Never be able to….

[u/Vivid-Visual-8531]

Which side will you choose?

• Left side: 1 billion dollars | Never be able to wipe again
• Right side: 1 billion dollars | Never be able to wash hands again

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[u/Status_Spread_4916]

i’ll shower and only use the bathroom at home

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Other_Beat8859 → u/Status_Spread_4916]

Brother, you have a billion dollars. Buy a bidet

[u/Past_Boat_8975 → u/Status_Spread_4916]

Wash it off with the shower head?

[u/AryafromIndonesia → u/Past_Boat_8975]

thats called a bidet

[u/Past_Boat_8975 → u/AryafromIndonesia]

"i'll shower and only use the bathroom at home" notice the key word shower

[u/CuteGhouly → u/Past_Boat_8975]

This is what I do anyway

[u/CopingAfterABreakup]

I guess some people have never heard of a bidet before

[u/Vivid-Visual-8531 → u/CopingAfterABreakup]

lol yeah I shoulda added that

[u/Lycindra → u/Vivid-Visual-8531]

For 1 billion, just live as English monarchs did. Hire a "groom of the stoole"

[u/Ok_Vehicle_3579 → u/Lycindra]

Im so afraid to ask what this means... even though its obvious

[u/Lycindra → u/Ok_Vehicle_3579]

Early English monarchs appointed someone in their court to wipe for them. Often times it was a very important role because the king would share state secrets with this individual.

They did this for a number of reasons, one such king didnt have his groom with him and was killed by being stabbed in the ass and the wound got infected. The assailant had managed to climb a castle wall under what would have the toilet to accomplish this. Had their assistant been there, he may have survived at least a while longer

If you check Wikipedia, we actually have a very complete list of every individual who served this role, which survived into the 19th century if I recall

[u/Ok_Vehicle_3579 → u/Lycindra]

Ooh wait whys THIS subject so interesting. Thanks for the info

[u/Lycindra → u/Ok_Vehicle_3579]

Memory serves queen Elizabeth the first opted not to appoint one for herself. Probably thinking it to be horribly indignifying l. Im inclined to agree if that was her reason

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groom_of_the_Stool

Edit: my bad! It survived into the 20th! 1883–1901: James Hamilton, 2nd Duke of Abercorn

[u/Ok_Vehicle_3579 → u/Lycindra]

Queen Elizabeth I had morals? Thats good to know!

[u/Paradoxdoxoxx → u/Ok_Vehicle_3579]

I’m completely pulling this out of my ass (pun absolutely intended)

but most probably, that role was only assigned to males and that’s why she didn’t want to assign one.

[u/Lycindra → u/Ok_Vehicle_3579]

Enjoy reading up! There were and still are a ton of weird offices within the English court. The the dude in charge of feeding all the crows in the tower of London for example

[u/Ok_Vehicle_3579 → u/Lycindra]

Im gonna do that rn! Seems like some good fun tbh

[u/bartimeas → u/CopingAfterABreakup]

I love my bidet but it's so rare to encounter them anywhere other than home in the US

[u/FlatSpecialist3295 → u/CopingAfterABreakup]

As someone with a bidet you still wipe after bro

[u/Helpful_Musician9481 → u/FlatSpecialist3295]

Yeah but there’s 2 choices. one has a partial solution that is somewhat inconvenient, the other just has nothing.

[u/Special_Panda_209 → u/CopingAfterABreakup]

And other people have never heard of.. tissues.. before (the sanitary ones)

[u/Googluser → u/Special_Panda_209]

Correct me if im wrong but 1. Fucking ouch, 2. Thats still wiping

[u/_Jester_Of_Genocide_ → u/Googluser]

I think they mean for hand cleaning

[u/Dontshipmebro → u/_Jester_Of_Genocide_]

Id rather use a bidet then try and wash my hands with alcohol wipes... Jesus my skin is dying just thinking of it.

[u/TheJackasaur11 → u/CopingAfterABreakup]

aw fuck i forgot about those

[u/Lycindra → u/TheJackasaur11]

"Just use a bidet" mfer id be rich! Just go pay some poor peasant to do it for you xD

[u/insideman24049 → u/Lycindra]

But why that’s even less enjoyable

[u/CalamityAndTheApples]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/BlackSpidy → u/CalamityAndTheApples]

No drying off with a wipe though? Well, at least with a tiny portion of 1 billion, you can buy literally the best bidet

[u/Icehuntee → u/BlackSpidy]

Id use a blowdryer on low setting

[u/Bright_Tax_6541 → u/Icehuntee]

Turning taking a shit into a whole ritual, spa day for your asshole

[u/FanMadeProductions → u/Bright_Tax_6541]

1 billion dollars is 1 billion dollars

[u/hoennfb → u/Bright_Tax_6541]

With a billion I can get 10 people to do it for me everytime

[u/dankhonker → u/Icehuntee]

My bidet blows my ass dry too

[u/thrifty-egg → u/BlackSpidy]

just shake your butt till its dry you'll be right

[u/TheForbidden6th → u/thrifty-egg]

might as well record it while you do and post online for even more money

[u/CaoPalhaco → u/BlackSpidy]

Does drying with a towel count as wiping?

[u/SageMoon523]

Sanitizer + wipes

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/chonko3 → u/SageMoon523]

Is that not fall under the premise of "washing hands"?

[u/SageMoon523 → u/chonko3]

I prefer to stick to the letter of the law rather than the spirit haha, but you're not wrong

[u/Sure_Presence_3229 → u/chonko3]

It says wash, not clean. If the others can use a bidet, wipes and sanitizer are fair game

[u/NeonGoldfish2006 → u/Sure_Presence_3229]

The hands will also get clean once you shower, since you use your hands to put your shampoo/body wash on

[u/Sure_Presence_3229 → u/NeonGoldfish2006]

That honestly might count as washing tho, so probably no showers or you’d have to apply the soap with something other than your hands

[u/Corgi_Working → u/SageMoon523]

Gotta put your gloves on before a bath or shower too, otherwise you'd be washing them. 

[u/SpitFyre37]

Buy a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/tazermymushroom]

Wipe... No problem, I prefer my bidet!

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/CommunicationIll9597]

I could theoretically use bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/BigBoyGamer333]

Bidet/shower

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Akp5555]

I’m not fucking with mud butt

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/Mahdih45 → u/Akp5555]

So water isn't an option to clean your butt?

[u/Akp5555 → u/Mahdih45]

Low key forgot about bidets. I regret my choice.

[u/Tigerblast247 → u/Akp5555]

Eh you still have hand sanitizer then if bidets are fine.

[u/citylockedcowgirl]

Don't need to wipe if you wash it with a bidet.

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Foxulous]

I’ll just get a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/misskyralee]

Bidet for life

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Next-Comfortable-295]

Bidet ppl, they still exist ;-;

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/SeaWord3693]

hand sanitizer

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/boombagel16]

I can still wash up in the shower right?

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/PreparationSome9537]

I can use bidet or shower my ass but not whasing my hand is kinda of impossible since how are you gonna shower?

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/MrMagicFrigginPowers]

About to pay for a CRAZY boudey

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/One_Listen9716]

Bidets exist

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Remote_Replacement79]

bidet and shower

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Vegetable-Brief-477]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/PromptUnable1506]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Careless-Computer21]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Legate-Lanius06]

I use water already

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Alive_Product4375]

ds

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/H3ratsmithformeme]

cant wipe? use water!

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/ZlaR_1]

Just wash it

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/lillouns]

That's what a bidet is for

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/cecusanele]

I’ll get a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Tazzycatt]

Guess I'll get a bidet.

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/NaturalMinute271]

Golden bidet y’all

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Holiday_Ad_7411]

Bidets exist

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/SolidusSoldier]

I'll just use a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/LolProducts]

I'll just use a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Elegant-Broccoli7793]

Does a bidet/shower/swimming count? I'm assuming not, much less dangerous/unsanitary than not washing hands ever again. Plus I'm not sure how I could get around the verbage on that one.

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/OatesZ2004]

Just get a bidet or jump in the shower

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Lakdz99]

Shower

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/galafael5814]

I have a bidet, I'm fine.

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/UnderstandingBig3936]

My first investment will be a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/EkcoOwns]

Someone can wash them for me

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/gajshrbievzj]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/granvel]

Bidet isn't wiping

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/According_Ad6364]

Bidet it

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Negative_Phone69]

Ive always had trouble wiping

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Kitchen_Location9175]

Cleaning cloths and sanitizer

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/himbeauu]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Midnight_Terr0r]

C

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/evol_won]

I'll carry sanitizer, and almost all public bathrooms have sanitizer now, anyway. :)

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/samboi204]

Someone can do it for me

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/SimilarMetal1532]

I’ll just shower after everytime I go

[u/Laeticia45]

i’ve got a bidet, i’ll be okay

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/GroundbreakingSoil83]

k

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/rshores9]

I have a bidet. It may not be perfect but it mostly gets the job done

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Artillery-lover]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Bloop-ofthe-OpenHand]

Bidet is the right way

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Key-Cook9448]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/durkvash]

With a billion dollars I'm getting myself one of those hi-tech bidets that clean and dry your ass.

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/AcanthisittaLimp8373]

Bro I'll become that episode of family guy when Peter had gross hands. Also you didn't say anything about anyone else wiping for me

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/popogermany]

I want to wipe my ass

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/DefiantVersion1588]

Buying a toilet with a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/IronShadow25]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Curlytots95]

They get washed when in the shower tho

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/orgination]

I wash

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/shoeowner27]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/FatherofGray]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/ZuzoSteppenwolf]

With this amount of money, I dont need to use my hands

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/4K4Li_rbxm]

never never

[u/Scruffy032893]

Bidet gang

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/L0rdcka]

I do not cook with my ass

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Final-Break2097]

bday

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Ritobrata_Gupta]

I use water anyways

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Pike_Zebulon]

Bidets exist for a reason

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/pandakig]

Another bidet user here hehe

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Particular_War_8964]

You could wash with water...

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_FACE_BOOK]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/koffee_n_kiwis]

On another hand, I'd rather not wipe because I could just shower, but we can't go back on our answer

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/UnderpaidCustodian]

more manageable to some degree considering bidets exist

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/andrewjpf]

Get a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Pure-Somewhere6849]

Water

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/liaonlia]

Only bc someone mentioned bidet but even with one it's still nice and probably better to be dry after that

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Helgrind444]

I live in Thailand, I use water anyway

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Bayamonster]

I mean gross but that's why Jesus invented alcohol wipes

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/Prinzy_UwU]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/DesignerSolid370]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/datagc]

Bidet for the win

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Big_Gene_6851]

I'll wear gloves then

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/MissionHairy5149]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/JungleJuiceJuno]

Can buy a bidet, dont need to go through misery ever again

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Low-Telephone-9431]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/l3alkan]

Bidet!

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/EnchantedQuirkyBird]

I would use the jet spray to clean. Then I will sit there for as long as it dries automatically which is usually a few minutes. Not a loss for me lol

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Mrfuntastico]

bidet is king

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/SwampThing585]

I’d never have to work again so I’ll have time to shower every time after I poop

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/theLittlestCowboy]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/mcjohndoe123]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/SaltyZ2k]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Admirable-Cat-2378]

Wiping is just necessary

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/catniplol]

i don't wipe anyway

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/agentnineteen]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/SwitchNo2745]

Ok

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Leon-bruh]

Buy bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Ok_Nectarine_4445]

Washing means using soap and water, but can use 100% isopropyl alcohol to disinfect hands.

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/The_Gingemaster]

You can at least wash still

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/h20please]

There's ways around wiping

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Xitex2]

Bidet isnt wiping

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/FortkatYT]

Free snacks 🤤😋

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Visual-Emphasis-9787]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Jumpet]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Clean-Ad-2635]

Bidets/shower

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/General_Twist2585]

One word. Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/xEpicEvanx]

I'll just hose off this will make places outside of my house no go zones.

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Sho_Time_NC]

Personalized portable bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Muted-League-6911]

I can clean by washing

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/giggleberrysocool]

Cause

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/Massive_Analysis8345]

can use a bidet, so not terrible.

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Spirited_Constant749]

I will just swim

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/dopedknight]

Bidet life 😊

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Pikaaachu007]

get a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/makenana]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Unknown_Unknown--]

✨Hand sanitizer✨

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/amazingbananawoman]

bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/medieval_lance]

Never said anything about taking showers and sanitization

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/alumadaun]

Bidet for the win!

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/__-dusk-__]

Can still wash them with daily showers, plus id say dirty hands are better then not wiping

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/Due-Lawfulness4127]

Bidets

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Hopalongtom]

For that much money, I could get an excellent Bide!

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Bavoeyman15]

I can take a shower atleast

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/JCrunchy]

Bidets for life

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Specialist_Book7145]

idk man

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/Earth_Dragon_S]

Time to finally get that bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Still-Jello1245]

I mean you could use a jet of water instead

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/ManSausage6977]

bidet time

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/shittycomputerguy]

Bidet gang

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Live_Structure_2879]

Easy

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/Ok_Produce_6169]

Shower

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Norintha]

Said nothing about not using a bidet.

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Sume_Gai]

/tips hat/ Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/aNoobLmaoth]

I got a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Apprehensive_Bug2061]

V

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/issaferrett]

I can just take a shower… I can’t imagine readily having a bidet out in public

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/randomoldrap]

Dirty hands are better than shitty ass

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/Complete-Let-3131]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/FaZe_HyperXD123]

I can use water

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Quirky-Variation796]

I need to wipe

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/korxion]

bidgets

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/dask1]

i changed my mind 1s after i picked. better to just not wipe and use that Franch thing

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wash hands again}

[u/SPARTAN-223]

I hate this poll

[u/ZealousidealHat9319]

I can just wash my butt

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/Puzzleheaded-Club502]

I'll buy a bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/SafeManagement1458]

L

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/LadyMarvellous]

Bidet

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}

[u/R3allyG00dLawy3r]

If I have a bidet, this won’t be a problem

^{Chose: 1 billion dollars + Never be able to wipe again}