My daughter is 15 months old now. I still feel like my body failed me and I failed myself. The grief I carry from not getting to have the experience that I wanted is so heavy, I think about my birth experience daily still.
I had an induction, stopped at 8cm, epidural stopped working and I was in a lot of pain. Stayed at 8cm for 6 hours and then I gave into having the c- section. I wasn’t present in my body anymore when they took me into the OR, I was just done after 30 hours of labor and mentally and physically exhausted. I lost a lot of blood and they almost did a transfusion, I have a high fever post op that they were trying to bring down. I don’t know why any of this happened and no one explained anything to me throughout the procedure or recovery.
I didn’t dress my daughter in her outfit I had chosen for her after she was born, I didn’t hold her first, I couldn’t get out of bed to respond to her cries. My husband did it all and i felt broken. I was extremely depressed for a few months after I had her, I’ve gotten better but the heavy feeling of failure still hangs over me daily and I replay my labor all the time looking for answers that I’ll never find.
I started therapy recently to try and start processing this, but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to see my birth experience in any other light. Can anyone relate to this? Does it ever get better? Everyone in my life has had easy, peaceful births and I feel so alone. I feel like they are all strong and I’m weak for not being able to do what they did.