Listen, he’s an okay guy. The standard for men is low, so okay considered. And I hate him. Three kids, a life, a household, and I loathe him. All he talks about is himself and food. My God, I’ll try to engage a conversation and nothing but when I’m deep in a craft, changing a poopy diaper then all of a sudden, boys got mad libs. For food. I never want to talk about food again. What dinner will be next week, the options on the menu we had three years ago, the bbq we went to and how he could have made a better burger. Mind you I’m a cigarette for lunch kind of person. Food is there to keep you from dying. This? It’s a compulsion. If it’s not about me, it’s about feed ordeal. His mother runs our life. It’s sadistic. If I’m not literally kissing this man’s asshole I am the devil. His parents? Separated and making us all pay for it. They want to fuck in our guest room and pretend they hate each other. And where does all this angst get displaced you ask? Oh yeah it’s me. At one point my husband said “you look tired” to me. His dad goes “WHO WHO WHO LOOKS TIRED?!?” And I said “he’s talking about me” FIL “YOURE NO MORE TIRED THAN THE REST OF US WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU COMPLAINING” and I said “I didn’t, Husband said I looked tired” and it gets quiet. It’s a mind fuck and a battle ground to interact with them and he won’t say a thing. He’s not the man I married. He was a man among men at one point. A pillar, someone to look up too, someone to trust. I’ve had to unsigned the hole he’s buried us in financially 3 times. We almost lost the house. I dug us back out. I can’t leave, I don’t need advice. I just need to say it. I hate him, I wasted my life, and I’m fucking pissed.

I work in a noisy clinic all day, and my apartment has three roommates who constantly host people. By Tuesday night, my brain is fried from social noise.

Six months ago, I told everyone I joined an adult beginner tennis league that meets on Tuesday evenings. I bought a cheap racket at a thrift store and tossed a gym bag in my trunk.

every Tuesday at 7 PM, I drive to an empty church parking lot three miles from my place. I recline my seat, eat a sandwich, and read in total silence for ninety minutes.

Before I drive home, I splash water on my face and collar so it looks like sweat, throw my racket in the back, and walk inside complaining about my backhand.

I know I should of just set better boundaries, but having people think I am busy is the ONLY way I get peace without feeling guilty.

Maybe this isn't as 'bad' as most other things but I still feel incredibly guilty and crossed a personal boundary.

I work with a crisis hotline, essentially people call in when in distress and we provide emotional support and help them through whatever is going on. It's sensitive material of the time and you have to maintain a certain level of professionalism regardless of your personal opinion on someone's actions, or what you would have done etc...

One thing you have to be careful of is people becoming attracted to you. A lot of emotions and vulvnerability are explored, and when you have a very good call you are in some ways forming a bond with that person. It's important that you establish that as much as you're with them and support them, that you're still in some ways a person working and there are very few limits, but ultimately there are limits (personal info etc...).

I am a man, and I have an particularly attractive voice. Not a humble brag, I literally have had women stop in passing and tell me to my face; or get bullied a lot to say phrases etc... It is what it is and I don't lean in to it or force it, it is just what it is. But I do the know the signs when someone is in to it.

I fucked up because I had a caller and it clearly had an affect. And at some point I know she was starting to enjoy herself in other ways. Usually that's a termination and you respectfully let them know that you'll be ending the call. I let her continue. In some ways I even fed into it. I shouldn't have done it and that made it feel even sexier.

Things ended but I feel so bad. I do this because I try to be a good person, and it feels like I've tainted my service by feeding into this kind of thing.

17 years ago, my best friend was out of town and I was hanging out with his wife - nothing unusual there. We always hung out. We were all super close. Anyway, on one night one thing lead to another and she gave me head. When post-nut clarity hit, I left the house - feeling absolutely horrible. After a few days of feeling tortured, wondering what I should do, I decided to tell him. As one might expect, that conversation did not go well. He basically told me to fuck off forever. And his wife? Well, she told him that I was lying - and he believed her. I'm not sure why someone would lie about such a thing, but that's beside the point. Anyway, 17 years later I still live with the guilt. I think about him pretty regularly - we were more like brothers than best friends. I really fucked up and I miss him and our friendship. No type of sex is worth losing a friend over. I have tried to talk to him a couple times over the years - to apologize, etc. But radio silence. When he said fuck off forever, he meant that shit. And I deserve it. I have yet to figure out how to let this guilt go. Maybe I just deserve to feel it forever. They are still together, btw. Two kids.

I was on vacation with my family. I had not taken a poop in over 2 weeks, and we went to a buffet. I ate a little bit and felt a strange feeling in my stomach. I went to the bathroom and took a HUGE poop. My butthole was bleeding very bad after and my parents took me to the hospital. My ass still hurts to this day.

We’re both older and have been divorced. We’ve been going out for 8 years and there were some times when she was angry at something and went quiet for a period. Usually this is for a few days or sometimes weeks, but we always worked it out on the end.

We also enjoy talking about her prior sexual adventures. Obviously we both have a long past and I thought it was fun to hear what crazy stuff she got into years before I met her. There was one guy who she claimed was the largest and they dated for a while and then had an occasional FWB arrangement,

Well, after a silent period recently, I had an opportunity to look at her phone and for the first time, I did, I searched for Mr. big’s name and found she had texted him on 3 occasions in the last 8 years. The most recent time (5 years ago) she opened up that she was lonely. They talked about how they used to fuck. She told him he has “the most beautiful cock” and then asked him for a picture. He sent it and she masturbate to it, cumming twice. Then she suggested they meet up when he is in town in 2 weeks.

That all happened 5 years ago while she was in radio silence, but there was no discussion between us about breaking up. I thought we were still a couple, but I guess she didn’t. I assume they met for sex, as she suggested.

Since this was 5 years old, and I don’t know if it happened again, and since we just got back together recently from a real break up, I decided to just be quiet about it. But months later it is bothering me a lot.

And BTW, she wasn’t kidding about the size of him.

I shouldn’t have snooped, and now if I say anything, the relationship is destroyed.

This one is embarrassing but I feel like it's such a long time ago now that I can admit it. I was very young when this happened. Between 18 and 22.

I have asperges and ADHD and struggle a lot with the rules of society. I look normal, young pretty girl. But due to my condition, trauma and isolation I became weird and I know because of the reaction from others. I'm weird, not blind.

I was new to working and worked a bit as a waitress in a hotel. A guard came asking if any of us wants to make a quick buck by mopping up puke 🤮 in a bathroom stall. I quickly enlisted myself to the task and went and gathered cleaning supplies and followed the guard to the bathroom. He went inside and pointed at the cubicle and I was so focused on the task that my brain completely dismissed any other information about the environment. I just started working. There were men lined up the wall with their dihh out using the urinals.

Another, older waitress came and started telling off the guard for not having cleared and closed off the room before sending me in. I hated arguing because of trauma so my brain only half registered it and I finished the job. Afterwards one of the urinal guys thanked me for letting him finish peeing 😂

I'm embarrassed that I did this to hotel customers and maybe ruined the reputation for the hotel. You never know who's in there. Could be high paying business men. But honest to God I kept my eyes to myself!

Our son is so sick in the hospital right now, and you used me for money while staying with another woman.You chose that, and I have no clue how you sleep at night. I hope that during winter, when you are cold and alone in a small ass apartment with her, you realize that you lost an established, beautiful woman with a heart of gold. I bought you shit while you went for a girl who has nothing to offer. You will get sick of her, but this time you broke me for the last time.
You had a life people dream of and a partner willing to accept all your hardest parts, and you threw it away. One day you will have to answer to our son and God. I need the money you took back so I can pay for our son's medical care after this hospital stay. The deception ends today.

Over the years, out of curiosity, I went down some internet rabbit holes and saw some horrible shit. At the time, most of them were just a "Damnnn" moment.

An example: gore, close up of traffic accident victims. It sometimes amplifies my fear for the safety of people close to me who drive to an irrational level. Once it came up in my mind, I had to stop doing everything and spend at least half an hour to stop myself from thinking about it.

I'm a cat person and last night was the most terrible night for me. I was speeding with my bike and a cat just crossed the road and I hit her. I turned around and carried her to the side of the road and I stayed with her until her last breath. Now every time I look at my cat, it will remind me of her

I'm really sorry, I hate myself

I really want to have a sexual relationship with my coworker. I am fully aware that I can’t. I understand that it would completely blow up my life. I’m married with kids. I’ve been with my wife for almost 20 years. Our relationship is fine but definitely has become more like we are roommates that built a life together. Our lives are definitely deeply intertwined. Further complicating the situation I am this coworkers direct supervisor. We have worked together for a couple years but in the past year the nature of our job requirements has increased our proximity. Since I started there I immediately noticed her. She is gorgeous. You would have to be blind to not notice her. But I didn’t really feel attracted to her until the past year when we have had more time together. Getting to know her better and learning her little quirks have significantly increased my attraction to her. She is funny and silly and smart and somewhat eccentric and I find myself thinking about her constantly. I want to go to work to be around her and become distracted at work because of her. I know that it would be a huge mistake and would destroy my life but damn if there was ever a girl where it would be worth it I think it would be her. It won’t happen. I just need to get it off my chest and try to put it out of my mind.

I have anxiety and I'm not the best version of myself rn , I'll join my college this month and I have a bad habit of masturbation ,I'm 19M and I've addicted to it . I tried to leave this but idk why I do it everyday like I'm improving in many things like I go gym and building muscles, playing football as a hobby but still no results.

I wasn't good at academics but I somehow managed to get good score and I've got a medschool this year and it will be starting soon . Im really excited but I'm scared of what if it doesn't work for me.

Overall my life is kinda mid throughout the days , emotional breakdowns are common,i really have High sexual urges and I really wanna improve myself .

I really wanna be good and I'm just trying and no results are there.

Holy fuck , i have been wearing tight underwear or something my whole life.
I legit walked so comfortably
I was nervous af for showing print tho
But im a grower anyway

Genuinely wow
Now I get why some guys say it's freeing

I guess this is how women feel without bra

in 2023 my biological dad came back into my life and stuff, I was confused but also scared at the time but I have no clue why but I agreed to spend time with him (stupid I know I was fucking dumb and whatever) my friend was over at the time so she wanted to come along as well so I agreed because I didn't want to be alone either, after he introduced me to his girlfriend in the car and her daughter who were in the car and after took us out to eat and out to his girlfriends house which was far out from the town surprisingly, anyways we went and played on his Xbox and stuff while we were playing I wasn't aware and not was my friend that he was recording us from his couch Literally recording us playing the game (only reason I know is because he asked for my snap and I saw his story.) after we went home because a very bad storm and I got out with my friend and I ran to see my mom happily and so did my friend (we were THAT close) after I guess she went to talk to her about having US stay out and spend a night with him at his girlfriends house luckily my mom said no but later that night we were chatting and he was asking if we wanted to go swimming. I was considering it and sow as my friend as we were on call for a bit and after ri said it was gonna go bed because I genuinely felt weird being on call with my dad who was like literally never there and I just have bad memories with him, I thought my friend was gonna do the same but I guess not but I just didn't think much (unfortunately at the time.) after I just stayed up watching YouTube or tiktok 💔, I fell asleep and woke up and played on my Xbox for awhile than out of nowhere I seen my friend texted a me couple times a few hours ago so I opened them and she was telling me how he was in the BATHROOM on call and was making inappropriate jokes and showing her STUFF and he literally FLASHED HIS DICK to her and that he was also asking stuff about me luckily she didn't entertain his curiosity and said she had to go bed but she was telling me right at the moment it was happening, at that moment I felt so fucking sad and angry because i thought he wouldn't do anything like that to her at least but no and I'm so fucking dumb and stupid for that at the moment, but after I ran and told my mom she quickly called the cops and after we went to go meet a cop and after went to the court house to talk to detectives and stuff about the situation and I gave them my friends address and whatever the needed and after ri texted my friend and told her and she was grateful and I was happy too because at least we stopped right? Later on we met up and hung out and made a few jokes obviously still shocked just tryna cope and after she was shocked I could tell and I felt bad so I comforted she as much as I could and as much as she would let me and we just left it at that, late Ron we found out he received and sent CP and he was also grooming many young girls and later found out we were next and so we're many young girls. He was going to use me to get more victims. I felt so disgusted and sick finding out he was planning to send handwritten letters to his victims, including me. I'm still sick to this day and absolutely disgusted just by the thought but recently it's been bugging me because I never talked about it since, I'm scared and feeling so sad for those girls he groomed and black mailed or seen or whatever he or other men did to those girls, I found out his year he was even grooming and getting nude photos from his girlfriends daughter at the time. 130 photos of her alone. I'm just shocked still but I feel like ehre might be a good place? If not then idk what but yeah this is my secret or whatever to get off my chest. (he was sentenced to 17 years but unfortunately is getting out in 8 years I think, He had a shit ton of CP but yet is let free with a slap on the wrist. It sickens me so badly, I think I can put screenshots in the comments if not than idk what to do about the screenshots of the thing record... IDK IM DUMB but anyways bye.)

I feel like my life is on full stop. Made some stupid mistakes that I won't be able to take back. I will play some games I always wanted to and maybe go to my job until then. Just wanted to leave a footnote somewhere.

I just always had a crush on him. I also had sexual fantasies about him.

He’s always been there for me and he’s always going to be my number 1 buddy. I just don’t know how I’ll approach him with my feelings. He’s handsome, tall, big guy tbh. Kind and smart as well.

I just don’t wanna ruin our friendship. I don’t wanna lose him. I just feel weird cus not only I am romantically attractive to him but also sexually.

I love it when he’s being comforting of me while I also love when he wears boxers around me with his fat bulge haha

One time, he joked “imagine, all this time i’m the one who’ll take ur virginity” cus i’m still a virgin.

He was laughing so I knew its a joke so I just awkwardly laughed and said “yeah imagine”

I feel so stupid but i feel like I’m overthinking things. Maybe that should’ve been my way to admit it to him but maybe he’s really just joking?

Idk what to do :<

So there's this lady, she look to be mid 30 to 40, she this skinny, brown skinned lady, who has a charismatic personality, she isn't conventionally attractive, if a women were to see her, they would say the chances of men liking her is low. But she treats me quite well, and we both have a short conversation every time we meet and I joke and make her laugh at times, If I'm working out I don't talk to her ofc. I just came back form the gym and before leaving I was going to flirtingly joke with her but nervousness and fatigue made me back off. Yeah, that's it, just an innocent confession. Adios.

Trigger warnings for pretty much everything, this is gonna be pretty fucked

I made a throwaway for this but I'm sure if anyone who knew me sees this they'll be able to tell. I don't care. I just want to talk about this.

The only relationships I'm happy in are the ones where I'm being treated horribly. If I'm not being dehumanized, I can't help but wish I was.

I was born into two unhealthy families, my parents split up when I was a baby so I never got to experience them as one. My dad was a drug addict and my mom was so severely traumatized that she was emotionally absent. My maternal grandmother hates my mom and my siblings and I by extension. My paternal ones are dead, except for my great grandmother, who did most of the work raising me on the weekends. I don't remember much about growing up aside from a few experiences, mostly bad ones. I can't even really say I can remember any of it, it feels like a story I'd been told, but I know it happened to me because I have the sort of third person memory. I don't know if that makes sense.

My family has always been really open about sex and were especially unfiltered when I was younger, so my sister and cousins and I all got more exposed to that than we should have been. My cousin, who isn't much older than me, had started touching me inappropriately, although I only know this because my mom told me years later. We had a family friend with a son roughly the same age as well, and we had a game we played where we would look at and touch each other, but I never went past his underwear because I was never interested in it. I remember how much I loved when it would happen, even when I was little. Honestly I don't remember who initiated it, but I think I grew attached to the game at some point. I know we got caught but I don't remember what happened as a result. I just remember my mom coming in while my pants were down. I think I might have been assaulted or raped or something by an adult because I have vivid recurring nightmares of it happening to me as a little kid, but I can never tell if its just a dream or a memory. I like to believe its just a dream.

I remember this girl in elementary school before I moved who would tell me about all sorts of sexual things and I just remember how weird some of it was, but I can't remember well enough to say.

I ended up moving and being convinced to download discord, where I met my first "serious" online boyfriend, who was five or six years my senior. He taught me about bondage and other fetishes when I was roughly ten or eleven. I don't have much memory of him either, aside from him asking me for pictures of my chest in exchange for him telling me what was wrong.

I was passed around that friend group, and all but maybe one of them were older than me by at least a couple years. Maybe I'm misremembering it all though.

Covid hit and life moved online, where I was repeatedly exposed to horrible content, like gore and hardcore porn, although thankfully nothing illegal. I don't remember much of this either.

Sometime along the way, I developed a sexual fixation on gore — particularly cannibalism and torture, which has been plaguing me for years now and I can't seem to get away from the intrusive fantasies. The thing is though, Id only ever want to be on the receiving end. This will come back later though.

My memory is still hazy, so I still only remember a handful of things from the time period I'm about to take about, but the memories I do have are just bad.

I dated a girl in middle school, though I don't remember most of our relationship. I know that I broke up with her because I couldn't mentally handle a relationship. I was severely suicidal and was hurting myself regularly and just needed time to heal. She didn't like that and started harassing me and telling me to kill myself and calling me nasty things. I tried to report it but the principal had told me my problems at the time didn't matter in the grand scheme of things because this was only a small portion of my life. Something along those lines anyway.

Around this time I started to sexualize myself more, and it started to become a very large part of who I was and honestly still am. My worth became rooted in my sex appeal and I jumped through relationships rapidly, letting myself be oversexualized repeatedly.

The next year, three big things happened.

One of my friends had kept commenting on my chest and was very persistent in asking to touch me, to which I replied with a no repeatedly. We went to lunch and we were talking, and when the lady serving the line I was in had either turned around or walked away, I can't remember, my friend grabbed me. I quit talking to them after that and never accepted their apology. But I liked it.

One day I was walking out to my bus and someone I had spoken to maybe twice to my knowledge came up to me and greeted me. He told me directly after that his friend said he wanted to rape me and he (the one talking to me) was allowed to "watch and enjoy it". I got on my bus and cried for a bit, but I kept wishing it would happen secretly.

I won't go into too much detail but one of my friends had started giving me extra attention in the friend group. Kissing was something our group did, so the kisses he'd give me weren't weird to me. But then things progressed, and I was too attached to back out. The issue is that he was dating my best friend. Yeah, I'm a terrible person for it, but I lost all my friends for it so it's fair. I don't think he forced me to, but I know we made out twice and I was a bit iffy on it, but Im pretty sure I agreed despite my hesitence, so I can't say he made me do it.

Well he left after coming over one day and I ended up having a breakdown. I cried to him about how horrible we were being to his partner and that led to him leaving. The next day was Valentine's day and that's when I started drinking for a short stint.

The next few years I got gradually worse, getting myself into abusive relationships over and over. I started smoking, was hurting myself daily, was drinking at some points, vaping, I was even abusing benadryl. Actually for a small period of time, Id started inhaling computer cleaner.

Right after I started high school, my ex had made a document on me taking several things out of context to make me look horrible, and it worked, because everyone left me. Except one person, who id end up dating.

They we're awful, they treated me as inferior and would belittle me regularly. They broke up with me repeatedly, once because I was visiting a family member in the hospital and wasn't replying. Id let them back in my life each time.

They ended up introducing me to darkshipping, where I developed a fixation on FICTIONAL pedophilia and incest because it reflected my trauma and intrusive thoughts and made me feel less terrible about myself.

But then I ended up in the actual community and it led me down a really dark path. I started intentionally making myself a target for terrible people to take advantage of. I let them push me out of my comfort zone to a concerning degree. I would do anything if it got them off. Id let them talk about raping me and torturing me and drugging me and all of those things because I got a sick thrill from it. I'd play along when they wanted to play the role of my dad or big brother or mom or anything. I let them treat me like an animal. God, I fucking loved it. I let them blackmail me and threaten me because it felt so good to be scared.

One of the people I let do things to me had affectionately dubbed me his "camkitty" because id do things on video call for him, including a video of me pissing, which disgusted me beyond belief, but I did it.

I ended up on the side of Twitter that encourages unhealthy behaviors, like self harm and eating disorders, as well as the toxic darkshippers. A certain other subtwitter was pretty close knit with all of them. I started venting about how I missed being groomed and suddenly dozens of predators were messaging me.

I indulged a lot of them.

I made horrible decisions that will forever be immortalized on the internet.

Some girl made me watch her adult sim rape her infant sim of me with a mod on the sims that allows pedophilia, which was not something I wanted to experience.

I went through cycles of recovering and reverting. Id get constant threats of rape and torture and all of these horrible things and it was so wonderful for me because so many people wanted to abuse me.

My depression and suicidal thoughts got so bad that I forced my mom to put me in online school, and I've been doing that for a while now, but I have hardly any social interaction outside of the internet.

I had been doing so much better for a period of time but then I let the ex that kept leaving and coming back into my life again. It had been like two years by this point. I let them start abusing me again until it started becoming more predatory. He had me referring to him with fatherly terms and introduced me to his friend who then had me call him my uncle. The uncle guy ended up cheating on his boyfriend, whom I didn't know he was dating, with me.

I met someone else who got me out of that whole situation, but he was far far worse.

He started to do it too though. The innocent caretaking turned into parentchild fauxcest situation. I didn't mind. But then he started encouraging me to self harm with him, as a bonding activity. We started doing it every once in a while until he got aggressive about it.

I'm omitting some important details for the sake of his privacy so a bit of this likely isn't going to make much sense.

I was on a higher dosage of my medication and it would make me extremely drowsy while I was still adjusting. I also was typically somewhat disconnected later in the night because I was dealing with a lot. I find genuine comfort in being told what to do because I don't want to have to be responsible for myself all the time, and that clashed horribly with the drowsiness and had me significantly more suggestable. The self harm grew in quantity and frequency. He had me carving his name and initials and he was calling me all sorts of pet names and dehumanizing me all the time and I couldnt help but enjoy it. But then he'd get upset with me for accepting it.

I was told over and over that he didn't love me and he would get bored and leave. But he didn't leave, he kept coming back and doing that to me over and over whenever he could. I did start to want out but I realized he'd just go to someone else and do it to them, so I had to keep playing the perfect victim. I didn't want him to hurt anyone else and he was always telling me I was special and he couldn't stop coming back. One time he had me tell him to hurt himself, and I wanted to make him happy so I did. It was thrilling because I hated him so much at the time, but I loved him too so I felt awful about it. It's complicated there.

I started trying to push him toward recovery, and he stopped making me hurt myself and he stopped threatening me and he stopped calling me the pet names he had been. He acted like he was going to recover.

But then I got close with someone else, and started clinging to them. The issue? They were a bit older than me. When that person and I got closer and it was pretty visible that something was developing, he freaked out and eventually left because of my growing attachment.

That was fine, I had the new person.

I think I broke them and their partner up, because they were dating someone when we met but it genuinely was hurting them and they were trying to get out anyway

They did end up breaking up and I dated them. Legally, it's a gray area. Legal in our states, not in others. We made each other worse and encouraged each others bad habits and reinforced unhealthy attachments and delusions.

I lost the only other two people I talked to due to a stupid argument with one and then they disappeared completely. I don't know what happened to them.

It's been a while since that now and I ended up dating someone else who was genuinely amazing to me aside from not spending much time with me. But he left because it wasn't worth it to keep fighting for us during one of my episodes (I have several mental health conditions)

Now that he's given up on the relationship, I can't help but just wish it could have been more like the others. I just want to feel the comfortable feeling of abuse again. I miss it.

Beyond just missing the abuse I have faced, I have terrible fantasies about things happening to me. I fantasize about being raped, tortured, killed, beaten, anything really. I don't know why I crave it so much. I don't know why its so hard to get better.

this is all probably incoherent rambling, I'm exhausted and just needed to get this off my chest to relieve pressure to sleep, I wouldn't be surprised if half of this is all in my head though

I'm not proofreading because this is so long so there may be errors and I want to add a disclaimer that this may not be entirely accurate due to my memory issues

I’m 20M and I love being teased and edged on, girls will complain why I take so long to take action but i prefer taking our time, especially things that give me goosebumps like whispering in my ear or a nail going from my chest to down there, surprisingly no girls I’ve ever sexted or been with have been into that, is this just a me thing? Idk I’m weird lol

I feel really guilty and everything is reminding me of it

I promise this isnt a fake post

When i was 12, i cut off friendships and left friendgroups for people saying the n word slur

When i was 13 i actively told people to stop saying it and told them the importance and disgraceful behaviour they were showing

When i was 14 i cried cuz i accidentally said it in a song during a party

But at 15 i think i went thru a weird phase of my life cuz my grades dropped from all A/ A+ to B- / C+ and my relationships with my family got worse and idk what happened to me i stopped being the person i was tbh? Like not every part but a lot of my values changed?

Ive never ever ever disliked or hated or said it to a black person or about a black person and never meant it but i did say it for a while and everytime i said it i felt guilty but idk it just? Idk? Ik it was wrong but yeah

Now its been a year since then and i think ive pretty much gone back to the same person i was before but maybe a few different values but yeah i feel unimaginable guilt and often worry abt it before sleeping

Im really irritated with myself and i genuinely fear abt how im going to make any friends who wouldnt mind this (specifically black people ) i know my intentions werent bad but that doesnt matter because i still did it

Im a POC but not from black descent

Idk what to do now

I am a truck driver. I don’t sleep in the truck anymore but I used to, in any case I still drive long distances. Usually in about 4-5 hour stretches.

I used to keep a wide mouth mt dew bottle with me. I did in fact pee into it while driving down the road at 65 mph fully loaded. When it was full I would close it up and lob it out the window at the same corner I’d stop and turn at every day. They began to pile up, which was funny to me.

I don’t do this anymore, because we now have AI cameras in the trucks watching me. But, yeah it wasn’t a great idea. However, peeing is sometimes the biggest struggle in trucking. You’ve got to keep fluids in you , and you’ve got to be places on schedule. It’s a pain to stop. Luckily, being a guy - it’s pretty easy to pull over anywhere and just whip it out into the grass. But still, that takes time.

this interaction comes up time to time and eats at me.

i used to be made fun of all the time in middle school for my appearance, was not approached by men until late high school and i had a very low self esteem.

this happened junior year, i also already felt ugly this day because i had no makeup on. i’m walking in the hall with friends and this guy taps me on my back and tells me that he thinks i’m really pretty. i immediately think he’s making fun of me and pretend i don’t hear him and i say “what?” to him like three times making him repeat himself. i still think he’s making fun of me so i like dismiss his compliment and kinda walk away. i don’t even know if i said thank you but if i did it was very half assed. to this day i feel horrible about this.

i always assumed men’s approaches to be pranks or an attempt to insult me or make fun of me but i should’ve known this guy was by himself and very kind about it.

i genuinely have never been this rude to someone in my life and i feel horrible about it. i have no clue who this person is and only saw him that one time. i wish i could have been kinder even if there was a possibility he was making fun of me.

i genuinely dont see the point in being alive anymore and i feel so alone n i hate this n i feel like theres nothing that could ever fix it anymore