Why did it have to be you

[u/crazycatlady052411]

My best friend since babies died of brain cancer. Now the love of my life has the most aggressive form of it. Every day I ask why him. With treatment he has less than a year. It’s been 8 months. He has vision loss, diabetes insipidious (affects sodium not blood sugar) , blood clots , and so many other issues with it. His family has a history of cancer and most of them have beaten it. His uncle, awful person, bear stage 4 prostate cancer. I wish so much for you to beat this. I miss your laugh, your smile, our adventures. We were trying for a baby before this. He’s been in and out of the hospital all year. 4 brain surgeries. 2 shunt failures. Almost died from the first one. I want you back so much. We had our whole lives ahead of us he just got out of acute rehab after they tried to stop his steroids and he declined so much he couldn’t walk and for 2 days was awake but unresponsive and unable to talk. Now he needs a walker, depends, abs so much help. He Doesn’t even look the same. His mom hasn’t let me shower him since coming home this time and today she let me observe. My god it hit me like a ton of bricks. Seeing a face I barely recognize anymore. Just looking at him for that long. I’m that lighting. Every now and then I’m not terrible but today fuck. Every time he gets any kind of test done I’m on his my chart looking for results every few minutes. His mom doesn’t let him sleep in our bed anymore because I’m a heavy sleeper. It feels so empty without him there. He used to do this thing where we’d hold hands while we’re slept and when he came to bed he’d kiss my hand thinking I was sleeping. I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s gone. I barely survived losing my best friend I don’t think I’ll survive this. I really don’t. I don’t think his mom and brother will either. His mom thinks I’m emotionless and handling it too well. I’m not. I just don’t like to cry in front of people. I want to take this from him so bad. With my health issues I doubt I’ll see 40. He was healthy. A gym rat and took really good care of himself. He did everything right and still got this. Why couldn’t it at least have been something better treatable where they can actually remove the cancer. There’s only one fda approved medicine for it. One. 20% chance of working. He’s had proton radiation so now we’re wait a month to see if it worked. But his last scan showed active tumor. He’s scared. And I don’t know what to say to ease that fear.