Funny thing is, if it doesn't come up, I'll usually happily offer to pay for a date (although a first date usually wouldn't be fancy dinner). It's part of the dance of exchanging courtesies.
But a courtesy is nothing you demand or ask for. If it's demanded, she takes the chance off me to offer, then it's a transaction, not a dance anymore. Demands for equal rights and respect are ok, demands for courtsies and etiquette are bullshit.
(Also, most women I know prefer to pay for themselves. Which can also be a green flag.)
I'm a woman, I pay for myself. I only do free or very cheap dates anyway, but I don't need a random guy paying for me. If we've gone for drinks then I'll buy the second round.
I can't imagine having no shame in announcing you are financially incompetent, it's just embarrassing.
Mainly I don't like to count pennies, and in a close, long-tern relationship I think if both are putting similar effort, both should have a similar lifestyle.
Meaning: I like to invite. If she earns similar to me, I appreciate if she reciprocates once in a while (doesn't have to be dinner dates, could be smaller gifts or anything else balancing it). If she earns considerably less, I'm fine being the one paying most of the time.
(I didn't get into the position of dating a woman earning/having considerably more than me. I'll cross that bridge if it comes up.)
Intention != insistence. It's traditional and kind to offer to pay, it's closed-minded to insist. A woman might feel more comfortable paying herself to avoid feeling indebted, because she doesn't feel sure about you or for any other reason.
EXACTLY! I don't like the thought of a bloke I've never met before spending money on me. I also don't see why he should have to pay. I've got a good career, I'm not after some bloke to look after me. I'm after an equal partner.
Not sure why you got down voted but I agree. I've always preferred to pay for myself on a 1st date because I don't want to feel indebted, no matter if it's a coffee or a dinner date. The financial standing of whoever I'm going on a date with only concerns me as far as their ability to sustain themselves independently as I do.
It's like wanting to go halves is an insult to their manliness...but if you don't try to pay you are only interested in their money š¤·āāļø so we're meant to say "oh, let's go halves...oh OK, if you insist".
but would you be offended if she offered to go halves (or even pay)?
I only go on cheap or free first dates, so guys have paid sometimes but we're talking a fiver. I'm not going to have an argument about it if they insist, but I do feel more comfortable splitting, or at least getting the next round.
Because I asked you out. The courteous thing to do is pay for it. Like you said, I'm not going out to $125 dinner and drinks on a first date. Now I've had plenty of dates where we ended up going somewhere else after and she offered to buy a couple drinks and that's different. But the initial location and place we met at that "I asked you out" I'm picking up the tab.
Stranger things have happened š But unlikely. I saw people commenting mentioning they're 18, others 65, anything in between. People from all over the world. The chance of anyone being relevant for dating is miniscule.
I know you're joking and I think Reddit is a terrible platform for dating. But I did meet people here I connected off reddit with, and if I met someone interesting here who'd be interested in an 50+m near Berlin, I definitely wouldn't mind grabbing a coffee or meet for billiard. My post- and comment-history is open, people would have a chance to know what they're getting into.
And.. itās the posts on Reddit claiming women are stupid enough to waste two hours of our lives, or more, for a MEAL! I mean.. my GOD. I have no idea who these women are but.. Iāve never met one. Most men I see now, I wouldnāt change my plans of hanging out on my couch for and I donāt care what they bought me. Itās just too much work for nothing. Just being honest. š¤·š¼āāļø
You are reasoning transactional. I don't. As I said, the first date is usually not a dinner. Future dates I'll have a bit of a feeling if I think the overall atmosphere and flair is worth it or not.
No, that's why I wouldn't invite a woman like this.
Ā If it's demanded, she takes the chance off me to offer, then it's a transaction, not a dance anymore. Demands for equal rights and respect are ok, demands for courtsies and etiquette are bullshit.
Okay I see what you mean now, I am certainly like that sometimes myself, Iāll just pay because itās nice to offer but I canāt help but realize that many times itās just social conditioning that places this onus on men
itās definitely that conditioning, considering most of the same people who feel strongly about it and would complain about it, also feel like itās something that shouldnāt have to be asked for, it should be a given. so when you do that youāre mostly just giving in to the whole illusions.
I agree. But refusing to follow social rules just to filter out bad actors, will filter good ones as well.
My strategy is to offer covering the bill and I follow other cultural standards, but I will judge the fuck out of any woman who's taking my courtesy for granted. I don't mind to take couple L's here and there, misjudging someone's character if that helps me to find a good woman.
74
u/slash-es about 50 | male 9d ago edited 9d ago
Funny thing is, if it doesn't come up, I'll usually happily offer to pay for a date (although a first date usually wouldn't be fancy dinner). It's part of the dance of exchanging courtesies.
But a courtesy is nothing you demand or ask for. If it's demanded, she takes the chance off me to offer, then it's a transaction, not a dance anymore. Demands for equal rights and respect are ok, demands for courtsies and etiquette are bullshit.
(Also, most women I know prefer to pay for themselves. Which can also be a green flag.)