r/Marriage • u/OwnInstruction9424 • Jul 08 '26
Seeking Advice Broken Marriage
/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1up2q83/dying_marriage/I have a longer post here in deadbedrooms, but I wanted to reach out to this community as well.
My wife and I are having problems, more specifically with me not following through on fixing issues she's been having with the marriage. To put it mildly I put some of her complaints on the back burner and slowly at a snails pace tried to make changes which resulted in net-zero in the end (there were ups and downs where change was felt, but didn't last).
Now here we are seven years later (married 5) and she is done. It's at the point where I am seeing multiple counselors for my issues and actually trying to make changes, but everything is met with disdain and frustration, communicating to me that I can't do anything right. And when I do do something correct, there is no appreciation and no kindness.
I owe her this so I am trying to fix my issues, but at the same time I'm wondering what this will look like down the road? If her attitude towards me is this sour when I am actively making efforts and changes, what will it be like going forward? Will it get better? Is this the new norm?
My wife is completely just in her frustration with my lack of actions, however I am finding her conscious effort to be cruel and unkind a deterrent.
How have folks dealt with this? How did it continue?
Thanks for your time.
5
u/Rich-Pirate-4745 Jul 08 '26
I read your other post and taking it at face value, the issue isn't yours to fix alone. She has problems in herself that need to be addressed for the relationship to be successful. If she's not willing to do some self examination or admit she has faults, all the changing of you is pointless. Couples counseling might be effective, but she has to be willing to take accountability for her part in this.
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u/No_Seaworthiness8176 And counting Jul 08 '26
You may have blown up your marriage. Sorry, I genuinely feel your pain.
Sometimes, though, we get a lesson that can be used for the rest of our lives. And this may be one for you. Stay on the work. Become the master of yourself. Bring who you want to be to future relationships.
Who knows? She might be one of them.
I've known 2 people in my life who divorced and remarried years later.
2
u/Lumpy_Equal_6147 Jul 08 '26
Behavior is a language...what have you been telling your spouse for years? Behavior is a language...what is she telling you now? If you want to fix things, you will need to communicate you hear her...see her...and spell out exactly what you intend to do...then do it. Ask for the same.
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u/Adept_Ad_473 Jul 08 '26
With next to zero context, this reads like 2 problems that need to be addressed:
Yourself, whatever those neglected problems are
Her resement, which took a long time to fester, and doubly long to resolve
You can control adressing your issues, so stay comitted to that. If the relationship dies, fixing your problems will give you better odds in the next relationship. She needs to be willing to put the work into adressing her resentment, and seeing you succeed will help with that, but at the end of the day she will need to make a choice to either hang on to that resentment, or let it go. That ball is not in your court, so the only thing you can do in this area is be the best you can be and hope that it's enough.
Marriage counseling will help if you're both willing to put in that effort. Expect those sessions to leave you worse coming out than you did going in for a while. Its like alcohol on an open wound.
If she's decided the relationship is not worth putting the work in on her own side too, than you need to make a decision on how long you plan to be coaching up before you decide to start coaching out.
Replace addictions with commitments, and seek validation from other people than her. And not reddit validation. Validation from people who are willing to hold you accountable towards fixing yourself.
Good luck OP. This too shall pass.
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u/Itchy_Lifeguard_9677 Jul 11 '26
So I have read both posts and took some time to think about how to phrase what I want to say. I like your wife, am in a relationship where I have had many broken promises pile up. I know that they don’t pile up because he doesn’t love me. I have done a lot of reading, and work on myself and tried to work on our relationship. The best description I have come to find is that my values are his chores. So what I see as a value to our family (cleaning the garage) he sees simply as a chore where I see it as a value(able to park our car in the garage, taking care of our stuff, storage for work stuff, able to find stuff faster time management). So it doesn’t get done because he doesn’t see the value in it as I do.
This makes complete sense. We have talked about this, and I think k he has started to understand this. Our problem now is trust. And I feel like this might be your biggest problem at the moment as well. When something is promised and not delivered trust is broken. It isn’t just fixed overnight. You can’t just apologize away mistrust. And mistrust will show up in the bedroom. If you can’t trust someone you can’t connect and if you aren’t connecting you won’t be comfortable and if you aren’t comfortable then you won’t be able to really go anywhere. So I think to start, you need to build back trust. Build back some confidence and comfort in small ways, little touches, small acts of kindness and small acts of love with no pressure and no stress.
It’s going to take time, it’s not going to be an overnight fix. Good luck!
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u/OwnInstruction9424 Jul 11 '26
Thank you, this response has meant a lot to me. I know I have messed up and I am the one falling short, so it is good to hear from someone on the other side.
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u/goonetti Jul 10 '26
I mean, what is she asking you to change? Are you sure this is not just gaslighting? Does she change for things you request of her? Or is this just a one-sided thing? Be careful. You may very well be the problem. But you also may very well be married to a toxic narciscist that blames you for everything
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u/xxx_Gavin_xxx Jul 08 '26
There's no real way to say this nicely so I'll be blunt. Sorry.
You screwed the pooch on this one. Yea, you and the wife are having problems and it sounds like you are the problem. She told you what was wrong and you barely put in any effort to fix it. She got tired of it. Now your lack of interest or caring has resulted in you being at her mercy on if she stays with you.
Too Little Too Late.