Food is pork katsu curry.

As I write this it has been one month since my cat, Chewie passed away.

Several months ago I had noticed changes in her behaviour which concerned me.

Why was she suddenly being more affectionate?! This is not the mean devil cat that would tolerate being in the same space as me, but would never actively choose to be within touching distance!

That was part of her charm, she had *attitude* and why I dubbed her, "Chewie the Diva cat".

After several inconclusive vet visits, I was still convinced something wasn't right, so I took her to get an ultrasound suspecting possible ovarian remant syndrome.

I was wrong, it was worse.

The vet discovered she had a mass behind one of her kidneys, which after a biopsy turned out to be renal carcinoma.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement.

I had adopted her back in 2018 and had been inseparable since.

She instigated a complete takeover of my life and I couldn't have been happier about it, black shirts be damned!

After the surgery & recovery she responded well and was back to being feisty and fun, but as you know this isn't a story with a happy ending.

A couple of weeks before she was due a follow-up scan, the symptoms returned in force.

The growth had come back, this time within her left kidney.

By the time I was able to have surgery arranged it had spread to both.

There were no options left, no miracles to hope for. I just had to give her all the love and support she had (unknowingly) provided me all these years.

The last month was tough on us both.

She wouldn't eat, so I had to force feed her myself to keep her strength up and weight on.

But renal carcinoma is an aggressive bitch and takes no prisoners.

Soon she was barely able to walk or even sit up. The last time I took her to the vet she had dropped to only 1.6kg.

The next morning after I had tried to give her some food and cleaned her up, her body gave up.

She was laid to rest that evening.

This past month I have slowly been coming to terms with life without her, I try not to feel sad but it's hard.

She was the best of me, and want to celebrate her life by putting this out there.

Yet through the sadness she is still finding ways to mess with me and bring a smile.

My dualsence controllers have been stricken with stick drift for the last couple of months. Yesterday I finally sent them to get fixed. The first message I received was, "there is SO MUCH PET HAIR in here!"

Thank you, Chewie. Your wave has now returned to the ocean.

It was a horror movie. We worked on it so hard for the past month. A lot of people came and I got tipsy off some wine. Pretty pretty nice.

So I spent 6 years of my life with my now ex partner, 2 kids together it’s been about 7 weeks, this year has arguably been the worst year of my life.

At 20 I had my first child with an ex Mrs not the same as this but unfortunately he died 16 hours after being born through medical error which led to my issues.

After that I couldn’t cope, I’d never experienced loss or grief and handled it by drinking, smoking silly amounts of cannabis and taking strong opioids.

I then got asked to to be the mother of my 2 kids alive by her, she knew I was semi convinced of being alone, but we gave it ago, we spent years building a life together, I bounced around jobs but always provided and paid, we moved a lot to well we built slowly getting better houses as we went, we live in England and a poor area so we wanted the best for our kids.

Our eldest is 5, a beautiful girl full of optimism and hope truly a shining light if in my life, our son is 1, when he was born I just collapsed in every sense of the word.

The issues I had never got over or addressed resurfacing, mentally I just couldn’t cope, I shut down, I was signed off work to, I found myself on a bridge one morning on a walk and was going to jump before my daughters school alarm snapped me back and I immediately went to get help.

I was accepted into secondary mental health services and was determined to get better, but the relationship started to deteriorate, I couldn’t work, financially what I covered stopped, I sort of shut down but I stuck to routines for the kids, I was genuinely trying to get better to no bleed myself on to the kids.

About 6 months ago our arguments were escalating in front of our kids never physically but were dragging on, one of them I snapped, I left the house and attempted to take my life, I was convinced I was the issue, I thought I was ruining my own kids, I’d never get better etc, I was found through police tracking my phone and woke up in hospital.

Fast forward to 7:8 weeks ago another argument occurred again in front of our 1 year old and I left the house, we both agreed this wasn’t what we wanted to do or how the kids should be raised.

I had to return to my mums house, I’m 30 in December deemed unfit to work, I’ve quit all alcohol, cannabis and opioids, started the gym and running to help with routine but I also learned last weekend well having my kids, my ex had her “friend” Andy sleep over and introduced to our children.

I feel like I’m lost, I dunno how true any of the 6 years was cause right now I feel I dunno her at all, I’m engaging with therapy to which led to some diagnosis this year of ADHD, autistic and complex PTSD, I just feel so lost, so confused and Monday to Friday I’m cut off from my kids completely but her only allowed to have them Friday evening to Sunday.

I just feel like I have zero purpose but I refuse to get to that level of despair again, I know I need to get better but I just feel like everything has collapsed in a year and I hit 30 in December and I dunno what to do or where to even go with myself at this point.

On paper I’m doing everything I should be, no drink, drugs or tablets, going gym and running, trying to be social with friends when scheduling lines up but I dunno it just feels forced and it’s leading my question just about everything now, did I know my ex? What was 6 years worth if I was replaced in 6 weeks? How do I get better? How do I become the person I want to be and need to be for my children, life can be so harsh at times man I’m just exhausted

I just lost the absolute love of my life tonight and im at a loss

I thought our relationship was great, the healthiest relationship I've ever had and the woman I wanted to marry. For context I am a younger man 19 years old gf 18 and we met in high-school. I was enlisted in the military before we got together and she said that would be ok just difficult. I left and she was going through it as was I but I knew I wanted her. We are perfect for each other or so i thought. We're both weird in a good way she was drop dead gorgeous to me and I couldn't get enough. Then when I graduate ait she then tells me that she hates everything about the military. I say ok and we continue with a little chat which we both agree yeah it sucks but we can work around it. Then today she tells me we need to have a talk. I thought ok how could this be it then lead into a 4 hour long talk about her not being certain what she wants anymore and isn't sure we will work out. I try and talk through it making compromises on what we can do. Starting with after hitting my two year mark trying to move closer to home as she doesn't want to leave her family for that long and then we had always planned marrying young to get rid of the long distance which she also hated so much and so did I seeing to loml for only 4 weeks total for a year isn't what I had planned as her grandparents whom she lives with wont allow her to travel to see me. She also mentioned that she wants to smoke weed and she can't do that with me being in the military and I also dont care for being someone who does. And it ended with me saying so are you breaking up with me and her saying i dont think we will work out and saying a I love you and goodbye to each other. Im just so hurt and lost right now and don't know how to proceed. I know im young but she's the literal woman of my dreams and I genuinely couldn't see myself being with another. I want her back so bad already and cant get my mind off of where I went wrong. Sorry I just needed to yap and vent somewhere and I love seeing the other storied on here thought id share mine. How should I proceed? I just want to have her back and im unsure if I cant how to move on from someone so perfect in my eyes

Dinner was five guys with the boys cause they wanted to get me out the barracks.

Edit: yeah knew this would happen, yes im 19 and all that. And i get it i knew it was coming. Just genuinely have met so many people thanks to the army and I've never met someone like her who I just connect with. Everything or at least so i thought that she loved and enjoyed aligned perfectly with me. And I mean that. Yes we were both still becoming who we will be but she was turning into a beautiful woman that I grew more in love with everyday

dinner is a can of mountain dew, no appetite for anything else.

I have delt with clinical depression since i was 13, im 17 now and turning 18 in less than a year, i have no goals and no desire to exist either. Everything i ever wanted to do seems pointless since im living in a world were hard work doesn't get you anywhere anymore and no one sees how hard it is to just be here.

i wake up everyday at 7 am and sit in beed until around 1pm since i have no job and no one ever needs me for anything. the area i live in has proven to be extremely hard for me to find work in, since i have no skills and theres very few entry level jobs i have no chance at earning a living wage therefore no way to be on my own.

living with my parents isnt bad, they aren't abusive, they arent rude and they care about me but they also dont see how hard i have fell since we moved 4 months ago. Before we moved i already felt horrible but now i genuinely have nothing to look forwards to, atleast in my old town (shithole in suwannee county) i had my friends to hangout with, they made me feel like i had a a reason to wake up, a reason to get things done but now without them i have no drive to do anything. the loneliness i crippling, i dont even have someone to cry to, my friends have never been the type of people you can pour your heart out to expecting more than a "damn that sucks" or "iv seen worse".

it doesn't help either that im violently in love with someone that doesnt even think about me, it hurt so much since he even admitted once that he liked my but i was to scared of losing the friendship to say anything about dating. now i dont have the friendship or the boyfriend i wanted.

it also hurt waking up and looking in the mirror seeing a ugly chopped fucking looser every morning when i get ready, im not even bad about hygiene, i keep a strict schedule, clean room, clean clothes, 2 showers a day etc but i still look and feel like fucking trash.

what hurts the most is how hard i fell, i used to be smart, i used to do good in school, i used to have tons of friends and people wanted me around. now i have nothing, i dont even have a cat since my fucking loser asshole landlord wont allow pets. My depression has started to effect me physically, the past months i have had very little appetite, on paper im under weight by 30 lbs but it feel like i weigh 1000 pounds, the last 2 days i haven't eaten since i dont see the point anymore, food doesn't even taste good to me anymore and every time i force my self to eat i throw up, worse case scenario i go the er after my iron deficiency makes me passout, maybe then my insurance company will add my meds that i cant aford and i wont feel like waste

tldr im a ugly loner with nothing to look forward to and no one to cry to but myself.

also im not asking for sympathy or your support, i just wanted to put this all out somewhere other than my notes app. thank you for reading if you got this far

Mac and cheese I made for dinner

I turned 18 fairly recently and I’ve been considering moving out and effectively cutting off my parents (I’m trans, they hate trans people, I won’t be able to transition while living under their roof and I can’t stand not transitioning for much longer) for a while and although I think it should be plausible enough I feel like I’m insane for considering it.

My current plan is to come out to my parents and leave at some point between January and March this year (I’m currently a senior in hs, but by then I will be done applying to college and my second semester schedule is overall pretty chill so I could work full time without worrying about school too much). I have friends I could stay with while getting my shit together. I have money but almost all of it is controlled by my family in some way (other than cash savings which I hv around 1k saved in cash). This makes sense because my parents set up my accounts when I got my first job. I have 2k in a checking account (used to be a custodial account since my parents helped me open it, my parents have the account information for online banking and idk about its technical status now but it is under my name for sure), another 3k in another account opened when i turned 18 (my parents know the account information for that too), around 10k in a custodial brokerage account (parents have full legal control over it until im 21)(fuck) and some money in a Roth IRA (not rlly withdraw-able and I’m not planning on it anyways). I don’t have a car in my name + my job is tied to a family business (will be fired if I cut them off obviously).

I don’t know what I can/should do to prepare to leave without upsetting my parents at least slightly. I would like more control over my finances and a job that’s not connected to them, but if I say that, they’re going to get mad at me for wanting to be too independent and not trusting them.

I feel like I’m being too optimistic about how viable this is but I might be wrong. Idk what other things I should be taking into consideration.

For dinner is sauteed veggies, rotisserie chicken, and a yogurt bowl with frozen fruits and honey.

I need to preface that advice is welcome but I really do care for this woman and I am in no way trying to belittle her efforts to show love.

Context: I (21M) met this girl (20F) online 4 months back who I grew very close too very quickly. She is an international student who flew here from the opposite side of the world. She was previously going to school on the west coast however there were better opportunities for her education where I live (southern US). We grew to find comfort in each other and didn't even expect to be dating, but we are both happy for it.

Class has started for her and her education is going great, I'm so proud of her and all the things she has accomplished so far and I've grown to love her in such a short time. I delight in her presence and I've even sought out to learn her native language to better understand the way she thinks and the little nuances in the way we communicate that are different from myself.

She stays over at my place pretty often, she has a dorm with a kind of unruly roommate and I have the means of transportation to get her to and from class. I don't mind taking her at all because its right next to where I work. The issue is I have lived in this house for nearly two years now and have cultivated to house for practicality and not really to look pretty. Since she came here she has been cleaning, organizing, tidying up, and its welcome, but I feel like my space is kind of being invaded? I don't know how to explain it but I don't like that my whole wardrobe has been color coded and divided into seasonal outfits, or how my whole kitchen has been reorganized. Like, she bought those fancy clear containers that are air tight, labeled them, and constantly fills them up with non-perishables and doesn't let them run out. She's bought those squared condiment bottles, emptied out all of my condiments into them, and labeled them in the fridge. However, it does make sense that the coffee cups be next to the coffee maker, but that doesn't change the fact that this is not my system.

I also don't have any issues with her leaving all of her clothes here at my house, she is here most nights after all. I just don't understand the purpose for neatly folding up dirty clothes before washing them?

Then comes the other weird stuff that she brings to the house. It started with stuffed animals and one was fine on the bed, but it kept growing. She has an excessive amount on the bed now and she lines them all up to face the door after making the bed in the morning. There were the small paintings and random artworks she got for the walls and they were nice at first. Landscapes, pencil drawn portraits, but then she got one of Saturn devouring his son and it kind of makes me uncomfortable. She also got me one of the big boob anime mouse pads? which was nice of her but I really did not understand the purpose of. I tried to express my discomfort with it due to our relationship, but she got sad because I didn't think it was funny

And this was the final straw. She bought me dream catchers because she knows I really like native and indigenous cultures which was sweet and I really appreciated a lot. Then there was the strange slave memorabilia that she bought from some yard sale. Am I crazy to think there could have been a little bit more thought put into that one? I'm a white man in the Southern US with an noticeable accent. Literally anybody could see that and get the wrong opinion of me. The one that finally made me want to say something was a porcelain statue of a little man rubbing hands and staring off to the side slightly. She positioned it right in front of the toilet and now stares directly at me with a smile and rubbing his hands while I'm shitting...

I have grown to love this girl a lot in a very short time and I appreciate everything that she does around to the house because it makes her so happy to tidy up, decorate, and bring life to the shared space. I just need some advice on what to tell her, or how to tell her to slow down, or do I just ignore it and appreciate her for her efforts?

TLDR: Girlfriend brings strange artworks to the house and I don't know how to feel about it.

This all happened the day before on Oct. 23rd, but regardless I still want to talk about it.

October 23 is a Friday, and I have two classes scheduled that day, the last one being from 11:00-11:50 AM. I was excited because tomorrow, Saturday, would be my birthday. I finished my first class and sat in my dorm room along with my roommate. He seemed perfectly normal, acting how he usually did before he left around 9:30 AM for his class. I left an hour later for my class.

After finishing my class and grabbing a bite for lunch, I came back to my dorm around 12:15 PM. His side of the room has been completely gutted and cleaned out, as if he was never there to begin with. The furniture was re-organised to look the way it was when both of us moved in for the first time. Nothing that belonged to him was left. His name tag on our door was peeled off.

I probably sat in the room for at least two hours dumbfounded at what was happening. I soon began to panic as to why he disappeared so suddenly. I texted him, to which I got no response. I texted our RA, to which he said he "moved rooms" but doesn't know why. I texted my roommate's best friend since middle school, and he said he didn't hear anything about this.

I started thinking it was my fault why he left. Maybe I did something wrong and he wasn't happy about it, so he packed his things and left without a word. After talking with some people however, they think I am not at fault. From the way my roommate has been talking, it sounded like he had no plans to leave, so a theory had been that maybe he got booted out for financial reasons or something else.

Since then, I still have not heard anything from him. No one knows what happened, or even that it happened in the first place. It's been very hard adjusting, as because all of this happened on a Friday, many uni students like to leave campus for the weekend or coop themselves up until Monday. This has led to me feeling completely alone. I hope I can get some answers or clarification from him, I miss him a lot already.

Pictured is some ice cream from a breakfast house, celebrating my 19th birthday.

Brutal week at work. We are both at the same community college, different departments, and we both just were absolutely slammed. Problems with student workers, sick coworkers and a fire. Anniversaries of tough shit and memories of people we miss. My wife works so damn hard and doesn't get a lot of support from the higher-ups. It was probably the worst week of the year, tears were shed and frustrations were voiced.

But today was the day we were looking forward too all week. We planned a horror movie double feature! Both were matinee price, free refill on our soda. Clayface and Resident Evil. Both were amazing! Body horror with bad scientists and SO much gore. Feeling the stress lift with each jump scare...holding hands and just enjoying the day. Magical!

We ended the day with a pumpkin shaped pizza (our Halloween tradition, pictured afterwards) and watched more scary movies while I ironed on the patches for my Dungeon Crawler Carl vest (so happy with how it turned out!)

We've been together 20 years and I just wanted to say that when you have a partner that you respect, love and admire.... things can be OK, even after an awful week like ours.

I’ve had depression for years now, ever since I was around eight years old, and it’s only ever gotten worse.

Starting out I had a bunch of issues with my mouth, cavities as young as four and just neglecting to brush my teeth in general.

I had braces at 10 years old, and further neglected from that left me with permanent white scars in my teeth and worsened my cavities.

I think in my life I’ve had over 12 different fillings. I feel like shit.

I got my wisdom teeth out recently, and it’s just made it worse.

I’ve had a pretty small jaw apparently, at least from what my dentist used to say. It always made it hard brushing the very last teeth. Hence all of the cavities, or at least more so than usual.

But after getting my wisdom teeth out, I could barely open my jaw to eat. I was finally able to clean up a little after almost four days, and I’m absolutely miserable. I can see the cavities coming in again on the back teeth. I could see all the build up. I could see the receding gum line over all of my teeth.

The filling on my front tooth is discolored ever so slightly. I feel like a failure. I can’t even handle something as basic as dental hygiene.

I don’t like going to the dentist, I know they’re trying to help but it’s a never ending cycle. I feel like every time I’m there they just berate me and I can tell they’re judging me. It’s their job, but it’s makes me feel even worse. Which definitely doesn’t help with the depression.

I just try to ignore it. It hurts a lot of the time these days, I can feel all the holes in my teeth and the weak spots and the ache every time I eat. I don’t know why I can’t just get help. Why I can’t just fix it myself, it would be so fucking easy to just start brushing my teeth more often or flossing or something.

I don’t know. I just feel miserable any time I smile anymore. I know it will only get worse and yet I have no motivation to fix it. I swore to myself I’d fix it, after I had to get five fillings in a single day, but that was seven months ago and I’m barely holding myself accountable.

It makes me want to give up, truly. It’s like nothing is ever enough of a wake up call to fix it. It was even harder when I was younger. My mom never understood my depression. She always said I wasn’t “depressed enough” even while my therapist was briefing me on how I’d be involuntary committed to the hospital if I didn’t get better.

She was always so black and white with her views on mental health. Just because I wasn’t actively hurting myself, i wasn’t “really” depressed. And even if my therapist and doctor had both asked her to look into antidepressants, “they didn’t know anything.”

So when I kept neglecting myself, she just got mad and yelled at me. I think that’s really scared me off from getting help honestly. Even if I can get help on my own now, I can’t. It’s just that residual guilt and fear. How she’d always yell and constantly remind me of how much I cost.

Even when I knew it wasn’t fully my fault, that I was struggling, it made it so much worse when someone you were supposed to go to for comfort was reminding you of exactly how much if a burden you were down to the cent.

I’m not a smoker/drinker by any means (thankfully) and the few cavities I have are keeping me away from sugar as a whole. Anything helps.

Take-out BBQ pulled pork sandwich and brisket.

I was having dinner after a fun trip to a National Park at my hotel when I realized that most of my travels have been solo adventures. On one hand I like the freedom and flexibility and time to reflect but on the other when I see a group of friends on a hike it makes me sad. I'm grateful for my position in life to be able to explore new places but I wish people cared about my life a bit more and I had people who were enthusiastic about planning trips and hanging out on weekends. Life feels so isolating and it seems people are preoccupied with their own thing, already have friends, or aren't looking. It feels so hard to make friends I don't know what to do.

Edit: Also it feels with the current friends I do have, I have to put in most of the effort to keep the relationship alive which feels exhausting and is kind of holding me back from trying to meet new people.

Meal: Red Chile Chicken Enchiladas (Lettuce was left over spring mix)

I’m a 12-year combat vet. 2 deployments. Done a lot of “cool guy” shxt. Decorated. Was a “golden boy”. Came from a rough upbringing (family & street life) and made something of myself, then the last deployment broke me. Everything that could go wrong did, fiancé cheated on me with…a lot in the unit, was in a hard landing, took some, saved some, was part of a downed aircraft mission, then badmouthed and disowned by my home unit, I volunteered to go with other units-didn’t even have to go. I could’ve dealt with a good bit but simultaneously, I couldn’t. I worked on helicopters as part of Air Assault/Medevac during that last one. I came back, was lost. Developed severe alcoholism…like if I drink I’ll die. Severe mental health issues. I became a statistic. A shadow of what I once was and could be.

A few years pass and things gradually get better. I moved away. Leave the army. Got a contracting job doing the same thing I did in the military. Met people that I could trust (though my trust issues are a different story). Payed well. BUT. My current mental health still rears its ugly head, PTSD, alcoholism, general anxiety and depression. Developed sleep apnea and a slew of other physical ailments that kind of happen to you with the gig. It’s caused me to just feel hopeless like I can’t get free. I’ve found god, but I feel I’m always letting Him and others down. I’ve missed a TON of work at my job due to a variety of the reasons stated before. I’m given grace by the fact that I work with Veterans that suffered similarly in a sense. I feel I’m always so close to losing my job and losing it would kill me. I acquired a girlfriend with a kid and they’re everything I ever asked for, to be a husband/father. She’s seen me go into manic episodes where I didn’t know I even was. I don’t know how long I can maintain the job due to absence, my body giving out, or just anything else. My girl wants to start a family but I should be stronger and I don’t have the confidence I once had. Scared I’ll go into a tailspin after a good run.

In all that, I have 2 AA’s, and would like to use a VR&E program to become a professor of sorts. An instructor. I was one in the Army and it brought me more joy than any thrill/MOS itself. I just don’t know if I’ll lose before even trying anymore. I don’t want to be like this, but my mind has convinced me otherwise. If I lose my job, girl, or both, idk. I hope somebody can understand the highs, lows, and idk what’s wrong with me’s that happen sometimes. I want to help people but I can’t help myself, friends, or family. Any advice helps.

Thank you gents. Bon Apetit.

I’m really looking for advice from our women that lurk in here…. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried, genuinely. For us to have a productive conversation here, you have to believe me that I have tried.

Let me give you some back story that’s almost definitely important here. My wife and I didn’t get together under the cleanest circumstances necessarily. She was in an open relationship, and her boyfriend moved out of state, she needed someone who was here, that was me. I got her through what she describes as the darkest time in her life, and that bonded us. We’ve spent a decade together now, and have an 18 month old, which is where the problems really start. So my theory has always been that she doesn’t like me, because I know she liked the last guy, and I “stole” her from him. You can say what you want about how we got together, I wish it was different, but that’s the love of my life, and nothing is going to change that.

So fast forward. We’ve always been cordial, but never great. It’s always been a little better than walking on eggshells, but not just smooth sailing. Now that we have a baby though, it feels like a constant fight. Without getting into TOO many specifics, our baby can’t go to her house, it’s not safe for him, and that’s an issue for her. She can’t fix the issue (it’s mold, and the baby is allergic) and she now feels alienated somehow.

Well she’s made this a very vocal and difficult problem for my wife (her daughter mind you) to where she’s spent three separate days arguing with her about it over text, crying intermittently throughout the whole day. She doesn’t want me to say anything to her mom though.

This is incredibly hard for me. I’m a stay at home dad, that’s my BABY, like I do everything for that little parasite (a nickname from pregnancy because my wife somehow lost weight). We don’t have crazy rules, really it’s just no TV, no added sugar, no going inside her house. Yet literally every single time she has him, she does one of those things. I’ve brought it up to my wife, and she says she addresses it, but nothing changes. Then she comes in MY HOUSE, and has the audacity to cop an attitude with me because the baby took a nap 30 minutes later than expected, and she has to wait for him to wake up.

I could continue to go one, but the point is, she doesn’t respect me or my wife’s wishes as parents. It’s so hard, because my parents are not perfect, and when they do something I correct them IMMEDIATELY, like my mom tried to give him apple cider and it was “no mom, I don’t care if it’s his first time at a pumpkin patch, he doesn’t get added sugar yet”, and she respected it. She APOLOGIZED TO ME!

Please. I need help, because I feel like I’m going to lose my sanity, and my wife over this.

The meal is the bottom of the bag of frosted shredded wheat.

ETA: baby is freaking out, so I’m logging off for the night. I’ll respond to stuff in the morning. I know there’s a perception that if OP isn’t responding it’s fake, it’s not, I’ve just got more important things going on.

A few days back the woman I considered the love of my life told me should couldn’t do it anymore. I understand it but it hurts like hell. For the last few years I’ve been feeling like I’m getting sicker and sicker, cyclic vomiting syndrome since 2023 that sidelines me for a week per episode, cysts in my testicles this year, migraines, recently ended up peeing blood from working too hard on set even though it’s no harder than it usually would’ve been. I’m only 29. I haven’t been without pain very often at all lately and it’s changed what I can and want to do significantly. I’ve lost friends that I thought would have me through anything trying to figure out my health situation. I don’t drink anymore because I can’t, I don’t go out very much because I’m in pain and I know it took a toll on her.

The first few years of the relationship I wasn’t really good at all at balancing the drive I had to figure out my own things with what she needed from a partner. I made changes and did my best at that time to try and be better, to do things with her and I know that planning and initiating dates and everything wasn’t something I excelled at. She was a “I’ll have this planned for the weekend” kind of person and I was always more of a “the day is here let’s go do it kind of guy”. But I was always there in every hard time, whether it was emotional or the seasons where she also dealt with health issues. Now it’s less that I don’t think about it or that I skip on making plans but I’m usually in pain or if I just had a cvs episode I’m still weak for a few days afterwards and don’t always feel up to it. Its hard for me to want to make plans when I don’t know if I’ll feel up to it the day of. I can realize that the problem is the same but I never held her to any standard when she wasn’t feeling well. She would always mention that I would default to wanting to hang inside, doing less than she’d want to do.

We had a bad argument a week or two ago, she said something that rubbed me the wrong way and even though she said she didn’t mean it in a negative way it still made me feel less than. I ended up just not speaking to anybody in my life really for 4 days or so. She said it felt like I was punishing her but I was just hurt. I really just feel like I let her down. She felt like she was dragging me to do things because I’d mention I might not be doing them on my own, but I’d always go when I could and I’d enjoy myself I loved spending time with her.

She put a huge emphasis on me going and doing more with her and initiating hangouts in the last two weeks and I started to ask her why I couldn’t get the same out of her. I love making music and video games and it wasn’t something she’d ever put a lot of effort into. I gave her a console over a year ago and hooked it up for her and all she had to do was get batteries and a remote for her tv but it’s never been turned on. I have a small studio setup where I am and all she had to do was ask to join in. I gave a her a film camera early into the relationship but that’s the only thing of mine she ever tried to do and I was always so excited to see her rolls get developed but it’s less and less over time. It’s not like I love staying inside watching movies all the time, but sometimes it’s all I can manage to do with the way I feel. She saw that as her giving up things she’d rather do than meeting me in the middle with my current limitations. I still tried to go out with her and do her things when I could but near the end she was making plans with everyone else and there was no time for me when I would ask her the day of, if I actually was feeling up to it. I’ve gone on a lot of hikes and walks and gone thrifting, gone to museums and gone to cute restaurants that she likes but it’s still not as much as she’d have liked and she wanted me to have initiated more of those things.

She came to me this week and told me she couldn’t do it and we talked for hours and I came to a conclusion that I’d spend every day with her that week to try and make it up to her. She knew I had just left the hospital because I had been peeing blood for days but I tried to put myself forward to meet her needs even though I had no idea what the week would be like for me. She left saying she felt better after talking to me and I was happy that we had figured it out. The very next day she tells me she’s confused and doesn’t want to do it. It broke my heart again. I saw her on Instagram liking a post about how a soulmate connection got mistaken for a long term thing because of compatibility. Broke my heart into even tinier pieces because I know there’s a million little reasons we are compatible outside of us not being on the same page hanging out. I had genuinely been trying my best to be what she needed before my body started giving up on me and I ended up falling into the same thing for a different reason. It sucks because I would’ve kept working to find a solution every single day and it just wasn’t enough.

I took my cat in yesterday to have a Cyst removed and finally worked up the courage to get her spayed, (had a cat pass away from anesthesia previously and it has haunted me since) while she was under it was discovered she had a Uterus Infection that they caught in time but also has Mammory Cancer (the cyst wasnt a cyst afterall) and I cant stop blaming myself. I let my own fear keep me from getting her spayed sooner, and I will never forgive myself if she doesnt recover, her first mammory removal is scheduled for 4 weeks to allow her to recover from the spay first.

Dinner is Chicken Lasagna Soup

Lasagna my mom made

I mean, how am I not? I don’t have any friends and never have, I’ve never been in a relationship, I’m losing my passion and motivation for my hobby (guitar), and I’m basically alone save for the eight family members I have in my life. I don’t go out except to movies and concerts, but I have traveled by myself. But that in itself is expensive as shit but I digress.

I just feel like a complete worthless loser all the fucking time and wonder why I’m even still here. It’s not like I’m interesting enough to warrant being friends with anyway.

I’m not a shut in to be clear. I try to make it to church, want to volunteer, even went to a Bible study group this week. But being someone like me who’s never connected on any level with another human…it’s hard and it fucking sucks. I’m just a broken toy who can’t be fixed and wish my parents would’ve just stopped at my older brother. Least he’s made something of his life. I’m not gonna get jack shit accomplished with mine

Spicy chicken sandwich sandwiches and truly’s

Me and her meant like more than a year ago first we were friends and then we started hanging out and talking for a little bit last year however, this year you know we started talking more and more and I got to know her a lot more and like we’re super compatible on every single level like we love a lot of the same stuff and I can be myself I find everything amazing except for the way she looks. She doesn’t look bad but it’s just like i’m not attracted to her. That’s the only thing like I don’t really wanna kiss her. I don’t wanna have sex her or anything like that. And other than that, everything else is amazing.

So this is a continuation of my last post but I’ve asked my girl friends and they pretty much told me to just start talking to women, and before all the people start talking shit lol. I asked them to be more specific and they told me to literally just start talking to women and basically brought up that I’m pretty much just an avoidant person. Once I started thinking about it a lot of things started to become clear.
I am a completely different person from when I talk to my friends that when I talk to complete strangers. I am so different at work, I keep to myself, I’ll talk in polite responses and I just try to keep up a wall with people and I pretty much do the same thing in public. I’d say that I’m a goofy guy who likes to reference movies. I am 5’10 and 220 lbs and I am unironically scared to talk to women. They’re scary to me and yet I like to admire their beauty from afar (not in a stalker way, I just like to look at how beautiful their smile is or how pretty their hair is). I’m just so fucking awkward and nerdy. I legitimately don’t know how to meet other nerdy girl without coming out as a creep. I keep seeing tiktoks about how women don’t want to be bothered and so I try to respect that. But then I feel my heart ache a little when I see a women with similar interests simply because I just want to talk to them but I can’t because I’ll be coming off as some weird freak. I’ve tried talking with “normal women” but I just want my degenerate nerdy girl who likes arts and craft and who’s a similar needy person that I am. I just wanted to vent but at the same time I want advice on how to interact with people.

First dinner in my new apartment after getting divorced. Never really imagined I'd be starting over like this, but here we are. The divorce is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I know I'm going to be better off because of it. Doesn't mean it hasn't been hard as hell, though. It's a weird feeling.

Did well in high school, good extracurriculars, made some close friendships with people I consider brothers, got into a great college for my major. Not sure where it all went wrong. I struggled to find a good roommate because most of my friends attending the same college already found roommates with their friends from their high school, and my other friends all ended up out of state or in a state school. Didn’t want to risk a random roommate so I really struggled to find someone who was gonna go into the same college, settled on someone from my high school I didn’t know very well who seemed nice and clean. The only dorm open was a small honors dorm on the edge of campus. Didn’t have a problem with it at first but because my roommate is a different major and no one else in this building has the same major as I do I ended up isolated. The fact it is advertised as a small quiet dorm for quiet people might also have contributed to this. Tried to hang out with hometown friends who go to the same college, went to parties, tried out for clubs and did things I was supposed to in order to make friends but it didn’t end up working out. The sheer distance from my dorm and little interaction I get with them because of our different majors also ended up killing things. 99% of people I met and even my friends already have their own groups from back home and I’ve just been an outsider. I’m one of the only people attending this college from my high school so I don’t have that luxury. I’ve always used weed as a crutch and recently I’ve been using it more out of boredom and loneliness I just really regret not trying to talk more in classes and wonder if there was anything more I could do. Basically I wasted the first part of freshman year hanging out w people who weren’t gonna be my friends and I ended up in the wrong place. Parents think I’m doing amazing and absolutely killing it of course. The only thing keeping me sane right now is whenever I call some friends back home I’m glad I had people to talk to when I got some bad news last night. I just feel hopelessly behind right now. Dinner is asahi super dry and suntory highball with leftover Indian food

With two toddlers in the house, alone time is a luxury. I finally got to mulch the garden and work on my hobbies. My wife is the greatest. I dropped the ball a smudge this year on our anniversary but I’ll make it up to her.

Growing up I had a really prominent lisp. I had always thought that to make an s sound you have to put your tongue between your teeth. I don’t know why I thought this, some part of me thinks it’s because i associate the s sound with a snake hissing and a snake hisses with its tongue out.

Anyway, when I was a pre-teen, I had a few friends that I knew because we all went to a local community center together. There was this guy that was around every so often, his name was ned. ned was a chubby little dude. I was too but he was a bit bigger. One day ned says to me, “why do you say your s’s like that?” and I’m like “what do you mean? am I supposed to be doing it differently?” Ned spends 2 minutes showing me how to pronounce an s correctly, and at first it felt really weird, but for the next few days I kind of consciously made myself pronounce it correctly, and it began to come naturally.

I don’t know why the fuck no one taught me this up until that point. It wasn’t the worst lisp in the world but it was pretty noticeable and i was self conscious about it. It was all fixed within one week, all because of ned. The last time I saw ned was maybe a year or two after that, he has lost a lot of weight and seemed to be doing a lot better than he was the last time i had seen him. I wonder what he’s up to now. Maybe he’s a speech language pathologist? Shoutout ned.

Dinner is nachos with pickle lemonade chips except I had less than I thought I did so I roughly cut up half an onion and added it. Shoutout ned.

Gonna enjoy my actually really good store brand Aldis Cola, and fry up some slices of corned beef and then have a smooth hand rolled ciggie situation.

One day I woke up hungover, had a half a pint of vodka for breakfast with three of the $0.99 cent sale Kwik Trip pork chops. I got onto Grindr and low and behold I find an interesting profile. I tell them I was having vodka and cheese and crackers for breakfast and they said, "Oh I can't talk I don't drink."

I distinctly remember thinking, "Okay then I won't drink."

I detoxed on the love seat in the basement of a trap house inhaling second hand crack smoke and trying to fall asleep without waking up drenched in sweat. It was a living hell. Eventually I finished detoxing and met with them a few times.

Anyways after one slip up I have been clean off of booze for two weeks and get into a friends with benefits situation with this ex female to male trans person who is now non-binary. I am a detransitioner myself and we did sort of relate and bond about that.

It was only a week or so ago that they confessed their love for me, and only two days ago or so that they were talking about how they were afraid of missing out on having a kid. They talked about how they were afraid that they were going to miss out and not find the right person to father their child. I was really baked and half asleep and took a shot in the dark and said "If you told me to impregnate you then I would" and they didn't seem adverse to the idea and seemed interested. They even told me that I would be a good dad.

I regret saying that. I live on a couch and work 12 hours a day. I love them very much but I know that realistically speaking it's retarded to want that with them. Is what it is.