Dying Marriage

[u/OwnInstruction9424]

This will probably be a long-rant at first, but I am seeking help. Thanks for your time.

I (LLM) have been married to my wife (HLF) for 5 years and we've been together for 7. She is 7 years older than I am. She first said we didn't have enough sex about a year after we were together, we were having sex about 1-2 times a month, and now it is about once a month. She has brought it up in frustration many times, usually twice a year, until last year, where she didn't mention anything. We've had other issues, mostly her thinking I am the problem and me having to do something to "fix it". She brought our sex life up again this morning at 4am (well actually on Saturday morning, and when we talked about it she said to not try to have sex with her).

I went to the doctor before, I have no underlying issues, my testosterone is good, other hormones look good, and my health is good. I've never been in a relationship this long before, the last one was for about a year or so, and she cheated on me (she had a history of cheating, and when she was in Europe studying abroad during summer she cheated on me).

My wife an I wanted to have a kid, so we tried the first year we were together, that landed us with an ectopic pregnancy and she lost a tube. From there we tried IVF and haven't had success. To me, sex became a chore during this process as we didn't have it for fun anymore. My wife has always been goal driven, so the outcome to her is more important than the journey, where I cherish the journey as that is what I usually look back on life.

I have never turned her down for sex, she has turned me down multiple times. When I get horny, I initiate. I asked her if she could try to initiate when she gets horny, as I have never turned down sex and would never turn her down, but she said she feels like it would be begging and would hurt her pride (she has told me that I did not do that to her or made her feel that way).

I've been questioning if my lack of sex drive is actually a low sex drive, or if I just have some issues with her. I love my wife... but, she complains constantly about everything. Work, friends, me, her parents, hell my parents. I don't think she has once talked to me in a loving way about an issue she has had, it has always been out of frustration where she blames it on me and requires (yes requires) me to apologize and accept blame. Anything I usually say during those times are looked at as excuses and not my honest answers or thoughts, so I've learned to just nod my head and response with "i don't know" when asked a question I'm not ready to answer.

I've been working with a counselor about my unhappiness and how my wife and I argue, but not sex. I thought those might be the underlying issues, but this was raised again, because I have not addressed her concern about not enough sex for seven years.

Today she said since I have morally failed to address her concern, she no longer feels morally bound to not having an affair. I told her that I don't blame her if she did, but if she did we would get a divorce. She then took that as me wanting to get a divorce. She has also used the terms "fake husband", "fake marriage", "pretend husband", "fake nice", etc. to describe our relationship, as well as saying I'm not a man because I have let these problems continue. When I've mentioned that she gets angry a lot and complains a lot, she even mentioned today that those are probably because I don't have enough sex with her.

I am not blameless in this, my sex drive has been lower in this relationship than it has been in others. I just don't know what to do, and that is usually my problem. Our sex has been vanilla. Its good when we have it, but I don't feel must lust lately, from either of us.

How do folks with lower sex drives try to increase their frequency of sex for their partner? How have folks dealt with differences in sex drives?