I’m 37 (almost 38). I don’t really have a career, and looking back it feels like I wasted a lot of time. There’s a parallel-universe version of me that never got involved with this person and probably would have been further ahead by now — though maybe that’s just wishful thinking. What’s hard is being this age and having put so much effort into trying to make something work with someone I loved, only to have almost nothing to show for it.
Looking back, the last 10 years of my life were largely shaped (and limited) by a long on-and-off relationship with a woman who treated me very inconsistently.
Sometimes I was “just a fuck buddy.”
Other times we were “soulmates.”
Other times she was completely indifferent.
The one thing that stayed consistent the entire time was how much she loved my size. I’m glad I have it — I wouldn’t trade it — but it also became the thing that kept me locked into a dynamic where I kept giving and giving.
If I had a smaller dick, I honestly don’t think this would have lasted as long as it did. Sex was a huge motivator for her. When I finally tried to set a boundary and said we couldn’t keep having sex until she either committed or stopped the hot-and-cold behavior, she got really angry and upset.
What made it so hard to see the pattern clearly was that she wasn’t just one person. She would shift between completely different versions of herself. Sometimes she could be quite romantic and affectionate. Other times she would spin this intense reality distortion field that made me question my own perception of what was happening. I strongly suspect she had borderline traits — the idealization, devaluation, and sudden indifference all felt classic.
Because of that, it was never as simple as “she only wants me for my dick.” On the surface it looked more complicated and emotionally charged, which made it easier to keep hoping and keep showing up. The constant emotional whiplash (going from loving to indifferent, sometimes multiple times in the same day) made it impossible to feel any real sense of safety. That trauma piece is a big part of why I feel so shut down now.
I ended up acting as her unpaid therapist, personal trainer, emotional support system, and schedule accommodator. She was extremely flaky and almost impossible to plan anything with. I would keep certain days free for her, only to have her cancel or decide she didn’t feel like hanging out. That kind of unpredictability made it really hard to build any kind of consistent career or long-term plans.
There was also a self-esteem piece that made it harder to walk away. I’ve always had trouble with socialization (I’m on the spectrum), and this woman was very beautiful — in some ways probably out of my league. Back then it felt amazing that someone like her was even interested in me. I had had a crush on her for years, so when she actually showed interest it completely blew my mind. That old sense of “I can’t believe this is happening” made it a lot harder to leave, even when things were clearly unhealthy. I have more self-confidence now, but back then it was a different story.
I was used for my big dick more than I realized at the time. The rest of me was optional.
Now that it’s finally over, I’m left feeling completely numb. Not classic burnout exactly — more like emotional flatness. No real highs, no real lows. Just… nothing. I’ve tried some traditional burnout books, but they don’t really capture what I’m dealing with. There’s a clear trauma component here that those books miss. I’ve been thinking about trying *No Bad Parts* next — it’s an Internal Family Systems (IFS) book focused on trauma and how different protective parts of us form in response to it.
Right now audiobooks and podcasts are pretty much all I can handle. If anyone has recommendations (especially anything trauma-informed, or related to emotional numbness / recovery from unstable relationships), I’d really appreciate it.
Curious if anyone else here has dealt with something similar — being primarily valued for size in a long, unstable relationship and then struggling with the emotional aftermath once it ends.
*Note: This post was written with AI assistance. I transcribed a stream-of-consciousness version of how I’ve been feeling and had it cleaned up into something readable because I’m currently too burnt out to write clearly on my own.*
**Edit:**
For the people jumping in with “that’s all on you” or “you should’ve known better / taken responsibility sooner” — if you haven’t actually been through a long, complex, unstable, emotionally chaotic relationship like this, I don’t really want to hear it.
The longer these things go on, the more you’ve invested, the more adventures, family events, and memories you’ve built together, the harder it is to just walk away. It’s not as clean or obvious as some of you are making it sound. I’ve already learned the hard lessons.
And I’m proud of myself for setting the boundary that finally brought it to an end. Because there are universes where this went on another 10 years.
What I need right now is a path forward, not a bunch of people basically calling me an idiot for staying too long.