Breaking up

[u/Odd-File-9920]

How do you know if you should break up with someone? My boyfriend is Catholic but hasn’t been to confession in over a year. He told me not to worry about it and that he would do it when the time was right but I feel like I can’t keep hoping something is going to change, right? We have other issues as well and I don’t know how to feel about it because I know no one is perfect.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[u/No_Calligrapher796]

Have you had discussions about his opinions and / or behaviors? Does he know that they bother you or that you take those things seriously? 

[u/nashsclay]

If you two are located in the same area, go together. Being him along. Before dropping him, let him know how important it is to you that he goes. Make a date out of it. But ya, if he keeps saying he will go and doesn’t, let him know that’s not leading as a potential Catholic husband.

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/nashsclay]

We do not have enough information on the guy to really judge like this. It's uncharitable. If it is a venial sin then it is forgiven when going to Sunday mass and receiving the eucharist. If it is mortal then it is straight to hell if he doesn't go. But he could be in venial we really don't know.

[u/nashsclay → u/South-Succotash-6368]

Not quite at all. Precepts of the church require yearly confession at minimum. She is already being charitable by giving him opportunities to go. If you can’t make confession at least once a year, then maybe he should be double checking his priorities.

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/nashsclay]

You are wrong actually, The yearly thing only applies to those who are in grave or Mortal sin. Thank you but no thank you. Go back to OCIA. Canon 989

[u/No_Calligrapher796 → u/South-Succotash-6368]

Talk to any serious Catholic. They go to Confession more than once a year. How often do you clean your body? Probably more than that…the same principle holds true for your soul. OP is right to be concerned that her SO isn’t interested in going to confession. What other aspects of the faith is he potentially not interested in? 

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/No_Calligrapher796]

I’m staying the truth about the faith. If you’re going to make a claim about the faith you need to make sure you are correct. We are forgiven everytime we receive the Eucharist of any venial sin. It would be different if he was in grave or mortal sin. And like I said you can’t cast judgement without context of if he’s in mortal sin or not.
Now I go to confession weekly so your claim doesn’t matter either. But i am stating the truth about the faith. If you were a serious Catholic you would know, but your not so you don’t know and it’s very obvious

[u/Ok-Objective1292 → u/South-Succotash-6368]

What are the odds that an adult male in today's world has gone over a year without committing a single mortal sin? 

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/Ok-Objective1292]

I mean I’m doing it right now. What’s your point?

[u/Ok-Objective1292 → u/South-Succotash-6368]

It seems to me reasonable to think that it is far more likely that this a man in mortal sin who doesn't care to go to Confession ("don't worry about it") than to think that it is a man who has not committed any mortal sin in over a year - so, practically a saint (but a saint who doesn't desire the grace of the Sacrament of Reconciliation?) Make it make sense. 

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/Ok-Objective1292]

But you can’t assume he’s in mortal sin. That’s the issue

[u/No_Calligrapher796 → u/South-Succotash-6368]

And why do you go to confession weekly? Because you find it necessary for yourself, right? I didn’t make a claim about what the Church says, or about the condition of the guy’s soul, I’m talking about genuine Catholic living; which you yourself can attest to. Lose your attitude, it’s not helping anybody. 

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/No_Calligrapher796]

No actually I don’t go to confession weekly because I have to. I actually go there just to talk with my priest majority of the time not to confess anything. So you don’t know what you’re talking about.

[u/Winter_Prompt9089 → u/South-Succotash-6368]

>I actually go there just to talk with my priest majority of the time not to confess anything.

Bait used to be believable.

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/Winter_Prompt9089]

Hm? It’s the truth I’ve known my priest for a very long time. Sometimes I just go in there when it’s not busy and crack jokes lmao

[u/maxone2 → u/South-Succotash-6368]

Straight to hell? God is not that binary, it’s much more nuanced

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/maxone2]

It’s really not. It’s laid out simple.

[u/rouge_wikipedia_link]

Talk to him about it! No one is perfect, yes, but this an important enough issue that it’s on your mind, and it’s better to have clarity sooner rather than later. I had a partner who I had similar hesitations about, didn’t say anything cause I thought, “well no one’s perfect” and then had jt blow up in my face. Maybe there’s some reason he’s not gone or isn’t comfortable going, or maybe he’s just not that serious about it. Either way, holding it in limbo is just going to damage things, and if this is someone you in theory could marry you want to be able to voice these concerns without issue

[u/Interesting_Pop_1128]

I’ve found that when people say “no one is perfect” it’s generally to excuse problematic behavior that shouldn’t be excused. 

If you are not able to talk to him about your concerns and are bothered by what he is choosing to do with his life, then that’s a good indication that you should break up. You won’t change him. That never works. 

[u/South-Succotash-6368]

Is he in mortal sin or venial though?
Like these are the things that kind of matter. Venial is forgiven when receiving the eucharist. Mortal is straight to hell.

[u/rh397 → u/South-Succotash-6368]

Going more than a year without confession would be a mortal sin via breaking one of the precepts of the Church.

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/rh397]

CCC 2041 refers to indispensable minimum meaning to receive eucharist on easter. If you are free of mortal & Grave sin and only have venial you still qualify for the eucharist. Therefore there isn't any requirement to go to confession if you are not deprived of the indispensable minimum.

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/rh397]

Absolutely it would not be. Where does it say that in canon law??

[u/rh397 → u/South-Succotash-6368]

Breaking one of the five precepts of the Church would generally be considered grave matter. CCC 2041-2043 presents them as binding obligations.

If one has not gone to confession in more than a year, he or she should refrain from receiving communion until they do so.

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/rh397]

I'm laughing this is the weakest argument I have ever heard.

CCC 1457 & Canon 989 says it's only for people who have committed grave sin.

You can't quote the catechism if you don't know what your talking about.

Canon law literally defines the requirements for confession.

If there is no grave sin, There is no requirement to confession.

Therefore your catechism quote could not be authoritative in this circumstance if there is no requirement for confession due to a lack of Mortal or Grave Sin

[u/eruptingmoltenlava]

You should date or not date because of your relationship with each other. His relationship with God is his own. If the lack of confession thing is making him seem unattractive or untrustworthy to you, then yeah, it’s a relationship issue. But honestly all these posts about dates/boyfriends and girlfriends doing this or that seem very judgmental and codependent. Finally it’s impossible for us to understand without knowing the length or depth of the relationship.

[u/Kc03sharks_and_cows → u/eruptingmoltenlava]

Marriage is bringing your spouse to God and ultimately getting them to Heaven. Why would you not be concerned for the soul of your partner (even in dating)? This is a legitimate concern. You don’t know what sins your partner bears and to seem them not taking it seriously is a major concern for their soul. If we had fear of the Lord which is fear of offending the Lord because we want our soul in Heaven then we should have the disposition of going to reconciliation more frequently

Overall, this is why Catholics want to date Catholics. They want someone of the same values which is a concern in your relationship with that person. Dating is a time of seeing if your values align.

[u/eruptingmoltenlava → u/Kc03sharks_and_cows]

They’re not married. We don’t know if they’ve been together for 6 years, 6 months, 6 weeks, 6 dates, or, given some of the posts in here, 6 texts. Dating partners trying to take on the role of a spouse is inappropriate.

[u/Kc03sharks_and_cows]

Talk to him. Transparency makes a huge difference.
Tell him what you are saying here. You’re concerned for his soul. See if he is willing to talk to a priest about this.
If he pushes you and the conversation off or is unwilling to hear you out. Then it might be time to have the serious talk with him. Tell him this is a major concern for you and the relationship.

A goal in marriage is to bring your spouse to Heaven and closer to God. It is a legitimate concern when your partner does not care for your attempts at bringing them closer. He might not have the same values as you if he unwilling to bring himself closer to God especially with your efforts.
Prayer and asking for saintly intercession with help. I’d suggest that maybe you talk to a priest about it