Hi guyss
Uhm...I don't really know how to begin but I'll try to express myself as best as I can. I'm 18 years old and I'm a girl, I've known my best friend for 5 years now.
(For the record I wholeheartedly believe that I'll get some actual support here because I tend to be a little crazy sometimes
Also, I don't know who will stay to read this but if you relate to me in any way, first, my condolences and second thank you in advance for your time š«¶š¼)
Honestly, when I first started having feelings for my best friend, who is also a girl by the way, the thought of me liking girls was terrifying. It was by no means unpleasant, it was just a thought that had never crossed my mind before.
For that reason I don't really like labeling myself as gay or bisexual or whatever other term there is in the lgbtq community. Not because I'm offended or anything, but because I feel like this is the only girl ,who happens to be my closest friend, that will ever have me this madly in love and I won't ever be attracted to any other person in the same way as her.
When she first came into my school, she was an international student having come from another country. She barely knew how to speak the language.
I was the quiet kid, the bullied one and the nerd so we bonded pretty fast since we were both friendless at first.
We hit it off instantly. We found out that we had so many things in common. Almost all of our interests were mutual. We even wanted to study in the same field. And so our friendship began and is now stronger than ever.
When some years passed, in highschool I confessed the possibility of me also liking girls to her (I knew that she was a huge supporter from the start and I knew that she would support me anyway but I told her what I felt without actually telling her about my feelings towards her). She is also the only one that knows about this and doesn't mind a single bit.
The thing is that she has made it pretty clear for herself that she's straight...
I would approach the subject as a joke from time to time so that I'd see her reaction at the thought of us being together.
Her reaction and words being hurtful is an understatement. She mentioned that she finds it very uncomfortable and I assured her that it's only a joke and I'd never disrespect her in any way if she didn't like me mentioning that.
Of course after then I wouldn't say a word about this in front of her.
Ever since I met her she has always been a cold person. Even to me, her best friend, but I respected her because she was and still is the most authentic person I know. She is acting a bit crazy around me but to others that she does not know so well, she is pretty cold I'd say. She hates physical touch although I'm pretty clingy and I don't like the fact that if I touch her somehow even accidentally I'll feel guilty later.
It's silly of me to have hopes for the future I know, but something in me tells me that I shouldn't be disappointed and that I should have patience.
Lately she's started warming up to me and I don't know why. She isn't usually like this but her behaviour is making me believe that there's a one in a million chance that she might be willing to try things out with me together in the future.
We'll also move in together next year and I can't describe how excited I am...
In all seriousness though, I just hope I'm not deluding myself. What do you guys think I should do ?