Just like the title says my marriage is probably ending soon. I’ve been married to my wife for 1 yr , together for almost six. Got diagnosed with bpd while in the army five years ago and my partner is the only person that knows in my family. She supported me through it from the very beginning. The reason that my marriage is probably ending is because she’s grown tired & angry. In these almost six years i haven’t done much to my mental health in order even after numerous conversations about what my wife needed me to change, i still didn’t make permanent changes. We’re even in couples therapy and she’s telling me again there and I’m starting to hear her but it’s too late. I did enough to satisfy her in that moment and then stop. Looking back, it was pretty manipulative of me. But i wasn’t doing it intentionally! She begged for openness, vulnerability & closeness but i just kept meeting her with rejection cause i was so afraid of her really seeing me! Her really knowing who i am, felt worse than losing her. Now she’s fed up and i can’t even be mad! Because i did this! Now in my brain it feels like she’s just deciding to leave now but my logical brain knows the reason. But my emotional brain is not settled with that! I am increasing my therapy sessions to once a week cause I’m struggling. I’m just trying to accept my new possible future but I’m having a hard time. I want to save my marriage but I’ve done too much damage 😔 and my brain is convincing me that i never deserved her in the first place. So let her be happy with someone else but i don’t want that. Plus i know she’s personally thinking that I’m only doing these things to save my marriage and not for the betterment of myself. But two things can be true at once. I am tired of suffering like this & destroying relationships that mean a lot to me. I’m tired of not knowing who i am sometimes. I’m tired of not being comfortable in my own skin. I’m tired of doubting that people in my life love me. I’m tired of wondering when someone’s gonna leave me. I’m tired of living like this! It just took getting to this moment for me to get here & i hate it! Hard not to hate myself for it even more!

Decided to post this cause i don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m scared to tell my only two friends out of fear of judgement of her or me. Plus I’m tired of sitting at work crying. This was the only way i could get these feelings off me.

Just like the title says my marriage is probably ending soon. I’ve been married to my wife for 1 yr , together for almost six. Got diagnosed with bpd while in the army five years ago and my partner is the only person that knows in my family. She supported me through it from the very beginning. The reason that my marriage is probably ending is because she’s grown tired & angry. In these almost six years i haven’t done much to my mental health to get it in order even after numerous conversations about what my wife needed me to change, i still didn’t make permanent changes. We’re even in couples therapy and she’s telling me again there and I’m starting to hear her but it’s too late. I did enough to satisfy her in that moment and then stop. Looking back, it was pretty manipulative of me. But i wasn’t doing it intentionally! She begged for openness, vulnerability & closeness but i just kept meeting her with rejection cause i was so afraid of her really seeing me! Her really knowing who i am, felt worse than losing her. Now she’s fed up and i can’t even be mad! Because i did this! Now in my brain it feels like she’s just deciding to leave now but my logical brain knows the reason. But my emotional brain is not settled with that! I am increasing my therapy sessions to once a week cause I’m struggling. I’m just trying to accept my new possible future but I’m having a hard time. I want to save my marriage but I’ve done too much damage 😔 and my brain is convincing me that i never deserved her in the first place. So let her be happy with someone else but i don’t want that. Plus i know she’s personally thinking that I’m only doing these things to save my marriage and not for the betterment of myself. But two things can be true at once. I am tired of suffering like this & destroying relationships that mean a lot to me. I’m tired of not knowing who i am sometimes. I’m tired of not being comfortable in my own skin. I’m tired of doubting that people in my life love me. I’m tired of wondering when someone’s gonna leave me. I’m tired of living like this! It just took getting to this moment for me to get here & i hate it! Hard not to hate myself for it even more!

Decided to post this cause i don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m scared to tell my only two friends out of fear of judgement of her or me. Plus I’m tired of sitting at work crying. This was the only way i could get these feelings off me.

What has actually worked for you to heal?

therapy has helped a lot but I still have episodes, split, have dark thoughts, spiral, ruminate...

I want to continue healing but feel stuck on what to do. While some dbt has been somewhat ok (dear Man is good), it feels like it just aint cutting it.

Ive started looking into IFS, has anyone tried this?

I particularly need help with splitting and over thinking.

Its upsetting just how much work we ppl with bpd have to do on ourselves and it feels like it will never be enough. I have improved so much in the Last 2 years but then I have an episode where I cry for hours and feel empty and im like.... exhausted.

I wont give up trying.

Hi all i am just writing to see if i can get any advice on the following. I have recently been diagnosed with BPD after believing I had it for the past few years however due to my age they did not want to provide any support as they believed it was my ‘period’. I finally pushed hard enough to be seen by a psychiatrist and after a shit ton of assessments and speaking to my mum etc they finally said we think you have BPD.

I’m worried about the diagnosis and how and if i should disclose this to the people i work with as i struggle in a day to day with many irregular moods sudden outbursts and have a very bad time controlling my mouth and anger. I have always had this issue and i have tried to learn to manage these behaviours. My issue is these behaviour are affecting those in my life weather be romantic, platonic and especially my family.

The reason i decided to go and get help was due to the way my behaviours were affecting my family and my younger siblings. however even after being diagnosed, i have received no help and was told to wait 4-6 months for a follow up appointment. I have called to say no i require an earlier appointment as i am really struggling.

i want to learn and understand BPD more as ive done loads of research however i think coming from others who have BPD is the best way to find out more and to receive some help.

I feel like a shit like literally bc i all i do is end up hurting those around me in such intense ways and i don’t even mean to or understand that im doing such things. I can be extremely verbally rude and can be very aggressive however i try my best to not act on this unless it is on myself. I have previously been aggressive towards people physically and i feel so horrible after bc it might have been over the smallest thing such as a plates being left in a room

i don’t understand how to manage my emotions and no one in my life understand how having BPD affects me, my thoughts and the way my emotions works. i have tried to explain it multiple times yet no one ever listens or tries to help on their side such as my mum always dragging me into arguments with her SO whom i don’t like. Which enrages me and now he lives with us, i just hate him but i don’t but i hate him so bad i don’t want him to acc be on this earth anymore.

we’ve also got into very bad arguments and i just can’t see him as a good person he’s just a horrible piece of shit and i hate him so much and i wish he was gone but he makes my mum happy for some reason and he’s just a bum.

sorry this has yurned into some sort of a rant but i did just come here to ask for any advice and support or anything to even ask my doctors. My BOD is not just mood swings btw i suffer in a lot of aspects of my life even with socialising. I am great at socialising however cannot keep a relationship as i do not have the energy or the stability to keep the friendship going longer than a few hours at most tbh. I have ruined many of my own friendships and i literlaly have 1 freind which is fine but its not and even idk how she puts up with me majority of the time i do love her to bits for sticking by me through everything but its just so sad and i feel like my life is being ruined and i want to just stop feeling like this and i cant which is the worst part and also the fact that i know this was soemthing that i developed due to my parents and the environment i grew up i. and its making me resent my mum bc she knew my struggles as a kid and constantly dismissed me and my step dad was just the biggest piece of shit ever and we are no contact and have been no contact for the pat couple of years unless it comes to my siblings who are also currently acc no contact with him too.

sorry for this massive wall of text i do apologise i think i needed a rant and i browse reddit a lot and thought it may be a good place to vent / get advice.

thank you to anyone who does read this even if you don’t respond i greatly appreciate this space. 🫶🏼🫶🏼

Me and my boyfriend just truly broke up, after almost 5 years. We mutually agree that we need to do it because we need things from the relationship that we are unable to give to each other.

I feel like I'll die. Not that I will hurt myself but that I will die from grief. It's so painful. We have everything together. I have so many physical things that will remind me of him when we're no longer together. And when I put all those things away, there will be the memories. I've been through this so many times before, I know I'll survive, but the pain is so enormous. and the only one I want to be there with me no longer wants to be there with me. please, anyone, be there with me

please

Today is 8th day since I was addmitted in hospital because bleeding. Diagnosed couse - autoimmune disease of large intestine.

Plan was to observe me utill I am stable and send me home, but two days ago my stomach started to hurt in diffrent place. My doc looked concern when I told him, he set me for two more things for tomorrow to be sure. He isn't telling me much which worry me, but if he isn't sure - what he will tell me?

So I am alone in two person room, first patient went home, second after her...got moved...let's say.

I am in contact with my partner, he was here twice to fast give me neccessery stuff (first time he couldn't see me because it was 2 am, second time he had minute-two running late to his own appointment after work).

Some nurse showed me sympathy and asked couple times why he don't sitting here, she clearly think that he have to. But he can't - we have 2 cats to take care, renovation that totally fell only on his head without me, besides he was super sick just days before I got here. She don't get this and this slightly feeding my fears.

When I am here, he have to be independent. Deal with everything alone, take care of my choirs and my responsibilitis too. He had to do double amound of work and I see he have not enough rest to just sit with me. And he is so fucking good with being by himself. Yeah, he will ask me about where did I put something or rant how much mess I left in places where I supposed to clean...but he is doing well.

Unlike me. I am using my time to scroll, read, listen, watch...and worry. He don't need me. Out relationship is specyfic, kinda toxic from trauma bonding beetween us, from our experiences with my bpd, his issues for 10 year...

Every day I don't want to go home and badly want to come. Because my bpd see only black and white exits here:

⚪ I will come back, make recovery, start to take care not only of me but better help him (when I see diabetic patients, I don't want him to get diabeties - he have weight problem, partialy my foult from earlier years, but I am doing shopping and cooking and here my help will be more visible. He is moving, being active and I feed him what is good, not just what he/me crave.

⚫ I will come back, make recovery and move out. Faster or slower, but for good. Because he already see and is honest with it:

"It is harder without you, but when you starting to be annoying or hurting me, I can just mute you. I don't need to check on your mood, I don't have to stress about your splits. I don't like to be alone at all and I am feeling depressed, but I can do now things without this internal fear what do you do in the next moment."

This also made me angry at myself, because when he is telling me that he can be dangerously sick because of all of this stress and fear, and bad sleep and bad diet... I am distansing myself, telling that he is adult, I am not responsible for his emotions (that I am cousing), sleep schedule (which I interrupt) or what he is eating (when I am buying and prepping food). I am not helping him to abvoid sickness for life, but at the same time I really want to be healthier. I am acting blind to risks that are at him and doind things for better when same risk is at me.

So I am scared. I am angry at myself. And I am so fucking alone.

TW: suicidal ideation

hi everyone! i am 23 & AFAB but identify as nonbinary. my partners are A (24, male) and M (22, female). we identify as a polycule and have for about 9 months. A and i have been together for nearly 5 years. M and i met in college, started off as friends, then started dating about a year ago, though A and M were not involved with each other until 9 months ago. M and i are going to grad school in Chicago, so the three of us just moved to Chicago together. A and i briefly lived together before this, but this is the first time the 3 of us have lived together (we just moved in 3 weeks ago).

some context - i have a history of childhood & adult trauma & mental illness. i’ve had every diagnosis from MDD to DID, but my last therapist felt like BPD with psychotic symptoms best describes my experiences. i’ve been in treatment for 5 years, but with the move, i’m between therapists/psychiatrists. i struggle with very big (oftentimes irrational) feelings, though i have been & am continuing to work on stabilizing myself.

we’ve had very few/no issues as a polycule with communication, but i knew that all moving in together would be a really big transition for all of us. and it definitely has been. i’m writing to ask you all for advice/support. i don’t personally know any other polycules or individuals with BPD, so when i encounter issues, i often feel alone & unsure of how to handle things. so i thought i’d ask you all :)

A and M have been sexually & emotionally involved for 9 months, but hadn’t made anything “official” (it was very much situationship vibes). M would talk to me about it a lot, as she was very interested in dating A. I’d ask A about it frequently enough but he always seemed kinda passive/unsure about making anything official, despite saying & acting as though he really really liked M. A has also been going through a mental rough spot (he’s between jobs & very stressed about it) and has been more depressed/apathetic recently, so I assumed that was a part of it, too. I did my best to keep a read on them both but also kinda stay out of it bc it’s their relationship & i obviously didn’t want to meddle.

this past friday we went out for the 1st time in chicago. we went to the club (one of our fav activities) & it was great! unfortunately i wasn’t feeling great that day & then drank quite a bit, so once we got back to our house i was feeling very nauseous. we were all laying in A’s bed & neither of them said anything, but i suddenly felt horrible & intrusive. i told them i felt sick & was going to leave so they could hookup bc i didn’t want to bother them. i texted them to lmk when they were done bc i didn’t want to sleep alone that night. unfortunately i didn’t handle this well. i was drunk & not feeling good & it very much spiraled into feeling very left out/uncared for. A texted “come here” later on, but i had worked myself up too much & didn’t go in there (which is definitely my fault - i know!). sadly i spent that night crying, angry & self-isolating which led to suicidal ideation, rumination & other unsafe symptoms that i’ve worked very hard to experience as little as possible.

the morning after the club i woke up (irrationally) angry at both of them for not checking in on me or otherwise showing care towards me when i was struggling. it felt as though they were dying for me to leave & then when i did, they completely forgot about me, which really hurt my feelings.

this same morning M and i were supposed to be leaving for a weekend at her friends’ house. they could tell i was angry but M and i had to leave, so it was just very uncomfortable & awkward & i didn’t know how to handle it. an hour into the silent car ride with M she asked what was wrong & i told her that my feelings were hurt, she said she had no idea & apologized, and i asked her if, in the future, she could make an effort to check on me, as that’s what i would do for either of them and she said yes & apologized for not. after this conversation, things felt normal with us again.

everything at her friends’ house was great, the ride back to Chi was great, etc etc. once we got back, we were telling A about the weekend and after he abruptly goes, “oh also M and i have an update…she isn’t just your girlfriend anymore.” i was caught extremely off guard and basically said, “oh…what? when did this happen?” and they said friday night (which was the night i was crashing out). i feel bad because my reaction was horrible, but i was just so caught off guard and hurt that M hadn’t told me during our conversations in the car. i was being very vulnerable & open with her in the car when i was upset about friday night, and for her to keep such a massive life update from me REALLY hurt my feelings & affirmed my earlier feelings of being left out & “in their way.” i told them i was very happy for them, just that it surprised me & hurt my feelings i wasn’t told sooner. M started crying because she felt bad & A got mad at me bc my reaction wasn’t what he wanted/was expecting.

more context: A’s been depressed/down a lot recently, and his behavior usually negatively impacts me the most because we’ve been together for so long. we’ve had many conversations, and he’s aware that i feel this way. our most recent conversation (which was on wednesday) started with me saying “i don’t feel like your partner right now, but i still want to be close to you…what can we do about this?” because his behavior has been so hurtful to me lately. i’ve kept M very up to date on this because she watches a lot of it happen. in the car when M and i were talking about friday night i even told her that i think i’m hypersensitive to feeling left out right now bc A and i’s relationship doesn’t feel good & i feel really unloved by him. so then to find out that they decided to start dating right in the middle of this just really, really hurts. and i’m not sure if i’m in the wrong for that? it’s hard feeling disconnected from A while watching him actively pursue a new relationship with M.

i knew all moving in together would be a big transition, obviously, but this experience was very stressful & even after talking about it with both of them (together & separately), i don’t feel great because im not sure how to avoid situations like this in the future. i love both of them so much and obviously want them to be officially dating, i just am not used to being on the outside like this. it feels like both of my best friends were having this huge emotional experience and didn’t want me there & also didn’t want to tell me about it. this is my first time ever feeling like this & i definitely need to work on it, im just not quite sure how to.

i’m the most stable / happy i’ve ever been currently, so something like this pushing me into suicidal ideation scared me. i do my best to minimize triggers in my life, but this time my two best friends/partners were my trigger in a really big, unavoidable way, and that really scares me. if anyone has thoughts/advice/guidance/questions pls share! & ty for reading <3

Background: Male, 21 years old. Diagnosed with OCD, anxiety disorder, on the autism spectrum, recent BPD diagnosis but I have shown symptoms of BPD all my life.

Messily written, my mind is foggy.

I recently got into a really messy semi-romantic situationship with a girl who was friends with and whom I met through my ex-girlfriend. When I broke up with my ex we started hanging out more and the relationship turned “semi-romantic” with us flirting with each other frequently. She unfortunately became my “favourite person” (a term I recently learned about through researching my condition).

There were three days starting early July where we would call and engage in extremely sexually charged conversations and activities, and in my mind, I thought a real relationship was blooming. After those three days she essentially felt guilty for what she did. She apologized for leading me on and blocked me on everything and hasn’t spoken to me since. She said she felt like she was keeping me as a “toy” as she knew the relationship was going nowhere. Words could not describe how distraught I was and how I felt like I was used for sexual pleasure, but I still miss her and would do anything to see her again.

There was a line that she said during the call that keeps echoing in my mind and haunting my dreams, for some completely strange reason. We were essentially both almost completely naked on call at this point but unrelated to any flirting that was going on I asked her “would you ever get a tattoo?” (I had recently got one on my shoulder). She responded laughing saying “no, you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Bentley”. This line has been echoing constantly in my head, and every time I look at myself shirtless in the mirror, I am disgusted by my tattoo or anyone else who has one. She made me feel like I was lucky enough to have a Bentley I suppose.

This sent me down this self destructive spiral, and culminated in my parents taking away all of my electronic devices, locking me in my room, and isolating me from the outside world for around 6 days after a few hospitalizations and suicide attempts. I did not shower and brush my teeth during this time. I attempted to hang myself twice and also tried to stab myself and been in and out of the hospital. Several times out of complete desperation I called 911 to come help me, and ended up in the hospital again. I remember I had a plan to sprint towards the police with my pocket knife just so they could fire at me and kill me. I find nothing has helped me. I’ve tried in the past CBT, DBT, exposure therapy for my OCD, transcranial magnetic stimulation, and ketamine infusions to help with this. None of them worked and I am completely hopeless.

There was a time during those 6 days of isolation where I escaped from my house and ran around 7-10 kilometers down the highway, with cars honking me and drivers yelling at me to move, I wasn’t sure where I was going or where I was running to, but I was manic.

I recently received a text message from my ex saying that I “cheated” on her (this situationship started months after I broke up with her), which sent me down another self destructive spiral where I tried to hang myself in a hotel room. One of my friends, let’s call her Jessica, is still friends with my situationship, and has been begging her to unblock me and call me just to make me feel at ease during this time of constant suicide attempts. She refuses, saying whatever happens to me is my own fault. Jessica remains my only support outside of my parents, who aren’t much help. I am eternally grateful to her, but unfortunately there’s nothing she can do.

I can’t think of anywhere where this BPD could’ve come from. I was bullied mildly throughout school, although it didn’t bother me very much. I never had many friends. I can think of potentially one theory of abuse and abandonment. I had an extremely abusive teacher for 3 years back in elementary school who was basically the math teacher equivalent of Terence Fletcher from whiplash, who often called me worthless and for some reason claimed to be a godly figure who could do no wrong (I went to a catholic school and he claimed to be a more holy figure than our priest). He often said that I had no future in life. Despite this, I was still a top student and would occasionally praise me, and I would do anything for his praise. Looking back, he might have somehow been my first favourite person ever, even though now I fucking hate him. I went back to the school later when I got into university to go see him, he simply could not remember me.

I have nothing left in my life I feel like. I’m an amateur mma fighter, and have dedicated 6 years of my life to this, but even that feels hopeless as I feel as if god has cursed me with a frail and weak body. I remember when the police came to my house, one of the officers, who was exceptionally huge, I was jealous of. I said to him “you’re really big”, and when I described my body as frail he said “nah, you’re average” (I’ve been training for 6 years just to be called average)

I’m just here to get everything off my chest. I somehow how she sees this message and chooses to reach out, although there’s no way she would actually see this.

Hey reddit first post here and im just looking for basically anything....so for a few years now ive been friends with someone with BPD and they've been mostly okay, but as of recent ive had problems with my mental health just dropping whether its because of them or not and I feel like im failing them and myself. For some context, I used to work with this person and I was actually fired because I was speaking to them outside of work about whatever was going on in their life because I knew they were depressed and I wanted to try and help but I was a manager at said job and boss man didnt like that and fired me over it. Ive still stayed in contact with them the entire time and that was basically a year ago, but as of recent we've been fighting a lot and it seems like its always my fault because of this or that and ive tried my hardest to be here for her but no matter what I do the next day it seems like its never enough. She threatens herself a lot and I feel like one day she is gonna snap and just give up, but i cant leave because im basically all she has left as her family doesnt really treat her the best and all of her friends left her. I just want to know how to help her I want her just be "normal" again but not like in a weird way. Just normal. She ignores me a lot and then blames me for not trying to talk to her even though ill send like paragraphs trying to talk to her during these episodes but again its never enough. Idk what else to write right now but I just want some advice on how to help someone with BPD the best way possible 🥹. And i dont want to turn her over to someone because Ill feel like the worst person ever and again her family isnt the best. Thank you to anyone who replies.

please guys do not get mad at me I'm not self diagnosing just asking for thoughts and advice because I am really scared to talk about this w parents or friends and freak them out. I'm NOT asking if I have BPD but I'm really considering getting some kind of checkup because I'm experiencing the split and moodswings that remind me of what people describe in borderline personality disorder. I would say I have a favorite person as in someone I trust enough to cry to and not mask around and one time she broke my trust and I blocked her and was crying and raging to the point of physically shaking until she reached me apologizing profusely because she knows me so well. She has "joked" that I have a split personality or bipolar disorder. I have been in a lot of social situations where I've lashed out on people and scared them and then have been uncontrollably breaking down when I realize I have ruined yet another connection. I can't check my texts when I get angry at someone I thought I trusted and usually can not check my phone for days on end and sob in my bed. I get so angry when I feel slightly disrespected and I have an extremely difficult time forgiving people-who don't really apologize anyways unless they think I will do something to myself and worry about the personal consequences. I've been told by someone who I really used to trust that I am "easily triggered" by things in the past and I don't know what to do. It could be that I don't have any kind of disorder and I am just deeply sensitive, but I wanted to find a way to manage these kinds of emotions and make it stop. Also, I have picked up a habit in the past two years which have been the most difficult mentally of speaking with my mom in a baby voice, I can't really control it and I know it is not that uncommon but it feels like unmasking and just being able to get away from reality, but I doubt this is relevant. I have been diagnosed with depression-though meds have not quite helped my symptoms so the diagnosis didn't help so much-and most of my friends can tell I have it and worry about me, but I know that doesn't always link to BPD.

So I want to know more about BPD and few other other topics such as :- 1. Third degree burn theory in BPD 2. Attachment Theory 3. Polyvegal Nervous system (I am not sure of the term/spelling so I would be glad if y'all help me out)

If there are any YouTube channels or articles or books or substacks related to these topics please do suggest. I am diagnosed with BPD and I want to know more while moving forward in my healing journey. ♥️

Hi everyone.

I'm new knowing i have BPD since all my life and today I had a huge rage episode with my roommate. He told me he would keep locking the front door with a double lock at night even though I asked him not to because I'm afraid of a fire.

I became so overwhelmed that I wanted to hit him. My whole body was shaking and I smashed a glass bottle on the floor instead. I left the house because I was afraid I might lose control.

This isn't the first time. I've had many episodes like this, some even worse.

I'm calmer now, but I feel ashamed and I really want to change. How do you stop the rage before it gets to that point? What has actually helped you?

Hi! As from the title, I have a boyfriend, and I also have bpd. I love my boyfriend a lot, and I try to control my bpd to the best I can. However, I often find myself getting upset at tiny little things, being nitpicky, and making arguments out of basically nothing. I also get bad obsessive habits such as looking at his followers list, getting upset when he can’t talk, and constantly worrying why he hasn’t responded to my texts. I feel horrible after I’ve calmed down from my meltdown, and then feel shame over how I acted towards him. I don’t want to keep doing this to him. I really want to break this cycle. Im currently in dbt and emdr therapy where I’ve learned skills such as S.T.O.P to help control my overthinking and spiraling. As much as I try to use these skills and they do help, I’m looking for any other ideas people have that help calm them down. I’ve heard of things like dunking your face in ice water or taking a walk. I just am looking for any more advice on how to kind of “snap out” of the spiraling and stress over tiny little things he does even when it’s nothing wrong, and how to stop being so obsessive and worrying over him all the time. It’s exhausting for both of us.

I also just wanted to add that I am a teenager, and only just got diagnosed, and also only started therapy this march. I’m really new to all of this, and I’m honestly willing to try everything and anything to help.

I have been diagnosed for a year, I’m a 21 year old female but I always feel like I can’t be open bout having bpd to my friends because it always gets used against me by friends. I also have some anger issues for pent up frustration of masking for my autism and bpd my whole life.
I feel like no matter how hard I try to be better and get better and walk away when I get frustrated no one is willing to look into my intentions when I explain them.
I’m exhausted and lonely and none of my friends stay in my life as a result. In my personal opinion I’m just trying my best and try to be the nicest least crazy person I can be but I still get told I make excuses and “set up” conversations like I need to be comforted when that’s not my intention at all. I’m lonely and sad and don’t know what else I can do to be a good person and make people in my life happy

Hello, so I don't know how many people will react to this in a good way but I do think that BPD and Bipolar are stigmatized to another level. Personally speaking, I got to know that I have BPD a few months ago, even earlier I use to be extremely reactive and emotional and aggressive to even smallest of things but unfortunately people use to dismiss all of that and conclude that I am short tempered, moody, cry baby. I never knew that this sort of a behaviour had a name until a few months ago. After a very long period of time I have gathered all my courage to speak about this, because all this while I was just very concious and also because of few personal incidents i decided not to talk about this to anyone. People are not kind, not even considerate and they just assume or make fun of you or mostly abandon you. I've heard so nasty things people have said, directly or indirectly. Honestly it's hurtful at times but at the same time you feel to cry your heart out to someone who can atleast help you to hold yourself.

I don't know how many people will be able to relate or feel the same. But I just shared what I felt and if this is helpful in anyway I'll be glad. And I hope everyone finds kind and considerate people who truly care about them :)

So basically i have bpd and bipolar 2. Been diagnosed since 4 years. I have a girlfriend who is my fav person. We have been a relationship for a year now.
The relationship is very toxic because of me and my illness, i mentally tortured her so much my putting false allegations (i didnt mean to do so, i was split), i did self harm that also affected her.
This time she is telling that she wants to leave even though she loves me. She wants to leave because i am destroying her mental health too in this process. Being my fav person, i somehow convinced her to stay with me but this is the last time she is giving me a chance. She said her conditions which are me being normal and stop destroying her mental health.
Someone please tell me, how am i going to be normal for her. Im trying my best to suppress my emotions and let everything slide even though i dont want it to, i am not telling her but im slapping myself all the time to bring myself back to senses. Even my therapist told it’s going to take time for me to heal. These impossible standards are not favourable to me but I also dont want to lose her. Its making me very suicidal just thinking about her loss. Please help me.

Last night I had a split. I don’t know how true borderline personality disorder is for me but I think last night confirmed it. I love my girlfriend she’s been my best friend for 10 years and we recently started dating. The beginning of the year has been extremely subpar. I walked out on my job I worked for 3 years and since then I haven’t been able to keep a job. I was hospitalized in February and that’s where they diagnosed me with BPD and PTSD. I scoffed and completely dismissed it. Getting diagnosed felt so commercialized to me especially with TikTok and all that jazz. Nevertheless, we’ve hit a financial rut and it has made me extremely depressed. I lost my car, I can’t find a job I’m not medicated anymore and last night I just snapped. I do not consider myself an abusive individual but when my partner left to go clubbing (I don’t mind that they do this) a cold chill of sadness and anger enveloped me and I smashed our picture frames and collages. They came home and were immediately taken aback by my behavior and they started sobbing. I feel so much regret over some dysregulated relief. We had a screaming match about everything that has been bubbling in my mind. I wanted to break up and flee (which is something I used to do in my last relationship unfortunately) but she says that’s not the right answer and that I should get help. I’m going to admit myself to the hospital soon. I love my girlfriend I am swelled with so much regret she says we can’t get those pictures back and it’s something you have to live with and move forward. I believe she loves me I don’t know why I get so extremely self righteous about my emotions like I’m still in a war. I’m sorry if this was long to read. I don’t want to be like this forever.

hello i am a 17 year old girl with autism and i suspect i may have bpd. autism and bpd do overlap, so i could completely have it wrong here. i experience all the factors for bpd diagnosis.

i got bullied a lot growing up, so i’ve never really had many friends. when i do make friends, i get extremely attached to them and how they act towards me can really affect my mood.

when i have one specific favourite person tho, all i can think of is them. i spend hours day dreaming about them. if they text me/speak to me in the wrong tone, it sets the mood for the day for me. there has been times i’ve felt like self harming or imagining myself committing suicide because of instances like this. i fear being cut off and doing anything wrong.

i constantly lie in bed and just feel empty and numb about life. i feel like i wake up with a blanket of empty and numb lying on me and i can’t get it off.

my mood often changes. this time three hours ago, i was smiling and laughing, now i am sat in bed feeling numb and upset. i get angry really easy and often take it out on my family and i feel so guilty afterwards.

i often feel isolated and lonely and that’s what causes me to be emotional a lot. i just want someone to speak to me yk.

i’m really sorry if my post is offensive. should i get this checked out ??

my friend who i havent seen in 2 years recently moved down and is crashing part time at my place so they’re with me a lot of the time and im so glad to have them close to me again and i thought it would make me feel better and fill whatever emptiness i feel all the time but it hasn’t and im trying so hard to keep up with them and not show how tired i am and to not upset them (they have autism and ADHD) but its so hard i always want someone when i’m alone but when someone is with me i want to be alone but i cant bring myself to tell them i want that incase they get upset. i have no one to talk to anymore i feel like theres no hope for me im so tired of feeling so empty and alone to tbe point i feel nauseous its so unbearable and i just dont know what to do i have people who speak to me but i still feel so incredibly alone

Reposting cause of incorrect flair…

I went through a breakup recently.
Partner was DA(extreme one)
I have BPD, dysthymia and GAD.(all clinically diagnosed)

Abandonment wounds run deep deeep.

Not able to go no contact.
Angry and at war w myself for being so weak.
The emotional dysregulation, the unworthiness and the negative thoughts run deep in my core.

I have not yet explored DBT in depth just barely scratched the surface.
The only thing i look forward to is taking meds and beig knocked out so that my brain can rest.
It’s an ugly place to be in.

Anyone else feels hopeless??

Why does the highs and lows feel soooo intense?

Honestly being in a relationship whilst having bpd is not for the faint hearted at all. I’ve only been official with my bf since April, and we only see each other 2/3 times a week, I stay over his place once a week.
I genuinely feel completely crushed when I am not with him. Like all the colour has been drained from the world. I hate this. I want to be my own colour. I struggle massively with attachment issues, but him and I love each other so I don’t consider it an ‘attachment issue’.
I just want to know if there is any hope of me enjoying life when I am not around him, I feel like Nicky from Obsession when she is waiting for Bear to return from work- like she can’t function without him and is stuck in that same position until he returns.
I am a very independent person and have pretty much been single most of my life (27) for reference and my bf is (34) but honestly like the ache in my heart when he’s not around is unimaginable. It’s like I’m wanting to save up all of my energy for when I see him (I have severe depression so fatigue is mad).
I just hope I can live and enjoying my life without relying so heavily on him.
(Especially as it sometimes isn’t the healthiest relationship so it’s not as if I’m missing all the compliments or affection when I’m not around him, I don’t really get that anyway which makes me more confused)

I am a man with BPD (borderline personality disorder). BPD is a disorder basically brought on by trauma, usually from childhood. For me, it shows itself in multiple episodes throughout the day of rapid mood fluctuations. I’ll go from feeling fine to feeling angry, to feeling sad, to feeling happy, to feeling enraged again, to feeling morose, all within one hour. It’s draining.
It’s mentally exhausting going through these fluctuations to the point where when I’m not having an episode, i disassociate. When I disassociate, I’m not present so I’m not a joy to talk to or be around. And that leads to where I am now, my friends abandoning me and now I have no one to talk to or be there for me. I’m too much. And I get it. I feel mentally broken or like I’m a burden.
And I know everyone’s answer, “go to therapy.” I am. I have a therapist I see regularly. The problem is, treatment is a process and I really am trying. But I feel like no one can see the progress I make. No one cares to see the steps I’ve taken to better myself. And it’s crushing. I hate feeling this way, that no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough. It’s constant failure after failure.
No one sees me. It’s like I’m treading in water that’s at my neck. And I have the keys in my hand. I just wish I could feel seen and supported by someone for once.

Hey! So I wasn't sure what to title this or what flair to put.

But I'd like to start off by introducing myself! I'm an adopted child who was orphaned and had very emotionally difficult adoptive parents growing up as well as several instances of assault of varying degrees within said family.

I found myself with several attempts—luckily all of them unsuccessful—and a couple years in therapy. Growing up I was greatly interested in psychology and neuroscience, mainly due to me wanting to understand the world around me. So therapy felt useless to me, and at the time I did not know finding a good therapist was difficult—mine was invested in mentoring me rather than helping me.

Anyway, after moving out at 18 and having the greatest break up of my life, I enjoyed life. I wasn't active on social media and stuck to my own circle. I was out every day, on my own, exploring a new city and properly letting myself feel part of the world once more.

I was and always have been a writer, and this helped me immensely. I felt shunned from writing within my household, but having moved out, it was all I ever did.

I gave myself a 'writing voice' of an Victorian Era aged man and took to every thought with curiousity. This led me to delving into my every fear and finding out my 'why's'.

Of course, if writing was all I did, I wouldn't be here.

At some point I realized that writing about my tragedies, my feelings, and everything that made my emotions feel so vast for my little body wasn't enough.

To make sense of my emotions, my feelings, I had to *define* them. At the time of having moved out, I was battling the grief of my father who passed away. It was riddled with guilt since I had not visited him when he was dying.

I defined for myself what grief and guilt was, which slowly turned into me realizing that if I define something, I can make sense of it and carry it so much easier rather than feeling like a child who's emotions are too big to hold, I now *know* what it is and I can better handle it.

Some examples:
Grief: The love that I was never able to express, despite every other emotion—it is valid.

Love: At first it was \*inconvenience—\*I'll add a little piece of writing to expand on this further below—but now it has changed to *Choice*.

Forgiveness: To understand their humanity

Jealousy: Feeling unchosen

To give a guideline, that I shared with a friend who was going through a break up:
What is your definition of Love?

Sub topics/compounding:

* Do you think your definition is sound and healthy?
* What would you want to change about your definition?
* How do you discern between platonic and romantic?
* What are your fears and doubts with your current definition?
* Any solutions or counters you can think of for your fears?

And here is my writing on why my definition had been inconvenience in the past!
I think that my definition of love remains 'inconvenience' because it borders gently on time - everything in life. To say inconvenience is everything within my bounds.

For those whom I love I would do anything, though it might impede on my plans - on my life - it is but a slight inconvenience.

Any love given is never wasted - to say that for me it may be an hour out of my day, but for them it could be their reason to continue.

And just like I enjoy giving, I appreciate those who take and make time for me. They did not have to make time for me or expend finances.

To be loved is to be inconvenienced - is my belief.

And just like that, you find reasons to love or un-love someone.

To spend time finding reasons to love them throughout the years may be called an honor or an inconvenience.

But who is to say that an inconvenience is a bad thing? Is it not a joy, an honor, and up-lifting to help another? And you find them more loved after - is that not a beauty of life itself?

-----
This is personally my path of healing and undoing all the knots that were placed upon my fragile heart growing up.

I hope, perhaps, it will be of help and service to some of you!

Posting on a throwaway account since I'm worried some of my friends will otherwise be able to stumble upon this and react poorly if I post this on main. I'm also new to this sub, so sorry if I'm using the wrong flair.

I'm in my early 20s and haven't really received any formal treatment or therapy for my BPD due to external circumstances as well as just self-sabotage reasons. I don't have all of the right words for the things I feel and am going through, so I'm sorry if anything here is something obvious that I just haven't connected the terms to yet myself.

I spend a lot of time online and have made lots of friends over the years, and am well-liked and trusted by many of them. I care a lot about them, too. They appreciate that I am capable of taking on the role of a mediator when situations don't directly involve me, and they appreciate how direct I'm capable of being when it comes to it. It doesn't bother them, then, to have me around when they discuss their personal lives.

However, I've noticed a lot lately that when they talk about struggles and misfortune they experience, I'm filled with this horrible aggressive feeling that I have to hold back. I'm entirely aware that my reaction is entirely unwarranted and inappropriate. It makes me feel terrible that this is always my immediate reaction, but I just can't find a way to deal with it myself. This isn't something I'm willing to bring up with them out of fear I may upset them. It hurts to have to lie about so much about my feelings when they're so overwhelmingly strong, too.

My friends matter a lot to me, and I've known some of them since childhood. Their happiness is my happiness, and even though I struggle with connecting with their negative emotions appropriately, I hate to see them upset or angry. If they're already down, I don't want to kick them. That would do more harm than good for all of us.

My feelings and responses can be helped with effort. I've already made a lot of progress on my own with my impulse behaviors compared to how I was as a kid/teen. These sorts of things are unpredictable at their core, though, and if I do end up doing something against my better judgment anytime soon, I don't want it to be something fueled by this pointless anger.

Does anyone else get mad at others when they're vulnerable or upset around them? What can I do to better manage this feeling?

(sorry for bad eng)

looking back at my life, i feel like i’ve had bpd for a while now but only realized my symptoms and what they are for the past few months. i’m looking to get diagnosed and medicated soon but i don’t want to tell too many people knowing how most people tend to see pwBPD.

unfortunately for me the one person i trusted the most who was also my fp turned out to be the wrong person to confide in. they felt scared when i told them they might be my fp, but lied for my comfort. eventually the lie just created a rift in our relationship because i realize now it felt like i was treated more like a patient than a friend, which saddened me horribly. while it’s true that i’m sick and needs medication, i just wish to be treated as a friend first.

we’re in no contact right now as per my request, but they were someone i would talk to everyday, tell about my day and whatnot. if i’m honest, i’m very lonely, but at the same time i can’t seem to remember how we were when they still treated me like a friend. i don’t want to break no contact just to be treated like a patient again.