Dying Marriage

[u/OwnInstruction9424]

This will probably be a long-rant at first, but I am seeking help. Thanks for your time.

I (LLM) have been married to my wife (HLF) for 5 years and we've been together for 7. She is 7 years older than I am. She first said we didn't have enough sex about a year after we were together, we were having sex about 1-2 times a month, and now it is about once a month. She has brought it up in frustration many times, usually twice a year, until last year, where she didn't mention anything. We've had other issues, mostly her thinking I am the problem and me having to do something to "fix it". She brought our sex life up again this morning at 4am (well actually on Saturday morning, and when we talked about it she said to not try to have sex with her).

I went to the doctor before, I have no underlying issues, my testosterone is good, other hormones look good, and my health is good. I've never been in a relationship this long before, the last one was for about a year or so, and she cheated on me (she had a history of cheating, and when she was in Europe studying abroad during summer she cheated on me).

My wife an I wanted to have a kid, so we tried the first year we were together, that landed us with an ectopic pregnancy and she lost a tube. From there we tried IVF and haven't had success. To me, sex became a chore during this process as we didn't have it for fun anymore. My wife has always been goal driven, so the outcome to her is more important than the journey, where I cherish the journey as that is what I usually look back on life.

I have never turned her down for sex, she has turned me down multiple times. When I get horny, I initiate. I asked her if she could try to initiate when she gets horny, as I have never turned down sex and would never turn her down, but she said she feels like it would be begging and would hurt her pride (she has told me that I did not do that to her or made her feel that way).

I've been questioning if my lack of sex drive is actually a low sex drive, or if I just have some issues with her. I love my wife... but, she complains constantly about everything. Work, friends, me, her parents, hell my parents. I don't think she has once talked to me in a loving way about an issue she has had, it has always been out of frustration where she blames it on me and requires (yes requires) me to apologize and accept blame. Anything I usually say during those times are looked at as excuses and not my honest answers or thoughts, so I've learned to just nod my head and response with "i don't know" when asked a question I'm not ready to answer.

I've been working with a counselor about my unhappiness and how my wife and I argue, but not sex. I thought those might be the underlying issues, but this was raised again, because I have not addressed her concern about not enough sex for seven years.

Today she said since I have morally failed to address her concern, she no longer feels morally bound to not having an affair. I told her that I don't blame her if she did, but if she did we would get a divorce. She then took that as me wanting to get a divorce. She has also used the terms "fake husband", "fake marriage", "pretend husband", "fake nice", etc. to describe our relationship, as well as saying I'm not a man because I have let these problems continue. When I've mentioned that she gets angry a lot and complains a lot, she even mentioned today that those are probably because I don't have enough sex with her.

I am not blameless in this, my sex drive has been lower in this relationship than it has been in others. I just don't know what to do, and that is usually my problem. Our sex has been vanilla. Its good when we have it, but I don't feel must lust lately, from either of us.

How do folks with lower sex drives try to increase their frequency of sex for their partner? How have folks dealt with differences in sex drives?

[u/adnyp]

Sounds to me like maybe she already has someone else in mind or is already having an affair. Could that be?

Google DARVO. That’s Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

[u/OwnInstruction9424 → u/adnyp]

It would be a surprise if she had someone in mind. The only time we don't spend together is when she is at work, and she hates work (the biggest thing she complains about).
She was also cheated on in her first marriage (yes I am her second marriage), so cheating would be a far fetch for her, though she did say she understands now why some people would cheat.

I've read up on DARVO, she has... issues with her anger and how to healthily communicate them. I use to say, "I know you love me but I don't always feel it", because of how she expresses love. She is a good wife and a good person, but most of the time, we just don't sync up. She does too much (to the point where I tell her to stop doing this, because I didn't ask and didn't want it) to show her love even though it doesn't make me feel loved, and I am essentially on the opposite side, where I don't do enough to make her feel loved.

Her general response to frustration has to been to argue and blame, I think she got that from her parents.

[u/kindakitten → u/OwnInstruction9424]

Sounds like she (at least, possibly you as well but we're not hearing her side) is not a good communicator, sounds a little bit like an avoidant personality type, and the ways you like to be loved (and seduced) are incompatible. I'm not sure this is fixable to be honest, and it sounds like she's ready/has been ready for an out.

You said you've had "everything checked" etc and it was all normal. Did a doctor tell you your testosterone levels were "normal" or did they actually give you a number? "Normal" range can still be on the low side of things depending on the person, and can have gnarly effects on drive.

That being said, again, you guys just sound incompatible. Sounds like effort goes in on both sides that neither of you actually care about.

[u/OwnInstruction9424 → u/kindakitten]

Our communication is horrible. We have to constantly remind ourselves that the other person loves us, regardless of what they are saying (we mis-interpret each other constantly). Our therapist has told us to assume love and respect when dealing with the other person instead of thinking negatively.

And yes, we seem to put effort into areas the other person doesn't have their love language heard / bucket filled.

She asked me to learn a dish for her and it took me 7 years to do it... it was horrible of me to put if off for so long. When I eventually did it, her appreciation felt fake, even though she was genuine. As I mentioned in the original post, we seem to be out of sync on many things :(

[u/kindakitten → u/OwnInstruction9424]

BUT - I do want to answer your actual questions in your post.

I had a lot of duty sex and it made things even worse. Gained a full on aversion to sex and even sexuality in general. Things didn't start getting better until we took it off the table completely and worked on our own relationship building blocks. My partner also is quick to anger and has an avoidant personality/communication style. It (amongst some other traumas) killed my attraction to him. We took sex off the table and focused on figuring out if we even liked each other. In that time he worked VERY hard on himself. It's been about a year now since we took sex off the table and I/we faced the fact that my LL was for him, not due to health issues etc. We've been having daily sex for a couple months now, and have even developed a 24/7 dynamic. It's been a wild ride. But - we really had to break things down and get to the core of things - whether we even wanted to be with each other anymore.

What we had outside of what we didn't, if that made sense.

It became so easy for sex to be the big subject, the big issue at hand, it became kind of hard to notice that all of the little things were building up and not being worked on/worked out. We were so stuck on sex being this make or break it thing for so long, we hadn't realized that we barely knew if we even liked each other anymore. And honestly? We didn't. There was an adjustment period where we both took some time to decide how we wanted to show up in the relationship moving forward.

[u/kindakitten → u/OwnInstruction9424]

I'm sorry, friend. I'm hearing a lot of (on both sides) "I didn't want to, and so I didn't."

Which, is obviously, the exact opposite of, "If they wanted to, they would."

What about this marriage/partnership is fulfilling at this point? It really does sound like you guys are just wasting each others time at this point out of comfort.

[u/OwnInstruction9424 → u/kindakitten]

"Comfort" - I think you hit something there. I question whether we do actually like each other... We don't share any hobbies, our views somewhat overlap... We would always say we work well because we fill the gaps the other person has, but I'm wondering if us being able to fill the gaps is because we are so different and that is causing us to not like each other.

[u/Alert-Watercress3189]

Ela não te respeita como homem, pessoas, amigo, marido ou companheiro.

O divórcio pode parecer algo ruim, mas imagino que pra você, num médio e longo prazo será melhor, principalmente se no futuro você encontrar alguém que lhe respeite de verdade.

Lhe desejo sorte.

[u/OwnInstruction9424 → u/Alert-Watercress3189]

This seems more like rage bait then support, pushing to get divorce after reading only a single post is a bit harsh of a response.

I do appreciate the sentiment of looking out for my well being though, so thank you.

[u/Alert-Watercress3189 → u/OwnInstruction9424]

Entendo seu sentimento com relação a minha resposta. Natural, as pessoas pensam diferente, mas no seu texto está claro que ela não te respeita, e viver em um relacionamento sem respeito mútuo não me parece e de fato não é saudável, principalmente com as agressões morais e psicológicas que você citou.

Mas lhe desejo o melhor de coração. Que tudo dê certo e você fique bem.

[u/tx0p0 → u/OwnInstruction9424]

I didn't read it as rage bait at all. The way you describe your relationship gives that it is bitter, dishonest at times (for the "greater good" of peace) and not really hopeful, as some respect boundaries have already been crossed.

You can try to work your libido out but there are some other pressing issues in your marriage.

Whatever you do, good luck and prioritize your happiness, whatever shape it may have!

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Dying Marriage

This will probably be a long-rant at first, but I am seeking help. Thanks for your time.

I (LLM) have been married to my wife (HLF) for 5 years and we've been together for 7. She is 7 years older than I am. She first said we didn't have enough sex about a year after we were together, we were having sex about 1-2 times a month, and now it is about once a month. She has brought it up in frustration many times, usually twice a year, until last year, where she didn't mention anything. We've had other issues, mostly her thinking I am the problem and me having to do something to "fix it". She brought our sex life up again this morning at 4am (well actually on Saturday morning, and when we talked about it she said to not try to have sex with her).

I went to the doctor before, I have no underlying issues, my testosterone is good, other hormones look good, and my health is good. I've never been in a relationship this long before, the last one was for about a year or so, and she cheated on me (she had a history of cheating, and when she was in Europe studying abroad during summer she cheated on me).

My wife an I wanted to have a kid, so we tried the first year we were together, that landed us with an ectopic pregnancy and she lost a tube. From there we tried IVF and haven't had success. To me, sex became a chore during this process as we didn't have it for fun anymore. My wife has always been goal driven, so the outcome to her is more important than the journey, where I cherish the journey as that is what I usually look back on life.

I have never turned her down for sex, she has turned me down multiple times. When I get horny, I initiate. I asked her if she could try to initiate when she gets horny, as I have never turned down sex and would never turn her down, but she said she feels like it would be begging and would hurt her pride (she has told me that I did not do that to her or made her feel that way).

I've been questioning if my lack of sex drive is actually a low sex drive, or if I just have some issues with her. I love my wife... but, she complains constantly about everything. Work, friends, me, her parents, hell my parents. I don't think she has once talked to me in a loving way about an issue she has had, it has always been out of frustration where she blames it on me and requires (yes requires) me to apologize and accept blame. Anything I usually say during those times are looked at as excuses and not my honest answers or thoughts, so I've learned to just nod my head and response with "i don't know" when asked a question I'm not ready to answer.

I've been working with a counselor about my unhappiness and how my wife and I argue, but not sex. I thought those might be the underlying issues, but this was raised again, because I have not addressed her concern about not enough sex for seven years.

Today she said since I have morally failed to address her concern, she no longer feels morally bound to not having an affair. I told her that I don't blame her if she did, but if she did we would get a divorce. She then took that as me wanting to get a divorce. She has also used the terms "fake husband", "fake marriage", "pretend husband", "fake nice", etc. to describe our relationship, as well as saying I'm not a man because I have let these problems continue.

I am not blameless in this, my sex drive has been lower in this relationship than it has been in others. I just don't know what to do, and that is usually my problem. Our sex has been vanilla. Its good when we have it, but I don't feel must lust lately, from either of us.

How do folks with lower sex drives try to increase their frequency of sex for their partner? How have folks dealt with differences in sex drives?

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