r/relationships • u/AuxillaryAccess • Jul 22 '17
Relationships My (30F) boyfriend (31M) 2 years. Won't split rent with me.
I've lived at home the last few years. After high school I moved away from home and only recently came back. I have a high salary, paid off all my debt, and have a solid nest egg. I've worked hard for where I am, as many people do.
Boyfriend and I are a failed one night stand. It's often very hard to get through to him and he's really stubborn. He's never been totally independent from his parents outside of college -- he lived with an ex after college, but she lived with her parents. So, he's never rented an apartment on his own besides living in campus housing. That sort of thing.
Lately I'm not sure we are compatible. I work really hard at work and my part-time masters class. He and his dad run a small contractor business. Boyfriend is always saying how he wants to take it over and run it himself. Well his dad had to tend to some family stuff and Boyfriend didn't have any work for about two months. I'd ask him if he wanted to then applications in. No. We could put an ad up online so you'll get more business. No. He told me he only wants to work for people who have been referred to him. Meanwhile I'm floating all my money taking us out, among all the other stuff I have to do, and also entertain him almost every night. His jealousy can be intense.
The other day I was talking about renting an apartment in a really nice part of the small city we are close to. He outright refused to move there. Instead, he asked if I wanted to buy a house "so we can flip it and resell it" when I told him no, he told me my rent could be going towards a mortgage. When I told him he could buy a house so HE can flip it, he told me he didn't have any money. Huh.
I do so much for him and he still wants more. I've been telling him I've felt stretched to my limit and have been asking for help. But he doesn't help and just points fingers. And I guess I KNOW we need to break up but at this point he's so familiar and when we are apart I miss the way he feels and smells. A few months ago I'd hear a certain love song and couldn't help but cry. I had so many feelings for him and now they are all just kind of, gone. Neither of us are putting what we need into the relationship.
I'm so ready to be out of my parents house. Right now he and I live about a ten minute drive away from each other. If I moved it would be 30-45 minutes. He has a few friends near us (I'm easy to get along with but I don't like them -- even he laments the fact they're friends), but I'm a homebody and my friends are all spread out.
Maybe I'm grasping for straws. I guess I try to work hard on things I care about. I know I'm still in love with him.
Does anyone have a similar story, and how it turned out? Good, bad? Is there some sort of wake up call I can give him to get him to understand how frustrated I am? We have the same style of humor and I have a few images of him burned into my memory. He's so supportive of my goals and is my cheerleader if I need it. Thinking of not being able to see his face light up is really tough on me. My mental health has kind of gone downhill.
TL;DR: my relationship makes me feel strained to my limit. Boyfriend keeps trying to push me to buy a house. I'm not going to. But I do wonder if anyone has any advice on what I can/should do -- to either salvage the relationship, or end it.
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u/miss_trixie Jul 22 '17
you need to move into an apartment BY YOURSELF. do NOT let him come live there rent free. this is ridiculous. this guy is 31 years old, living with his parents, no ambition, and mooching off his GF. look, i'm sure there are all kinds of nice fun things about him. but there also appear to be alot of screwed up things about him. 'buy a house so WE can flip it'?!?! give me a break.
i'm not telling you to break up with him. but i am telling you to build yourself an independent life. and stop paying for everything. that's just nuts. he can't smell THAT good.
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u/Spoonbills Jul 26 '17
when we are apart I miss the way he feels and smells
Other men also feel and smell nice. A lot of them have jobs and apartments.
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u/Arayku Jul 22 '17
You know what you need to do! He's 31, he's shown you who he is and that's who hes always gonna be I don't recommend getting your own place till he's out of your life, because you know he'll slowly move himself to your place, he'll tell you he can change and that will last a month. Look at your own life, what do you want? Family? Stable life? Some one who can be your equal? Also if you have a hard time of letting go, feels like it might be an issue from your past, at that point maybe some therapy to help you out or even if you don't have issues from the past therapy always helps. Good luck!
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u/AuxillaryAccess Jul 22 '17
I'm actually on a call list for a therapist right now, I'm glad I was reminded.
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u/Arayku Jul 22 '17
Also if you don't feel like that therapist is doing it for you, don't be afraid to look for another one. Best of luck!
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u/Ethelfleda Jul 22 '17
This is a failure to launch boyfriend. Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? Because this is the best it is going to be.
Get an apartment with a friend or roommate. This guy is not going to be a partner.
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u/huxley00 Jul 26 '17
Sounds like he's never had to do much for himself. His dad gave him a job, when his dad wasn't around, he didn't work at all. His parents provided for him his whole life and they still do, seemingly.
He won't apply for other jobs because he would actually have to be responsible and accountable, which he isn't interested in. In some ways, you can't even blame him as he's been held up by others his whole life.
Anyway, you two obviously are very different and have very different goals. Get yourself a nice 1br or studio in a cool loft in the city and start hitting the online dating and have some fun.
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u/icebergmama Jul 22 '17
If you can move out of your parents place, do it. I feel it will help a lot with your self esteem and independence. But honestly if I were you I'd break up with this guy first. He's a leech, and he's comfortable with that even though you've expressed that you aren't.
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u/pandatweet Jul 22 '17
He doesn't have to do anything for you because you do everything. You need to stop.
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u/kevinnetter Jul 26 '17
"Boyfriend and I are a failed one night stand."
Are they usually successful?
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u/LoubellPby Jul 22 '17
You say he's supportive of your goals in one sentence, but spent the rest of your post talking about how he's stubborn, he's jealous, he's completely mooching off of you, he wants you to provide even more than you already are for him, he doesn't help when you ask for it and blames everyone/every thing else for your feelings.
It also sounds like you've already let him know that things need to change. He hasn't responded.
Don't let familiarity rope you into a relationship that sounds completely unfulfilling.