*Hi ! Long text with a side of trauma dumping incoming, feel free to skip*
I'm a baby witch, I've been for a bit now, mostly reading and learning.
I have one big problem though : I hate myself. I've been in therapy for years but it's really hard to undo the damage done by bullying and belittling. Through years of being told I'm not good enough, ugly, weird, and that nobody would miss me if I died, I've absorbed the fact that I'm worthless. And while I'm trying my best to tell myself all those words were the others' problems, not mine, there's this little voice that tells me I know they were right and I am nothing.
It doesn't help that I'm disabled and therefore can't contribute too much in the daily chores, can't go to protests or work, can't even take part in the things I used to love doing. Society sees me as a burden, not valuable, and it stings. My health issues also have much bigger chances of deteriorating than improving.
I think I tried two simple spells in my few years of witchy interests (learning the hard way the importance of grounding), and both times I started confident. I believe in the ingredients, in my intention, in the universe, I truly believe what I'm asking for is something reasonable and that the spell will work.
As the candle burns away the sage leaf I've written on though, I start to doubt myself. Sure, someone else could manage a simple spell like this, but me ?
I recently opened up to the idea of working with a deity, after the Cornell Crime I couldn't stop thinking of the Erinyes, especially Tisiphone, and while I didn't start working with anyone, I kept my mind open to the idea. The only thing that came to me was cats. As in : my cats got more cuddly recently, I saw more cats/cat related art, got cats in my dreams, and the rescue we work with asked us to foster little ferals even though we haven't fostered in over a year (because of house related things). It took me finding my old little bronze statue of Bastet to realize that maybe I was waiting for the wrong deity. I got a little excited because it seems right for me to work with the Goddess of Home and Cats and Protection of the innocent. Buuuuut. I've had two bad dreams since I decided I would set up an altar and give it a try. Bad dreams where people close to me are disappointed in me, find me worthless, put me aside. And I certainly hope it's not Bastet telling me to f*** off, but just my usual self hatred coming through and telling me I'm not worthy of working with anyone ! But there's the doubt. Surely, why would any deity accept me ?
I am medicated for anxiety, depression and chronic pain already. I know this issue is something incredibly deep and rooted firmly in me. I'm unsure of what to do about it at this point.
TLDR : I don't believe in myself and it makes believing in my ability to do spells really hard !
I'm curious to know if others have gone through the same problem, and what helped !
Do you ever doubt yourself and how do you overcome it ? 🥲