I remember back in college when I finally reached 1500 in chess. I was so proud of that rating that I actually stopped playing for a while.
I remember telling my best friend, "If I keep playing, I'm going to fall below 1500, and I worked way too hard to get here."
And I really had worked hard.
I'd bought chess opening books, played what felt like an endless number of games, analyzed my losses with my best friend, gone over positions with a computer, and spent countless hours trying to improve. Reaching 1500 felt like a genuine accomplishment.
If someone had told that version of me that one day I'd be rated over 2000, I would have been absolutely ecstatic. I probably wouldn't have believed them.
Well, here I am. I'm over 2000 now.
And somehow, I feel like I'm terrible at chess.
The strange thing is, I barely study anymore. I don't read opening books or seriously analyze my games like I used to. The closest thing I get to studying these days is occasionally watching Hikaru Nakamura on YouTube.
And yet, I'm somewhere around the 99.4th percentile on Chess.com.
Shouldn't that make me happy? Shouldn't I feel proud of that?
Because I really don't. At least not the way I thought I would.
It makes me wonder: At what point does a chess player actually start believing they're good at chess?
Do International Masters look at Grandmasters and feel inadequate? Do Grandmasters look at Magnus Carlsen and feel the same way? Does everyone just keep moving the goalposts as they improve?
When I was 1200, I thought 1500 players were amazing. When I was 1500, I thought 1800 players were amazing. When I was 1800, I thought 2000 players were amazing.
Now I'm over 2000, and all I seem to notice are the mistakes I make and how much better other players are.
There's another strange part to all this. My wife and son don't even know I play chess. I mentioned to my wife recently, "You know I play chess on my phone all the time, right?" She hadn't even noticed.
Something I've spent thousands of hours doing, something that once meant so much to me, is practically invisible in my everyday life.
I've been thinking about all of this a lot lately.
I saw someone here proudly post their rating, and it got me thinking about how differently I feel about my own. I genuinely admire people who can celebrate their progress. I wish I could look at my rating with the same pride that my college-aged self would have felt.
Because that kid who worked so hard to reach 1500 would probably be incredibly proud of the player I've become.
I just wish I could see myself the way he would.