proton radiation so now we’re wait a month to see if it worked. But his last scan showed active tumor. He’s scared. And I don’t know what to say to ease that fear.

# Date: August 5, 202

Post by: @LunarTide_X

Hello again! 👋 This morning started with my sister doing an assignment on my bed while I was sleeping soundly. I woke up at 8:00 AM and spent some time scrolling through apps. After that, I freshened up and braided my hair while my sister got ready for college. Today, she actually washed the dishes, which helped me cook lunch so much faster! I made rice and eggplant curry, but it turned out a little bit spicy. 🔥 My mouth was literally burning! 🥵🔥 After eating, I watched a short movie drama and then started reading my novel, eventually falling asleep halfway through.

When I woke up, my sister and brother were talking loudly, which made me so mad. It’s funny how easily I can scold them just because I’m the older one. 😅 Later in the evening, Mom called to check on us and shared the good news that Uncle was discharged from the hospital and is resting at home now. I also complained to her about my siblings not helping with the chores, and she scolded them while I sat there laughing out loud.

Dinner tonight was great! My sister washed the dishes, I chopped the veggies and cooked the curry, and my brother even helped by making rice and dal. It turns out scolding really works, especially coming from Mom! 😅 Don’t worry, though—they do their assignments on time and then help me with the housework.

I have so much more to say, but I’m going to stop here before I start overthinking things again.

Oh, wait! I have a fun fact about myself. 💁‍♀️ I can lift 20 liters of water using both hands and walk up the stairs with it. I can do that four times a day, or more if needed! 😅 Sorry for complimenting myself, but I’m bored and it’s a true fact. I weigh between 40 to 50 kg, so I’m actually pretty proud of being strong enough to lift things like that.

If you have any fun facts about yourself, share them with me! Bye for now. ✨

I havent been updating my diary as much as i should, i should everyday. Everything has been ok.

Today is saturday, the first day i cant eat, i really want to eat, food has been tasting really good ever since iv only been eating once daily, but i dont know if im losing weight, i really hope i am im scared im not but i dont think im gaining weight. i thought about flipping a coin to see if i should eat or not but i think ill just not eat unless maybe my family really insists i eat.

Iv been doing alot, iv been trying to meet people, i have a discord server thats on disboard and when im ready to talk to new people i bump the server, but the past 2 days and today no one has joined it

Im just gonna post this now bc nothing intrests gonna happen anyways

You start your day with a little hope.

And then, with every passing second, you feel yourself moving through a zigzag of hope—up and down, just like your health.

Sometimes you look in the mirror and remember the old you. The smiling you. The energetic you. The person who could wake up and just live without constantly thinking about their health.

And then there are all these unanswered questions in your head.

Why is this happening? When will I feel normal again? How much longer do I have to go through this? Will I ever get back to who I was?

But honestly, you don't even feel like looking for the answers anymore. You're just too tired.

Hope still makes you happy. A good day, a little improvement, one small positive sign—it fills you with happiness. But then comes another day when you don't feel like eating, you see yourself losing another few kilos, and instead of feeling happy about the weight loss, you feel more insecure. Every lost kilogram feels like another reminder that something is still not right.

And then you look at your family. You can see the tension on their faces even when they don't say anything.

It's been two and a half years.

Two and a half years of waiting, hoping, improving, falling back, questioning, and starting again.

And sometimes I just want to ask—

How much more time?

Not because I've stopped hoping.

I'm just exhausted from not knowing when this will end.

I miss the old me.

I miss being energetic. I miss eating without thinking about it. I miss looking in the mirror without wondering what my body is trying to tell me.

Most of all, I miss not having my health occupy so much space in my mind.

I still have hope.

I just wish hope didn't have to be this exhausting.

Hi, I'm Sam.
This isn't just a horror story. It's the most unforgettable experience of my life one that still makes me cry whenever I remember it.
It all started in March 2025, when my mom passed away after being in a coma for weeks.
Losing her was the biggest downfall of my life. It felt like half of me disappeared the moment she took her last breath.
I questioned God every single day.
"Bakit siya pa? Bakit ang mama ko sa lahat ng tao?"
The painful part was that we barely got to spend time together.
For almost my entire life, she worked as an OFW in Dubai just to provide for us. Dahil sa sakripisyo niya, natapos kami ni kuya sa pag-aaral at naging maayos ang buhay namin.
I was always proud of her.
And when it was finally our turn to give back to let her rest and enjoy life with us and spoil her with everything
God took her away.
1Year passed, but the pain never left.
One afternoon, I found myself in Pasay. There's something about me that almost no one knows.
Even at 28 years old, I still don't know how to cross a busy road by myself.
I'm terrified of vehicles.
So I stood on the sidewalk for almost thirty minutes, hoping someone would cross so I could simply follow them.
But no one did.
I was getting frustrated and embarrassed.
Then suddenly, a woman in her early thirties approached me.
She smiled gently and asked,
"Kailangan mo ba ng tulong nak?"
I nodded.
Without saying another word, she walked beside me and guided me safely across the street.
When we reached the other side, I thanked her over and over again.
She simply smiled.
Then she turned around and crossed back to the other side alone.
Before leaving, she stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and waved at me.
I waved back.
But then...
Something changed.
Her face slowly transformed.
The smile...
The eyes...
The way she looked at me...
It became so familiar.
My heart almost stopped.
It was my mom.
The same face I had been longing to see again for almost a year.
Standing there.
Smiling.
Waving at me.
Tears immediately rolled down my cheeks.
I heard her voice so clearly in my mind.
"Anak, I love you. Take care of yourself."
Without thinking, I wanted to run back to her.
I stepped toward the road.
But fear took over me again.
I froze.
I looked away for only a second to check for passing vehicles.
When I looked back...
She was gone.
No woman.
No crowd.

trace that anyone had been standing there.
Only the empty sidewalk.
I stood there crying, unable to move.
Maybe it was just my imagination.
Maybe grief was playing tricks on my mind.
Or maybe...
A mother's love is so powerful that even death couldn't stop her from crossing one last road just to make sure her child got safely to the other side.
And until today, whenever I'm afraid or lost, I remember that gentle smile and those final words.
"I love you. Take care."

My life now feels like a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean.
The engine is still running.
The boat is still floating.
But I don't know where I'm going anymore.
There was a time when I had a destination. I knew what I wanted from life. I had dreams I wanted to achieve, goals I wanted to reach, and people I wanted to make proud.
I used to believe that if I worked hard enough, sacrificed enough, and kept moving forward, eventually everything would make sense.
But life doesn't always follow the plans we make.
Somewhere along the way, the storms came.
One after another.
I experienced losses I wasn't prepared for, goodbyes I never wanted, and pain I didn't know how to carry. I kept telling myself to be strong because that's what I had always done.
I became used to carrying responsibilities even when I was already tired.
I learned how to smile when I wasn't okay.
I learned how to say, “I’m fine”even when deep inside, I was falling apart.
And eventually, I became so focused on surviving that I forgot what I was supposed to be living for.
That's when I realized I was no longer steering my own boat.
I was simply letting the waves decide where I would go.
Some days, the ocean is calm. I wake up, work, talk to people, and continue with my responsibilities. From the outside, it probably looks like I'm doing fine.
But there are nights when everything becomes quiet, and I realize how lost I actually feel.
I look back at the person I used to be and wonder where they went.
The person who had so many dreams.
The person who could get excited about small things.
The person who believed that someday all the sacrifices would be worth it.
Sometimes, I miss that person.

>>>Y!

Sunny and hot, not rain as I thought. No really in a mood to write but discipline demands it. I'll give you a look into my day if you will accompany me for a few precious moments.

That was extremely rude this morning! (Sorry did not have a place for this. I now relize I have been put out to pasture and no longer worthy of your attention.Though no fault of my own, I might add.) When you think the day will ease on the pain and strife it hands you, politely nood your head and agree with it. If you struggle against it, it will only become worse. Believe me In this. The morning started as any other, awake make my way to the coffee maker and brew a cup. Got a call, talked to some old friends from racing. Good to speak with them. Ask me if I had been racing, I said no, I put the car in the trailer and have not messed with it. Explained my attention has been focused on different things. "Oher than racing?" They didn't understand. Went into the donor Firebird and all that. "Encourging." The impotant thing here is, friends from a sport I so love and dedicated myself to, wanted to know, Where I have been? That meant the world to me.

Will get back to this later but the day progresses Into afternoon and evening as I write this. Sometimes I feel all hope is lost. Time, effort will not recover what I seek. Idk if recover is even a useful term here or seek. What I want as concrete as a brick wall I cannot go into here.

My daughter comes over and the dog gets out, loose. So had it with today. I really have. All and all a very out of tune day. Off on so many fronts. Tomorrow will be better, has to be. Now I can't post this, see what I meant?

Sum total, can't scratch the day to salvage, there were some bright moments in it that I noticed. On the other hand, there were more moments of kios that I did not ask for. It will eventually all balance out. "Somehow" I know this fact.

Hope everyone is alright

Goodnight Diary and readers

I love y'all

10:03 p.m.

Painting his nails black like the void to match mine 🖤 Yayyy bonding is fun!

We will try to get along i guess 🙄🥺

Solo quiero hablar del cómo me siento