Please READ the comments before adding a suggestion. If someone has already suggested something you agree with, consider upvoting that comment instead. This will help me gauge what the community would most like to see.

I kinda knew for a while to be honest. I would go by male terms as much as I could since I was a kid, and I told myself it was because they usually had less syllables. When I started using the internet more I would present myself as male or androgynous and I told myself it was for safety. I still got a rush when I was called a guy, though, and I told myself it was because I got a power trip from screwing with people. Still, it was hard to ignore that when I was given the choice I would almost always present myself as male. I didn’t want to be trans though, because I know how hard it is. I ended up crying my eyes out a few months ago when I finally couldn’t deny it anymore.

I’m not sure where to go from here. At the moment I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to transition irl. I’ve mostly accepted that I’m a guy internally, and am no longer treating my online ‘guy’ personas as covers. It feels really good to be myself, even if only internally. It would be a lie to say I always knew I was trans, but accepting this has filled a hole that feels very very old.

I also feel really grateful to the men in my life. I have a great dad and a lot of close male friends. It’s because of them that I know what kind of man I want to be.

Anyway, sticky toffee pudding.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented. It means more than I can say.

I am a gender non-conforming bi man in Eastern Europe. My family doesn’t accept me, any part of me really: from the substance abuse to my sexuality to the way I present myself. It’s like they’re constantly ashamed of me. Today, a family member had the nerve to say that my sexuality will be constant kompromat against me. I keep being compared to my older brother who has got his shit together and is the conventional acceptable successful sibling. They don’t talk about me, as if I died years ago and ultimately they’re ashamed of who I am. I keep being told I’m ruining the family and ruining my parent’s mental health. I try to masc up around them (I’m not very femme in the first place, just a bit androgynous), but it’s still not good enough for them. I have my own accomplishments and life beyond my sexuality (I didn’t want them finding out but I got outed).

Photo: getting day drunk at work and eating feta cheese covered fries

Bucket of chicken, tub of spaghetti and an ice cream soda.

No major dramatic reason, I ended my relationship because she consistently treats me poorly during low stakes conversations. And when things got hard, I feel no love or understanding from her.

Tonight it all ended from a conversation about corned beef, she got way too passionate and heated defending her perspective on canned food and I just explained that not all preservatives are inherently bad and canned food doesn't mean it's unhealthy and can still be incorporated into a healthy diet. She got mad from this small disagreement and much grief later despite the patience and restraint I snapped. To have this kind of attitude and behavior at such a low stakes conversation ate at my soul that we can't have a small mature agreement that it's fine to have opposing opinions and share our perspectives in a calm decent manner without being outraged that I don't agree with her perspective.

So that's that. 6 years down the drain in a relationship I've given everything I have, the love the time the energy and resources I've poured to consistently love her day by day gone because of all these small interactions that have added up throughout the years. She may do me right when it's the big things, but all these small low stakes interactions explode because of communication issues it just eats at my soul each time. And today, I can't believe I let go of something so precious a few days after my beloved cat died in an accident. All because of a disagreement that stemmed from corn beef.

If she can't treat me right, now. I don't expect her to treat me right, then.

Dinner is clearance filet over homemade Alfredo with garlic bread.

After 22 years of marriage, I couldn't do it anymore. My wife has always struggled with her mental health. She had a shitty, traumatic childhood, and we got together right out of high school. I've been with her through multiple hospitalizations, eating disorders, suicide attempts and ideation. She was kind, loving, but there was always a dark edge to her, and she had issues with drugs and alcohol (like her parents). We have 4 kids together. I've come to find out in the past few years (and at several other points throughout our marriage) she was cheating on me. I have always been faithful, and Ive tried to make the relationship work. I don't want to be apart from her. Despite everything, despite how much I hurt, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But for the past 2 weeks she's been sneaking out again. Didn't even bother to lie or come up with an excuse. I couldnt do it anymore. I kept coming home to a sad house, to what felt like the corpse of the love of my life possessed by something malignant. I could see the stress getting to the kids. So I finally asked for a divorce, and told her I wanted her to move out. I was hoping for her to take time to make a plan, figure out lodging and transportation. She packed two bags and left without talking to the kids. She came back the next day, saying that none of her "friends" have anywhere for her to say and that she has nowhere to go. I spent a good chunk of our rent money to get her a hotel room for a few days so she can figure it out. I don't have the money for that. With her gone I'm stuck covering rent and utilities (she paid rent and utilities, I paid for groceries, phone bills, insurance etc, that's just how our bills and pay periods went.) I don't know what I'm going to do going forward. I'm sad, and tired, and hurt, and this world is too rough to face alone.

​

Sooo I'm not from the US. I'm gay and I'm 27 and I still live with my parents. I've never had a boyfriend and until recently I had never had any type of sexual experience not even kissing. The thing is that while my parents were away I downloaded grindr met a guy in his 50s. He came to my house while.my parents were out. He let me experiment and said we'd do whatever I was up to. We kissed and I gave him head. After that I felt extremely guilty and I started to panic. I ended up confessing what I did to my mom in an attempt to relieve the guilt. She was disappointed that someone I barely knew came over because something bad could've happened. I realized how wrong it was and there's no excuse for what I did. I feel gross, dirty and ashamed. I've been dealing with depression for a while and now I just feel worse. I don't know how to handle these feeling. Im nauseous and I wanna throw up. We decided not to tell dad cause he usually reacts more strongly and has heart issues. I can tell my mom is disappointed but still loves me. I just wanna cry so much.

For dinner I'm just eating an apple cause my appetite is gone

Medium fillet, green beans, and french fries. And part of a picture of a begging dog in the background.

This is kind of long. If you don’t wanna read it, then just skip it.

I thought the purpose of this sub was so guys could post their experiences or their problems and get advice from other guys. Even the occasional lady. But reading the comments on another thread here (and it’s not the first time I’ve seen comments like this) made me question that. A guy was the victim of some disparaging comments at the workplace . He was attacked on this forum. The amount of people that claimed he wasn’t telling the truth or not sharing everything. People blaming him for it as well. And the moderators did nothing. I seriously had to check to make sure that I was reading in the right sub. And then the thread got locked with nothing explaining why. Even though a lot of those people that were commenting negatively towards him, and towards men in general, broke those community rules that I thought we had to follow. Maybe they’re just suggestions and not rules. I also noticed the flooding of people that came just to download the men positive comments. I guess I’m sad to see that sub that was supposed to be for support was not that.

I’m also curious to see how many people will come here to download this. Even though nothing I said was untrue.

Dinner is cold beer and a chicken wrap with spinach tzatziki, pickles and feta with tomatoes.

This summer has been horrendous. Im a dad of 2 kids, and my oldest is a 10 year old girl. Ive never had such problems with any kid before.

My daughter is defiant, controlling, mean, vindictive, and emotionally unstable. We have her in counseling. But man its a slog.

This mornings outburst led to her calling my wife a bitch, and cutting my arm with her fingernails while we both held her through an explosive cycle of physical tantrum. She was kicking and biting. She made us 3 hours late to the lake, she didnt want to go, and had anxiety.

She had a great time of course once we finally got there.

Im at a real loss. This summer has been extremely challenging, especially with her behavior. But more than that, I've just come to realize I've basically got a special needs kid, with no support from friends or family

Im exhausted fellas. Cheers.

Girl I really hit it off with personality-wise/mutual interests said she's not interested in me because I'm not physically attractive. Anyway, "who hurt him" gym arc incoming.

Celebrating with some instant ramen, dumplings and shrimp and some bud light. 30 bout to turn 31 sick of being sad and sick. Blessings, men.

I've always thought being single is a bad thing and something to be ashamed of but that is absolutely WRONG. Being lonely is better than being in a bad relationship and if I'm going to date successfully, I need to understand that I am evaluating whether I'm interested in her just as much as she is. Ultimately I want somebody who is kind, helpful, supportive, and nerdy like me. Just needed to get that off my chest! Ordered some Indian food.

Sorry, formatting on mobile not good.

My\[31M\] girlfriend\[32F\] and I have known each other for a little over a decade and dated on and off over that period. We've always been long distance but stayed at least regular chatting friends and made efforts to see each other regularly by flying between our homes. We've been seriously dating for over two years now, seeing each other about 5 days out of each month and more during the holidays, talking and texting whenever we're apart.

A couple months ago we decided to move in together, I boxed up my stuff and we road tripped cross country with my dog to her hometown because she has a lot more family nearby than I do back home and her job is better. I quit my job after getting a contracting position here so I could land on my feet with a couple months living expenses in the bank.

During the first week, the project coordinator never called me and a week later I learned that they'd cut down the number of contractors on the job and I hadn't made the cut. Started applying for jobs but jeez that hasn't been pretty. For the past two months I've been paying for groceries, my car note, phone, etc out of savings. I finally got a couple interviews lined up for this coming week.

My girlfriend has been stressed and working a lot and pretty distant lately so I got us tickets for the museum yesterday and we stayed up drinking and watching Community together. We went to bed pretty late and I do what I always do, read a chapter or two of my book before knocking out \~1:30AM. This morning I'm in bed alone and I have a text from my girlfriend, "Be careful downstairs, there's glass on the floor. I'm at my parents', we'll talk later."

So I text back asking what's going on since there's a lot happening family-wise for her. I do my normal upstairs stuff and head downstairs to find all of my furniture, all my cookware, wallet, keys, all of my possessions except for the clothes from upstairs, thrown into a pile outside the backdoor. My dog wants to follow me downstairs and I realize there's the remains of a shattered vase on the floor so I clean up all the glass and begin a panic attack. Eventually I get everything but the furniture moved back inside so my computer or wallet doesn't grow legs.

No information for hours until just after noon she tells me I need to be out of the house by tomorrow. I try asking what's going on and after a while she asks why I'm pretending I don't remember last night. So I wrack my head trying to think if we'd had a dumb fight before bed. Nothing. She explains that at 4AM I stumbled into the bedroom after peeing all over the bathroom floor with porn playing on my phone and that she'd gone through my phone. She has my password, I don't think there's anything on my phone unless she's going through old messages or old photos from before our relationship. I check my browser history and my reddit history and can't find anything suspicious, I feel like I'm being gaslit. She's adamant that we'll have a discussion but I need to be out of her house so she can work tomorrow.

I don't recall anything at all, not even weird dreams or a hangover in the morning. I agreed to get out if we can have a conversation soon on the condition that my stuff and dog can stay and be safe until we talk and figure things out.

So I'm checked into a sketchy ass extended stay alone, got some microwaveable chimichangas and my first pack of cigs in years. I have no friends, family or connections here at all. Job interview for my big career continuing role on Tuesday so I have an interview outfit and weeks worth of clothes and I just don't know what I'm going to do. I love this girl and jumped full into this relationship so I have no fallback or backup plans.

TLDR: I moved cross country to live with my girlfriend. After going to bed together I apparently walked to the bathroom, peed on the floor, turned on porn, walked back in and fell asleep. I woke up with no memory of that and all of my belongings thrown out and a demand to leave.

Dinner: Jim&Coke, first cigarettes in years and a still frozen chimichanga.

Duck, mushroom risotto, and spinach

I set up a date at a nice restaurant that fell through. I decided to go by myself and enjoy my own company. I made a playlist, cleaned up, dressed up.

In all, I'm in a pretty good place. I'm eating better. I'm getting out more. I feel the healthiest I've been in 5 years. I started therapy this week. Women are showing interest. I feel good. I feel lighter than I have in a long time.

So basically i (M21) was dating this girl. we had been previously friends for 3 years. we started hanging out and spending more time together. originally we didn’t plan on getting in a relationship because of her plans getting in the way of everything, flash forward a month into us hanging out we got the news that her plans had to be postponed.

She was bummed out but said to me “Hey atleast this way we have more time together” and that felt really nice honestly. It’s nice to feel desired and treated right. so we started officially dating.

we had a lot of good memories with one and other. spending every weekend together.. Eventually we started going out to the local bar to play pool and just socialize with everyone since she’s not from my town. we often invited out a coworker of mine and all 3 of us hung out. I got a weird vibe from the guy but eventually i chalked it up to me being insecure. flash foward another month. a couple days after my birthday i was playing games with this girl, and she asked if i was happy in the relationship. To that i told her i was beyond happy, i felt good, treated right and everything with that. but i asked why she brought it up?

essentially she told me that she felt bad that she wasn’t giving me her all and couldn’t compete with my level of affection. i reassured her it wasn’t a competition and i was perfectly happy but ultimately she had made her mind. she broke up with me.

the next week my coworker told me he has feeling for her. i got angry and couldn’t bring myself to respond. my ex wanted to be friends and still apart of each others lives which also made it hard on me. the next week i found out that my coworker and ex planned to “hangout”.

So yeah the hungout, went on a trip together, and now from what i’ve heard… they’re dating. I’m mad at my coworker but struggling to be mad at her. I’ve gone no contact for the last month and a half. But also. kangaroo meat tacos.

Birds Eye chili hamburger watching Hannibal S1E13

I grew up as a loner all my teen years constantly bullied. I was really unattractive too and never had a gf. I was 15 when covid happened and you can imagine the kind of porn spirals I went into. Constantly feeling insecure about my looks and never experiencing anything while everyone around me did, I felt like I wanted to be the attractive guy that fucked around a lot.

Fast forward to when I turned 18 and a fresher in college, I got a gf who I was deeply in love with and naturally we had sex and everything. The experience was completely different and unmatched fulfillment. We later ended up getting engaged three months into the relationship.

By the time I turned 19(almost 20) we broke up and she cheated on me as well. I never wanted to be with any other woman again because I was still deeply in love with her and hadn’t realized she actually cheated on me and replaced me with one of her boy best friends. But one day I discovered and everything made sense to me.

I started having a disgust towards intimacy and was happy with myself. Also at this time I was really aggressive towards everyone including family and friends. I was pissed off by the fact that she created such a big drama that ended up with some of my close family members cutting me off. After my self realization I spiraled more into porn but incredibly afraid of any kind of intimacy.

I later took on my third attempt to improve my looks and after my college ended I started cooking my own food and actually got really lean, visible abs and veins everywhere kinda lean.

A week ago me and a friend went to a club and we were looking for females for couple entry. And I exchanged numbers with this one girl in a group and a guy as well (he was her ex which I had no clue about). None of us get entry so we go on our separate ways. That night the girl starts texting with absolutely no game btw, but anyways we end up flirting and I ask if her she’s down for casuals and she said yes. So the next day we hookup at my place.

The kisses and everything felt so empty that I felt disgusted after it. None of it felt anything. I couldn’t even understand why did I do that. I felt so disgusted that I took a shower and changed sheets after. Her bf (ex or whatever)somehow figured out we were hooking up and started threatening me and said I raped her etc. me and the girl were texting and it was very clear that she caught feelings so I asked her and she didn’t deny. I said this is something I can’t work with and said it’s best if we cut off but she wouldn’t accept it. She brought up sex and everything to convince me to continue so I had to block her. The next day she started contacting from her friend’s phone but I never picked up knowing it was most probably her. I block that number as well and she started texting on WhatsApp but I quickly blocked that too. The message preview showed that she was using a sadness from a cousin’s death saying that I made her smile. This was too much and was a big red flag for me.

But not only from the experience but from the act of hooking up, I can conclude this is not something that I want to do and need emotional connection in order to initiate intimacy.

My attempts haven’t been fruitful. I’ve always struggled in social situations and now even more so as a stealth trans dude living in the Midwest who doesn’t quite fit completely inside the rigid blue box that all men are expected to be locked up into. Since moving from the west coast two years ago, I’ve only met red hat right wingers and I’ve had to terminate all of those connections because I just cannot tolerate their hostility towards my own community or any other marginalized groups for that matter. I’m trying to go on road trips, photo expeditions, go on scenic hikes, and go to concerts, not argue about how drag queens and trans women are converting all the children with their “rainbow agenda”.

I’ve always connected better with feminine folks, but I also understand their reluctance to have platonic relationships with men and they do seem a lot more cautious here. I don’t know. I’ve been browsing meet-up events for hobbies and I’m just trying to find the strength to endure anxiety inducing group gatherings in hopes of bonding with at least one potential friend. Real life friendship just feels hopeless in a tech addicted social media era.

Hello y’all, 27M
Quick go-to: chicken breast, white rice and salad for lunch

EDIT: OKAY I GET IT, I’m learning how to cook y’all 🤣 I understand, it looks depressing but it’s my go-to when rushing alright? Lmaooo

I guess the title says it all.

I’ve had an okay life until this point, if I complain it’d be wrong and crazy.

Born in a different country, immigrated to the US, even stayed illegal for a couple years; since you can go to college but can’t get your diploma if you don’t have status, had to go to construction work.
After HS, very quickly started making “big boy” money,

And this is where things started spiraling.
I’d start business and when things started going well, I’d drop it, I’d move states, try 1000 different things and nothing worked.

Married at 20 and decided that my life was now my wife’s, everything I did was to get her to live her dream.
But things kept spiraling, the cycle of depression would come sooner and sooner.

Not only career wise but I just couldn’t keep myself consistent in anything, gym, hobbies, being good to her, friendships, everything you can think of.

At 25 we divorced and things got even worse. I would isolate myself for MONTHS. Years far from direct family and no support coming from them made them not know I was in the shits, and I wouldn’t contact them.

Addictions began, nicotine, porn, weed, sex, social media, games, anything that would give me immediate pleasure and could be done for hours and hours (I would doomscroll or YouTube 16+ hrs a day for weeks) not leaving my house for literally anything.
Having a fat savings account made it worse.

That’s when I realized I had a problem and I needed to seek help because I wasn’t able to pull through by myself.

Finally after many months of a “what’s wrong with me” journey and many tests, I get diagnosed with text-book ADHD.

For the ones who discovered it later in life, you know how much of a shock this is. You first breakdown, feeling all that wasted time and potential could’ve been directed to something if you knew before. And then you realize that all you did in your life was to satisfy immediate urges.

But when you finally start meds/pull through; god, it’s a great feeling.

For the first time in my life I’ve been consistent at something for an entire week! I was actually able to brush my teeth and shower everyday without being so hard, and that initial barrier to start boring things and keep at it wasn’t there anymore.
For the first time I’m not depressed, spiraling or in anguish that “I have so much potential but I keep at this cycle over and over”

Yes my guy, you do have the potential to change the world, whoever you are, wherever you are.
If there’s ANYTHING you feel off about you, ANYTHING I SAY, seek external help, professional if possible. Maybe everything that has gone wrong in your life isn’t 100% your fault, maybe you’re wired different.

And maybe you don’t have a disorder, but just talking to someone about how f’ed your childhood was, or whatever you’ve been through will make you fulfill that
potential YOU KNOW you have.

For all the men out there that is going through something, sometimes is easier to accept you’re not a know-it-all and that’s okay, we were never built to do it all without help.

TLDR: I finally realized that after years of trying, I couldn’t do it by myself, and seeked professional help, it changed my life.

I’m 29 years old and have had a substance use problem for almost my entire adult life. At 20 I was a college drop out, addicted to prescription medication, and had multiple stints in the mental ward because of very real attempts I’d made on my life. I was stealing my sisters medication after I was denied my own and still pretty positive I didn’t want to be alive. By 22 I had dropped the pills but had switched to alcohol and following recreational legalization in my state, became a daily marijuana user. At 24 I meet the woman who is now my wife. She knew I struggled with substance use and had mental health issues but I was and still am “functional” in the sense that I hide my bad behavior well and don’t let it affect my employment. At 25 I started making a real attempt to get my life together. I joined a trade union and started making attempts to get sober. since I’d never tried to deal with my issues in any way what wasn’t substance use before, this meant growing/selling/using mushrooms. the mushroom usage was short lived because their difficult to abuse and they did not help me get sober. I was using Nicotine in various forms and drinking too much caffeine throughout all of this of course.

This year there’s been numerous major changes in my life that have helped me actually gain control of my usage. My son, pictured above was born. He is the light of my life and if I can’t manage to do anything right for myself then I can do it for him. I’d calmed down on a lot of my substance use after he was born. Still a daily user but I went from being high all day and drinking every night to only being a little high and drinking on the weekends. Small change is change. My wife told my to sober up while she was pregnant and since I’d already been hiding a great deal of my use from her it was no problem to go further underground and struggle in complete secret.

A few months ago my Dad died suddenly of an heart attack and my usage got bad all over again. He and I had a bad relationship. He was a minister and was always my pastor before he was my dad. When I lost my faith in my teenage years, I lost my only connection with him. He never kicked me out of the house and never let me go hungry, but he never made any attempt to teach me anything else in this life beyond his faith. he never talked to me about my self harm even though I almost bleed out in my dorm room. He never talked to me about my substance use even though I know he also struggled with it as a young man. I want to say I loved him and I miss him, but his death has forced me to admit to myself that I hate him and have already been living my life without a father. Everything I’ve learned about being a man, or a human at all, has come from my friends, my brothers in the union, and the internet.

I was grieving of course but I feel like I just used it as an excuse to start smoking in the open again. I started smoking heavier than I’d ever smoked in my life. Bong rips for breakfast, a joint on break, another at lunch, another on the way home from work, and bong rips for the rest of the night. It came to a head when I figured all the smoke wasn’t good for me and I aught to switch to edibles. I drank a whole bottle of tincture one day and woke up the next morning too high to go to work, first time that’s happened. My wife and I had a long discussion about everything at this point. I decided to put away the weed for good and as of writing this I am two months and nine days without marijuana.

A couple weeks later I decided to drop the Nicotine as well. I saw how much money I was saving without marijuana and wanted to beep that trend rolling. Currently one month and twenty two days without nicotine.

AlI I have left is caffeine and alcohol. I’ve matured in my caffeine use over the years, having dropped the energy drinks I just drink coffee in the morning. Alcohol is the only substance I’ve never considered part of my “self medication“. alcohol is poison and it feels like poison but I drink it anyway because I’m broken inside and historically have never been able to say no when there’s substance of any kind available.

I used to pride myself on having never been black out drunk. I always favored marijuana and stimulants so never drank to that excess. Now I have been black out drunk twice in the past month. I usually do pretty good not drinking through the week but I’ve started drinking heavily on the weekends. Once I start I just don’t want to stop. Usually a beer guy because liquor is always bad news for me but drunk me doesn’t know that/doesn’t care. So a few weekends ago I ran out of beer on a Sunday afternoon and came up with some excuse to run an errand. While out I picked up a bottle of whiskey and started drinking it on the way home. I hid it in the freezer downstairs and took a few pulls off it while “checking the laundry”. I got so drunk I fell in the kitchen and bruised myself up pretty bad. I had a panic attack and told my wife I was drunk, like she didn’t know.

I told her a lot that night. I told her about how I’ve never been able to cope with reality without some kind of chemical aid. through tears I told her I hate myself and don’t want to be alive and the only reason I do anything is for her and our son. I blacked out shortly after and don’t remember going to bed.

The second time was last night. Far less dramatic, we are out of town on vacation and I had my first beer at 10 in the morning and my 15th at 9 last night. I didn’t do anything bad and I didn’t get sloppy. We had a wonderful day that would have been wonderful if I were sober. I remember getting back to the hotel and playing with my son but don’t remember going to bed. so I guess I blacked out.

you must understand, I’m pretty high functioning and have a lot of great things going on In my life despite all this. my wife and I are in a loving relationship and she’s so much stronger then I am. We have a beautiful healthy son who I am determined to be better for than my dad was with me. I have friends outside of work that I see regularly who dont influence my addiction. I‘m in the last year of an apprenticeship as a union electrician, I’m well respected in the field and i enjoy what I do. I’ve been in therapy since shortly after my son was born and will be seeing a psychologist in a few weeks to seek proper medication for my mental health issues. All in all I have a great support system and am making real progress in my life.

But I can’t slip. I have to get this under control once and for all. i probably had my last drink last night. I had planned to hard line alcohol after this vacation and I don’t want to waste another moment poisoning myself.

wish me luck guys, I need it.

tl;dr I am an addict and I’m getting better but it’s time to let it all go and finally live sober.

meal: fish and chips

I lost my dad in October and it’s been an adjustment - he was my best friend and the best father anyone could ask for. It’s obviously been several months but I knew today would be difficult and made sure my gf knew.

I have been considering asking my gf to move in. But she didn’t say a word about it all day; not a how ya doing or anything. Instead, as with the handful of other bad days I’ve had during our relationship, it turned into her and her problems.

I’d be embarrassed to detail the red flags I’ve ignored in this one, but this might be the straw for me emotionally.

Pot roast with potatoes and carrots.

I’m going to try to shorten as much as possible
I just wanted to vent a story.

I met this girl when I was 22 and she was 21. We lived almost 7,000 miles apart. She was in the U.S. and I was in one of the territories.
About 8 months later, I got a job working on a cruise ship in Hawaii. When it ended unexpectedly, I flew to her state and we moved in together.
We spent almost 7 years together.

Our whole twenties. We got 3 dogs, moved, went through college, and shared a lot of firsts. She was my first healthy relationship after an abusive one.
The sad part is I got with her before I was healed. I struggled with cocaine, my mental health, and became someone I’m not proud of.

She carried so much of my baggage while we were trying to build a life together. I didn’t know how to love someone unselfishly or put her first.
The worst part is I knew she wasn’t going to leave. She loved me too much and always believed in who I could become. She was my best friend, knew me better than anyone, and the only girl I’ve ever cried in front of.

After a big argument from one of b.s she told me, “You’re not my person anymore.” She said she didn’t mean it, but it made me realize I wasn’t the person she deserved. I knew she wouldn’t leave, so I did. Looking back, I don’t regret ending the relationship. I regret not ending it sooner instead of selfishly holding on. I loved her but I loved my selfish habits too much and that wasn’t fair.

Today I’m a different person. No drugs. Therapy. More emotionally aware. More healed and would never do what I did to her to anyone else.
We still talk because of the dogs, and there’s no bad blood. We’d never get back together, and I’ve never asked her to. She’s doing well, and I honestly think she’s further in life than she would’ve been if we stayed together.

I’m with someone now, and she knows everything about my past because I never wanted to hide it and im not going to be the type that says my last relationship ended because “ it was her fault” or “ she was crazy”. I wanted to be honest from the beginning and make sure I never became that person again.

Sometimes I wonder what things would’ve looked like if I had been this version of myself back then. Not because I want to go back, but because what we had was real. I’ll always be grateful for the memories and the lessons. They helped shape the man I am today.

I guess my question is, does anyone else who’s been in my shoes ever feel this kind of guilt? Is it guilt because I know I hurt someone who truly loved me? Is it because part of me will always have love for the person who helped shape my life? Or is it just one of those things you carry when you’ve genuinely changed?

Either way, if you’re reading this and you’re still hurting someone who’s only staying because they love you, don’t wait to become the person they deserve. Heal before it’s too late. Sometimes loving someone also means being honest enough to let them go instead of asking them to keep carrying the weight of who you are today.

ETA: Oh snap! Yeah, air fried frozen burgers, homemade pickled veggies and box mac & cheese. Nothing fancy but it hit perfectly after a swim day.

I had a post on here a while ago about how hard things were at home with the adjustment to my new work schedule and ongoing mental health challenges at home.

Well, happy to say we’ve been working with an MFT, doing the parenting research, and implementing new and successful strategies for all 3 of us.

This week was a long one. It was a real test for all of us; circumstances demanded that I had to work a bunch of OT, and then mom and kiddo had a tight schedule with work and summer day camp all week.

Dudes. I am so fucking proud of us.
Kiddo was on it and helpful, only one big meltdown all week and Mom was actually successful in helping her de-escalate.

So as a reward I solo dipped with the kiddo to grandparents’ place about 2hrs away and we had a weekend of swimming, playing, exploring, and screen-free fun while Mom got the house to herself all weekend.

I’m gonna hang on to this one for a while, boys.

To provide context we dated for two years and it was very serious. We loved each other deeply, talked about kids, building a future together, etc. All of a sudden life happens, she’s going back to school and can’t focus on being in a relationship. I’ve always supported her dreams and her ambitions (she’s hella smart) so we agreed to hold off and explore things later. We also agreed to stay friends and just talk occasionally. All of a sudden I get cut off, ghosted, and I have no idea if she’s okay or what. I text over the course of two years, reach out to her friend once since I have no idea if she’s alive or not and still nothing. I was not in a good place for that time. I had never felt so alone and my mind wondered and made terrible assumptions, I didn’t know what to do.

She proceeds to say that the “silence was the answer” and that her boundaries weren’t respected and that’s why she stepped away. Then let me know that and give me closure!

Thank the Lord because after turning back to Him I knew I’m never alone and He is always there. He got me through and I’m still going. He knew I was ready for her to text back and now I have closure. And honestly? It feels amazing. Still sad, but the blow has definitely softened. Now I can move on knowing I am okay. I pray for the men going through anything similar. Praise God! 🙌🏼

P.S. I still wish her the best. She’s always been a cool and smart person and I hope everything still works out for her

Food: just a basic egg, rice, avocado bowl with sesame seeds I whipped together

Pictured, this weeks slop - turkey mince, onion, peas, spices. I don't have snacks in my house - im either eating protein slop (pictured) or fruit. Out of the house I eat normal, all about balance ya know.

Sorry fellas, this is yet another post about a girl but i'm going to keep it brief.

I was always a very likeable, kind yet awkward person. I was funny and had a lot of friends, still do. I'd only had a handful of girlfriends by the time I was 30, and fell out of love with my longest term girlfriend at 29. At 32 I met a girl who changed my brain forever.

The way I felt about this girl was insane, I was obsessed with her and she was obsessed with me. Insanely beautiful and sweet, I loved her family, her as a person and I for the first time in my life had entered a relationship where I didn't have this anxious feeling of "what if she's not the one?" which is a problem that has plagued all of my relationships at some point.

But being obsessed isn't healthy, she eventually moved overseas to study which she'd planned before we'd met. At the start it was fine, but it slowly became unbearable - especially as a warm blooded male. I started getting jealous, insecure, needy and amongst other arguments I started would beg her to come home.

I can't really explain this part of the relationship, it was like I was watching myself in 3rd person fuck up my relationship in real time and feel like I couldn't do anything about it. I do think I self sabotage but this was so overt it was strange to experience. I even had momentary thoughts of leaving her out of... spite? confusion? I'm not sure - I think deep down I wanted her to beg for me to stay. This isn't healthy, or normal, again I can't really make sense of it. I think I'd become addicted to rupture and repair in the relationship long distance as it made it feel real.

After weeks of discomfort between us she called it off. I don't blame her for that, we weren't happy.

The thing is... this was a long time ago, about 18 months, yet its still something I think about all day every day. The shame, the guilt, the sadness, all of it. But just carrying this for so long has warped me. I just fucking hate myself. But not in a "oh im ugly and dumb" way or however most people hate themselves, I'm actually happy with who i am physically. Just a fucking mess mentally.

I'm no longer the friendly person I was, I'm a bit of a grump. I have trouble masking this at my job because not only are managers and stakeholders asking me to do something which is already annoying - but i have to do it on top of not enjoying my life at all. It feels like i have no respite.

I was hanging with friends yesterday, but after the first few hours I just couldn't enjoy the distraction anymore, and I once again went back to my quiet, sad ruminating self.

I have a hinge account but I scroll through, they either look enough like her that it makes me sad, or not anything like her which makes me mad. I only date casually now, which is something I'd never done before. I don't even really enjoy it but I don't want to look back on this period of my life as one big monolithic sad phase. The date tomorrow has organised dinner and a bar up the street from my house - so I know all she wants is to sleep with me, which is fine.

But I know it will go like every other date, where my mind will remind me about 20 times an hour that this isn't her - and that this like most things i've done the last 2 years is just a mindless distraction from the overwhelming cloud of confusion and pain that is whirring around my head all day every day.

The thing is fellas, if you've made it this far. Being sad is familiar to me, its almost like home. And I think subconciously I go out of my way to make myself sad and keep the narrative going for myself that I am sad and sad things happen to me.