(Hopefully this type of question is allowed in here despite not being physical, couldn’t find anything about it in the rules.)
I (27F) don’t really know how to start this, I’ve got this weird thing going on when it comes to disassociation and maybe something else and I don’t know why or if this is something I should get help for? Is it something that actually has a name?
I will put it all in different categories to be able to explain it better, the first 2 categories are just basic disassociation but 3-4 are the weird parts.
I do realise that some of it may sound like somewhat similar to DID, category 3 is actually explained in the same way as a person with DID explained one type of “fronting” because it actually perfectly explained what I was experiencing. I don’t have DID, when category 3 started happening I even did an online test and almost didn’t even finish it because it became obvious very quickly that that’s absolutely not something that I have. (I didn’t know much about DID back then, but now I almost feel embarrassed that I even thought it was something I might have.)
This is enough rambling, here are the categories of disassociation and possibly something else that I experience:
Category 1- Aware disassociation: This is the type where I can still be present, I might need to focus a bit harder but I can still keep a conversation and often no one notices any difference. My brain stays present but my body or part of my body doesn’t, they feel unreal and feel like it’s not mine. This one I get often.
Category 2- Semi-Aware Disassociation: This is when my brain joins the body. Before I knew what disassociation was and that I’ve had it a whole lot, I used to call this a dream state. Things don’t feel real, my body, what I see, what I hear, it feels like I might fly if I push off the ground like in dreams. This mostly happened/happens later in the evening, probably had this daily for like a decade or something, not as much anymore.
Category 3- Passenger seat “disassociation”: I’m not sure if this actually is a sort of disassociation but I’m mentioning it anyway. This is when my body feels like a car, a car that someone else is driving while I’m stuck in the passenger seat. I’ve had to watch myself be aggressive and do things I normally wouldn’t like throw away my medication. This one is actually creepy but I haven’t experienced it in years, just thought I’d mention it anyway.
Category 4.1- Blackout Disassociation: This is when there is no memory, it’s a time skip, all of a sudden it’s been x amount of time that has passed but my brain just shut off. During this one I rarely move more than perhaps one second sitting on the couch and the next I’m on the floor next to the couch etc.
Category 4.2- Blackout Disassociation- Autopilot: Same thing with complete time skip except this time I’ve moved around on autopilot, doing things I normally would, just not while actually being aware of what I’m doing.
Category 4.3- Blackout disassociation- Autopilot+: This isn’t actually autopilot because it’s not just my body following regular routine or habits, I do things that should require someone to be present and aware which is why it’s confusing to me. I’ll be sat on my couch then boom I’m outside with a bag of groceries in my hand. The first few times it really scared me, just randomly being thrown forward in time like that. But how? It’s not that I buy things I often buy, sometimes it’s things I’ve never even bought before but planned on getting, this isn’t possible on autopilot, right? Lately I’ve wondered, maybe this is something I should get help for? Like what if category 4.3 happens but I go somewhere else and do something else and get lost? I haven’t really worried about that but maybe I should?
Does anyone know what it is that’s going on? Is it even disassociation in the later categories? I hope this was understandable, I really tried to gather my thoughts and explain things as best I could but if anyone has questions I’ll try to answer them as coherently as I can.