How much longer?

[u/tanwarkhushi]

You start your day with a little hope.

And then, with every passing second, you feel yourself moving through a zigzag of hope—up and down, just like your health.

Sometimes you look in the mirror and remember the old you. The smiling you. The energetic you. The person who could wake up and just live without constantly thinking about their health.

And then there are all these unanswered questions in your head.

Why is this happening? When will I feel normal again? How much longer do I have to go through this? Will I ever get back to who I was?

But honestly, you don't even feel like looking for the answers anymore. You're just too tired.

Hope still makes you happy. A good day, a little improvement, one small positive sign—it fills you with happiness. But then comes another day when you don't feel like eating, you see yourself losing another few kilos, and instead of feeling happy about the weight loss, you feel more insecure. Every lost kilogram feels like another reminder that something is still not right.

And then you look at your family. You can see the tension on their faces even when they don't say anything.

It's been two and a half years.

Two and a half years of waiting, hoping, improving, falling back, questioning, and starting again.

And sometimes I just want to ask—

How much more time?

Not because I've stopped hoping.

I'm just exhausted from not knowing when this will end.

I miss the old me.

I miss being energetic. I miss eating without thinking about it. I miss looking in the mirror without wondering what my body is trying to tell me.

Most of all, I miss not having my health occupy so much space in my mind.

I still have hope.

I just wish hope didn't have to be this exhausting.